Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Friday, December 31, 2010

The New Year

Well since the neighbors spent their entire paycheck on fireworks, I won't be going to bed anytime soon. I have been going back through last December and January's blogs. I was 4 months into my journey. It seems so long ago. It was such a very hard time for me. So many other tragic things had happened. And here we are again...I went to Rachels facebook looking for the first picture she posted for the New Year in 2009. I found this photo.

I have been through her pictures dozens of times, but I don't remember seeing this one. She has her headset on from when she worked at the Channel 12. She loved that job. I always told her she needed to be in FRONT of the camera, not behind it. Look at that beautiful face. When I took her to get her senior pictures made, the lady that was doing her "photo shop magic" told her that she had almost perfect skin. Girls at school would take their finger and rub Rachels face trying to rub her makeup off to see her "real" skin..that was her real skin. Oh how I miss that girl. I only have 2 more days and then the kids will be back in school and the house will be quiet during the day. I am wondering if maybe I should get a part time job. I still have days where I wake up and I am crying before I even have my eyes all the way open. I don't know if having to go somewhere would be a help or a hinderance.'s officially the new year. I'm not going to make any promises for this year, or any resolutions. I am only going to continue to trust God that He has a plan for me. There is a quote on Rachels facebook that I hear in my head all the time.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

This is my New Years post...

I am the new Year.I am an unspoiled page in your book of time.

I am your next chance at the art of living. I am your opportunity to practice what you have learned about life during the last twelve months.

All that you sought and didn’t find is hidden in me, waiting for you to search it but with more determination.

All the good that you tried for and didn’t achieve is mine to grant when you have fewer conflicting desires.

All that you dreamed but didn’t dare to do, all that you hoped but did not will, all the faith that you claimed but did not have—these slumber lightly, waiting to be awakened by the touch of a strong purpose.

I am your opportunity to renew your allegiance to Him who said, "Behold, I make all things new."

Thursday, December 30, 2010

One of the first things I heard on the t.v. this morning was about a really bad wreck last night involving 2 trucks right down the road from where Rachels wreck was. My son drives a truck, and he drives that stretch of road a lot. I kept telling myself if it was him, someone would have came to my guts kept telling me something was up.I texted Rob and asked where he was..He called me immediately. It was two of his good friends in the wreck. One was ejected from the truck. One of my friends from church..her husband ..was the first one on the scene. He pulled Robs other friend out of the truck, and 30 seconds later it was engulfed in flames. A young boy, too young, was driving drunk and ran a red light and hit them. My heart has been in my throat all day. My son could have very easily been with those boys. He showed me the text on his phone where he had been talking to one of the boys right before the accident. My son told them to be careful.. I have been frozen today by this news.It has consumed my thoughts, and kept me from doing even the simplest of things. I have thought about Rachels wreck constantly. I am thankful that I did not have to endure the pain that these families are struggling with.My baby did not suffer.I thank God for that all the time. He was so good to me .He made sure that I knew that Rachel knew how much I loved her before she went home.It was not left unsaid.She knew the very words that are the inspiration for the title of this blog. Carrying her heart is not a burden, it is an honor and a priviledge... And I am honored that you come and sit with me, and read my words.
yes ,I have posted a lot of lyrics to songs lately..God speaks to me often through the words of a song..(remember he gave me a song right before Rachels wreck).

Teach me to number my days
And count every moment before it slips away
Taking all the colors before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

When it's all said and done
No one remembers how far we have run
The only thing that matters is how we have loved
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

please pray for Drew and Trey..and have a safe New Years Eve.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Wet Wednesday

It was all for me. We had an awful downpour tonight that kept most of my class(and the rest of our congregation) from coming to church. I did share very honestly how the lesson had spoke to me, and we had a very good discussion time. But I feel in my heart that this week was just for me. One of the other ladies shared a very hard time she was going through right now and how she had done one of the exercises in our book before she had read about it. She had prayed for a hedge of protection for a member of her family. Another lady stated how God's timing is always so perfect. This study had been written years ago, but right now it is meeting our needs. I am really enjoying spending time with women in the church that I rarely get to see. Part of me was relieved that class was small, and part of me was disappointed . I just want the ladies , and everyone else, to know NOW what I know. Don't wait until you are in deep despair to cry out to Jesus. Cry out now, and have the peace of knowing that no matter what comes, He's gonna be right there, He's gonna take care of you, its gonna be OK.

"There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary
And love for the broken hearts
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are"

Cry out to Jesus
I love this song..

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My Ascent

I gathered my books last night to study for my Beth Moore class. She tells us to take our places on our faces before we start. I did. There are times when I feel that I can't get low enough to pray. I asked God to show me what he wanted me to hear.To really open my eyes. As soon as I started reading this weeks lesson, I knew it was going to be hard. I had said in the beginning if this class was only for me, then I was willing to lead it. This lesson was written for me. It read like it was written TO me. I struggled to keep reading it, but I knew that I needed to. I could hear part of myself saying, stop...just stop..someone else can do it.But I know that God's timing is always right. I kept reading, and I kept studying. The first part that I read that signaled "trouble" for me was in the Leader guide, number 5 ...I'll type it verbatim for you..
5. Invite other women to share a story if they chose to do so.Then ask for other circumstances when women may despair because of difficult situations(such as loss of spouse , child, .... this is where I lost it.
I wonder who I could ask to share??? Really? Was this really what was going to happen? I've said it all.They all know my story.This is what flooded my mind. I sat the book down and told myself I couldn't do it. And then I picked up the study book and just started reading.
The lesson was on Psalm 125.
A song of ascents.
1 Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,
which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
2 As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the LORD surrounds his people
both now and forevermore.

3 The scepter of the wicked will not remain
over the land allotted to the righteous,
for then the righteous might use
their hands to do evil.

4 LORD, do good to those who are good,
to those who are upright in heart.
5 But those who turn to crooked ways
the LORD will banish with the evildoers.

Peace be on Israel.

We take them verse by verse and come to a deeper understanding of each line.The question was " how can we say God has been good to us when He has allowed us to encounter trouble and sorrow.? and here is what I read in the study book.....
" What about when something deadly happens such as when we lost loved ones who loved God? Where was God's surrounding presence then? That's where the ultimate trust enters in. If we believe God's words are true,when tragedy strikes we've got to believe God has us so tightly interwoven in His care that we are instantaneously swept to Heaven.God never more closely surrounds us that when He lifts us to His breast and carries us home......." INSTANTANEOUSLY......the one word I needed to hear , the only word I remember on the autopsy report...this part has tortured me more that anyone has ever or will ever know. I went through a season of hearing her scream MOM and hearing the sound of the crash.. I even wrote a song about it..and then God took that pain away from me. Given everything that I know from that day, I have no doubt that this sentence is true for me. Wednesday will be here sooner that I would like. There will be no cute "story" to go together with our lesson.There will just be me.
The next part of the study went to Psalm 126 Psalm 126
A song of ascents.
1 When the LORD restored the fortunes of[a] Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.[b]
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes,[c] LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
6 Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.

the last 2 verses are my favorites.
This lesson is for me. The last words of the book that I read were
" On this mysterious pilgrimage we will find that when we do meet difficulties and sorrows,they were not meant to stop us but to form the character required for our great harvest in the coming season. STEP INTO YOUR FUTURE,PRECIOUS ONE. SOMETHING WONDERFUL AWAITS YOU.

Wonderful Wednesday awaits....

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Looking Through The Glass

I've spent the past couple of days shopping REALLY hard trying to piece together a Christmas for the kids. Robin and Dakota really never presented much of a list this year, but I did want Christmas to be special for them . I didn't enjoy shopping this year at all. Everything reminded me of Rach.Things in the store, music on the radio, and way too many young girls her age everywhere I went. They looked like her, they dressed like was hard to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing because I just wanted to watch them..I wanted to hear their conversations...I wanted to know what they wanted for Christmas.. For some reason ,this Christmas seemed harder for all of us than last year. The little girls seemed to be ok, which eases my pain a little. I just don't see things ever being any different than they are for me. Being around others at parties, seeing all the Christmas stuff everywhere, it almost feels like I'm holding a beautiful snow globe with the perfect Christmas scene in it. I can see it, I can hear it...I can be right there by it...but I can't be a part of it.I can't be all the way in is there, it is going on..and I'm going on too...going through the motions, wanting it all to be wonderful for the kids..and all the while I'm thinking of Rach..I have every picture of every time I took her to see Santa.. the images kept rolling through my head . Every thing we did, I could see her doing it...opening presents...fixing her plate..she loved parties so much...coming in the living room on Christmas morning(sniffing constantly)...her hair a big mess...People say that it gets easier...for others I see that is has..I just don't see it being any different for me. I will always miss her greatly...I will always love her..and I will always think of her...maybe I will find way to make the other parts of Christmas easier, but this will just be how my life is. There were small glimpses of the Holiday that I was able to enjoy, and then there were those moments when I would just sit and silently scream because the pain of missing her was so great.Tonight was the last night for the Christmas lights that we go and see at the church by our house.We have went several times this year..and I'm pretty sure that at some point,I cried every time...While we were there tonight they played the song "Mary did you know"..Kaitlin was standing up behind me in the car and she said I'm gonna sing this one for ya'll.The child has no idea how well she sings. It reminded me of Rach was beautiful..(even the words she got wrong)..I am hoping this coming week to be able to just be still. I haven't done much of that lately.

Psalm 46:10 / Zec. 2:13
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the prince of Peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still
Be speechless
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rhythm of
His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still
Be still

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I Ain't Scared

I purposely left part of my live nativity post out. I didn't want it to get lost in my tired ramblings. I do all the things that I do at my church in hopes that it will stay with these kids , stay deep in their hearts and that they will have these memories to help them through Christmas' to come.I want them to know the true meaning of Christmas.I remember every Christmas how we would go to this mans house in town and look at his HUGE nativity that he set out every year. I remember looking up in his tree and seeing these beautiful angels flying. It was just all so beautiful.Even now I can see it like it was just last year.... How could a little girl ever forget riding in on a donkey?.That is something that those kids and their grandpaw will be able to talk about for years to come( he had the donkey and the sheep)..After every practice I would gather the kids together and we would pray for our program. I want also want them to grow in their prayer life. Well,Sunday night as I was running around like I was the chicken, my little KK came up to me and said " I'M NOT SCARED ANYMORE , ME AND KHLOIE PRAYED.....TWICE"....number one , I didn't realize she was scared...she and her friend were the first to go out in the program...I was going to gather everyone to pray, I just was finishing a few last minute me this was the best part of the night. Oh that we all could say those words..I'm not scared ...I prayed... twice..maybe that is how I will start my day..

How silently, how silently, the wondrous Gift is giv'n;
So God imparts to human hearts the blessings of His Heav'n.
No ear may hear His coming, but in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive Him still, the dear Christ enters in.

O holy Child of Bethlehem, descend to us, we pray;
Cast out our sin, and enter in, be born in us today.
We hear the Christmas angels the great glad tidings tell;
O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!

From "O Little Town of Bethlehem," by Philip Brooks

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Baby Changes Everything

I said last week that the week was a was slow motion compared to this past week. Kennedy came down with this awful stomach virus that is going around and kept it until Saturday morning, so that meant I had to be home with her.That also meant no shopping, no getting ready for our live nativity at other kids getting sick and dropping out of the program..and everything I tried to do turned in to a big pile of poo...but all came 6:00 pm...right when it was supposed to start..The chicken was great.The goat did his part perfectly.The donkey didn't be what his other name is..and the kids were terrific. There were no speaking parts,they just did a dramatic reenactment, and we played handbells to songs that told the story of Jesus's birth, the little baby who changed life. It has been said that when a wrong wants righting, or a truth wants presenting, or a continent wants opening, God sends a baby into the world to do it. People may think that the course of the world is ultimately determined by big battalions or decisive battles , but all the while God is setting it, quietly, in littleness and in weakness, through the birth of a child. I know my life has been changed greatly by His birth, and by the birth of my own children.... Little did I know what that sweet little girl that so quietly came into my life on November 1, 1989 would do for me, and so many others....

My whole life has turned around
I was lost but now I'm found
A baby changes everything.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Sunday Night Singing

Between Christmas shopping and all of my Church obligations, this past week has been a blur.Our praise band played tonight during the evening service. I played the drums and even sang a solo. I sang a song called Heavens Child. I had sang it before at the church my husband and his family go to. I was more nervous singing tonight than I was when I sang on Rachs birthday..we had many obstacles to overcome to be able to even perform..everyone was so busy so practicing was almost just seemed like every part of what we were doing was coming "undone"..the night turned out to be wonderful. I really enjoy playing. I was also part of a trio that sang Emmanuel. We did it acapella. That was the closing song. Nervous...much!!!!! It came together really well. I had one person tell me it brought a tear to their eye.( from this person that was HUGE). We also had someone request us to sing it again Sunday morning..Inside I was thinking about how very hard it was just to do it tonight..all during our practices we could never get the ending right. God can do amazing things. The fact that I am able to stand and sing alone is amazing. I know people don't understand, and there is no way for them to make them understand. Sometimes when I hear myself in the speaker, I can hardly believe it's me singing.I just know that I have been given a voice.Not a perfect voice, but a voice to sing with, and to tell my story with. And as long as God is giving me the ability to do it, I'm going to keep on doing it. There are days when I still feel the same overwhelming sadness. But even on those dark and sad days I still know that when I see the sun shining again it will be brighter than always is. If you've never been through anything that split your heart so wide open and paralyzed your every thought, then you have the luxury of only imagining what I am talking about. My pain has been immeasurable..but so has my God's love for me. Here are the words to my song. If you would rather hear it, there is a video. Heavens child..

She rocked her tiny baby
To warm him from the cold
Hardly what she pictured
In the prophecies of old
It seemed almost impossible
To think it could be true
But as she pondered in her heart
She knew

This was heaven's child
This was heaven's child
In an earthen stable
Wrapped in Glory, meek and mild
Joseph wept with wonder
As Mary sweetly smiled
Because they knew
This was heaven's child

Verse 2
The angels must have missed Him
As they sang Him to sleep
But they marveled at the promises
This baby came to keep
His Father must have felt at once
Great sadness and great joy
As He watched His little baby boy


Mary's little baby boy
Was Joseph's pride and joy
Still they wished the world would see
He was so much more

Chorus 2
He was heaven's child
He was heaven's child
In an earthen stable
Wrapped in glory, meek and mild
Joseph wept with wonder
As Mary sweetly smiled
Because they knew
This was heaven's child

Because they knew
This was heaven's child

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
eph 3:14

Sunday, December 5, 2010


I decided that it was time to rid my bedroom of some of the stacks of things that I had been clinging to.I was going to sort through papers, books, all the things I have accumulated over the months. I was going to make an office kinda area in the "pretty" room. While I was going through some things I found a Bible. It of course was Rachels.I think she had about 5 Bibles. This one I hadn't seen in a long time.

I picked it up and was flipping through the pages. I was hoping to find a note , or something that was Rachs.I noticed in the front some stickers she had placed inside.

I kept going through the pages wanting so badly to find just one more thing that was hers. There was nothing ...As the days go by , you begin to wish more and more for just one more thing.One more thing that she more thing that was special to more thing I can touch..I turned the pages to her favorite verse..

I wasn't surprised to see it underlined. I was caught off guard by how she had REALLY emphasized LOVE NEVER FAILS. It was one of those moments that I really do not have the right words for. My mind immediately went to the angel..

When I was ordering the headstone, I struggled (I'm sure you all remember) with what to have written on it.I needed it to be perfect. I remember at the last minute asking them if they could put Love Never Fails on the base..I almost didn't do it..]
When I saw it in underlined in Rachs Bible, it all made sense.I have put LOVE NEVER FAILS on so many so many videos.. It felt like a huge hug from her. Oh I hope you get this..I hope you understand..Maybe unless you've been here you really can't. It is not desperation. It is a deeper understanding. It is knowing that you know that you know..and I know...


Friday, December 3, 2010

Steppin Up

This week was extremely busy. I had been asked to lead a Beth Moore bible study "Stepping Up " at our church for ALL the ladies . I said yes without any hesitation. The day I had been asked to lead it , I had spent the morning thinking and praying about that very thing. I LOVE working with the kids, but I had just been feeling that maybe that wasn't all I was supposed to be doing. I just wanted to be sure my insecurities were not keeping me from doing what God wanted me to do. While I was at my seminary class, our Minister of education pulled the Beth Moore book out and was telling me about this new class for all the ladies to attend. I thought he was going to tell me that the preacher and he wanted me to attend it.No he said " we want you to lead it".I said very loudly -NO YOU DON'T.I told him about my morning. I couldn't believe how quickly God had given me an answer..I said yes I would love to do it...quick answer huh? I was nervous about teaching all the women...the older ladies...most of whom I have a very good relationship with. They always encourage me and do whatever I ask them to do if I need help me with the childrens stuff. I just wanted the ladies to be willing to trust me to follow what I was going to lead them to do. I trust God more now than I ever did before. I am confident that if I show up and shut up, He'll take care of the rest..I think the way Beth Moore summed up insecurities is is just a form of pride. But the truth is we're not good enough to mess God up...did you get it? I just love that. He doesn't make mistakes. The first night of the class went pretty good.I told myself that if this Bible study makes a difference in only 1 persons life, I will be thrilled....even if that 1 is me..The study is on The Psalms of the Ascent. We talked about "pilgrimage",and being on a journey. I opened the class by sharing my "baggage".I opened my suitcase and pulled out my lactose pills, my heart pills, my allergy meds, and empty candy bags...I have a serious candy addiction....serious...then it got real..I pulled out Rachels letterman jacket..It has her name on the back of it. I told them every day no matter where I was going , I put on my coat of grief..some days it felt lighter , some days heavier , but I put it on everyday. And then I pulled out my black "guilt" t shirt. guilt covered a lot of areas..mommy guilt, wife guilt, doing things I shouldn't have done...etc...and I had some lovely shoes that went with the outfit..cinder blocks.. I chose to carry all that baggage on my journey.I don't have to. It felt really good to be able to pull that jacket out and hear myself say those words and not fall to pieces. I think that just my standing upright in front of them is a great demonstration of God's strength. I pray that their heart and their eyes are open to see what God is doing through me. If this class is only for help in healing me..I can accept that. But I believe that something amazing is going to happen in this class. It has too. Or else it is just another step to get me ready for something.There has to be a reason that I have went through this..there just has to be.

Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have. 2 cor 8:11 -12