Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


Its amazing to me how my GriefShare messages are sometimes just right on what I have been dealing with====My extreme feelings of course from day to day .I have been having more days lately where I am not quite so crippled by my sadness.I think having Kennedy home all week has helped. Todays verse was another one of those that I want to share with you. We all have thoughts in our head about the future.We all take one little thing and stretch it into a HUGE thing.Then we add on to that, and twist it ,and "what if"it until we've spent countless hours making it into something horrific because WE kept answering the "what if".We create a fear of the future out of what goes on in our mind.The Bible says that God is love. It also says that love CANNOT coexist with fear. So if Jesus lives in you, you do not need to fear.That is worth repeating...IF JESUS LIVES IN YOU,YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEAR..
"There is NO fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18).
This is one of those little messages that everyone can use,not just those dealing with grief.Why do we say our God is so powerful ,and then put limits on Him with our fear??I know first hand what a loving , mighty God we have.John 16:33 was shared with me this week.......
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

"Be of good cheer".We have to do our part too.It is so much easier for me to say that ,than it is to do that.I can talk all day about all the things God has done for me and all His promises ,and then turn around and stop living it myself.I am really trying to live the "be of good cheer" part.People always want to share that "Footprints in the sand" poem with me.I always tell them that with me its one set of footprints and some skid marks where God is dragging me saying"come one Suzette,you can do this" set of skid marks in the sand....maybe that will be my next song.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Did she find Him?

These past 5 months have been so full of emotions and memories. I can think back to the day the wreck happened and remember so clearly almost every minute of that day.Then I'll open a cabinet and ask myself"when did I buy this"?????I guess its just a protective mode we go in out of fear of forgetting.I remember so much about the funeral too.Even as exhausted mentally and physically as I was, I remember even the smallest detail. One thing these past couple of days has really been on my mind, and I keep obsessing over it.After I took the podium and asked the kids not leave the church unless they were sure that if the same thing happened to them ,their mother would know where they were(in Heaven), there was an altar call.After that it was time for everyone to walk up and have their last goodbye. I remember feeling the need to hug every person,or at least just look them in the eyes and let them know how much it meant to me for them to be there.I realize some of those people weren't there because of me or my side of the family,but I still wanted them to know how moved I was that they were there.As people were coming down the aisle, I noticed this young lady coming towards me that looked familiar.She and Rachel had went to school together since elementary.They weren't really close friends , but I have known who this girl is for a long time. She hugged me and could barely talk, but she looked very pleadingly in my eyes and said" I just want you to know, that I've thought about what you said ,and I don't think my momma would know where I am if something happened to me and I think its about time I do something about that." Here's the part that bothers me....I should have grabbed her right then and brought her to my preacher, or anyone ,but instead I just hugged her very tight and told her I was so glad ,and I told her to tell her mother that she loved her .Then she said" I'm gonna do things different"...I'm going to pray that God will put me or someone I know in this young ladys path. I just have really been burdened for this girl.I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I realize I get a "pass" on this one considering how hard the day was.I just want to know that THAT DAY did make a difference in her life.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Do you see what I see?

Well since Sunday my life has been a blur.Kennedy came down with a high fever ,which turned out to be the start of the flu.She is such a trooper.She does not like to be "down". She is not a complainer either.She is also one of the few who want to eat when they are sick.She reminds me so much of Rachel.Rachel would be so sick ,even with a very upset stomach, and want to eat "food",not crackers or soup, she would want a hamburger or pizza...I was in a way glad to have a distraction.My birthday was yesterday.I had spent the morning cleaning the house just in case I got sick too. The whole day I thought about Rach. Big Red,our favorite Cardinal,showed up bright and early and was singing louder than ever. It reminded me of how a few Christmas's ago our cat took it upon himself to kill a "Big Red", and leave his mangled body at the door for us to find.My husband was not at the home at the time and I was just useless.I couldn't go and clean it up,and I did not want my little girls to see it.Well guess who went and took care of it...Rach...She saved me some of the feathers.When she came back in the house I was washing the dishes ,staring out my kitchen window crying my eyes out.She stood by me and I turned to her and said"can you believe I'm crying over a stupid bird"? Her eyes were watering too,I think for me and not the bird.She said"mom its not stupid, it was Big Red"...she gave me the biggest hug.Then she placed the feathers on the counter.Which prompted me to say " I used to have a little bird ,now all I have is feathers."..(When Rach was little I had gotten her a parakeet, which our yorkie killed the first time we took it out of the cage.Rachel walked in the room and said "I used to have a little bird, now all I have is some feathers.)...Everything I did yesterday made me think about her, how she looked at people ,how she hated to see people hurting. Even last night watching American Idol, I was thinking about how she could not stand to watch the audition part of the show.It literally would break her heart to watch .She sometimes would have tears in her eyes.She said it was so sad to hear the ones singing that were really sooo bad, but they thought they were good.She would have to change the channel some time, because it would just be too much for her.She hated for them to be ridiculed.She just saw things so different.Now,obviously there are people on the show purely for entertainment, and she knew that,but in the first seasons there were many that were used for entertainment that were not funny...just sad.Watching it last night,there were some girls who were just having a bad night, and it made me want to change the channel because it made me so uncomfortable for them.All day there were things that reminded me of her.I was not sad all day though.I was able to see her and remember her in all these things, and just enjoy being in those moments .That does not mean it will be that way today.I think yesterday was a gift to me....and I glady accepted it.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Mine Ebeneezer

Our praise band was requested to play more traditional hymns during our worship service.Come Thou Fount was our first choice.Most people sing that song and never really know,or think about,what the words are.The second verse=Here I raise mine Ebeneezer= any idea what that's about? Isn't is odd how we can just sing songs and not know what we are singing? I found the story about this verse so amazing ,I wanted to share it with you...
Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12..When Israel,under Samuels leadership, finally turned their hearts and minds back to God and He restored them,Samuel put this huge stone right in the middle of town basically,so that the people could see and be reminded of what God had brought them through,and what He promised He would do for them.They could look at that stone for years to come and be reminded of Gods judgement and repentance;His mercy and restoration. I don't have a huge stone,but I consider the bracelet that I have from Rachels car= mine Ebeneezer.It reminds me of what God has brought me through,EVERY STEP OF,and also of what I am walking towards.Remember the verse that is on it? Revelations 21:4, its at the top right of this page.I put the bracelet on the drums when I play.I have it in the car when I drive,and its in the house with me. "Up to this point the Lord has helped us" I am US, too.Surely you can think of a time when God was there for you too.You probably don't have a huge stone either. Some people use a prayer journal.I use the bracelet as a reminder of Gods faithfulness,of His mercies,and of His promises. He is the author and the finisher.

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

2. Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Don't go there

My sweet friend Theresa who is walking her own path of grief,told me about GriefShare.They send me a daily message, with a scripture.Today's was so good.I wanted to share it with ya'll because it applies not only to grief,but to any situation that causes you worry ,panic or anxiety.If you are dwelling in the uncertainties of the future or clinging to mistakes of the past....
There are days when I constantly see images that I really don't want to see.Images from the wreck site, from the funeral. Some days it is non stop,just like a slideshow..I am able to do all my daily duties, but it is always running. Some days I can remember only the beauty of it all, but on the "dark" days when I am walking in my mind through places where I shouldn't be walking,I'm going to remember what God tells us in Matthew 6:34 to live one day at a time: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." God is walking with me NOW ,Right NOW.When we go to the other places we go alone.God tell us not to worry about the future.He tells us to stay in today..God is with me today.Today I will work on stopping the bitter, sadness one thought at a time..Don't go there (God's not there). I hate to quote a cartoon but...
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery , today is a Gift,thats why it is called the present...
Each day we have is truly a gift.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Valentine

I can't remember exactly when it started, but for as long as I can remember my husband has been the Valentine fairy. He always sets out Valentine baskets for me and for the girls.Rachel and I used to laugh at him because he always bought us things from the people that set up on the side of the road with those overpriced baskets. One year we actually drove by and saw him shopping!I can still see Rach laughing about that. She told me to call him and see what he says he's doing.That girl..Today was very sad for me.Such a huge gaping hole on my table where her basket would be.I am so thankful for a husband who loved my daughter so much. He was so very protective of her.If we went out to eat she would avoid talking to boys she knew because she knew Kenny was going to go talk to them too. He was amazed at how smart she was. He always told her how beautiful she was. He would tell her that she didn't need some punk boy telling her how beautiful she was to believe it.But she never saw it.I think thats what made her even more beautiful.

If you ever leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you'll get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Friday, February 12, 2010

Hallmark moments-NOT

I went to my local drug store this afternoon with the intention of getting my "Valentine" a card. Every card that I picked up was wrong. They all talked about "everything we've been through, or the good and the bad, or the sorrow" ...I really hadn't thought about not being able to get a card. I could have gotten a funny one ,but they really weren't that funny.I just stood there looking and the rows of cards in disbelief..really..someone needs to address this at Hallmark. I just wanted to share this in case someone else was feeling the same thing.Once again, when it hits =it hits,there is no stopping it.Of course there were 2 girls I went to school with in the store.I tried to do the avoid-dance,but 1 found me at the register with my "punchy,teary eyes". I decided to take a pass on the card and hopefully I can convince my hubby that one is not needed for me.Its gonna be a long weekend.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Walmart Bargains and Blessings

I went to Walmart this morning to get some things for our Valentine party at church tonight.Just like everyone else in this town, I am at walmart at least once a week.The lady who checked me out has done so many times...many times.I've heard her sing hymns,watched her laugh with the customers.Today was different. The man in line in front of me was from my church.He told me the lady who was my cashier,had lost her daughter too. He then looked at the lady and told her I had lost my daughter.I've wrote before about paradigm shifts-Seeing the world through a different lens.Today was one of those lens changing days. When our eyes met I could see so far down into this womans heart.Deep into the places where we carry our pain, our broken dreams, and the love for our daughters.The love that is held by chains so strong that nothing on this earth could ever take it. To look in her eyes and see that one tear, slowly begin to fall,and to know how hot that one drop of saline can feel.My heart felt like it was in my shoes. She lost her daughter 13 years ago.It was a motorcycle accident.Her daughter and my niece were in the same class, same age.I wanted so badly to just go sit somewhere and talk to her.To hear about her daughter. To tell her all the things God has done for me.I wanted,I needed to touch her. I know you don't understand that sentence.Some people get uncomfortable when you talk about "laying hands" on people. If you think about it, its what moms do instinctively when their kids get hurt.The very first thing we do is grab our kids and hug them.We touch what is hurt, as if to take the pain on ourselves.I wanted to put my hand on this woman. I wanted her to feel what I feel. I wanted her to know, "I feel it too. I know your pain." I know how very alone it can feel. Then she said my favorite words,"I'm OK".I told her it was my answer for everything too.Then we talked about how that was the only answer for when people ask "how are you"?I told her my other favorite thing to say" Jesus wept,I get to be sad too".She loved it. She asked for my number, I also gave her this blog site. The point of this very long post is that just yesterday I shared with someone that I wasn't ready to hear about other people grief. I was wrong ...again. I wasn't ready, but God was ready for me too. I don't know why I can't get that through my head. I guess I need to keep my big mouth shut , and keep my heart and my ears open. God's timing....
The party with my GA girls was great. I found these huge lollipops that said LOVE IS.I read from 1 Corinthians 13 what love is.It was very hard because its Rachels favorite verses.I made it through to the verse where it says Love never fails. For some reason that part always gets me.The girls clung to my every word...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Beautiful Green dresses

I have said many times how much it seems like EVERYTHING reminds me of Rachel.Some days it is non-stop.Its not always in a sad way ,sometimes it is in a funny way.She had the best sense of humor.She loved to laugh. She loved to make me laugh.I see KK trying to do that more and more everyday too.KK is pretty funny (for a 7 year old).Saturday I took Kennedy to go try on pageant dresses.She loves doing the B-B-Q Festival here in our town. She has placed in it several times.I thought this year she might not want to do it, but she is counting down the days.I found this gorgeous white strapless gown for her to try on.It was so pretty on her.It took up almost the whole dressing room, it was so big.Kennedy was looking at herself in the mirror and said"This is a beautiful dress, it reminds me of Rachel." I just smiled and told her how beautiful she looked in it.Later when we got in the car Kennedy said she loved the dress but it was not as pretty as Rachels green dress(the dress in the first video.It was also her burial gown ).I did the best I could to hide my tears.I want her to always talk to me about her feelings and not hold them in because she thinks it makes me sad.I also have this other light green dress that Rach wore in the homecoming parade and to the Jingle Bell Ball.Kennedy asked if when she got older she could wear Rachels light green dress in the pageant.I told her I thought that would be perfect,then she tried to pin me down on how old she had to be to wear it.I am not ready to for that at all, but I know just like everything else worrying about doing it is harder than actually doing it. This month will be 5 months. So much has happened in that short time.Sometimes it seems like so long ago and other times it seems like just days ago it all happened. KK said I needed to get some new eye cream "cuz your eyes look a little punchy"ouch..please leave me some suggestions cuz what I'm using ain't workin!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Pieces of me

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, most of it online.I have a hard time with holding an actual book in my hand and reading it. I think it is because it reminds me so much of Rachel. She read constantly.She was what I would call a speed reader.It amazed my husband how fast she could read and be able to fully comprehend and retain what she had read.When I sit with a book, I see her.Its really doesn't surprise me,everything I do or see reminds me of her.The point is, its easier for me to read online. I have thoughts that stay in my head about the wreck,about Heaven, about Rachel,about death, and its like having a 1000 piece puzzle that you are trying to do without being able to look at a picture of the puzzle. How does it all fit together????? Will I ever be able to piece it together? Does God even want me to?
As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:12: "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know full, even as I am fully known." I'm going to keep reading, and I going to keep hoping,and I going to keep remembering. Thanks for stopping by.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Our praise band played during the worship service last month.I really enjoy playing at the drums for them.I have very limited skills ,believe me I know.My brother n law PLAYS the drums.I know the difference.I put Rachels bracelet that was found in her car,that I read at the graveside,on the cymbal stand.It has the verse from Revelation 21:4 engraved on it. She would have loved to see me play.Even when I am playing I am thinking about her,but the sadness is not always there.I think that is why I like to play.Music was always so much apart of us,and it still is.This is just a part of one of the songs we played.My 11 yr old videoed it with my camera so the sound is not that great.I love the chorus" Break my heart for what breaks yours"..... I see a generation Rising up to take their place With selfless faith With selfless faith I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek We're on our knees We're on our knees [Chorus] Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart for what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from nothing to Eternity [Chorus x2] Hosanna in the highest