Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Pinky rings and other things

"A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart".

My brothers sweet friend takes lots of photos for me at Kennedys volleyball games. When I first saw this picture(before I cropped it down), I immediately went to my husbands hand. At first glance you probably think "wow, isn't he a cool dude..he wears a pinky ring". The day before the funeral my mom gave me several silver pieces of jewelry.Some necklaces , hearts, just different "special" things for us to wear. In the mix was the ring he has on his pinky . It simply says RACHEL. He hasn't taken it off since that day. Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. My husband wears that ring and carries Rachel in his heart, but he does it for himself. I wear things and go to town wishing someone would ask me about it...please let me tell you why I have this on. But that is me. That is my way. I guess the point of this post is ..maybe things aren't always the way they seem. Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge what someone wears, or what they put on their car, or on a billboard , or on the side of the road. Walk in my shoes for just on day.Or if not me someone else you know that has had to bury a child . Things we do might seem different to you, or maybe hard for you to understand.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love..2Peter 1:5-7...
and it always comes back to love ..

Thursday, September 22, 2011

In the quiet

I feel like I haven't stopped mentally or physically for days. Getting up at 5:30 to make lunches and then staying up with my thoughts has been exhausting. The other morning I noticed it was way to quiet . KK said "the bird feeder is empty". She was right. With everything that had been going on the past few weeks, I had let the seed run out but was too "out "of it myself to know. I just knew I was missing something. Now jump ahead about 14hours....
I had just sat down on the couch to maybe watch a little tv and Kennedy poked her head in my room and asked me if I would please blowdry her hair because she was too tired to do it. Honestly, my first thoughts were" what do you think I did all day"?? As I was taking a minute to go thru my list in my mind, the other part of my brain that is linked to my heart started saying.." what would I give to be able to fix Rachel's hair..just one more time"... what would I give..My hands were always in that girls hair. I cut it, I hi lighted it, I styled it for name it. " yes sweetie, I will dry it for you". ' I hope when she gets older it is the things that I do for her and with her, and not the things that I buy her that she remembers .I wrote all that to say, its amazing how many new things I still find that I miss about Rach . I guess having a reminder of how sometimes you really don't miss something...until its gone helped me to understand a quote I have in my home..

“We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten.”


Saturday, September 17, 2011

We are the champions

A little after midnight I was startled awake. I grabbed my computer and saw where my sister and some close friends were on facebook thinking of Rachel too. I got up and for some reason I went into the kids bathroom. I never do that, especially at night. As I walked in on the floor right by the toilet was this little red heart

I don't know how it got there, I just know that it was there.

Well, Kennedy's team came in 1st place in the tournament. I don't know how she was able to play. She carries so much in her heart. I am just amazed by her and how she overcomes.She played from her heart today... Every game. She was the first person to serve today, and she was the last.This is the serve that won the tournament. It all played out like a movie. She was able to make plays that were just amazing.After they had won and were all huddled together is when I began to silently cry. I was so proud and so moved. I am so thankful that God gave us some joy this weekend. This day 2 years ago I began to live minute by minute. Last year I left town for the I watched my child Live her dream..thank you God for today.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Hope for tomorrow

Well, we won ALL of our volleyball games tonight. It was such an exciting night. Kennedy put her stamp on before she went to school. I wore Rachel's Pirate tshirt to the game. It was just amazing to watch. I know tomorrow morning I will be busy because they play early, but don't think for one minute that my Rach is not on my mind every second. So many "winks" today..soo many..Thank you God for them..thank you all for continuing to stay here with me ..and thank you God for my beautiful Rachel.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

There you'll be

"There are just some things a mother should not have to do"....I remember so well standing at the counter in the office of our local paper just days after the funeral almost two years ago, with my photo and my scribbled piece of paper...barely able to form a sentence. I handed it all to the lady and just stared at her. The lady looked at me and said those words..
As I was trying to put together something for the newspaper again, those words kept pouring through my mind. And then trying to come up with 1 picture, 1 thing to say. I second guess everything ..because it never feels like it is enough. I wanted this photo because I love how I feel when I see it. And I am so grateful to Tammy Silvestrini, for creating it for me. These words are from the song that Michelle sang at the funeral.( If you click on the photo it will get bigger.)

I sat on the couch Monday after I had spent the morning trying to get this photo to print, struggling through the day. When my husband came home he sat with me and I told him how the day went. Through his own tears he asked " why is this year so much harder"..I don't know ..what I do know is that God is still walking with me. On the way to the paper I stopped to get gas. As soon as I got out of my car , a butterfly came out of nowhere and led me in to the store. I thought that was amazing. When I came back out to pump my gas , a feather was laying right by my door. Like the words to the song say...and everywhere I am ..there you'll be.

****after I wrote this I went back to read it on "the blog"..when I clicked on the photo..I noticed the quote above the picture for the first time..perfect

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Stamp of approval

I took the girls to town to find a stamp for Kennedy to wear in her volleyball games. The first "craft" store was awful. All the stamps were in a bin, it was just too hard. We went to hobby lobby next. I had already looked at theirs and knew it was all organized. I tried showing her some things and she, of course, had her own ideas. She wanted a Calla lily.....didn't have it...then she saw this one and grabbed it and said" this is it...and I want green has to be was Rachel's favorite color".

It was a very hard thing for her to do. There were a few tears as she was standing and staring at the wall of stamps. It all reminds you of her...and when the tears would come, sweet little KK would turn into a little comedian to try to make us laugh...pleading for us to laugh. What an outpouring of love for sisters in a craft store. But then the conversation took us down another road..we had to ask the coach where she could wear the stamp.I told Kennedy I would take care of that. Her coach's response to what we had decided to get was "that's awesome"! Anywhere but on her face or hand..perfect.
Love never fails.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Going up?

I am seven days into September and it has already been overwhelming. I will find out today which team Kennedy is on. If she is on the A team, they have a tournament on Saturday .....the 17th. I don't know if this is good or bad. I see myself sitting in the stands weeping as I watch this child,who everyday reminds me more and more of Rachel,play volleyball. The coach assigned them their number already, she did not get to pick it. Her number is 16. Pretty darn close huh?. I was trying to think of something that Kennedy could wear for the game that would not interfere with playing. Something that she couldn't outgrow, or that would break easy. I thought about a stamp. Some kind of stamp that she could put on her arm, or wherever to remind her of Rach. My choice would not probably not be the same as Kennedys so I will let her pick it out. I am trying to move forward thru this time. I have tried to come up with ways to make you understand. Its not fear that keeps me from moving . I tried to explain it to my sister. I just feel like I am waiting. Like if you were at a train station, or a busy bus station. I see people moving and getting on and going ..and I want to go ..but I stay. Or remember when you were little and you were faced with getting on the up escalator ??? Standing and waiting for the perfect time to step...not too soon, wait ....wait.. not afraid to step...just waiting for it to feel right to step on. That's how I feel. I am not afraid to move up, or forward..It just doesn't feel like this step is for me..right now.

“She wasn’t where she had been. She wasn’t where she was going… but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn’t fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one… And two, you can live completely without complete understanding. .......She was on her way.” -