Where ya going?

I came across this one night while I was Not sleeping.



Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson.

Chapter 1:

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes
forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2:

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t

believe I am in this same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still

takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3:

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in … it’s a habit … but my

eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out

immediately.

Chapter 4:

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5:

I walk down a different street.


I instantly could see how this related to grief, addiction, eating disorders...so many things that we wrestle with daily. After I read this a couple of times, I started to think that for me personally, parts of it didnt fit. When I had fallen down into my dark holes, I knew I was not alone. I did feel at times that people didn't really understand the depths of my pain.But I always knew that God was right there with me. I also knew that I would not stay down in that hole forever. Sometimes it just felt more comfortable in the darkness. I know you don't understand that. I still wrestle with being "out of the hole". I don't have guilt for not being as sad I had been(believe me, I still have many sad days)..it just feels like I'm not in my skin.That deep sadness is all I have known for over 2 years. You hold on so tightly to everything that you feel for the person that you lost because it almost feels like...thats all you have left of them..and you don't want to lose that too.The truth is, we all have choices daily that we have to make. Choices in how we treat others, and how we treat ourselves.
Proverbs 4:26 says " Ponder the path of your feet".
I think that best sums up what the poem was trying to say.
Ponder the path of your feet..

Her Guarded Heart

I have worried a lot about how my kids are handling their grief. I know each child is different; they are different ages and they are very different people. I know too that they have watched my every move and tear. The other day Kennedy mentioned that she got a lot of high marks on a paper she had written. I asked her what she had wrote about and she said it had to be on someone special. I asked well who was is? She said I wrote about Rachel. I asked her why I was just now hearing about it..and she said she didn't want to upset me. I asked her if I could read it and she said sure. I breezed through it trying to make sure that I showed NO emotion except a smile. She also said she had to read it to the class. Let me just say how beautiful her paper was. It was so well written. Put that aside..imagine reading it to your classmates. I was so proud of her. I was also relieved to know that my child is OK. I asked her if it was hard for her to read it and she said almost the very same words that I have said to people I LOVE TALKING ABOUT HER.
So here it is..in her own words..from her heart...her truth..

RA RA

A lot of girls or other siblings might find it maddening to have had an older sister; but not me! I had an extraordinary sister , Rachel Ann Clark, for the first eleven years of my life. RaRa was always into sports. Her favorite was volleyball. She also played soccer and softball when she was about my age.Unfortunately she quit her great talent for sports at the end of her sophomore year. One hobby that we have in common is that we have a passion for video games. I remember side by side with her we conquered Rayan, Mario, Catwoman and best of all Zelda. When I was about five, I played her gamecube so much she became enraged. For Christmas a month later I got my own Gamecube! We both thought Zelda was the best video game ever. Another interest we have in common is that we love to read. Reading is one of the many things that Ra Ra did. I bet she can read the whole Harry Potter series in one day!She probably read half of the fiction books in the library by the time she finished High school. Everyone that she knows remembers how hilarious Ra Ra was before she died. She would always take funny pictures of herself. Also she wasn't obnoxious about it like some people. Ra Ra also loved every kind of music. The only music she didn't care for was my favorite music..screamo music. Although she didn't despise it the way I do country music, she cold live without it. Speaking of music, I bet she had the best singing voice in high school. Rachel Clark is the most lovely girl that ever walked the earth. Never did she need make up to look beautiful. Greatly modest. Her hair was as gorgeous as a princess. It was brown, blonde and straight.Best of all, she had the greatest soul.
Ra Ra was kind,sweet, generous , a good Christian, and the best older sister ever.



After she read her paper, there was a time for questions. One of the questions a classmate asked was if it was hard to read the paper.She told them the same thing she told me..


Even in the depths of our sadness, there is a special place in our hearts that is guarded ..that is impenetrable by this darkness of grief. That is the place where faith, hope , and love are formed...
and the greatest of these is Love.

Climbing my mountains

Thursday while I was waiting at the gate to pick KK up from school, I noticed this little girl who was around a year old playing on these concrete bricks. She was so excited.She was trying so hard to climb up on them.Her mom was such a great cheerleader for her too. It was clear that this little angel was just experiencing the feeling of climbing and a lot of other things. Everything she saw and touched was with fresh eyes. An acorn, a blade of grass, and even a stick all seemed to be something amazing when she was looking at it. I watched her as she finally made it to the top of these bricks.She sat down and smiled this huge smile while her mommy clapped for her. She made it look so fun I almost wanted to go over there and sit down too!!! And then I started thinking..how many times a day do we conquer mountains that may seem like no big deal to someone else? Have we just gotten so caught up in the busyness of life that we just cant stop and smile and say " Thank you Lord , we did it" . It might not be a big deal to anyone else but you ... and to God. Maybe if we looked at things with fresh eyes we could see the excitement in doing them, and then be able to smile in the victory. Maybe if we acknowledge God in all the little things He helps us climb, when the really big mountains are in front of us ..we won't be so quick to forget He is with us.




please take a moment and listen to this song

Beyond the sunset

(OK...I lost a couple of sentences while I was editing...and no one noticed?????maybe this will make more sense..)


Sunday night I headed to church for our evening service. As soon as I headed down my road, Rachel came so heavy on my mind. I could see the sunset was going to be beautiful. Honestly, I tried not to see it because I knew I would be a mess at church if I did. I lost it in my rear view mirror and my thoughts shifted back toward church. We were going to be presenting an idea for a new kind of service on Sunday nights...and I'm back to thinking about Rach and how much she would love me still trying to play the drums at church, and how excited she would be about the new service...I made the uturn and the sunset slapped me in the face. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the night of her funeral..as we drove away from this very church..the sky sang to me. It was the same pink and blue cotton candy sky .It wasn't until later that I realized it was the 19th. I lost count of the days after Valentines day. Thats all I used to do was count days . Count the days until "that day" was here. I think the 16th would be as hard as the 17th....I used to dread that number. But then enough days pass and you realize that those feelings are
always there, no matter what the date is...some things make me miss her
more.. The flowers fade, the birds and the butterflies leave, but ...I always have my sunsets..


While I was looking for a photo to use in this post, I found this picture in the computer that was created by Kennedy in June 2009...it has my colors in the sky.

Beyond the sunset,
O glad reunion,
With our dear loved ones
who've gone before,
In that fair homeland
we'll know no parting.
Beyond the sunset
forever more.

What if it's love

It seems like its rained everyday here. It makes it impossible to go to Rachel's garden or to bring anything beautiful out there. I was feeling very down about it early this morning. I walked in the kitchen and saw the things on the table for the girls from their dad and just knew that there was an empty place. I got the girls ready for school and went to put Kk in the truck with all her valentines for school. When I opened her door this was sitting on the seat. She had made it at church and I guess it had gotten lost in the mix. I really don't know what happened, I just know this is what I saw when I opened the door.







I opened it and read it. Everyone has heard this verse (John 3 16)hundreds of times, but when I read it today, it was truly a gift.











Shall Not perish
Everlasting life

That is true love. And it is the best valentine .
(I know her hand writing makes it hard to read.They took the word Valentine and wove John 3 16 in it).

This week I had had one of Rachs friends on my mind. She was in the youth department at church with Rach and after graduation, she got to go to Hillsong college for a year. She sang many times in our church and always gave a testimony with her song. This song that she sang had been going through my head and it was one of the first things I thought of after reading KK's card.....










What if you're right? He was just another nice guy. What if You're right?

What if it's true? They say the cross will only make a fool of you. What if it's true?

What if He takes His place in history with all the prophets and the kings who taught us love and came in peace, but then the story ends?

What then?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more? What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for? What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

What if you dig way down deeper than your simple-minded friends? What if you dig?

What if you find a thousand more unanswered questions down inside?

That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic and begin poke the holes? What if the crown of thorns is no more than folklore that must be told and re-told, and re-told?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more? What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for? What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

'Cuz you've been running as fast as you can. You've been looking for a place you land for so long.

But what if you're wrong?

What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?


It is love .
The greatest of these
is love.

The Story of my life

This past weekend I headed to Houston with the girls to spend some time with my sister and her family. She has twin boys that my girls love hanging out with. In her spare time , my sister also writes a blog(among other things) This is what her "about me" says..

As a designer, I specialize in room re-arrangement and putting together the little touches that tell the story of who you are. This blog tells the story of who I am.

As I look around my home , I see so many things that tell the story of who I am, or I guess I should say , who I have become. In every room I have something that has Rachels verse on it. ( you know, Love is...). There are hearts, calla lilies, butterflies, and crosses, and of course little treasures of Rachels that only I know what they are. They are a constant connection to me, not to keep me holding on to the loss, but to remember the life. The story of her life, and mine.
While I was visiting with my sister, she gave me these wonderful shells that look like angel wings. As soon as I got home I started trying to get creative with them. I thought I would use a page from an old book that I have to make a little somthin somethin . I have an old book that I love to use,it has poems and pictures .It is titled The Country Diary of an Edwardian Lady.I turned to September hoping to find something special . I started reading this poem and could only make it through the third line.





One morn I put my heart to sleep.
The story of my life.


I switched gears and went with just a black background in a shadow box . I love it!





As I was driving home from my sisters on Sunday late afternoon, I was given the gift of seeing an incredible sunset in my rear view mirror the entire way home. It also seemed like every song that came on the radio was just for me. There was a connection to Rachel in every one of them . They seemed to tell the story too. I'm so thankful for memories, they fuel me ...even if through the tears.

The story of my life is very plain to read
It starts the day you came
And ends the day you leave
The story of my life begins and ends with you
The names are still the same
And the story's still the truth

I love this song . I remember hearing it when Rachel was very little. The first time I heard it reminded me of my mom and dad. It was one of the songs I heard on the way home.



my sisters blog
http://www.curiousdetails.com/

Just Maybe

This weekend I finally had the courage to go through the last box of
Rachel's " things". It was full of photos, cards(she kept them ALL), report cards, medals, it was such a mix of things. I had gone through all of it before, but I still always have the hope of finding a treasure. I was halfway through the box when I came upon these two pieces of paper folded and tucked in between some cards. I knew as soon as I glanced over that I had not seen it before.There was no date and no name only these printed words.

Just maybe.



Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe … when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe … it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe … the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe … the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe … you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe … there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate
them more.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swin with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you have ever had.

Maybe ..you should always try to put yourself in others shoes.If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person too.

Maybe...you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is to simply leave them alone.

Maybe...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. do not expect love in return..just wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it doesn't be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe...happiness waits for those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all of those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe...you should not go for looks, they can only decieve..don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smke to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe...you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe...you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.





Just maybe.....God will continue to place these special gifts where I can find them.