Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Learning to Fly

Its odd how everything has a different meaning .Songs,poems, in everything I look for a way to connect them to Rachel or to my feelings.I hadn't read any books on grief or how to grieve ,until today.I was gifted today with a huge basket full of goodies,so much thought was put into every part of it.A book written by 2 ladies about grief was in the basket.I thumbed through it.I really wanted to try to stay away from things that talk about Heaven or anything like that until I had sorted some things out for myself.I figured if it wasn't in the Bible I didn't need to know it.This book is just about grief.Not so much how I should grieve, but just examples or types of grief and different circumstances. In the book there is a quote from Jonathan Livingston Seagull".I read it a re-read about 10 times.This quote had came to one of the writers in a dream after her brother had died=

"If our friendship depends on space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we've destroyed our own brotherhood. But overcome space, and all you have left is Here. Overcome time and all you have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don't you think that we might see each other once or twice?"
It will take a few readings to get it,or maybe you won't.
After reading that quote,I searched for the book on line to try to understand it.And thats when I found this gem=

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have known, and are about to step out into darkness, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen =There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly."
Which makes me remember the song my niece sang at church
"When I call on Jesus all things are possible.You can mount on wings like eagles and soar."
Some days I do feel like I'm flying.I think that the days I feel so low are the days I am relying on "me" too much for strength.Which reminds me of yet another song
"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings."

(rach took this pic)

Friday, November 27, 2009


How can I begin to describe the feelings I had in the days leading up to Thanksgiving.There are so many elements to them.Remember how you felt on 9-11?How about after seeing the effects of hurricane Katrina in New Orleans?Or Rita on us?Now think of the saddest movie you've ever seen.The saddest song you know.Put them all in a blender and pour it in your heart.Thats only a fraction of the sorrow.It is all encompassing.But honestly,it sometimes is like that on a daily basis.A holiday or "special"day just intensifies it.But with Gods help I continue to put one foot in front of the other and try to do what I think He wants me to do.
So Wednesday after all the food was bought I decided I wanted fresh Calla lilies to put out on the table to represent Rach on Thanksgiving day.Well of course NO ONE had them.Extra anxiety is really not what I need.I just had to let it go.I decided to just light a candle instead.Well that morning Kenny got up early and started a fire.He had also lit a candle,something he has never done.I knew what it meant .I had prayed before I even opened my eyes that God would see me through this day as he had all the others.It was a double whammy.Thursday and Thanksgiving.I realized that it would always be that.I also realized that God would be there on every one of them.I started cooking the meal for the day.I was at a place where it was just waiting on the bird, so I knew it was time to go to Rachs garden.I wouldn't be able to do anything else until I went.I went in my pj's with a betty boop do rag on my head.I went and sat and just asked God to clear my mind.It was so quiet.I heard nothing in my mind but the wind.It was odd,I could hear the wind in the woods but I did not feel it.I only felt the warmth of the sun.It was so bright that morning I had to shield my eyes.I just sat with my head down just breathing and listening.When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw were these 2 flowers in an Althea tree right by her.Only 2 were within reach .There were others really high up tho.I didn't need Calla lilies.I just needed to "be still".Why is that so hard for me?I brought them home ,vased them, and put them on the table.Robin came over and we ate,we played video games,and we breathed.Robin got the Christmas tree down so me and the girls could get busy on that.It is going to be a beautiful tree.Its all so bittersweet.We bought things Rach would like for the tree.She would have loved it.I'm so gonna need something bigger than a mustard seed to get through this!

Dear Lord for the sake of those whose lives I touch ,increase my faith.amen

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


I can't overlook the fact that it is Thanksgiving,I've tried,but it ain't working.We are going to stay home and just eat and let the day and our emotions unfold.I know that it will be okay,not perfect,but okay.I want my children to see gratitude in my heart because I am so very thankful.For all my family and friends that pray for me daily.For all of Rachs friends that keep in touch and make me smile.For my little girls who daily let me see glimpses of Rach in them.For my sons who try to be so very brave for me and for the being such great and willing huggers.For all that my immediate family does and for all the things I know they would do if I needed them to ,I am very thankful.I am thankful for a husband who can see through my fragile smile and know what I need;who picks up the slack with the housework or the little girls when I am falling.I am thankful for my Lord and Savior and for all His promises that I cling too.But most of all this year I am thankful for each and every second I had to spend with my beautiful Rach.I am thankful that I wasn't just her "Mom".I'm thankful for our laughter together ,our singing together,our joking together and even the tears.I am so thankful for my beautiful Rachel.

Breath in every moment and hold them in your heart.
We took this photos last Thanksgiving.I am thankful for them too.

Praise and glory and wisdom and THANKS and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever.Amen!rev7:12

Monday, November 23, 2009

Shields of strength

I got up early today determined to finish cleaning out Rachs room.First I repainted it a very soft "oyster'color.Then came the hard part.I took out her furniture.I turned her room into a sitting room.I went to my moms house and borrowed some of her things to help pull the room together.It was just too hard to go in that room and see her unmade bed,and have it feel so empty ...After I got back from moms with my goodies, and started putting the room together I started to feel very panicky,like maybe I had made the wrong decision.I reached up to get some of her trophies off the top shelf and dangling on one of them were these shields of strength.I had been in this room countless times lately and had never seen them. The verses on them were just what I needed to hear.

2Tim. 1:7 For God has not given me the spirit of fear,but the power of love and of a sound mind.

Joshua 1:9 I will be strong and courageous.I will not be terrified or discouraged;for the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.

I finished the room.It is so peaceful.It is full of Rachels favorite things.It is full of her.I am so thankful for the strength I have through the Lord.I'm so thankful I "found" what God needed me to know today,

Friday, November 20, 2009

I Carry Her Heart

This poem is the reason for the title of this blog.I heard it in a movie around Labor day weekend and loved it.I had this urgency to share it with Rach.I pulled it up on the computer and she read it.She loved it too.I think about this poem all the time.I hope when she read it she knew that it was for her.She is with me ALWAYS.Today the girls and I went to Rachels garden.It was the first time that Kennedy didn't cry while we were there.

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywherei go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Heaven In The Face Of My Little Girl

Its been a while since I posted.Kennedy's birthday was the 13th.I think it was harder than Rachs was.My pain has been coming in HUGE waves lately.It is a sorrow that is so raw .It doesn't last for long,but it just is all consuming.To try to deny it is like trying to contain a volcano.It has to come out.For me it is a very private thing.It is like a gaping open wound or the worst burn you can imagine.If you were to touch those, thats how intense these feelings are.I know my family and so many friends are only a phone call away ,but this is how I have to walk through the fire,right now.Thats one thing I've learned,just when you get used to feeling things a certain way they change.
If you haven't heard this song by Steven Curtis Chapman go to youtube and watch his video.He lost his little girl in a car accident also.His older son accidentally ran over her in their driveway.This is such a powerful song.I only could do 1 verse. Keep me in your prayers please.I know most of my feelings are in anticipation of the upcoming holidays.Plus when I am alone now, is usually the times when I was with Rach or she would be texting me .There is such an emptiness.But there are precious little ones that pull me back in,with a hug or something funny.Hug your children extra tight tonight, especially the ones that think they are too big for it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

If we are the body

The weekend after Rachs funeral,our good friends that own Sertinos',where Rachel was working, came to visit us.They had been out of the country on a business trip .They brought me everything from work that was Rachels. Her sign in card.Her application.They had even cut out the article from the paper.I was so glad,because I have this need to see any and everything that has anything to do with her.
I noticed on the outside of this clear folder a crucifix.I had never seen it.Nancy saw me looking at it and explained that it was Rachel's.Rach had put it on her apron at work,but then she took it off and put it on the computer so employees would see it when they signed in or out.I'm in my 40's and struggle a lot for ways to talk about Jesus with my friends,much less people I just met.Rachel had only worked there for a few days when she began talking with them about her Jesus.I was glad to hear this story. You know we are so quick to judge young people because of how they look, or just because of how very visible their struggles with the world seem. I think with age you just get better at hiding them ,because we ALL struggle.We all stumble.Rachel struggled,but she never quit .I've always tried to not judge,but now more so than ever I try to look at people in a different way. The truth is we don't know what is in a persons heart.We don't know what that person lays awake at night and thinks about or talks about with God.Rachel loved the song by Casting Crowns "If we are the body".

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ

Take a minute and watch the video.Listen to the words.Click on the title of this post"If we are the body" it will take you to the video.

Live a life of love,just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.eph.5:2

Monday, November 9, 2009

Sweet Sister V

In the past 7 weeks I have received so many cards,emails,and messages from friends and family and some from people I don't even know.I keep every card.I reread them ALOT.Right after the wreck I received a card from a lady in Beaumont who had read the article in the Enterprise. She had written my name on the envelope and then she wrote "mother of Rachel Vidor tx and that's it.Well I got it!I got the letter.I'm sure going to church with the lady who is over the post office was a huge help,I guess that being a small town helped too,anyway ,it just amazed me.The card was beautiful.She wrote a letter on the card to me also.It was such a beautifully written card.She had wrote"God in His Almighty Graciousness strengthened you in your greatest time of need through spiritual song".I can't tell you how many times I read that card.I needed so badly to put a face to that card.I needed that lady to know I got it, it helped me.I tried to find her phone number, not there.I "googled" her address and found her street.Several times I tried to go but I would hear the voice say not yet.This morning I before I knew it , I was sitting in her driveway.When I knocked on the door I said who I was and the lady said hold on that was my daughter.The sweetest face came smiling into the room.I told her who I was and could barely speak, and I just hugged her.It didn't feel like hugging a stranger.I knew this woman.Sister V. I knew her heart. We sat and talked.It was such a relief to see that sweet face.It was so easy to be there.Their home had such a peacefulness about it.They were getting ready for bible study that morning,but Sister V made time for me.We connected in a lot of ways.I needed her to know all about Rach , and all about the funeral and well...everything.She and her mother both shared with me stories that confirmed even more what I already knew.We serve a very powerful,compassionate God.I asked if I could take her picture and she agreed.I said I would not use her name,I would call her Mrs.V,she said people call her Sister V.I told her that was what we called Rach...sister.My sister always called her sister.I will talk to Sister V again.I asked her to read my blog so she could know more about me and about my beautiful Rachel.Sister V radiates peace.The scripture in the card says=
The Lord is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all He has made .psalm 145:13.
It reminds me of the song Michelle sang as the invitation at the funeral

God's still faithful.
In the midst of it all He's faithful.
When the earth beneath your feet
gives way in defeat He's faithful.
When its just too much for you
and you don't know what to do
God will carry you through.
When hope is all gone
and you've no strength to hold on
God's still faithful.

God is still carrying me through.
With the help of compassionate people like Sister V.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Lord I give you me

Tonight we had a member of our church give her testimony.She shared how God has been working in her life since the tragic death of her husband in a plane crash a year ago.She has been such a source of inspiration to me .She has helped lead me through this thick fog of sorrow.She sends me cards and messages that remind me I'm not alone.Tonight before she spoke, I had the privilege of playing the electric drums with a small group of us from MBC.The song that was sang was called "Lord I give you me".This song had been placed in my friends life during her grief. I had never heard it before this week,but it was like it was already in my heart just waiting to be sung,or banged out on some drums. I brought the silver bracelet that was found in Rachs car with the verse from Revelation 21:4 engraved on it.I hung it on the drums. I played them for her.I wasn't singing the song ,but I look at it like I was the heartbeat of the song....Carrying her heart in the song.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."rev 21:4

Lord, I give You me
I give You my all
I hold nothing back
I'm answering Your call
Though I live or die
Your glory is my life
my royal destiny

Lord, I give You me

Lord, I give You me
It may not look like much
I know that I need change
I know I need Your touch
Take me as I am
Place me in Your plan
That's where I want to be

Lord, I give You me
Lord, with every breath
I'll worship You in life
I'll worship You in death
I lay down my heart, It's all I have to give
As long as I live

Lord, I give You me

Friday, November 6, 2009

I know why the caged bird sings

This week was a very long,hard week.I didn't anticipate being so low after having such a wonderful Sunday.Grief is very unpredictable.Sometimes I can hear a song, no problem.The same song different day,HUGE reaction.I can feel my emotions begin to change.I can feel them welling up inside of me.I had an awful migraine on Thursday and I think my consuming all the chocolate out of the candy bowl didn't help.But Thursday was one of the hardest days I've had.I woke up in tears.I went to Rachels' garden after I dropped the girls off at school.I cried the whole way there.I miss so many things about her.We spent a lot of time together in the car.Music was always a huge part of our life.We sang together.I was Faith she was Tim.I was Jon Bon Jovi she was my Richie Sambora.Whatever song was on= it was an unspoken between us.It just happened.I feel the need to sing now more than ever.I feel in some way like she expects me too.I was thinking about something I heard Mya Angelou say about the poem"I know why the caged bird sings".She said- it has too..That's how I feel.

"I know why the caged bird sings..

It's not a carol of joy or glee,
but a prayer that it sends from its heart's deep core,
a plea that upward to heaven it flings.
I know why the caged bird sings. "

Thursday about 7pm I went to church to "sing".I left with a headache ,I came home with a smile and a song in my heart.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Star light Star bright

I lost my 19 year old daughter on September 17,2009 in a car wreck right at the end of our road.Her birthday was on November 1.We had a ballon release and a wonderful day of celebration.This is the miracle that I believe took place that night.
I haven't updated in a couple of days ,because I wanted everyone to be sure and see the video from Sunday.It was such a beautiful day.Every part of it was just spectacular.Throughout this whole time God has been with us. He has shown me things that some might just say is coincidence.I say it is peace.Peace within the midst of the storm.I have debated on whether or not to share this part with you.I don't want my words to minimize the power of what God can do .1 Peter chapter 3 about verse 15 says "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."I will try with the greatest of respect to share this moment.Open your hearts and listen...
On Sunday night after everyone had left,I stepped out on the back porch to just take a breath and be alone in my thoughts.It was a beautiful night ,I could see airplanes,3 of them, staggered in the sky.I thought it was weird because I had never realized you could see them so clearly," hmmm red lights on them too, not just white", I thought.I stared up into the sky and looked at the stars,and began to talk to
God, something I do a lot.I thanked him for the day,the beautiful day.I thanked him for Rachel.When I said her name my next sentence I said out loud "I know where you are" and then I said "And I know you're with me".At that very moment, as soon as the words were said ,this star right at the top of my sight ever so slightly glimmered and then began to gently fall.It fell only for a few seconds,glimmered again,and then faded out.Okay,I knew it wasn't a plane,God showed me very clearly what a plane looked like, remember???I needed 3 of them .Its like God said "show her a plane so she'll get this".I so got it. I dropped to my knees and just cried.I am so thankful for each and every thing that God has done for me.I want so badly for God to be this real for you too.Close your eyes and let your mind see what I saw.Let it be real to you.It was beyond beautiful.
This is my prayer for you=
"When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope" (Ephesians 3:14-20 NLT)
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Sunday, November 1, 2009

Rachs Birthday

The boots

When Rachel was in Jr. high I bought her a pair of black boots for her birthday.They were the knee-hi patent leather, she loved them.It started a new tradition.On her birthday I would buy her new boots.She called them her "hooker" boots.If you knew Rach , you know she loved her boots.Well this year I took her little sisters to get new boots for Rachs birthday.Kennedy found some that looked like some Rach had.Kaitlin ,who is the 6 yr old,picked out a pair made by the company"RACHEL".They have her name on the box and on the inside of the boot.And of course the heart.Somethings just absolutley blow me away.Kennedy and I had a little "moment" in the store, but KK just smiled.She knew what she had.She is so wise beyond her years.Today at 2pm we will go to Rachs school and release balloons.Its a beautiful day, for a beautiful girl.