Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Fishing down the bunny trail

We decided that this Easter we would do exactly what we wanted to do...check out! We grabbed some clothes,groceries and the aluminum boat and headed to the lake. It was just Kenny,me and the little girls. It was perfect Easter weather. The sun was shining, the wind was blew us all over the lake. The fishing was not very good.

It was easy to fish and easy to just be there. I was flooded with memories while we were there, as I always am, but I was able to enjoy them and make some new ones.

I almost missed this photo because I didn't want to take my eyes off of them to turn my camera on. I love this shot so much. The love between siblings. That comforting hand on your back. It reminded me of the funeral. My husband and his younger brother....the hand on the back that says...I'm right here..always..

..But the greatest of these is love.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Revive us again

We are having a revival this week at our church. The preacher that is here was at our church back in 2008.Rach and I attended many services together. Since he was last here, he lost someone very special to him too...his wife. She lost her fight with cancer. He has since remarried , but today during our lunch service, he talked a lot about death and losing loved ones. I was hesitant to go today because I had spent the morning looking for flowers for Rachels Easter basket. You have no idea how hard it is to find the perfect flowers . Every time it gets harder and harder. And then there are the people in the store that always comment on what I am getting or on what they are getting and why they are getting it." I'm doing my daughters wedding"...good for you..I'm doing these for my daughter take to the cemetery. Needless to say , I wasn't sure I should go to church. And then after he started his sermon ...I felt I was right in my thinking..But I stayed, and I am glad I did. He shared a statement that his mother in law made after he lost his wife, her daughter. She had already lost her daughters twin brother when he was only in his early 20's. He was electrocuted at work. He asked her how she had made it through that. She said" I decided to get better and not get bitter". I have thought about those words before, but was never able to put it all together. I hope that my life is a reflection of that. I say that not for comments of praise, but only for myself.I feel right now that my life has been suspended. I haven't had any opportunities ,other than this blog, to share about Rachel. I feel like everyone I know has heard it all ....and they have moved on. Obviously I am not talking about my family or my close friends.I just don't have the same feelings that I had. Maybe it is just the time for me to be quiet. I still feel God in a very real way. After I came home from church, I fixed Rachels Easter basket. I grabbed my camera and headed to the cemetery. As soon as I started the car I heard these words on the radio..

"Mama dont you worry about me..

Dont you worry about me".

I don't listen to country music.I don't know this song at all...don't even know why it was on a country station....all I know is that as soon as these words were sang, the sun came out.
I brought my little lamb her little lamb ..

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven’s mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The best part of waking up

This morning KK got out of bed and headed for the kitchen table (as they always do on school mornings). She sat in silence waiting for her breakfast. I sat her food down and she looked up at me and said " Trust in the Lord with all your heart proverbs 3:5". I was so stunned I said "what"??????? She said it again " Trust in the Lord with all your heart".. What a great way to start the day. I asked her what made her think about that. She said she read it on my marker board last night at church. Our lesson had been about trusting God ..with ALL our heart. Evidently she listened. Maybe a Bible verse should be the first thing that comes out of our mouth in the morning. Maybe that could be a challenge??? What would your verse be IF you decided to take the challenge?????

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens. psalm 68:19

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Light up the sky

KK came running in my room last night about 7:30 telling me I had to come outside because the sky was my favorite color.She was so excited. She said she was singing and all the sudden it turned pink.It was beautiful . KK said it looked like pink and blue cotton candy...she was right.. She would look at the sky and then look at me...really hard in my eyes to see if I was going to cry. I wanted to so bad..The sky was amazing..oh my sweet child ...she wanted me to see it..but did not want to be the cause of my tears..I held it in...for her. We stood there for a while and just drank it all in. She noticed how one side of the sky was pink and it even made the trees glow. I explained to her that it was because of the light from the sun, and how it made everything beautiful. Just like how Jesus,Gods SON, does the same for us. So we came in and I was getting her ready to take a bath. She said out of the blue " I'm not going to college". I asked her why? She said" I'm smart enough already". I told her that we would worry about that later. I already knew what this talk was really about. She came to me again and said " I don't want to go off to college". I told her she didn't have to go OFF, she could go right here to school.
"I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE TO SCHOOL"....I knew it. For an 8 year old..she has such a connection to Rachel , and is so aware of how Everything relates. I told her I knew what she was saying. Now she was the one who was holding in the flood of tears. I thought her eyes would explode. I hugged her for a long time..and told her not to worry about anything . I told her I would drive her anywhere she wanted to go. Let's just finish the 2nd grade...lets only worry about getting through today..
The sun is back up this morning.The birds are singing.. "Weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning".

When I’m feeling all alone and so far to go
The signs are nowhere on this road guiding me home
When the night is closing in
It’s falling on my skin
Oh God will You come close

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don’t feel them shining
When I can’t see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I’ve almost reached the end
Like a flood You’re rushing in
Love is rushing in

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

So I run straight to Your arms
You’re the bright and morning Sun
To show Your love, there’s nothing You won’t do

Light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Vision of love

I have several friends on facebook that are also on the same path I am on. I see their beautiful pictures of the white crosses and flowers that mark the place where their precious children left this earth. I have chosen to not place anything at the place where Rachels wreck was. The main reason being that her little sisters do not know that is was right at the end of our street. I drive that way at least 4 times a day on school days. I know how very tender their hearts are, and I just don't want to add to their sadness. I have said before that people that experience such a great loss see with different eyes. When I leave my house and get to the end of my road , where most people look and see just a telephone pole..
My tear cleansed eyes help me see
the cross that gives life..eternally.
angel wings that set her free...and
One perfect white calla lily..

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

A few verses later, in 2 Corinthians 5:6-7, Paul says:

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight.

I fix my eyes on what is unseen...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Ridin the wave

I have been trying to get over the last part of the 2nd cold I have had. I am sick of being sick.I am sick of coughing and having a headache. This is why I haven't posted . I knew I would be to grumpy. ...There is still no word on Betty Boop. I am not good with waiting . I just need them to tell me she is ok.
KK has been missing Rach a lot. She woke up yesterday with her on her mind. I took her after school to the store for a new shirt. Not because she was sad, because when you are "class favorite" you need to look nice for your photo. KK walked right up to a shirt with Minnie Mouse on it. I tried to steer her towards something else..her words were " but this reminds me of Rachel". Rachel loved minnie mouse when she was little.She called her Pinnie mouse.. get the shirt...As soon as we all get home, KK says "show my shirt to Kennedy". As soon as Kennedy sees it, her face just falls. She turned to walk out of the room and I grabbed her in the hall. "I just miss her so much"she said.. When it hits...We will never be " over it" because we will never stop loving Rach.It seems to come in waves. Some days I can smile through the memory..and some days..I just need more than a memory.

Philippians 4:6-7 says…

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The peace of God will guard your hearts and your minds..WOW.. I don't think I have heard that verse as clear as I have just now when I typed it.The peace of God... That sounds pretty good to me !

Friday, April 1, 2011

My poor Betty

I have spent all of this week trying to figure out what is wrong with KK's sweet little Betty Boop. All of the sudden, she started having these "episodes", or seizure type things. They are horrific to watch. It is not epilepsy. The first vet took my money , gave me no answers, and annoyed me greatly. After Betty had back to back seizures, I contacted my sweet friend Melissa who has several small breed dogs.She called her vet and got me right in.The timing of her call was so perfect..I guess I should say..God's timing. She drove over to the vet with me and helped me get checked in with them. And started the prayers for Bettys weary mom....What a difference it made. We still do not have a definite answer.But I have faith in this vet. They are giving her meds, and sending her blood work off for a better look. All I know is ...I need that little dog fixed. She was KK's reward for doing so good at school this year..not grade wise..emotionally.. The look on her face when she saw her little puppy..I have owned all kinds of dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, hamsters..newts..I have never seen anything like this..I did have enough snap to grab my camera and make a video of her last "seizure" to show the vet. I know some people will say...its just a dog... well ...this is me sticking my tongue out at you ....U...... that little dog changed more than just KK... I am hoping that today is better.That she is better. Some of the things they are testing for....there is no cure and the recommendation is euthanasia...I think you all know what to pray for now..
" A righteous man cares for the needs of his animal,
but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel." prov. 12:10