Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Through eternity sing

After having that deep conversation with Kennedy, it sent my mind into a frenzy of thoughts. I waited a few days and then we talked about "that day" again. I wanted to be sure she was remembering everything right. The truth is, they left for school before Rach ever got up...there was nothing she could have done..there was nothing anyone could have done.. Sometimes it seems that things about the funeral stay on my mind. Then one day I take a breath and realize that my mind has slowed. It never stops thinking about Rach, I have said that before. I tried to make Kennedy understand that its OK to miss her, and to be sad. I know how it can make you feel you are crazy. The night before the funeral, when we were getting ready to leave from visitation, I asked them to keep the music on for Rach. She always had music on. I wonder if they said they would just so I would feel better...or leave.

"All our sorrow will end, and our voices will blend, With the loved ones who've gone on before."

I have heard of a land on the far away strand, Tis a beautiful home of the soul; Built by Jesus on high, where we never shall die, Tis a land where we never grow old.

Never grow old, never grow old, In a land where well never grow old; Never grow old, never grow old, In a land where well never grow old.

In that beautiful home where well never more roam, We shall be in the sweet by and by; Happy praise to the King through eternity sing, Tis a land where we never shall die.

When our work here is done and the life crown is won, And our troubles and trials are oer; All our sorrow will end, and our voices will blend, With the loved ones who've gone on before.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

" I just wish I would have gotten up earlier and talked to her for even 30 seconds. Then the 18 wheeler would have missed her...why didn't I just get up".

My sweet Kennedy has carried this around for 22 months. You can only imagine the struggle for words that I had

and still have.

I can only keep repeating the phrase that we learned at camp.

"When I can't, Jesus can."

Monday, July 18, 2011

Setting Sail

I leave today to take ten girls to church camp. Last year was amazing, so I am as excited as the girls are to go. Both of my girls will be going with me. This is Kennedy's last year for this camp. That is the only hard part. Realizing again how fast they grow and what she will soon have to face in this world. I had been trying to decide what to bring with me to camp as a little "wink". And then yesterday morning my sweet friend solved that problem for me. She gave me this beautiful bracelet with Rachs verse on it.

I see that same verse being used to help others in my family too, and each time in such a different and special way. As I was gathering up my things for camp, I came across one of Rachs Bibles. I had set the ribbon to 1 Corinthians 13, and when I opened it there were those perfect heart clovers that I had found that day at her garden. My heart was filled with love. I actually even smiled.




Last years theme was Live Love. We sang about love is patient love is kind...there were hearts everywhere. This year the theme is Set Sail and the verse for the week is Psalms 113 3
From the sunrise in the east to the sunset in the west, may the name of the Lord be praised.

...hearts and sunsets...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Taking a break

Last week the girls and I made a much needed visit to our favorite spot, Moody Gardens. We stayed 3 days and 2 nights. We had a great time. I go there to relax and BE with the girls. The days are long and full but it doesn't keep my mind from going to the same places it always goes to. Just like the girls have certain things they have to see and do while they are there, I have my things too

The sunsets when we are there are so incredible. Every night is so different , and so perfect. I also love the penguins, the macaroni penguins.

I saw a lot of new things on this visit too. Things that really make you think about God and how He created all these amazing things and how powerful He truly is. And how my mind will never understand how all those things are in the ocean, and each one perfectly created .

Its hard to believe that this will be a shark. But that is just God. I look at all the flowers and see such beauty. A butterfly can bring a tear to my eye just because after everything it goes through, they are only on this earth for a short time....

and it always comes back to Rach...

There are so many things I don't understand. I realized on the way home ,while all these things were going through my mind ,that I spend too much time trying to "understand" . Not one time in the Bible does God ever ask me to UNDERSTAND anything. He just ask me to trust have faith ...and that only has to be the size of a very tiny seed. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart ....and lean not on your own understanding".... I guess KK was trying to tell me something...back on April the 14.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Her unsong song

I needed to take some time to regroup from all the VBS activities and, well just from trying to get through each day. In the middle of all of that, more fuel was thrown onto the fire that my family has been walking through.It is not my story to tell so I will keep it private. But is has had a huge impact on my family. All I will say is that I am still trusting God to take care of ALL of this. While in the middle of this crisis(a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life), I went into the pretty room to put back a dvd that Robin and Dakota had "borrowed" from Rach. I went to set it on the stack of the others and I noticed what was on the top. It said " Strong Enough". I thought it was also a dvd, so I went to put it in my computer . While I was looking at it, I realized it was a cd. It was actually an accompaniment cd. What I was holding was the song my Rach never got to sing. The words to this song fit so perfectly to everything we were going through . Just when I thought I had found all there is to find... God gave me this...

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed,renewed, and find forgiveness find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again.