Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Jesus take the wheel

I had the privilege of presenting the Rachel Clark Scholarship at church again this year. It just happened to be on Fathers day. Rachel's brother(he is her step brother, but we don't say it that way) was the recipient this year. You can only imagine all the emotions I was feeling that day. I had Rachel on my mind..Amanda and her precious family...and then knowing how everything that her brother was feeling. It was one of those days where I just had to say those three words "TAKE IT JESUS ". It was so far beyond anything I could handle. The church that does the scholarship was so full of love and hugs. When it came time for greeting people , I saw a woman coming from the front of the church and I was Amanda mother. I did not get to meet her family last year. As I looked into her eyes I saw where I remembered being. I knew that look . I know that look and the feelings that are behind it. It was so hard for me to stand in front of this family with their grief so new and talk about a hope for a future. Aftere church I was able to speak to her more and realized that they are surrounded by so many loving families and their faith in God unwavering. I honestly don't remember everything I said . I wanted to be sure they knew how grateful I am for them continuing to honor my Rach in this way. I brought one of the wooden cross necklaces to give to Dakota. I shared with them the story of Rachel wearing hers....even as she left this earth. And told hime to let it remind him to have faith
But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. Heb. 11:6

I also shared Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Sometimes our paths are not His paths... so sometimes we just simply need to trust ...we just simply need the cross.
My last verse that I shared was my prayer for Dakota

And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment,
10 that you may approve the things that are excellent,
that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ,
11 being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God...Phil 1:9

Amanda's dad played the guitar and sang a song. Before he sang he spoke about loving your kids no matter what. They aren't gonna be perfect...and we just need to love them . He urged all the dads to take time that day and tell their children -no matter how matter how close or how far away ...find them...and tell them you love them.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Ray of hope

I hear people talk about heaven and I hear them say things like " when I get to heaven I'm gonna ask God"........ people have so many different ideas about heaven and what it will be like. In my Bible study I came across a scripture that made me look at things differently.

John 16 ...I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23 In that day you will no longer ask me anything.

It's the last will no longer ask me anything. We will know. We won't have to go around with a list and search for answers , we will know...or we just won't care. Either way I'm good. Because it also says I WILL REJOICE !
This season of grief has been very hard, but I know I am still healing and learning to trust. My little girls have had Rach on their hearts so much lately ( I can tell by the conversations they have about her). They are lighthearted, and full of smiles as they share their memories. I am so thankful that they are willing to share...things sometimes get so dark and muddied up. Their memories are like a ray of light that cuts right thru and leads me to that place ...where my heart longs to be.

This photo was taken Sunday night after I spoke at church. I noticed the sky as soon as I walked out of church. I dropped the girls off at home and went to Rachels garden. When I got to the end of our road, the sun was blazing through the trees. This is a where I look , or sometimes avoid looking...everyday. This is where our lives were changed.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Talking the talk

Tonight I will do something I haven't done in a while. I will be bringing the message in our new contemporary worship at my church. When I was asked weeks ago if I would go in the rotation to speak, I was thrilled. My head has been spinning with thoughts on what to talk about. God has been so good to me . Now as I sit and get ready to pull all my thoughts together, I am feeling a little anxious. But then I am reminded of the Large group of people I spoke to and pleaded with at my daughters funeral. Surely,with Gods help, I can manage a small group. I wrestled with how much of my personal testimony I should give. Losing my child and all that has happened since then, are so much a part of who I am. How could I not include her? I am going to try to keep it light. I mainly just want to do it the way God wants it done.
I went to a online page for our church and I found this photo of my sweet child working the computer.

Hmmmmm. I wonder what You see in it??????

I am also on our praise team , so out of the corner of my eye I catch glimpses of her working the computer...just like her big sister did. There are times when it envelopes me like the best hug, and there are times when it almost drops me to my knees.
I am praying tonight that more than anything the people might be able to say what Job said " My ears had heard of you ...but know my eyes have seen you"

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Until Then

I try to start my mornings by reading the Bible, even if only a few verses. There are also several Christian blogs I read too for inspiration. One of them is called The Daily Spurgeon. Charles Spurgeon is a Baptist preacher from the 1800's. His writings are so beautiful . The following words were read at his graveside . I share them with you today in memory of Rachel, sweet Amanda as her family tells her "goodnight " and everyone else that you and I carry so dear in our heart.

We bid thee not “Farewell,” but only for a little while “Goodnight.”
Thou shalt rise soon at the first dawn of the Resurrection day of the redeemed.
Yet is the goodnight not ours to bid, but thine; it is we who linger in the darkness;
thou art in God’s holy light. Our night shall soon be passed, and with it all our weeping.
Then, with thine, our songs shall greet the morning of a day that knows no cloud nor close;
for there is no night there.

Here, for a little while, shall rest thy precious dust.
Then shall thy Well-beloved come; and at His voice thou shalt spring from thy couch of earth, fashioned like unto His body, into glory.
Then spirit, soul, and body shall magnify the Lord’s redemption.
Until then, beloved, sleep.
We praise God for thee, and by the blood of the everlasting covenant,
hope and expect to praise God with thee.

Friday, June 1, 2012

More heartbreak

I knew this day was coming. Im sure you are wondering where I have been. Our youngest son graduates from high school tonite. I made it thru the prom season...watching everyone post their photos of their beautiful girls. I handled his prom well. I knew tonite would be hard. Graduation was such a HUGE deal to Rachel. She graduated distinguished and was ready to take on the world. Even now, as I get ready for tonites ceremony, I am reminded once again how precious and fragile life is. I found out that the young lady named Amanda that I presented the Rachel Clark scholarship to last year, was killed in a car accident. She too was only 19 years old. She was going to be a neonatal nurse. She too was excited for her new journey. You can go back to last years post and read it. I am crushed. I am left choking on my words. I won't ask why. Even if God were to tell me why, I couldnt understand. My thoughts are not His thoughts. I only know that I need someone to press stop so I can get off of this ride..

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your glorious name