Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Walking the walk

This past Saturday was probably one of the longest days I have had in a while. It was "pageant" day. I struggled to find the right hair do for Kennedy to wear. I was feeling a lot of pressure, because I wanted her to have a chance at placing this year. I never say WIN...just place... any place.. I have already shared how hard this one is because of her dress..Rach stayed on my mind all day, and night. Later in the afternoon as we were taking our last break before leaving, we sat to watch a little tv and just relax..What came on???? Napoleon Dynamite...if you know Rach...you know how much she loved that movie..we all knew what we were watching. It was a much needed laugh, and a connection. Then it was time to go.I was so proud of how Kennedy carried herself the whole night. She never said a mean comment, or judged any ones dress or appearance. I could hear and see it all around me...I must confess that I even had a thought or two...but Kennedy had nothing but positive things to say about everyone. I hope that can stay with her through her teen years. Well, somehow it all came together...the hair,the dress,the makeup, and the smile



She looked so beautiful. There were 10 beautiful girls in her category. She took her turn on the stage and her true beauty shone thru.....



SHE GOT 1ST RUNNER UP !!!! I was hiding backstage when they called the names..I of course cried.I was so happy for her. It was some stiff competition. The little girl that won looked like she was at least 16...thats all I'm gonna say...It was a great night.
After the pageant, we all went out to eat.

I was so tired from the day, and from the stress, but it was a nice end to a very long day. When the waitress came to the table to take our order, my eyes immediately went to her name tag..It said....

RACHEL


All I could hear in my mind was...of course her name is Rachel.....It was like she was saying.."I'm here too"... I held in my tears until we got into the dark car to come home..I am so grateful for my "God winks", or whatever it is you want to call them...(just don't say coincidence) .. It is just a reminder from Him that I am on the right path...even tho I might be in the valley.... "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me"...David never said walk AROUND or OVER the valley ..I have to walk through it..and these God winks remind me ...I am not alone.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

So long socks

I am so thankful that spring is here.The sunshine, the birds, the flowers...its all back. As I was folding my laundry this morning, I was reminded of the thing I will miss the most about cooler weather....wearing these socks..



I have worn these socks as often as I can since they were purchased. They WERE a 4 pack..Rachel is wearing the striped pair. I wear mine no matter what color shirt or pants I have on..They are the perfect socks to wear with boots. I see them every time I open my drawer, and I absolutely love wearing them (as you can tell).If it is a special occasion..they are my "special socks"..If i just need to feel an extra connection to her that day...I go to the socks.. I will miss them greatly for these next few months..I'm sure there will be days when I will "boot up" and wear them...but for now..
"My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare"
psalm 25:15

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The green dress

It is beauty pageant time again. yay!!!! Kennedy has done this particular pageant since she was in kindergarten. She loves doing it, so we allow her to be in it as long as she is ok with not winning. Last years dress was beautiful, and Kennedy loved it because it reminded her of Rach. This year is so much more than that...she has fallen in love with a green dress that her aunt Kim had and said would be beautiful on her. It is almost the same green as Rachs dress..just a little darker.As I was lacing up the corset back, I was instantly brought back to the dressing room when Rach first tried her dress on. The look on her face when she saw herself in the mirror...I will never forget. You just know when it is THE dress. Rach knew. As you can tell from every photo of her in that dress, she loved it.And then all the memories of September came flooding in.... I had tried to steer Kennedy towards a different dress, for my sake, but she loves this one . I asked very discreetly why she liked it.She said it was comfortable, and she liked the color. I was waiting for her to say it looked like Rachs dress..I will once again pull up my big girl pants and do what I need to do ....but it won't be easy. I still have a piece of Rachels dress. It is a small square of fabric with beading on it. I had to take it out after trying on "the dress" so I could remember exactly what Rachs looked like. I think its time to turn it into something. I have had it hidden away in a drawer , not knowing what to do with it. I don't want a pillow. I think I will just frame it ,somehow..
Tonight I am struggling for words. I miss my Rachel greatly, and so many others have shared with me this week how much they miss her too. I am glad to know that they still hold her so close in their heart. And I also know that God is still here with me. " Moses told the Israelites in Deut.4:9 to "only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live" I might not be following a cloud ,or a pillar of fire ,or eating manna...but God has done some amazing things for me on my journey...I try to think on those things, but some days ....a lot of days.....no matter how hard I try...you just can't stop the "love" from flowing....that's what I tell the little girls...my tears are my love... I am reposting my first post...this video my sister made of Rachel...in her dress...
video

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Covered


Last Thursday Kennedy was told she had type b flu. I spent the rest of spring break caring for her, and trying to keep everyone else from getting it. So far...so good.She is a really easy sick person, but I am still trying to catch up on everything else.
The other night I walked in my sons room and found Rachels green blanket amongst his covers. I told him he could use it but when he was done with it, it went in the "pretty room". I told him that it was Rachels. He said " well no wonder I slept so good... I had it wrapped around me"..... that made my heart smile .



He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock
That shadows a dry, thirsty land;
He hideth my life with the depths of His love,
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Feeling fancy


My husband wasn't able to take any time off this year for our spring break.That,however, did not stop me and the girls from going to our favorite place in Texas.....MOODY GARDENS. Thanks to my parents, we have a year long membership... Which makes us VIP's...I know there are risk in traveling that way, but I was mentally ready, and really needed to do it for myself. We went to Kemah first and ate in the Aquarium restaurant( us and 8 other people).Everyone else has spring break next week, so everything was pretty empty. We got to sit right by the huge aquarium .KK said she felt so "fancy"..Our new phrase to overuse...fancy..being fancy..We also fed the stingrays while we were there...AWESOME.. We went on to Galveston and stayed at the luxurious Moody Gardens Hotel..once again ..off season...We had a wonderful 3 days. We swam, ate a ton of food,


We wore our fancy hotel robes everywhere, and just enjoyed ourselves. Every time we got in the car we heard Bohemian Rhapsody...seriously..everytime...that was Rachs signature song..I saw or heard glimpses of her in everything we did. The girls chatted about her constantly..the sunsets were breathtaking...so many little things too,but what struck me the most was on the last day there,while we were waiting in line to do the 4 d movie there was a group of young girls standing by us. They were laughing and being silly. I of course thought of Rach ..but then this one girl was right in the other ones face and very loudly says " oh my gosh you look so much like Rachel....you remind me so much of Rachel"...and then they all were like " oh my gosh she does...oh my gosh..." and then they all stop and just like at me..I guess because I was staring at them..but I wanted to say..I heard you...I know ...I saw her with her hair pulled back in a headband..with a side pony tail...with bobby pins holding up the sides...with her LAMAR hoodie on...and her huge baggy purse...and weird colored tennis shoes...yea...I saw her... I don't go around with my mind set on "finding" things that remind me of Rachel.In fact it is when I am least looking for them that they appear...I guess what I am trying to say is ..It is when I am living that I find HER life the most in my life. That is what I think this week was telling me..L I V E...it is ok to live.

"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him."
Daniel 2:20-22



I truly do carry her heart in my heart.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Chillin


So here we are again at Spring Break .Today it was rainy and cold..not what you want for spring break. Everyone at my house is missing Rachel greatly. I had a dream the other night that she was in.This is only the second time I have dreamed about her . I don't really remember this dream, or what it all was about..I just remember her. It was almost like clips of dreams, and she would just be there in it..laughing , smiling ...just there.I remember her hair.Her hair was so incredibly long.And when I spoke to her, it was with the understanding that I hadn't seen her in a while." Wow , your hair is so long now." I remember touching her hair. It was so real.There was also no sadness.No crying. No feeling bad. It was all laughing and , well, it was joyful. It seemed like it lasted all night. I tried so hard to remember all of it, but I couldn't. There was no plot, no story line, just Rach. I think I will call it " the dream of awesomeness", only because it sounds like something she would say. I also think she would love to have the phrase "chillin with Jesus" added to her facebook status. You can feel free to make a face...but I know she would love it. I miss her so much. I miss laughing and just being around her. I have been having days where the words just don't come. I feel like I write the same thing over and over, so I don't write. It is just part of the journey, the ebb and flow...I don't know which is which.I'm assuming "flow" is smoother...f l o w i n g....or it could mean your angry " kiss my grits"...Only you older people will get that...Whether I'm Ebb or Flo...it is exhausting being me.
Isaiah 40:31 NIV
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength....
my favorite part of the verse..renew...I'm ready..