Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Friday, August 31, 2012

No words

This week we headed back to school. It is the first time that my 4th grader Kaitlin did Not cry. I was so glad to see her be able to talk about how she was feeling, and see her respond to my words. Goodness knows I was not ready for them to go back. I have an 8th grader too. That's means next year she will be in high school. She is now sporting the very same hairdo that Rachel had around her age. Long and straight with a side part. I don't know how it evolved into it. We just let it grow from a bob, and now....its all I can see when I look at her.
Today after I send my girls off to school , I have to do something that is so hard. A family that is very dear to me , lost a precious not even 5 month old baby. It is a heartbreaking story. No medical reasons..just gone.
I went to go visit the grandparents as soon as I found out. Rachel loved them both so much. They are the ones she left me for in vacation Bible school to go do dramas with. The look on his face said it all. It took me back to the day I lost Rach. I knew there were no words, and I didn't want to say one of those well meaning but very painful phrases that get said . " Say something"......I kept telling myself..and all the while my eyes are locked on his pleading face. Tell me this is a dream...tell me I will be OK. ..
I haven't been to the funeral home since Rachel's funeral. I've been to funerals, just not there.
I know God is with this family of believers. When someone asked " why us" the grandfathers response was " why not us"???? Who are we to expect things not to happen to us?
I will walk in and love this family the way so many have loved me. I know it is the only thing that keeps me going.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

what a dream means

I have always been fascinated by dreams. Not just my dreams, but other peoples dreams too. I wish we still had dream interpreters like there were in the Bible. I think I spend to much time trying to figure out what my dreams mean. After losing Rachel, I went for a very long time without having Any dreams. It would just be black. I think it was my minds way of protecting me. I say all of that to lead into the fact that last nights dream was very intense. It was not at very long dream, but it was packed with emotion.
I was at a house that I did not recognize with a friend from school and my girls were at home(but not our real home) down the street. It was getting late so I was going to head home to check on them, I suddenly felt an urgency to be home with them. As I stepped onto the road, I could see the other house was only about 2 houses down from me. But as soon as I took the first step , the road turned into something out of a horror movie. Actually , it was everything from every scary movie ever made crammed into 20 yards of road. I could feel the fear and sense evil. It was as if I was walking down Satan's road. Just when I thought I was going to scream, I felt a tight squeeze on my right hand. It was so firm. And I heard a voice say, "you know I'm here. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand". As I walked I could see layers and layers of horrific images unfolding. I began to sing part of a hymn really loud and really slow.

O Jesus, Blessed Redeemer, Sent from the Heart of God, Hold us who wait before the near to the heart of God.

I made it (with the Lords help) to my house and to my girls. Then in my dream I began to analyze what had just happened. I told myself that maybe that small stretch of road was a symbol for my journey... how I had been through so much in such a short time. How grief has caused me to fear Everything and make everything seem to be so much scarier and more dangerous than others would think it was. But what stood out the most was the closeness I felt to my protector and guide. Was it the Holy Spirit? My Angel?

For it is written: "'He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully;

Psalms 138:7 ~ “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me: you shall stretch forth your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand shall save me.”

Psalms 91:1,2, 10,11,12 ~ “He that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God in
Him will I trust. There shall no evil befall you, neither shall any plague come near your dwelling. For He shall give his angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. They shall bear you up in their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.”

I don't know. I just know that I felt safe. I felt protected, and I felt loved.
Love Never Fails.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

All kinds of smiles

We finally were able to take a few days off this summer and go hang out at our usual summer hangout ...the lake. It was nice to be able to be off the phone , off the computer, to just be able to turn my brain off. The fishing was not great but our time together in the boat was .
On Saturday afternoon Kenny got ready to make his usual run to "Tidbits" . Tidbits is a convenience store about 15 minutes away in Anacoco. Rachel always rode to the store with Kenny. She said she liked the way he said Anacoco. . I had never been until that afternoon. I knew everyone was getting ready to go but I wasn't..I wasn't "ready" to go. That was Rachel's thing. But when my husband said come on and ride with us, I went. After we turned off of hwy 191 and started down 392 ... I realized why she loved going. It instantly is tree lined hills. It is one of those roads that make you feel like you are going somewhere special. Plus Kenny bought her anything she wanted. They made that trip so many times . I was glad I went.
As soon as we got back we jumped in the boat and headed to the sandbar for some swimming. My favorite time to go is in the late afternoon . When we head back and pull out of the cove we can always see the sun as it is setting right over the lake. It never disappoints. That night it was breathtaking. I was staring at it and I heard Kennedy say "look" !!!! She was pointing at the sky. I said yes it beautiful and she said " no look , a smiley face". There in the sky made out of clouds was in fact a huge smiling face. 2 eyes a nose and a mouth. No other clouds in the sky. I don't know how I missed it. I guess I was too busy staring at the sun I didn't notice. Kennedy did. She was smiling as big as the cloud. Of course I didn't have my camera. We didn't need it. Some sunsets never forget.
On the last day we did something that has taken us three years to do. We let go , just a little. We did what we call a little "tubin".

You pull an inner tube behind the boat and enjoy the ride. Kennedy and Dakota had a smile as big as the one in the sky. I even jumped in and took a ride. Its something people do all the time at the lake, but for us it was a huge step . Change is hard , especially when it is happening to you. It seems like it is when you stop trying to change that it finally happens. When you start showing up, appreciating the present moment, and detaching from the need to know how things are going to turn out. It happens when you stop worrying what other people are going to think and start speaking and living your truth.
Let go and let God.

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Monday, August 6, 2012

Sunday schooled

Yesterday I did something I hadn't done in about 8 years. I went to an adult Sunday School class. I wasn't sure if I was feeling excited or guilt or just felt different. Of course the lesson was on service. (I recently stepped down from all of my positions in our children's department.) But what was amazing to me was one of the first verses that was read . We were studying Jeremiah, Chapter 1.

4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew [a] you, 5 before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. ”

6 “Ah, Sovereign LORD,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.”

OK..When Rachel was in the youth department at some point this next verse was read to her by someone. She only had to hear it once. She got it. She understood it. I remember her being upset about not being able to do something at church, and she said " what about that verse in Jeremiah"???? I always thought she was talking about a different verse. When I heard this being read ..,as I stared at it in my book ..I could hear her voice saying it.....

7 But the LORD said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD

She was never "only a child". As a child she would say things adults would struggle to say. As a teen ..well, I'm still trying to understand and uncover all that she did. Was she perfect ??? No..I never said she was. She was willing. Just like every murderer, thief, and (as the kids would say) ..."loser" that God somehow used for His glory .

"When the journey ends
There's a new beginning"

A new beginning sounds pretty darn good.

"When I was a child
I walked like a child
But now I'm a soldier
Like the Bride and Groom I will be married"

Those are some of my favorite words from this song The Other County....

Your eyes see the shining city
Your love heals the poisoned mind
When the journey ends
There's a new beginning
When the risen man
Heals the weight of time
I can feel it over the line
I see the other country
I see the other side
Do not be afraid of this earthly city
Do not be afraid when the pharaohs nigh
Draw near the lambs awaiting
Where the river runs thru the sky's align
From that painting of a ship
We have all been chosen
To the painters creation
In his dream design
I can feel it over the line
I see the other country
I see the other side
Do not be afraid of this earthly city
Do not be afraid when the pharaohs nigh
When I was a child
I walked like a child
But now I'm a soldier
Like the Bride and Groom I will be married
I see the other country
I see the other side
Do not be afraid of this earthly city
Do not be afraid when the pharaohs nigh
Even though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death
Even though I sink through the ocean
You will rescue me
I am standing in the fire
But I can hear the choir singing
I was a blind man stumbling
But now I see
I was blind, blind blind
But now I see
I was blind, blind blind
But now I see