Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Save a place for me

On my way to Rachels garden this beautiful song came on.It was timed perfectly.As soon as I got to the end of my road ,I turned up the radio and it started.I want you to listen to the song with no distracting video.I've learned since losing Rach that almost everyone has a story of their own grief.Close your eyes and listen to this song.It is for me and for every person who has ever had someone so very precious torn from their life.This was shared with me from the guy who makes the shields of strength===the bible tells us that a day in heaven is one thousand years on earth. A day is twenty four hours. If you divide both one thousand years and 24 hours by ten you find that 100 years on earth is two point four hours in heaven or a little less than two hours and thirty minutes. Since most of us won’t be here for another 100 years you can divide one hundred years and two and one half hours by two and find that 50 years on earth is one hour and fifteen minutes in heaven. With more division you can find that one year on earth is about one and one half minutes in heaven or ninety seconds. We will be there soon. click on the video ,close your eyes ......

(its only the one song loaded on here wrong.)

Friday, January 22, 2010

KK Bday

On January 23 my baby, KK, turns 7.Rachel came in the room when I was in labor for just a few minutes.Her eyes so wide,trying to have a smile for me.She loved Kaitlin as soon as she saw her.She loved both the little girls.She loved them and worried about them just like a mom would.She couldn't even take a vacation without calling CONSTANTLY to check on them.We took them to the State Fair when KK was about 4 and she was a nervous wreck watching her ride the rides."Mom what if she stands up" "oh my gosh I can't watch" "MOM !"MOM!.That is just the way Rachel was. She "mothered" her brother who is almost 2 years older than she is.I found on Rachels camera a lot of pictures of KK.The 2 of them together,and a lot of just KK.She would always go in Rachs room to see what she was doing, or go aggravate her.In so many pictures Rachel is looking over Kaitlins shoulder. I hope she still is.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Sea Gulls-See God

Monday was a holiday for the kids so we made plans to go to Moody Gardens in Galveston .Me and the 2 girls,and my parents headed out for a day full of fun.I hate to admit it,but my little girls had never even rode on the ferry before.I don't enjoy the beach.I find my peace at the lake.The wind at the beach drives me crazy.Maybe if we had the white sand and the crystal blue water....I'd still want to be at the lake.So on the ferry ride over the seagulls were CRAZY.They were starving and it was a feeding frenzy.Kennedy loved every minute of it.I have never really thought of a seagull as a beautiful bird.We were late leaving Galveston,so on the ferry ride back things were much calmer.I noticed the sky was beautiful.I always am able to see the beauty in the sky,even more so now.I find myself looking up a lot more now than I ever did before.After we got back, I downloaded my photos.I am not a photographer.Never have claimed to be one, which makes the pictures I took even more special.I still do not claim to be a photographer.I consider the pictures to be a gift.They are beautiful.I only wish that my eyes would be able to see daily what can be seen in the pictures.I sent this picture to my Dad.He got it.He was able to see what I saw in them without me telling him.I hope you can see HIM.
Open my eyes that I may see, glimpses of truth Thou hast for me.” –Clara H. Scott

Psalm 19:1-4 The heavens are telling the glory of God; and the firmament proclaims his handiwork.

For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:
I edited the pictures down in size only,I did nothing to the color or effects.Double click on the images to open them larger.
That is my dad in the picture.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Four Months

I posted this video on my Facebook,but for those of you who don't have access to that I am posting it here too.
So much has happened in the past for months.I have made many new friends.I have new friends that have made commitments to pray EVERY day for me.Some of these friends I have never met face to face,but I am so thankful for each and every one of them.Thank you for staying close, even when I ask for space,I still feel you here with me.
I used to play this song for Rach when she would be having "boy" troubles.I would sing really loud and obnoxiously to try and cheer her up.It usually worked.There are no words to use to tell you how very much I miss her.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

When The Petals Fall

I wrote another song.This is a very rough draft of it but after being at Rachels
garden this morning,I felt like I should share it.

I'm standing in the stillness
of the quiet resting place.
The flowers gently placed there
all too soon will fade.

But love goes on
even when the petals fall.

A rose wont last forever
and lilies quickly fade
Like all your dreams before me
and all the plans we made

But love goes on
even when the petals fall.

I still can smell the sweetness
from your very last goodbye.
Your hearts in every flower
And never will it die

So love goes on
even when the petals fall.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Yesterday was field trip day for Kaitlin.She agreed to go IF I went too.She rode on the bus and I followed them.We went to the Lutcher Theater in Orange to see Frog and Toad, the play. It was really good. I have to admit though that my stomach was in knots following the buses there,considering how last week was.I don't like feeling that way.There is such a hyper-sensitivity to everything.I even noticed in the play there were a lot of references to death."Oh I'm gonna die" dead die= death =blah blah blah ,I thought some of it was unnecessary.I tried to see KK out of the corner of my eye.I tried to not react so that she would not.She seemed to not notice(I hope).I checked her out of school early and headed to Mickey D's.After a few errands I decided to go ahead and get Kennedy early from school to save me a trip back to town.She came down the hall wide eyed and almost pale"WHY ARE YOU GETTING ME EARLY"?.I realized the last time I had checked her out early was Sept. 17...
I explained to her how our day ended early all the while trying to find just the right tone so she knew I understood how she felt ,but without adding anymore to her fear.I told her I would try not to surprise her anymore.Why didn't I think of that?The last thing I want to do is add to her sorrow.There were no tears ,I just knew how she felt and I hated that for her.Being almost 4 months into this process,I have learned a lot but I would never be so unwise as to say I know it all.Every day is a learning process.Some days I redo the same lesson over and over.
I had pressed some rose petals that I saved from the funeral.They turned out beautiful.The colors in them are amazing, but they are so fragile.You have to be very careful with them when you handle them.That's how my little girls are.When you look at them ,they are just so beautiful. I have to remember just how very fragile they are.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

So much sadness this week for me..Two sweet girls ,one 17 years old , one 20years old ,were in horrible automobile accidents. And one of Rachs very good friends lost her mother.I just could not understand all that was going on around me.Rachels friend Ashton,the 20 yr old, was involved in a hit and run.She has a broken pelvis,cracked vertebrae,lots of bruising,staples in her head,and she will lose fingers.My heart was so heavy.I needed to go see her.I wanted her to know that I was praying for her,and that she was in my thoughts.She had sent me several messages of encouragement after the funeral, and I just needed to see her.I wanted to bring her something besides flowers.Something that would let her know how very special I thought she was.I know how much she thought of Rachel. I decided to bring her the Shields of Strength that I had found in Rachs room. I know what they meant to me.I know when I read them how they affected me and I know that Ashton has a lot of hard days ahead of her.She is a very strong girl.I did not expect to see what I saw when I went to the hospital.She looked really good ,for what she had been through and she has a very positive outlook on what is ahead for her.She knew what the shields were because she reads my blog (Hi Ashton!).I pulled them out of my pocket to hand them to her.I told her she could just set them on the table and she said "put them on".I put them on for her.They are EXACTLY where they need to be.Please pray for Ashton,for healing, and for strength=just like the shields say:

2Tim. 1:7 For God has not given me the spirit of fear,but the power of love and of a sound mind.

Joshua 1:9 I will be strong and courageous.I will not be terrified or discouraged;for the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.

Ashton sent me this photo of her and Rach hoping it would make me laugh,it did.
Please everyone buckle up and drive safe.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

After venting in the blog yesterday(I hope you're still here with me),I opened my email to find this gem.It is day 44 of daily emails I get from GriefShare. Note it says in the title BE EXPRESSIVE.It made me laugh out loud.This happens all the time to me.I guess I'm doing better than I realized.I hope you can find the humor in this.I have to. On a serious note,if anyone else is struggling with grief I really have enjoyed the messages I get from GriefShare.You just have to go to the website and sign up for them.
(This was copied and pasted,I did not add anything to it)
The Second Principle of the Journey: Be Expressive
Day 44

Express your tears and your pain. In order to move on, you cannot push down and pocket your emotions; they must be fully communicated for you to heal.

"Everyone cries," says Dr. H. Norman Wright. "Everyone sheds tears. Some people do it on the outside, but some are only capable of doing it on the inside. From a health perspective, the shedding of tears is very beneficial to physical well-being.

"The people who are unable or haven't developed the capacity to cry are carrying a heavier load of emotion that can actually contribute to some physical difficulties. I don't think you should ever apologize for your tears because you never apologize for something that is a gift from God."

Pull out your emotions. Face the pain head-on. Mourn loudly. Weep bitterly. Be set free.

When Peter realized he had disowned Jesus three times, he "went outside and wept bitterly" (Luke 22:62). When Stephen, the first Christian martyr, died, devout men "made loud lamentation over him" (Acts 8:2 NASB).

Holy God, I'm so adept at pushing down my emotions that I don't know how to pull them up, but I know that I must. Give me the opportunity and the courage to let my emotions pour out freely. Amen.

Monday, January 4, 2010

All Aboard

On Sunday mornings I have the privilege of giving the children's sermon.I usually go pretty close to the start of the service,that way all the little ones don't get restless.Sunday morning they showed a video before I went.It was on,of all things, the new Grief Share class that someone very special at our church is starting.When I say the video was hard to watch, I mean it was H A R D to watch.So I didn't.I couldn't watch it or listen to it.Not if they wanted me to give a children's sermon.I put my head down and put my fingers in my ears like a two year old so I couldn't hear any more of it.I'm sure all the people behind or around me think I need supervision.No, what I need is for people to understand.I love giving the children's sermon.It helps me to have some sort of normalcy in a life that every part of has been ripped to shreds.Its hard enough when everyone wants to "greet' me before church,and by greet I mean ask me how I am.Don't get me wrong, I love the hugs.I love people loving me,its just hard to go and give a lighthearted children's sermon when you're constantly reminded of why you're brokenhearted.Please don't read anything else into this post.It is only meant to be a glimpse into what is my life, now.Like I said,I LOVE my church family and I love all the hugs,prayers ,and encouragement I get from them, but this blog is the real deal, no sugar coating here.I am just trying to work through my sorrow , and I hope it helps someone else to feel "normal".(I put that in quotes because there is no normal in grief.)

Do not judge,and you will not be judged.Luke 6:37
(just incase you were leaning that way)
thanks for riding the crazy train with me.