Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

lilies and love

God is so good . This day ... this 17th day of September...I can say Thank you Lord.
You see, He didn't make me wait , or wonder what was going to happen..
Yesterday I had the privilege of leading Rachel's little sister Kaitlin in the sinners prayer.
We had went to Kroger's to buy some of mine and Rachels favorite flowers, calla lilies and stargazer lilies, and right as I was looking through them to find the ones with the most blooms, that precious child looks at me and says " I want to say that prayer and ask Jesus to save me". I said "well, let's go check out". Once we were in the car I talked to KK about her request. I wanted it to be very special for her. I asked her if she wanted to go talk to our preacher , or our children's minister( who has a little girl almost the same age )..As a person who has served in the children's ministry for several years, I have had the opportunity to share Christ with many children. This time..this timing ...seemed overwhelming.
But my child ,who has always done everything on her time, said very boldly " I WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW". I talked with her about Jesus 's death , ...and sin..our sin. She has been with me in classes at church so I knew she had heard the message many times... I just wanted to be sure she understood and that she believed. - So KK, Kennedy, and myself held hands in a circle around the lilies and I led her through the prayer. It was so precious. What a gift not just to know that your child is saved, but to have the privilege of sharing the plan of salvation with them . I talk a lot about God on this blog..not religion...God. I can't imagine having to walk this journey without knowing what I know. ...without having all the promises that I find in Gods word to cling too..Maybe you come here out of curiosity. Maybe you read my blog to try to understand..Maybe you need hope. Maybe you need forgiveness. Don't wait another minute.

Dear Father God in heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus. I am a sinner, and I am very sorry for my sins and the life that I have lived. I need your help and forgiveness God.
I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross and shed His precious blood for my sins.
You said in Your Holy Word, Romans 10:9 that if we confess the Lord our God and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead, we shall be saved.
Right now I confess Jesus as the Lord of my soul. With my heart, I believe that God raised Jesus from the dead. This very moment I accept Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior and according to His Word, right now I am saved.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me and giving me everlasting life.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him
shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

I heard this song the other day and remembered aggravating Rachel every time it came on. I would sing off key and make fun of how the guy sang it. When it started playing, I remembered her saying.." Mom! stop ! I just wish you would listen to it.Just listen to it".....

Holding on

I went to town yesterday with the hope of finding something special to put out at Rachels garden. I went to several big name chain stores and found nothing. The flowers were the same..nothing in any of the stores stood out, or moved me. It was just stuff. I finally made a purchase. 7 green calla lilies and 3 white hydrangeas. Done .
I already had some beautiful white roses that my sister had given me so the flower part was taken care of. I just needed something else. As I was getting the flowers ready , I pulled a green butterfly out of another arrangement and then turned and found exactly what I needed.

This beautiful angel hugging a heart. It is from the tree that we keep up year round in the pretty room. We put all our "special" ornaments on it. As soon as I saw it I heard myself was right here the whole time.
I went that afternoon to the cemetary. I thought some friends might go on Sunday since the 17th falls on a Monday. I just wanted(needed) to have everything ready .
I dont have any plans for the day. I dont usually do anything special on that day. I prefer to celebrate her life.
I want that day to be whatever God has planned for it to be. He took control of that day 3 years ago. And I mean that with the utmost reverence.

If you've knelt beside the rubble of an aching, broken heart
When the things you gave your life to fell apart
You're not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief, or pain
But the Master promised sunshine after rain

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning
Weeping only lasts for the night
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight

Thursday, September 13, 2012


Today is finally here. The first game of volleyball!!!!!! Kennedy has been waiting since the last game of 7th grade. She has also worried about what number she will be. Last year they didn't get to pick their numbers, so she had number 16. This year it is their choice. She wanted the number 17. She does not let that number paralyze her, it drives her. I could tell it was really stressing her out, so I suggested she go talk to the coach and ask her if there was anyway she could be 17. Her coach knows why. I had the conversation with her last year when I had to see if Kennedy could wear a stamp on her arm in memory of Rach. I was so proud of Kennedy . I told her that either way it would be OK. I don't want her to think that things will always go her way. Sometimes you just have to follow the rules and figure out another way. Her coach was so awesome. She told her absolutely she could be 17. She told her she would've done it last year if she would have asked.( I don't think I was ready tho) .
So 17 is the number. And she has not one but 3 Belle stamps on. If you are new to the blog .,.Belle was from Rachel's favorite movie ,Beauty and the Beast.
I hope this season is everything my daughter needs it to be. She has so much family and friends that come to cheer her on. I hope that she always knows how very loved she is. And how much she inspires me.. daily.

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero,
I am strong and wise,
And I know no fear,
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes, Everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace,
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my daughter's eyes.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

In September

I have been thinking constantly about my dream. Not trying to analyze or interpret it, just wanting to remember every part of it. The feeling I had was what was so powerful. When I was looking at Rachel it was like I was in the presence of someone very accomplished. ...but not like a was just an amazing feeling. I wasn't sad..I didn't see her as my little girl ..its hard to explain.
Right after I posted about the dream, I did a search about songs that talk about September. This was the same day, just minutes after I hit "publish". The very first song I click ..I read this

I called to tell you that I miss you
And I want to be there with you
I guess there are some things I can't control
So, don't wait up for me I'll see you when you sleep
It's so hard to have to leave
When I was so close to coming home

If you dream Then dream of me
It may break your heart You'll be alright
Cos, I'll be waiting for you And I will see you soon...
So don't forget me come tomorrow
At least I'm not one of those Who never got the chance to say goodbye
It's so hard to end like this With only words to say the things
That I could never say In a thousand lifetimes...

If you dream Then dream of me
It may break your heart You'll be alright Cos,
I'll be waiting for you And I will see you soon...

I've been trying to find the song online...and I can't find it anywhere. The band that sings it has a Facebook page but no other info.

The name of the song is
In September.

Daniel 2:28 ESV

But there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries......

This week is going by so fast . I will blink and it will be Monday. And my God in heaven will be there.

Friday, September 7, 2012

A different kind of September

So much has happened since I last posted. God has been so good to me. There have been two more precious lives that have been taken, and I have been wrestling with my own grief and wanting this September to be will be.
I have been awake since 3:37 . I know because I looked at my clock as soon as I woke up.
I guess I should say bolted up.
I had a Rachel dream. I have only had a few . This one was so precious. It was only a piece of a dream so it will be hard for me to explain it all to you.
I was at my parents house with the girls. We were upstairs talking to them . I say them because I really can't remember which one it was. It felt like it was both of them , but I could only see one child. It was at night and it was kinda dark in the house. I could hear my mom talking. I don't remember all of it but she kept saying "Rachel" in her sentences. Rachel loves you...Rach is always with us.. I remember walking down the stairs and stopping and thinking " I'm gonna see if she shows up"...weird huh.?
Well guess who came walking out of nowhere!!!!! Not from a door or was just a really dark area and she was there. She had on her usual...T-shirt and some jeans. Her hair was pulled up ...and not a spec of makeup. GORGEOUS!!!! She sat down beside her sister (no one else saw her) and put her arm around her. I was talking to myself ...I was hearing my thoughts. I was so excited ..I crouched down on the stairs to watch. .I was saying I'm gonna keep staring at her and see if she sees me . You know how you stare at someone when you want their attention ???? (The whole time I am noticing every detail about her.) She looked over at me and smiled ....She sees me!!!!!!!!! Wow her teeth her white!!!! They are perfect and so white,. She waves at me with Both of her arms. I felt it necessary in my dream to note that. Then she put then both on her chest like they do in the movies for a dramatic effect and looked at me like Oh I love you so much .. and then with both hands she blew me a kiss. And mouthed I love you to me. I kept saying I see you ...I see you. It was magnificent. So beautiful.
I woke up immediately and was in panic mode. I felt like something was wrong ..I immediately started praying for our two sons who are both living out of town now...because I didn't know what was the matter. Then I remembered the dream. That's why I was so excited . It wasn't panic. And I just laid there going over it again and again . Afraid to go back to sleep in case I forgot any part of it.
She waved with both her arms .
And then I remembered my song that my sweet friend sang for me at Rachel funeral....
(Yes I know I posted this song last year on Sept will always be with me)
This September will be different...and I pray that I am too.
**** I just remembered ******
The last thing we were doing before I put the girls to bed was trying to find a shirt for KK to wear with our school team on it. Hers from last year was way to small. All of Kennedy's were huge. I went and pulled out Rachel's "pirate" T-shirt that Kennedy wore last year. Kks face beamed when she saw it. She knew ..she said ... yes !! I ll wear it tomorrow !!! We all just stood there not saying what we all were feeling, ...just smiling and nodding in agreement.. getting to wear the shirt...Huge step. And doing it with a smile. So of course Rach was on my mind when I drifted off to sleep.

I wonder if this was the T-shirt she had on in my dream??????

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 1 cor. 15:51

When I think back On these times And the dreams We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get To have you in my life
When I look back On these days I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar Above the sky
In my heart There will always be a place For you for all my life
I'll keep a part Of you with me
And everywhere I am There you'll be
And everywhere I am There you'll be

Well you showed me How it feels To feel the sky Within my reach
And I always Will remember all The strength you Gave to me
Your love made me Make it through Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

'Cause I always saw in you My light, my strength
And I want to thank you Now for all the ways
You were right there for me You were right there for me For always

In my dreams I'll always see you soar Above the sky
In my heart There will always be a place For you for all my life
I'll keep a part Of you with me
And everywhere I am There you'll be And everywhere I am There you'll be
There you'll be