Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Giving sorrow words

I had hoped this week would last longer. Next week is creeping closer and closer. Halloween was one of Rachel's favorite things. Then the next day, is her birthday. I will take her sisters to get their new boots as we have done the passed two years. It is just such an empty feeling already. I have a niece that will be in with her family this weekend too, so there will be a big get together with a Thanksgiving type menu....another of Rachel's favorites. I know this time of year is harder because it holds so many memories ,so many wonderful memories . I know that talking about it helps too. Many times I will be talking about Rach and missing her and the conversation will turn to a story about her and we always end up laughing. Shakespeare even said to talk about your grief,,,
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
Talk about what's in your heart. It does seem hard at first, or maybe uncomfortable is a better word, but the more you do it the easier it gets. It is what is in this heart that I am struggling with.

I keep saying the words of 1 John 4 : 18..THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. ...My go to verse for the days ahead. feel free to steal it and use it too.

Monday, October 24, 2011

He lifted me

I have mentioned before that the main reason I have a facebook is so because I was friends with Rachel so that allows me to go to her profile and look at her photos and read things that her sweet friends go and post. Lately it has become harder than usual. It is really difficult for me to get passed the fact that the people at facebook could just make her disappear.

I have spent way too much time trying to hack into her account to be able to change it, and read her private messages. I know that is wrong, but like I've said before ...walk the journey before you judge. I have also noticed how more time goes on between post on her wall. For most people , they have moved on or maybe it is too hard for them to stay I don't know for sure, I just know that I love to go to her page and find a sweet message of "missing you"..or a dream or anything..sometimes just a heart. But the other day I clicked on her page and found this post from one of her friends.

****Hey Rachel, I've been thinking of you a lot lately. It seems like the closer I get to my wedding, the more I think of you. I know that we weren't very close friends, but I can remember sitting by you in English and hearing your laugh like it was yesterday. My fiancé's mom and I have been discussing flowers a lot lately, and I can't help but think what your grandmaw said at your funeral about you telling her that you want her to do your flowers at your wedding. It makes me tear up every time I remember that. In a way I feel guilty that all of us get to go on with our lives, get married, and start families of our own while you were taken away so young. However, I know that God's plan hasn't finished with us yet. I can't wait until we're all together again!****

and then another sweet friend made a tribute page for her that said

Vhs Memorial Page
Rachel Ann Clark Class of 2008
November 1, 1989 - September 17, 2009


... This is my beautiful daughter.

------------------"I carry your heart.I carry it in my heart."-----------------

I started a blog that talks about Rachel and grief.

Suzette R. C/O 84


She was my best friend. She will always be remembered. ♥
Everyone was touched by Rachel , Even those who didnt know her.
She lived for the Lord and She Loved her family more than anything..
She holds a special place in all of hearts. and I personally cannot wait to see her again.
♥ Haley P. C/O 08'

God Bless you Haley P., and to my dear friend Suzette R. I think of you often and I am continually impressed by your strength. You have always meant the world to all of us that know you.

God makes all of his Angels beautiful, he did not have to change one thing about Rachel

Richard T M.(site moderator)
and so many sweet comments followed.

Just when I was sinking, God reached down and lifted me ..

From sinking sand He lifted me,
With tender hand He lifted me;
From shades of night to plains of light,
Oh, praise His Name, He lifted me!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I have wrestled since Sunday morning with writing a new post. Homecoming, parades, even a volleyball tournament all have faded to the background. On Sunday morning after church an 18 year old senior from our school lost his life. For reasons that we may never know, he was laying in the railroad tracks. The train blew the whistle and tried to avoid.....I didn't know Matt. I just know about him. He played varsity football and everyone loved him. He had only lived in our town for a couple of years. I don't know why his death has had such an effect on me. I guess because so much of what has been said about him mirrors things that were said about Rachel. He made people laugh, he helped them with problems, he was the one everyone looked too...I went to his Facebook to read what his friends and family said. I did read several that said they wished they had told him how much he meant to them. That's the part that has kept me in my "cocoon" as my friend calls it. What else has to happen before we really decide to open our hearts and our mouths and let the people that are "so special" to us know now how we feel. We just assume that everyone knows. I don't know what happened to this young man that he felt this was his only option, or if it truly was just an accident. I don't think we will ever know. I just want to know that out of all these hundreds of kids, teachers, coaches, etc..that lives have been changed. This morning the first thought I had was that his mom has to go and tell him goodbye. It is a feeling that you cannot explain. It is comforting to see so many come and be with you, but inside..inside ..its just one long scream. I saw a photo that was taken at the cemetery from this young mans burial. They had brought the inflatable pirate skull that they walk through before the games and his teammates and his coach carried him through for the last time. As a courtesy to his family, I chose not to share the picture.
How quickly your life can change. How quickly a life can end. I know this is not the type of post I usually make. I still know God is in control. I am just like everyone else ...trying to sort things out. So tonight as I sit and type in the darkness, I hope that you can understand . And I hope that it does not take a tragedy to make you see the people in your life as special and you make sure that they know how you feel. Because I know how hard it is to say goodbye knowing that my daughter knew how very special she is too me..
"and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you"
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Homecoming warrior princess

Well, my son is home from the hospital. I think it would have been quicker to do exploratory surgery. They ruled out a lot of things with a lot of test, but we are still waiting on the results of a biopsy. I'm just glad he is better.
Tomorrow is homecoming for our schools. Kennedy will be riding in the parade for placing in the pageant. When I called to register her for the line up, the lady on the phone said that my name sounded familiar and she asked me if I my daughter had been in the parade last year. I told her my older daughter had been in the parade, but that was several years ago. As she was telling me what a great memory she had, I began to think about that day when Rach was in the parade. As my mind was flooded with images tears flooded my face. I don't remember what the question was that the lady asked me but I remember her saying " mam....mam" I apologized and then told her why I was crying..."oh my gosh ..that's why I know your name"!!!! She was so kind on the phone. I didn't ask her how she knew, I just wanted off the phone. It seems like the more beautiful the memory, the more it hurts. Rachel had her dream dress on, and rode in her dream car...a Corvette. I still have that dress. Kennedy says she will wear it when she gets in high school. I love that she wants to. I love that she gets to feel like a princess in the parade too. I have told her since she was little that she is a princess, because she is a child of The King. As she has grown, I now see her as a warrior princess. She is smart, beautiful, courageous,strong, non-judgemental, and loving. I see so much of Rachel in her. I hope that as she continues to grow , the qualities will continue characterize her life.

“As painful as the process may be, that which shatters our superficiality also shatters the fetters of our fragility and frees us to walk with dignity and might to our destinies. We are not the fragile flowers we’ve considered ourselves to be. We, like Esther, are the warrior princesses of God” (Beth Moore, Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman).

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

No matter what

I am posting from the hospital today. My oldest son Rob came down with what I thought was the same virus that I had. His symptoms were presenting different from mine so he made a trip to minor care which placed him in the emergency room and then in a room. At first they thought it was his appendix, then Chrons disease, now they just aren't sure. It's hard to just sit and wait, and not know what's wrong or what's right. I'm not real good at "being still". I think I have mentioned that before..I have noticed that I haven't went to the bad place yet. I know that God is in control and that no matter what will all be OK. It seems that my life is just one big storm lately. I am hunkerin down and hanging on to all of His promises ..that's really all I can do. They changed Robs time this morning for colonoscopy and I wasn't able to get here in time to see him before he went back. I did get to talk to him on the phone, but its not the same,It was a little unsettling to say the least. Right as me and my parents got here, he was finished and was in recovery. He had an easy time with the procedure.The nurse told me that he was asking about me as soon as he woke up. He told them to go tell my mom cuz she's gonna be worried.She asked Rob how old he was and she said she had a 26 year old son. She said it was so nice to see a mother and a son so close. She even said she wished she had that."But my son has a wife ...and....." she didn't even finish her sentence.Yes my son is what I lovingly call a "turd" he does have a big heart, and I am so glad that someone else could see the love that I have for my child and his feelings for me..that sweet little boy that would hold my hand in the car on the way to school when he was 12 years old! That big boy who wouldn't go to bed until I could "'come tuck him in". No its not the perfect relationship, it never will be. But if I have learned anything throughout all of this trial,it is to just simply love. No matter what.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

You've got 5 minutes

I have spent the last 5 days trying to recover from a stomach bug. So far, no one else in the house has caught it. While I was "out of it" KK decided she wanted to get her ears pierced. She is her own person. She does everything on her terms. She told her daddy that he had five minutes to get ready to take her to the mall..that's funny. I tried to talk her out of it, to wait for me. She said "that's OK...I'll go ahead and do it". I really didn't expect it to happen. I figured they would get there and get ready to do it, and then come home with no holes.But, I was wrong. She came be- bopping into my bedroom so proud.I knew she would pick out blue earrings, that's her favorite has always been . After I was told all the details of the piercing, Kenny looked at me and very softly said " she picked out the September earrings" I just smiled and said " of course she did".
I had no idea that blue was September's birthstone color..I love how everything continues to weave together.

"Life reveals her beauty one precious miracle at a time".