Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I'm Not Alone

While I was getting ready for church this morning the phone rang. It was Michelle. Her daughter was sick so she wouldn't be able to make it to church... I told myself.."this means you are singing your song"...It is called "YOU'RE NOT ALONE". I got to church early so I could TRY and sing it. I was still a little stuffy,but I was determined. I was nervous, but I kept telling myself this isn't hard. I had done much harder things.. Every part of burying a child is hard. Walking in a dimly lit room and seeing your daughter for the first time laying in a casket....thats hard....looking at her hair and knowing that she would hate for her friends to see it looking like that , and hearing her voice pleading..MOM LOOK AT MY BANGS...MOM!!! and knowing you don't have a choice.,so you pick up a comb and you do what you know you HAVE to make your daughter look like a beautiful sleeping princess. I've done things I never dreamed I could do,,,or would ever have to do...singing a song is a piece of cake.. I struggled through it a few times in practice trying to warm my voice up..but I didn't care..the words were more important to me...I prayed and asked God to please help me...and just put it in His hands..He of course came through for me .I was able to sing it better than I ever had. I'm not saying it was " awesome"..I'm just saying = I did it! I had so many people tell me how much I inspired them, or how much they loved my song. They got it.. thats what I really wanted was for them to hear the words and see me ..ME ...being able to sing to them , and to say ..." If she can do that after everything she's been through"...yeah...its time to start trusting God..It's time to stop thinking little things are sooo bad.. It's time to REALLY see God , and to trust that when he says NEVER will I leave you, that He means NEVER.. Thank you God for allowing me to do what my heart needed to do.

Trunk or Treat was tonight..It turned out really good. It was a busy day , but the little girls really enjoyed it. I know in the morning it will be the day of Rachel's birth. I did everything today that I needed to do ...tomorrow.. well....I'll let you know..

You're Not Alone

I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone but you found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you

You're not alone for I-I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All your life.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Parades Pumpkins and Possibilities

Rach singing at homecoming

Today was our high schools homecoming parade and football game. I made it fine through the parade. I thought about Rach the whole time. She got to ride in a blue corvette her senior year for choir sweetheart.She looked so beautiful.Her junior year she sang The National Anthem with a small choir group at half time during the homecoming game. I thought about her tonight when the group sang.She was so excited about both events.There was just something about being at the game that was so much harder tonight. There is a song that the band plays after the "school song" called Slavonic.If you go to VHS ,then you know this song well. It is evokes all kind of memories. I thought about my years in school, and I thought about Rachs.I remembered seeing her cry when they played that song at the game her senior year. I could see her so clearly tonight even though the stands were so packed. I miss her so much. This weekend is going to be so hard. Homecoming, halloween, and then Rachs birthday on Monday..I'm already a mess. I am in charge of our church's "trunk or treat". The theme for my car is The "Bee" attitudes. Four years ago I did my first fall festival and Rach ,of course, was right there helping.She did the face painting and was awesome at it. She dressed up as a bee . That is how I came up with my car theme. KK and I are dressing up as bees too. For her birthday ..... I have no idea...My mom made a beautiful calla lily arrangement for the altar at church. Our secretary at church put a beautiful photo of Rach with a calla lily around it in the bulletin to remember her on her birthday. I was so touched. I was glad she let me see it early. I showed it to the little girls, and they LOVED it.I was supposed to sing Sunday morning, but I came down with a head cold and had no voice for a couple of days. The lady that sang at Rachs funeral is going to sing God's Still Faithful for us. I first sang that song with my niece Amber. It is such a powerful song. Then me and Rach sang it together. This would have been her 21st birthday. It would have been such a huge deal to her.Her friends ask me what I am doing for it...and I honestly don't know..We did the balloon release last year. This year it falls on a Monday..nothing feels right. I just don't know what to do.. I never feel like anything is BIG enough. I am of course so glad to know that others remember and want to do something...but I need to find something that feels right. right now it just all feels wrong..

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sweet Hour Of Prayer

Well after a long week of taking care of a sick kid, I was so ready for this weekend. KK got strep throat, and then wound up getting a stomach virus on top of that. I needed 2 Saturdays this weekend.. Church this morning was really good. We had a very prayer - filled service. After I did my childrens sermon , they asked for the preacher and 2 other men in our church who are preachers, to come down front. It was a time to get special prayer for yourself or someone you knew. I went down .I went to a man that I have known since I was a very little girl.I told him I was in need of prayer because Rachels birthday was coming up and...I... I could barely finish my sentence...he grabbed me by my hand and looked into my eyes and said " I voice your name before the Lord everyday in my prayers".That meant so much to me...And then Mr. Quinn wrapped his arms around me and said the sweetest prayer. Our whole service was about prayer.The next song we sang was Sweet Hour of Prayer...I heard every word of it ..this time. It is such a beautiful song. I left church feeling wonderful.. I stopped and got us some lunch to eat at home..and then this is where it all changes....
As I turned down my road to come home, there were 3 dogs that we did not recognize..One really big pit /mix looking thing, and weenie dog with a limp, and a cute little scruffy black dog..Kennedy immediately started telling me to get out and get them..I told her I couldn't because that big dog looked mean..I could see the cute little black dog jumping around in the high grass..She was begging me to do something..The little weenie dog took off towards the main hi way...I tried to go ahead and get us on down the road..Kennedy kept asking me why I didn't help.I told her I was afraid of the big dog..We went in to eat and I could tell Kennedy was still sad...I told her they would be ok and she said..."no they won't ..the black one got ran over"...I didn't believe her...I didn't see it..She said she saw it of course I had to go back and look and see..and bless her little heart..there was the little black dog ...right there ...all I could think was I've got to move her so Kennedy doesn't have to see it every time we leave..
I am so glad my girls have no idea of what I see when I get to the end of that road..they don't know where the wreck happened..just that it happened..I went and got a shovel and went to move the little dog..praying for strength the whole time...Oh sweet hour of prayer "In seasons of distress and grief,My soul has often found relief."...I was having some trouble , and I stopped because of traffic...then a truck came down our street and stopped and asked if I needed help.For some reason I felt compelled to tell this man MY whole story...he went and got the puppy for me.. and said how very sorry he was..I don't even know that if I would have gotten out of my car and went to try to get the little dog , it would have even came to me..I might have scared it into the road..I'm so sorry little puppy that I didn't help you..And I'm sorry that your owner didn't care enough to take better care of you... I wrote this poem on the 21st of October last year...I have been thinking about it today , and thought I would share it again...

At the end of the road
there is a place
where part of my heart sits still.
It sits and holds your love and grace,
Gods mercy I can feel.
At the end of the road
I never thought
that all your dreams would end.
That plans would change, life would stop
and healing would begin.
At the end of the road
I didn't know
I 'd have to say goodbye.
That everyday I'd see the place
where you first learned to fly.
At the end of the road
there is a choice,
The darkness or the light.
I choose the light, the Son of God
whose never left my side.
At the end of the road
I know there's life
there's life eternally.
And that is what i hope to see
and the end of the road
for me.

Sweet hour of prayer! sweet hour of prayer!
That calls me from a world of care,
And bids me at my Father’s throne
Make all my wants and wishes known.
In seasons of distress and grief,
My soul has often found relief,
And oft escaped the tempter’s snare,
By thy return, sweet hour of prayer!
Sweet hour of prayer! sweet hour of prayer!
The joys I feel, the bliss I share,
Of those whose anxious spirits burn
With strong desires for thy return!
With such I hasten to the place
Where God my Savior shows His face,
And gladly take my station there,
And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer!
Sweet hour of prayer! sweet hour of prayer!
Thy wings shall my petition bear
To Him whose truth and faithfulness
Engage the waiting soul to bless.
And since He bids me seek His face,
Believe His Word and trust His grace,
I’ll cast on Him my every care,
And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer!
Sweet hour of prayer! sweet hour of prayer!
May I thy consolation share,
Till, from Mount Pisgah’s lofty height,
I view my home and take my flight.
This robe of flesh I’ll drop, and rise
To seize the everlasting prize,
And shout, while passing through the air,
“Farewell, farewell, sweet hour of prayer!”

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Traveler

Can I just start off by saying how much I despise halloween ? I just don't like it...well except for the 15 bags of pumpkins I have already consumed...seriously..I have never really liked it..Rach on the other hand loved it.Of course the day after is her birthday , but I never understood her fascination with halloween. I want to just pretend it doesn't exist,but I can't do that with little least KK is on my side about not liking all the scary stuff about it. Today KK decided she wanted to paint a face on her pumpkins that she forced me to buy. I traced a funny face on for her and then I couldn't find the sharpie to go over it. I was looking in every drawer that I thought might have one.I opened my husbands top drawer that holds an odd mixture of things.I picked up a stack of papers and realized there was a stack of cards in it too.He keeps all the cards that the kids and I give him.I flipped through the stack and found a card with MY name on it.It was from a sweet lady at his had this wonderful poem that I had never heard. I am so glad I found it today..

The Traveler
By James Dillet Freeman

She has put on invisibility.
Dear Lord, I cannot see—
But this I know, although the road ascends
And passes from my sight,
That there will be no night;
That You will take her gently by the hand
And lead her on
Along the road of life that never ends,
And she will find it is not death but dawn.
I do not doubt that You are there as here,
And You will hold her dear.

Our life did not begin with birth,
It is not of the earth;
And this that we call death, it is no more
Than the opening and closing of a door—
And in Your house how many rooms must be
Beyond this one where we rest momentarily.

Dear Lord, I thank You for the faith that frees,
The love that knows it cannot lose its own;
The love that, looking through the shadows, sees
That You and she and I are ever one!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Coming Out Of The Dark

I have tried to be as honest as I could possibly could about everything that I have felt, or seen or done..I hope that when you read this you can understand my pain..this is the dark cloud that has been over my head since the wreck happened ..
I have never had any hard feelings towards the man that was driving the 18 brother made it very clear that the man had done everything he could to try to stop it from happening..I believe him...what has consumed me is the residents of the home where her car stopped.They have made many FALSE claims on my insurance to try to make money off of my daughters wanna talk about having hatred in my heart????? Every time I get to the end of my road and have to see their house and know what they have tried to do...Every time I would get a letter in the mail from the insurance about another claim I just wanted to go and tell them " don't you think me losing my daughter was enough"? your roll of fencing that has been laying there for 4 years is useless...that old car that has been on a trailer for 2 years is a piece of junk....LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! I have been very aware of the fact that I need to let this go..My hope is that maybe in purging this out on my blog ..just getting it out.. will help me to let it go..and of course I know that you will read it and will pray for me about it too...(hint hint)...It just goes so far down into the pit of my stomach...sometimes when I see them outside I just want to go and tell them how wrong they are...but there is no talking to people like this..obviously...I want this part of it to be over...I don't want to sit in a place of panic and be robbed of peace ..but right now I can't even type the three words that I need to say....much less say them out loud..I was given a very good definition of forgiveness.. it means you take your hand off of the persons throat....I've loosened my grip... I haven't let go .....yet....I'm sorry...I'm human..

“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered me by setting me free. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The LORD is with me; He is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.” Psalm 118:5-7 (NIV)

Lord please set me free

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


This month is pastor appreciation month. At my church ,this past Sunday, we honored our whole ministry team. This year I was included as the childrens minister. I have been doing the childrens sermons in our worship service for around 5 yrs. When I first started doing them I would rehearse them on Rach while we were at the house and then on the way to church. She would tell me if she thought they were good. I can even remember her being moved to tears during some of them. She was one of my biggest supporters. I know she was proud of me for doing them , not just as a Christian , but as a woman. She always had a hard time with the place of the woman in church. She didn't understand it. She asked me one morning after I did my sermon how come they referred to the men as "brother so and so" but just called me Mrs. Suzette?... I had no idea..I knew that me doing the sermon and saying a prayer was a HUGE deal in our church . I also have known how very supportive everyone at my church has been of me doing them, but no one as much as Rach.. I walked in to my classroom Sunday morning and picked up the bulletin for the day. On the front were all the names of the ministry team that were being honored. When I saw my name I sucked in my breath..It said "Sister Suzette".. It made me laugh and cry.I have never been called that.Rach had been on my mind so much that morning.I knew she would have been so glad to see me be recognized... seeing that made it seem like she was a part of it, even if I was the only one that knew it.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

I Wonder

I always wonder what goes on inside my little girls minds .I know for KK ,the 8 yr old, she was the one at first that was comforting us. She would say the most unbelievable things..and then she got to where she would leave the room if we were looking at Rachs pictures or if we were having a sad moment. That lasted for several months, and then out of the blue one day ,when we were in the car,she started talking about things she remembered about Rach. I think what struck me the most was the look on her face and the tone in her voice..and when she finished talking, she would turn her head and look up and out the window and just slightly nod her head ..and then she looked at me and said " I remember too"...I remember then thinking that I wish I could just see in that girls mind..Kennedy on the other hand...oh man....she has to have information to be able to process the situation..I know how her mind works..she needs to know ,so she can stop trying to sort it out..she is one of the smartest, loving kids..she has cried rivers of tears..from day 1 every night when she would lay down to go to sleep she would say " goodnight RA RA "..some nights I could smile, and some nights was just too much..Kenedy loves talking about Rach..she can remember amazing details from things that happened when she was very young...I'm so glad...I said all this to bring us up to this week..Wednesday night when we were leaving church Kennedy looked up at the sky and in a very quiet voice said" every night I wonder where Rachels star is"... I could just hear in her voice that she needed me to fix that for her.... I think it was just the way she said it..I want to be in their minds...just sit back in the corner of their little minds and see what sweet memories they have..and see what they think about..I wonder if my being so honest with them was the right thing to do..I know that I am teaching them how to grieve...I also know how very much a part of their lives Rachel was...I heard Kennedy and KK talking in their room the other day..KK was wishing she had some boots that she could wear with her new shirt..and Kennedy told her "Remember we're gonna be getting some new boots real's almost Rachels birthday".... (Iwould get Rach new boots for her birthday, so last year I got the girls new boots)..I wonder how many times a day they think about her..I hope it is all sweet ...I hate to think that they carry around the same pain that I do ....they don't know everything that I know....they have no knowledge of the wreck, only that it happened...they only know she's gone... and know that every day ..every day....we miss her.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Lead me to the cross

I have spent the past 4 nights at our church watching the "Strength Team". They tore phone books,broke bats, crushed bricks(on fire), and had just as powerful testimonies.My girls really enjoyed watching them ,so I made a point of being there every night.I know what an lasting impact things like this can have on people.
Plus their messages of "strength in the Lord " were just what I needed.I have had a hard time with October. I know that these next 3 months will be so hard. These were Rachels most favorite months. I know what you all are made it through them last year ....well now I know how hard they are going to be...I do know that God is still here with me ,and he will carry me through these months..they are just so emotionally draining. It all already seems so hard. And somehow (as KK always says) I will get through each part of it. Some people say the second year is easier and some people say it is harder..I say it ALL is hard..I don't think it will ever be easier..I think this is just how I will feel. Some days it is just easier to find a way through he darkness, and some days it is just an all consuming pit that rages so loud all around you can't even hear yourself screaming ...but then the sun comes back again and you can see, and your mind can be quiet..little things help to give me peace. Little , simple things... like this cross necklace... It is just like the one Rachel is wearing in so many pictures. KK gave it to her..she wore everyday..she even had on the day of the wreck.. I gave hers to one of her very special friends.. and then a year later I ordered myself one...or I guess I should say one dozen....I had a small panic attack.."what if I lose it? or what if they stop selling them"? I ordered enough to share with friends and family..and some to keep just incase I lose mine.. that little inexpensive wooden cross, helps to give me peace..I keep one by my bed..this little hand is a mold of KK's hand that I made. It is sitting on a glass box filled with dried flowers from the funeral. That little hand reminds me so much of the hand of the angel on Rachs headstone..I love that it is one of the first things I see in the morning ,and one of the last things I see before I go to bed...

Lead me to the cross....the necklace reminds me of this song..