Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Climbing my mountains

Thursday while I was waiting at the gate to pick KK up from school, I noticed this little girl who was around a year old playing on these concrete bricks. She was so excited.She was trying so hard to climb up on them.Her mom was such a great cheerleader for her too. It was clear that this little angel was just experiencing the feeling of climbing and a lot of other things. Everything she saw and touched was with fresh eyes. An acorn, a blade of grass, and even a stick all seemed to be something amazing when she was looking at it. I watched her as she finally made it to the top of these bricks.She sat down and smiled this huge smile while her mommy clapped for her. She made it look so fun I almost wanted to go over there and sit down too!!! And then I started many times a day do we conquer mountains that may seem like no big deal to someone else? Have we just gotten so caught up in the busyness of life that we just cant stop and smile and say " Thank you Lord , we did it" . It might not be a big deal to anyone else but you ... and to God. Maybe if we looked at things with fresh eyes we could see the excitement in doing them, and then be able to smile in the victory. Maybe if we acknowledge God in all the little things He helps us climb, when the really big mountains are in front of us ..we won't be so quick to forget He is with us.

please take a moment and listen to this song

Monday, February 20, 2012

Beyond the sunset

(OK...I lost a couple of sentences while I was editing...and no one noticed?????maybe this will make more sense..)

Sunday night I headed to church for our evening service. As soon as I headed down my road, Rachel came so heavy on my mind. I could see the sunset was going to be beautiful. Honestly, I tried not to see it because I knew I would be a mess at church if I did. I lost it in my rear view mirror and my thoughts shifted back toward church. We were going to be presenting an idea for a new kind of service on Sunday nights...and I'm back to thinking about Rach and how much she would love me still trying to play the drums at church, and how excited she would be about the new service...I made the uturn and the sunset slapped me in the face. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the night of her we drove away from this very church..the sky sang to me. It was the same pink and blue cotton candy sky .It wasn't until later that I realized it was the 19th. I lost count of the days after Valentines day. Thats all I used to do was count days . Count the days until "that day" was here. I think the 16th would be as hard as the 17th....I used to dread that number. But then enough days pass and you realize that those feelings are
always there, no matter what the date is...some things make me miss her
more.. The flowers fade, the birds and the butterflies leave, but ...I always have my sunsets..

While I was looking for a photo to use in this post, I found this picture in the computer that was created by Kennedy in June has my colors in the sky.

Beyond the sunset,
O glad reunion,
With our dear loved ones
who've gone before,
In that fair homeland
we'll know no parting.
Beyond the sunset
forever more.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

What if it's love

It seems like its rained everyday here. It makes it impossible to go to Rachel's garden or to bring anything beautiful out there. I was feeling very down about it early this morning. I walked in the kitchen and saw the things on the table for the girls from their dad and just knew that there was an empty place. I got the girls ready for school and went to put Kk in the truck with all her valentines for school. When I opened her door this was sitting on the seat. She had made it at church and I guess it had gotten lost in the mix. I really don't know what happened, I just know this is what I saw when I opened the door.

I opened it and read it. Everyone has heard this verse (John 3 16)hundreds of times, but when I read it today, it was truly a gift.

Shall Not perish
Everlasting life

That is true love. And it is the best valentine .
(I know her hand writing makes it hard to read.They took the word Valentine and wove John 3 16 in it).

This week I had had one of Rachs friends on my mind. She was in the youth department at church with Rach and after graduation, she got to go to Hillsong college for a year. She sang many times in our church and always gave a testimony with her song. This song that she sang had been going through my head and it was one of the first things I thought of after reading KK's card.....

What if you're right? He was just another nice guy. What if You're right?

What if it's true? They say the cross will only make a fool of you. What if it's true?

What if He takes His place in history with all the prophets and the kings who taught us love and came in peace, but then the story ends?

What then?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more? What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for? What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

What if you dig way down deeper than your simple-minded friends? What if you dig?

What if you find a thousand more unanswered questions down inside?

That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic and begin poke the holes? What if the crown of thorns is no more than folklore that must be told and re-told, and re-told?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more? What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for? What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

'Cuz you've been running as fast as you can. You've been looking for a place you land for so long.

But what if you're wrong?

What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

It is love .
The greatest of these
is love.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Story of my life

This past weekend I headed to Houston with the girls to spend some time with my sister and her family. She has twin boys that my girls love hanging out with. In her spare time , my sister also writes a blog(among other things) This is what her "about me" says..

As a designer, I specialize in room re-arrangement and putting together the little touches that tell the story of who you are. This blog tells the story of who I am.

As I look around my home , I see so many things that tell the story of who I am, or I guess I should say , who I have become. In every room I have something that has Rachels verse on it. ( you know, Love is...). There are hearts, calla lilies, butterflies, and crosses, and of course little treasures of Rachels that only I know what they are. They are a constant connection to me, not to keep me holding on to the loss, but to remember the life. The story of her life, and mine.
While I was visiting with my sister, she gave me these wonderful shells that look like angel wings. As soon as I got home I started trying to get creative with them. I thought I would use a page from an old book that I have to make a little somthin somethin . I have an old book that I love to use,it has poems and pictures .It is titled The Country Diary of an Edwardian Lady.I turned to September hoping to find something special . I started reading this poem and could only make it through the third line.

One morn I put my heart to sleep.
The story of my life.

I switched gears and went with just a black background in a shadow box . I love it!

As I was driving home from my sisters on Sunday late afternoon, I was given the gift of seeing an incredible sunset in my rear view mirror the entire way home. It also seemed like every song that came on the radio was just for me. There was a connection to Rachel in every one of them . They seemed to tell the story too. I'm so thankful for memories, they fuel me ...even if through the tears.

The story of my life is very plain to read
It starts the day you came
And ends the day you leave
The story of my life begins and ends with you
The names are still the same
And the story's still the truth

I love this song . I remember hearing it when Rachel was very little. The first time I heard it reminded me of my mom and dad. It was one of the songs I heard on the way home.

my sisters blog