Going up?

I am seven days into September and it has already been overwhelming. I will find out today which team Kennedy is on. If she is on the A team, they have a tournament on Saturday .....the 17th. I don't know if this is good or bad. I see myself sitting in the stands weeping as I watch this child,who everyday reminds me more and more of Rachel,play volleyball. The coach assigned them their number already, she did not get to pick it. Her number is 16. Pretty darn close huh?. I was trying to think of something that Kennedy could wear for the game that would not interfere with playing. Something that she couldn't outgrow, or that would break easy. I thought about a stamp. Some kind of stamp that she could put on her arm, or wherever to remind her of Rach. My choice would not probably not be the same as Kennedys so I will let her pick it out. I am trying to move forward thru this time. I have tried to come up with ways to make you understand. Its not fear that keeps me from moving . I tried to explain it to my sister. I just feel like I am waiting. Like if you were at a train station, or a busy bus station. I see people moving and getting on and going ..and I want to go ..but I stay. Or remember when you were little and you were faced with getting on the up escalator ??? Standing and waiting for the perfect time to step...not too soon, wait ....wait.. not afraid to step...just waiting for it to feel right to step on. That's how I feel. I am not afraid to move up, or forward..It just doesn't feel like this step is for me..right now.

“She wasn’t where she had been. She wasn’t where she was going… but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn’t fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one… And two, you can live completely without complete understanding. .......She was on her way.” -