Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Monday, April 16, 2012

From Rachel

Since last weekend I have been holding on to this post. I was finally getting around to clearing some things off of my dresser, and when I went to put them away I caught a glimpse of this old music book. It came with a keyboard we purchased a looong time ago.I thought it might have a song or too that KK could play on her piano.( she has recently started taking lessons..but..that's another post) As I thumbed through the pages I came across this

Rachels hearts. It took my breath. This gem had been hiding in my closet storage drawer. I went through all the pages looking for , ANYTHING else. Remember this is right around the time I lost access to her facebook . I closed the book ,and my eyes, as I tried to save the image in my mind. When I opened them , my eyes found this on the front cover.

If you click on the photo it will make it bigger..It says From Rachel Clark , and of course there are more hearts. When I had taken the book out of the drawer, it was upside down, so I never saw the front.. until then . But I'm so glad that when I needed them most , they were there.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
psalm 37:4

"Words can't Say what Love can do.
I'll be there for you"

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Happiness is like a butterfly

As if getting through Easter by itself isn't hard enough, I was thrown into a huge pit thanks to Facebook on Friday night. Due to her page being inactive, they deleted my daughters account. I assumed that others writing on her wall would be enough to keep it going. I was wrong. I did have the option to memorialize her page , but then no one could have written on it. That was the reason I stayed on facebook. I loved to read the sweet messages her friends would go and write. And now, its all gone. The photos, everything.. I must have clicked on her link 20 times trying to see it.. I just couldn't believe that is was gone. Rach was gone. I did at least copy most of her pictures into my computer. I just wish I had printed out some of her friends post. Its going to take some time to work this part out. But God is so good ! He has filled my yard with hope.

I have about 20 monarch caterpillars grazing on my milkweed plant. My girls are as excited as I am ! I have never had a "real " caterpillar in my yard, so having the opportunity to watch that many miracles is amazing. I carefully brought some inside and put them in an aquarium to see if they will make a chrysalis. I have wrote on here many times about butterflies and how special they are to me. What a beautiful reminder of Jesus' resurrection too. I tried to hold on to all the verses and promises that I knew to help me get through the long hard weekend. My mind always goes back to Jesus and Lazarus. When Martha is talking to Jesus and tells Him if he would have been there, her brother would not have died. And then she hints for Him to ask God to raise Lazarus. Jesus tells her " your brother will rise again". and Martha says " I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day". Jesus says to her
(John 11 21-25)
My family is always there with a hug, or to just BE there with me. I also kept the words to my favorite Easter song in my heart.
Arise my love.
My niece always sang this song at our church . She would sing it at our sunrise service too. This song was also sang at our church by one of my dear friends in the Sunday morning service the day of Rachels funeral. It was already on the schedule for her to sing it, and God gave her the strength to perform it.

Arise, my love.
Arise, my love.
The grave no longer has a hold on you.
No more death sting no more suffering

. ...Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder. - Henry David Thoreau

Thursday, April 5, 2012

High and lifted up

So the day after I post about my torment at the fair, I get an email from Kennedy's coach saying that she found a coach that will work with her on learning how to pole vault. Great! because that's not a dangerous sport...right ?????? God sure has a way of instantly putting me in situations that require a new level of trust. Kennedy has talked about wanting to pole vault since the beginning of track season, but had not even touched a pole...until last Sunday. We met the coaches at the high school and I tried to look normal. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be(for now). I watched as my daughter grabbed her pole and took off. She loved it! In no time she was inches from clearing the first bar height. She was even bold enough to attempt it in the track meet this week. I still have little twinges of uncertainty when I watch, but , when she turns and smiles and says " I love doing this" ..well ..that's good enough for me. I am so thankful for all the ways God uses my children to help me continue to learn how to live .

Sometimes I wonder if I'd ever make it through
Through this world without having you, I just wouldn't have a clue
'Cuz sometimes it seems like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free, and then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up, I wanna give in, I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby, and everything's alright, everything's alright

When I see you smile, I can face the world, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile, I see a ray of light,
I see it shining right thru the rain
When I see you smile, baby when I see you smile at me