Through eternity sing

After having that deep conversation with Kennedy, it sent my mind into a frenzy of thoughts. I waited a few days and then we talked about "that day" again. I wanted to be sure she was remembering everything right. The truth is, they left for school before Rach ever got up...there was nothing she could have done..there was nothing anyone could have done.. Sometimes it seems that things about the funeral stay on my mind. Then one day I take a breath and realize that my mind has slowed. It never stops thinking about Rach, I have said that before. I tried to make Kennedy understand that its OK to miss her, and to be sad. I know how it can make you feel ....like you are crazy. The night before the funeral, when we were getting ready to leave from visitation, I asked them to keep the music on for Rach. She always had music on. I wonder if they said they would just so I would feel better...or leave.

"All our sorrow will end, and our voices will blend, With the loved ones who've gone on before."



I have heard of a land on the far away strand, Tis a beautiful home of the soul; Built by Jesus on high, where we never shall die, Tis a land where we never grow old.



Never grow old, never grow old, In a land where well never grow old; Never grow old, never grow old, In a land where well never grow old.

In that beautiful home where well never more roam, We shall be in the sweet by and by; Happy praise to the King through eternity sing, Tis a land where we never shall die.



When our work here is done and the life crown is won, And our troubles and trials are oer; All our sorrow will end, and our voices will blend, With the loved ones who've gone on before.

" I just wish I would have gotten up earlier and talked to her for even 30 seconds. Then the 18 wheeler would have missed her...why didn't I just get up".

My sweet Kennedy has carried this around for 22 months. You can only imagine the struggle for words that I had


and still have.


I can only keep repeating the phrase that we learned at camp.

"When I can't, Jesus can."

Setting Sail

I leave today to take ten girls to church camp. Last year was amazing, so I am as excited as the girls are to go. Both of my girls will be going with me. This is Kennedy's last year for this camp. That is the only hard part. Realizing again how fast they grow and what she will soon have to face in this world. I had been trying to decide what to bring with me to camp as a little "wink". And then yesterday morning my sweet friend solved that problem for me. She gave me this beautiful bracelet with Rachs verse on it.




I see that same verse being used to help others in my family too, and each time in such a different and special way. As I was gathering up my things for camp, I came across one of Rachs Bibles. I had set the ribbon to 1 Corinthians 13, and when I opened it there were those perfect heart clovers that I had found that day at her garden. My heart was filled with love. I actually even smiled.




Love

Never

Fails

Last years theme was Live Love. We sang about love is patient love is kind...there were hearts everywhere. This year the theme is Set Sail and the verse for the week is Psalms 113 3
From the sunrise in the east to the sunset in the west, may the name of the Lord be praised.


...hearts and sunsets...

Taking a break

Last week the girls and I made a much needed visit to our favorite spot, Moody Gardens. We stayed 3 days and 2 nights. We had a great time. I go there to relax and BE with the girls. The days are long and full but it doesn't keep my mind from going to the same places it always goes to. Just like the girls have certain things they have to see and do while they are there, I have my things too



The sunsets when we are there are so incredible. Every night is so different , and so perfect. I also love the penguins, the macaroni penguins.



I saw a lot of new things on this visit too. Things that really make you think about God and how He created all these amazing things and how powerful He truly is. And how my mind will never understand how all those things are in the ocean, and each one perfectly created .




Its hard to believe that this will be a shark. But that is just God. I look at all the flowers and see such beauty. A butterfly can bring a tear to my eye just because after everything it goes through, they are only on this earth for a short time....


and it always comes back to Rach...


There are so many things I don't understand. I realized on the way home ,while all these things were going through my mind ,that I spend too much time trying to "understand" . Not one time in the Bible does God ever ask me to UNDERSTAND anything. He just ask me to trust Him..to have faith ...and that only has to be the size of a very tiny seed. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart ....and lean not on your own understanding".... I guess KK was trying to tell me something...back on April the 14.

Her unsong song

I needed to take some time to regroup from all the VBS activities and, well just from trying to get through each day. In the middle of all of that, more fuel was thrown onto the fire that my family has been walking through.It is not my story to tell so I will keep it private. But is has had a huge impact on my family. All I will say is that I am still trusting God to take care of ALL of this. While in the middle of this crisis(a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life), I went into the pretty room to put back a dvd that Robin and Dakota had "borrowed" from Rach. I went to set it on the stack of the others and I noticed what was on the top. It said " Strong Enough". I thought it was also a dvd, so I went to put it in my computer . While I was looking at it, I realized it was a cd. It was actually an accompaniment cd. What I was holding was the song my Rach never got to sing. The words to this song fit so perfectly to everything we were going through . Just when I thought I had found all there is to find... God gave me this...

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed,renewed, and find forgiveness find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again.

My bear hug

This week of VBS was really great. Last night was our finale night. After it was over and we were hugging each other and saying our thanks, one of our crew leaders (who was also Rachels youth leader) came up to me and hugged me and said " thanks for bringing Rachel up here with us this week, I saw it the first night " I was surprised and overcome at the same time. Of course he knew what it was because his daughter has one too. It is one of those things that you can't explain. As emotional as it sometimes is, I love when others say her name, or share a Rachel story with me. Just seeing the love helps to make me feel not so alone as I drift through this fog of grief.

Precious panda memories

Well, after many hours of shopping and planning,the stage was finally ready for our VBS. I have handled it all so much better than I did last year. I was afraid that when it came time, I would not be able to sing the one song that was the reason I picked this VBS. The first night was in a word...madness. But God took our mess and turned it into something beautiful. Tonight is the third night of our VBS . It seems like just when you get in the groove , it will soon be over. I love watching the kids sing, and get excited about praising God. I love seeing my own girls on stage with me, leading other kids in worship not because I am forcing them too but because they want to do it. I see so much of Rachel in them. One of Rachels sweet friends that helps me every year is up there again this year. My girls love being with her too. Kennedy asked her how long she had been friends with her sister. She just needs to know that people still love Rach too. No one has found my Rachel "wink" yet that I placed in the set. I know it's there, and I know she is there too, because ..
"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in
my heart.I am never without it.
Anywhere I go ..you go,my dear."

let me know if you find it. if you click on the picture, it will get bigger.

My summer song

My summer song is sad and long.
It talks. Of love and pain.
Flowers bloom and birds still sing
But it always ends the same.
It always says Your name.

My summer songs The only song
My heart will ever sing.
Every starry sky, every butterfly
Will say hello and say goodbye
But they always say..your name.



Sometimes the summertime..
Can flood your soul with dreams.
Leave you wondering what it means..
Wishing it would wash away
The loneliness and drown the pain.

When summers gone my summer song
Will still be in my dreams.
Ill feel the warmth and won't forget
Every sun that I see set..
And how they always say....your name.

I have been very busy this week with vacation Bible school preparatons. Our theme is Pandamania. As soon as I saw the title of one of the songs, I knew this was the one we had to do. I'll give you the edited version....
The last song Rach and I sang together in church was "He knows my name"...by the Mcraes..We actually sang it at both churches that we attend. Not long after the funeral,my sweet friend brought me a CD of a song that she thought would bring me some comfort.The title was "He knows my name"...different version..but you can imagine my reaction when I saw the title. So, I'm flipping thru the vbs material and I see the music,and I see those four words...HE KNOWS MY NAME...I knew it was the one for us, since I lead the music. Really, I instantly felt drawn to this vbs and without a doubt wanted to do it. Every time we have thought that something would fall apart, God has taken care of it. I know that when vbs gets here, I will miss Rach more than ever. She was always there with me. I will put a little something on the stage as part of the decorations that represents her. Last year it was the sunset that I painted. This year well....you'll just have to wait ...maybe I'll post a picture and let you try to find it.



"When I'm overwhelmed by the pain and can't see the light of day..I know I'll be just fine...cause He knows my name".



Rachel sang the first verse.... after much debate..lol

Still living with your goodbye

We took a few days off and went to the lake. It was nice to be away,even tho it was a quick visit. I find myself to be in a place that I am not comfortable in. I feel like I keep hitting the same brick wall.I don't know what I can do, or need to do , different.It's like my own kind of "Groundhog Day"..I keep counting the months until September..its June already...July,August,...and then September. Maybe this is what they mean when they say the second year of grief is harder.This year flew by and so much of it is a blur,.but I keep telling myself it will get better. I see glimpses of "better" every now and then. I came across something today that made it better..



It is a CD Rach made for me a couple of years ago. You see it says "heart" Rach. She signed her name that way alot. If she wrote a note to me or one of her friends , it was heart and Rach.I am amazed at how many things I find with a heart on it that I never really paid attention to before. I love finding this CD. I am afraid that very soon there will be no more "winks" to find..I don't know what I will do then. But today, I am thankful for this one, and the smile that her smiley face gave me. I remember playing that cd with her in the car. She was my Tim .I was Faith Hill, and she was my Tim McGraw. Even tho she could sing circles around me, she was happy to just be the harmony and let me pretend. It was so easy to sing with her. It was something we did always. We knew what songs we had to sing on...and even tho she would say " I hate country music"..she would sing it with me..
I love you Rach.

To where you are

I did something I had not done since the funeral. I watched the memorial video that was made for that day. I had tried many times to sit and watch it. I have held it in my hand...and closed my eyes..and watched it play out in my mind . The other night, I could not sleep .I was going through my photos and I came across the file in my computer. As soon as the music started, I was back in that church,..down on the first pew...watching the video, and singing along with it. No one ever commented to me about my singing. I said something about the video to my husband right after the funeral, and he said..I heard you. I really didn't care if people heard me, I was just surprised that no one ever mentioned it. I could remember so well while I was watching it, which parts of the video made me cry harder at the funeral. I remember seeing Rach with that sweet smile on her face, and hearing the people respond to the photos. I know I will never forget any part of that day. Almost 2 years later and it is still so raw. I cannot share the video on here. There are many photos of other family members and I respect their privacy. It was very long anyway...2 songs long.. much longer than the man at the funeral home had asked for..too bad.. I say goodbye on my terms.. I will, however, share the songs that were played. Josh Grobins song. ...
"To Where You Are"
some songs you just can't read the lyrics to...you have to hear it.I hear it daily...


Who can say for certain?
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be

That you are my forever love
And you are watching over me from up above?

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream?
And isn't faith believing?
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

'Cause you are my forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe that angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Friends are friends forever..

This past Sunday our church honored our graduating seniors. It is an emotional day for a normal person, so you can imagine how it feels for me. Some of the kids that were graduating had been in the youth group with Rachel. They had grown up together,taken trips together, and worshiped together. As the grads were standing down front, I noticed something that made me smile,and cry. This one senior was wearing his cross necklace that I had given to him. Honestly , I don't think I have seen him without it on since I gave it too him. This is not a photo from Sunday. I borrowed it off his facebook.



As you can see, he has the necklace on. There were several more photos where you could see it. I can't explain to you how it makes me feel to see it. I love that he wears it ..and I will keep him an extra one back just in case he wears his out. Our pianist played this song for our offering that day. It is also the song that Rachels choir sang at her last choir performance in high school..

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter of your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

And with the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you live in
Is the strength that now you show

We'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

To live as friends

Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

No a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

here's the video if you have never heard the song..I can see her standing on stage with her friends , arm in arm....just like it was yesterday..
" we'll keep you close.....as always"..

A day for remembering

What a week this has been ! Sunday mornings scholarship presentation went really well. But then that afternoon my dad had a gallbladder attack which ended in him having it removed on Wednesday . Thank the Lord that all went ok.
Sunday was a beautiful day all the way around. Church at New Cherry Grove was wonderful. Bro. Doug has the sweetest spirit. He wanted me to talk as long as I wanted to "if I could"..and talk about Rachel .."If I could"....I have no problem talking about Rach. That small church has so much love in it. I am so thankful to them for continuing to remember her. The whole service was about remembering. We also shared the Lords Supper together. The young man that received the scholarship,Garret , was so appreciative.He has a list of accomplishments that are a mile long. I used a quote in my speech to him that said " what we are is Gods gift to us, what we become is our gift to Him". Garret has many gifts. I urged him to continue to allow God to use him. He gave me a hug before I even finished talking. This young man is going to be something very special.

I did not present the scholarship to Amanda. Her dad was still in Australia and she wanted to wait for him. I did,however,get to speak with her after church. She came bopping up to me in the parking lot and someone said "Suzette this is Amanda"..I saw this girl with long brownish blonde hair parted on the side...not a lot of makeup, naturally beautiful...a hoodie...flip flops...also built like RACHEL..if you know anything about Rach..you know how much I loved every part of this. Amanda gives really good hugs too. I was so glad I got to have "real" conversation with both of them . I told Amanda how touched I was by her honesty..she said she had to be honest. The whole time I was talking to her, I was listening, but looking..at just how similar she was to Rach.



I realized how long it had been since I had had an opportunity to speak in front of people about her. I am thankful that God gave me grace enough to be able to go and share in that wonderful day.


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".

Presenting...

The "blog" has been down for a couple of days for them to straighten out some issues, so I haven't been able to make a new post. This coming weekend I will be giving two seniors the scholarship that is in honor of Rach. I was given the applications to read and was touched by what each of them had to say. The young lady that was chosen was so honest. She said she had hooked up with the wrong guy and was heading down the wrong road, and then she was saved and her life was turned around. Kids these days are all about these "fake" relationships. They text, they facebook, they do everything behind a screen. For some of them, they can't even have a conversation face to face. I was so impressed with her willingness to be so honest. She could have made up a story about needing money ,but she put it all out there. I don't know a lot of adults that would be willing to say " I was a mess". The young man who is also receiving a scholarship is actually Kenny's cousins son. What an application he had. He has already lived such a life of service to the Lord . I am praying for just the right words to say to them so they understand even tho it is not a huge scholarship, it means the world to me. One day ...one day... I will be able to really make a difference to someone . I just know that God will allow me to do that. I know that He can dream a much bigger dream than I can, so I am not putting any limits on it.
"Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."psalm 37: 4-5

In her shoes

My Mothers day was a very long full day.It actually started on Saturday when I was gifted with a new tablet pc. I was very surprised and upset because that was a BIG gift...but...I LOVE it! Then Sunday morning came. I knew what I was wearing. My whole outfit was about wearing these


Rachels shoes..she wore them to graduation. I got so many comments on them.I loved being able to say " they are Rachels". I also put little touches here and there that only I knew were reminders for me that she is a part of everything I do.








The flowers and the butterfly from her Easter basket. They were perfect for the day.
All the kids sang How Great Thou Art. And a very special young lady sang I'll Stand By You. Rachel had sang that for our Mothers in 2008. It was such a sweet moment for me. I didn't have the panic that I usually have. I didn't have the fear. I just felt love.




After lunch we went to visit my Mother.Then later in the evening I went to Rachels garden to bring her some hydrangeas from my garden. They were her second favorite flower.Of course I didn't have a vase, so I put them in my dp bottle. I knew Rach would get a kick out of it.



It was so quiet there. I could see a lot of new flowers out ,but I was the only one there. I stayed longer than I usually do..waiting..hoping..missing..
I walked over to this huge old tree that is close her. I love the way the sunlight is filtered through the limbs. I stood there looking up , listening to the birds sing.

I took several pictures, trying to capture just how beautiful it is. Then as I went to sit on the bench that rest under the tree, I saw something that I had not noticed before.




How could I...the biggest candy eater in Vidor, not seen this kiss???? I had to pick it up.


It was hard still, even though it was hot and humid. A kiss ..for me..on Mothers day. I sat and watched the sun as it began to set. It was a huge and glowing.


In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.john 1 4-5

Pain in the offering

Very soon Mothers day will be here. I have planned a Muffins with Moms on Sunday morning for all the ladies in our church. I am not as anxious as I was last year. I look at things different now. I know how it all feels..I know how much it all hurts. That is what I think about now. Not IF it will be hard, but how hard will it be. I am keeping my heart open tho, and my hopes high. God has been so very good to me, I am expecting something great to happen.

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name..

Something beautiful

Fishing down the bunny trail

We decided that this Easter we would do exactly what we wanted to do...check out! We grabbed some clothes,groceries and the aluminum boat and headed to the lake. It was just Kenny,me and the little girls. It was perfect Easter weather. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing...it blew us all over the lake. The fishing was not very good.


It was easy to fish and easy to just be there. I was flooded with memories while we were there, as I always am, but I was able to enjoy them and make some new ones.


I almost missed this photo because I didn't want to take my eyes off of them to turn my camera on. I love this shot so much. The love between siblings. That comforting hand on your back. It reminded me of the funeral. My husband and his younger brother....the hand on the back that says...I'm right here..always..

..But the greatest of these is love.

Revive us again

We are having a revival this week at our church. The preacher that is here was at our church back in 2008.Rach and I attended many services together. Since he was last here, he lost someone very special to him too...his wife. She lost her fight with cancer. He has since remarried , but today during our lunch service, he talked a lot about death and losing loved ones. I was hesitant to go today because I had spent the morning looking for flowers for Rachels Easter basket. You have no idea how hard it is to find the perfect flowers . Every time it gets harder and harder. And then there are the people in the store that always comment on what I am getting or on what they are getting and why they are getting it." I'm doing my daughters wedding"...good for you..I'm doing these for my daughter too...to take to the cemetery. Needless to say , I wasn't sure I should go to church. And then after he started his sermon ...I felt I was right in my thinking..But I stayed, and I am glad I did. He shared a statement that his mother in law made after he lost his wife, her daughter. She had already lost her daughters twin brother when he was only in his early 20's. He was electrocuted at work. He asked her how she had made it through that. She said" I decided to get better and not get bitter". I have thought about those words before, but was never able to put it all together. I hope that my life is a reflection of that. I say that not for comments of praise, but only for myself.I feel right now that my life has been suspended. I haven't had any opportunities ,other than this blog, to share about Rachel. I feel like everyone I know has heard it all ....and they have moved on. Obviously I am not talking about my family or my close friends.I just don't have the same feelings that I had. Maybe it is just the time for me to be quiet. I still feel God in a very real way. After I came home from church, I fixed Rachels Easter basket. I grabbed my camera and headed to the cemetery. As soon as I started the car I heard these words on the radio..

"Mama dont you worry about me..

Dont you worry about me".

I don't listen to country music.I don't know this song at all...don't even know why it was on a country station....all I know is that as soon as these words were sang, the sun came out.
I brought my little lamb her little lamb ..



Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven’s mercy seat


Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King


Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

The best part of waking up

This morning KK got out of bed and headed for the kitchen table (as they always do on school mornings). She sat in silence waiting for her breakfast. I sat her food down and she looked up at me and said " Trust in the Lord with all your heart proverbs 3:5". I was so stunned I said "what"??????? She said it again " Trust in the Lord with all your heart".. What a great way to start the day. I asked her what made her think about that. She said she read it on my marker board last night at church. Our lesson had been about trusting God ..with ALL our heart. Evidently she listened. Maybe a Bible verse should be the first thing that comes out of our mouth in the morning. Maybe that could be a challenge??? What would your verse be IF you decided to take the challenge?????

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens. psalm 68:19