Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Monday, November 28, 2011

B L O O M !

Well I took off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and headed to Moody Gardens with the girls. I wasn't sure how that would work out, since I was responsible for cooking a huge meal the next day. I made the right decision.

That huge smile stayed on their face the whole day(except when it was time to leave).
They acted like we had never been before. It was an amazing day. The animals were in rare form too. It was so nice to just be able to see them be happy knowing that the next day would have a huge void as we sit down to eat. I had went to the store on Tuesday and bought my favorite flowers...stargazer lilies. I also added some yellow roses to the vase. I bought them early thinking they would open and be perfect for Thanksgiving day. They make the room smell so great too. Well Thursday rolled around and this is what they looked like....

No sweet fragrance filling the room... I just stood there looking at them ..I tried adding some warm water thinking it would help them to open..I realized as I stood there staring at my buds that I just got schooled on Thanksgiving. I can't force a flower to bloom..God knows when the exact time is right for that flower to open. Me screaming BLOOM at it won't make it happen. There are other things in my life that I can't force to change , or force them to go on to the next is all about timing ..God's timing. When I am ready , things will change as they should, not as I force them too. For whatever reason, part of me still needs to stay tight in my own cocooned bulb, and when the time is right.. I can open again. God will do it in his own miraculous way..and in His time.
"But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, "You are my God." My times are in Your hand."

Friday they began to bloom. They are even more beautiful than I remembered them being. God continues to show me how very much He is in control...and for that I am truly thankful.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thanks for times of gladness

I have been an unwilling participant in an experiment for the past internet was not working. There is a difference in being at the lake and not having access to the internet..and being somewhere where it SHOULD be working, needing it to work, and not be able to use it. I dare you to turn yours off, hide the modem, and wait 7 days. No sneaking on at work either. No smart phones ...rid yourself of the facebook drama and you will be amazed at how ridiculous it is when you log back on. So many things have happened since my last post. Kennedy turned 12+1..I refuse to say 13. She was 13 on the 13th. It was a great weekend for her.
Last Wednesday night we had our church -wide Thanksgiving meal together. It was the first time since losing Rachel that my little girls came with me. I was so glad to see them not have that look of " I don't want to hear anything sad" on their face. Our preacher had printed out some gratitude scriptures and was walking around asking for volunteers to read them. He handed me one and I looked at it said something about a fig tree.. I told him I would do it if I could pick my scripture. He fanned them all out in his hand and I picked one....

My friend Kelly saw my face and knew something was up...I showed her the scripture,and sat there practicing saying it, hearing myself say those words. The preacher called for us to line up to read them and I was number 4. As I read the scripture I was mindful of how many people in that room had just recently lost loved ones, and of those who had also lost a child. I was able to read the scripture and not shed a tear. My voice did crack a little when I read the very last part..O Lord,my God.. I felt as if I had climbed a mountain. Little did I know I was only halfway up. Sunday morning I finished what I started. I sang the special music, but I didn't do it alone. Rachels sweet friend Lauren that helps me on Wednesday nights sang with me. Our song was No Matter What. I had posted it on here a few weeks ago. I had asked to sing a couple of Sundays ago, but we had to wait I know why. God's timing..always perfect. I was so excited to sing this song and to sing with Lauren....and Lauren knew what it meant to me too. She had grown up in our church with Rach, and she and Rach had sang together many times.

It felt good to sing again. I had my verse with me as I went to the podium,and reminded the congregation of it. After we sang the preacher asked if everyone there could say that they had that kind of matter what..I'm gonna love you. What a great start to our Thanksgiving week. I am not saying I am ready ...I am just ready to try.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Heaven help us

As my little Kk was climbing out of the tub, she looked at me with that pleading sweet face and asked. " what does heaven really look like"? I always know when her heart is heavy. I tried to force a smile and she explained" I know about Hollywood heaven, and how it looks on Tom and Jerry....I think its alot of clouds...clouds everywhere" do you explain something that you don't yourself understand? I tried to give her a few sentences to help her but in my heart I knew it was about something else. After she dressed without looking at me she said" ummm...say a little girl went to heaven but her mom and dad didn't...where would she be.." I asked her if she meant a little girl like Rachel? Imagine having this sweet angel face flooded with tears of sorrow.

She is so worried about her sister being alone in heaven, because we, her family, are here! What love she has..I explained to her how much God loves Rach and how many family and friends were there too. And then we just sat on the couch with her face buried in my neck..and bawled our eyes out. Evidently two years don't mean diddly squat in grief. Books give wrong information. There is not a timeline on grief. It is a has no end. Whether you are 8 or 78 it never stops. Maybe this post is for you or maybe it is for you to better understand someone else's grief. There are some days when my thoughts on heaven are almost paralyzing because they are so intense..and then there are days when I can just smile and know that one day...I will know for sure..

Matthew 18:10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.

THEIR ANGELS ALWAYS see the face of God.
It is amazing how just a few words can bring such comfort. I pray that as the holidays get closer that my girls will find only love in their sweet memories of Rach.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

32 forever !

I'm sure you're wondering where I have been? My weekend was full of of spending time with family that I haven't got to really visit with in a long time. My niece came in from Cape Cod with her precious family and we had a get-together Sunday. Watching my three nieces ,who are now beautiful women, interact with each other and watching how they loved each others children was at times overwhelming. My niece Amber started the conversation about age. How she couldn't believe how old she was and how I had seemed to be 32 FOREVER !!! In my mind I am still I am ok with getting older. Growing old is ok...its the growing away that rips me apart. Wanting so desperately to remember more, to be able to see more vividly the memories of those sweet little girls playing , singing ,growing up with my sweet little girl. It is the drifting away from that time that is so painful. I made it through the weekend knowing what was ahead. We trunk and treated with my nieces children and my brother and his very sweet "lady friend" (as Rach would call her). I took my girls trick or treating on Halloween and then Tuesday 11-1-11 rolled in. I tried to stay as busy as I could knowing that I would be taking them to get their new boots after school. I was touched by all the birthday wishes from Rachels friends and from my friends. I had a wonderful time with my girls. We ate out and boots were found!

KK was hoping to get some more boots like the last ones that were made by the company Rachel...we couldn't find any.We did find these with hearts on the straps !! Yes Kennedys boots are very tall...If you spend five minutes with this girl , she just loves boots...she is modest, and carries herself like a 13 yr old should.. in other words...don't be

For me this year was extra special because I also was given a gift for Rachels birthday from my mother.

Amazing isn't it? The photo does not do it justice. It is a rather large painting, and the detail is so great that you can just caught up in looking at it. Rachels name means lamb. I love everything about this painting, how the girl is Carrying the lamb...its just perfect.
"Ah then to His embrace repair
my soul, thou art no stranger there;
There love divine shall be thy guard
And peace and safety thy reward."

There was so much to take in this weekend. So many God winks, so many special moments for me. Some people say that seeing is believing..I say believing is seeing. I don't just look to heaven and hope for a better day, I look up to heaven because I know God is every every twinkling star.

"but the most amazing thing to me about who you are,
is you are here, and you are strong.
You are mighty to save us from all of the wrong.
From the first sunrise , to the day the sun falls...
you hold us together cause you're mighty to love."