Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Just Maybe

This weekend I finally had the courage to go through the last box of
Rachel's " things". It was full of photos, cards(she kept them ALL), report cards, medals, it was such a mix of things. I had gone through all of it before, but I still always have the hope of finding a treasure. I was halfway through the box when I came upon these two pieces of paper folded and tucked in between some cards. I knew as soon as I glanced over that I had not seen it before.There was no date and no name only these printed words.

Just maybe.

Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe … when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe … it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe … the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe … the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe … you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe … there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate
them more.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swin with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you have ever had.

Maybe should always try to put yourself in others shoes.If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person too. should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is to simply leave them alone. someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. do not expect love in return..just wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it doesn't be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe...happiness waits for those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all of those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives. should not go for looks, they can only decieve..don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smke to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy. should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Just maybe.....God will continue to place these special gifts where I can find them.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Hot Heart

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a Hot Hearts convention with my girls and the youth at our church. It is a two day event with speakers, bands, and other entertainment. It was amazing. Hot Hearts was a huge influence on Rachel. She loved it and always came away from them charged up.The theme for the event was
Galatians 5:1
1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
It was to give us a foundation to stand firm on once we left .To be willing to stand at school,home, or wherever for Christ. I got that message, but for me personally God had another word. (Literally) It was the word FREE. It kept coming up for me in scriptures, in songs, just throughout the weekend it was as the scripture that they base the event on says

And they said to one another, "Were not our hearts burning within us while He was speaking to us on the road, while He was explaining the Scriptures to us?" -Luke 24:32,
That word was burning in my heart. I have freedom from a lot of things because of Jesus. I choose to not accept it, or claim it. There are so many verses that talk about freedom. How he has made us free, set us free, rescued us, delivered us, etc..
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered by setting me free. (Psalm 118:5)
I am not talking about a freedom to do as I please, I am talking about how grief, guilt, worry, how we worship, other people, and many other things keep us in bondage. How quickly these things can distort our lives and our truth. God kept showing me in my life how I allowed these things to rob me of my joy. My hope is to continue to be willing to see the things that He is trying to reveal to me. There is a verse that many people like to say part of. If you back up and read the verse before it , it goes well with what I just said.

31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;

32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free..

IF...IF you continue in my word. You shall know the truth..and the truth shall set you free. I knew something great was going to happen there. Within the first 30 minutes I had two special Rachel moments. The first one was from ,of course ,the comedians there. They were doing funny imitations of people that might would be hosting the event. They did a bad Bill Cosby, someone else I don't even remember, and then the guy did Chewbacca...for about 2 minutes he made that sound. That is one if my favorite laughs with Rachel We were in my car and I attempted to a Chewbacca, and failed. She spent the next hour, and many days latter, trying to do it and perfect it. We laughed until we had major tears. I think about that time so often. The next nod was from the mentalist. He picked a random girl out of the crowd and put her in a imaginary scenario. She walked in a bookstore, opened a book, pretended to turn to a page and picked out one word. Then the guy pulls out a sealed envelope with her word on it. He unfolded a huge piece of paper that said in big bold letters
L O V E.
Of any word this teenage girl could have dreamed was my word.
There was so much packed in to those 2 days. I should have videoed every part so I could share it all with you, and go back and see it again when I start to drift away. I am doing some serious searching and I hope you continue to follow me on my journey.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A picture of love

My husband takes my girls shopping every Christmas. They really love picking out special presents for me. They are very different from year to year, so I am always surprised when I open them. This year I kinda hinted that Kirklands was one of my favorite stores. I'm so glad they listened. Kennedy picked out a pair of pictures for me. My husband said as soon as she saw them she wanted knew it was for me. When I peeled back the paper, the first thing I saw was the Calla Lilly and the word LOVE.

I could see Kennedy trying to read my face, so I was very careful in how I looked at her. She looked at her gift and then looked at me again with a different look on her face. " I didn't know it said that"..I read the rest of the phrase.---As if you've never been hurt----." I think its perfect, absolutely perfect",I told her. The other picture said " Laugh as if no one is watching". I hung them in my bedroom, right across from my bed so I see them first thing in the morning . I have reread that quote many times..Love as if you've never been hurt. There are so many ways that applies in my life. I'm just not sure how good I will be at trying to apply it. When your heart has been broken in two , its a very slow healing . I love how God uses my kids to put in my face what I am struggling with. In my Bible studies, the word love seems to be a constant lately too.

1 John 4:16-19 ESV So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.

Maybe that is what 'perfect love " loves like it has never been hurt.
Picture perfect Love.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

My crib

Having raised five children in our home, I couldn't wait to get out of the baby phase where Everything the baby needs seems to be in the living room. I just wanted to have my house back. And so finally the day came when I could explain to a four year old that this is now mommy's room. Your toys go in your room. And then a few years later, I watched that little girls heart break as she said goodbye to her sister. I watched a little girl who had always been clingy, need to be surrounded by others even more. Now you can walk into any given room in my house and find some of her toys.

My bed

My tub

Yes there are times when I sit on a Barbie and think...this needs to stop. Or as I slide into the tub only to have a littlest pet shop animal or a very hard dolphin pierce the tender part of my foot, I think it is time to get a grip. But then the reality of how quickly things can or will change enters my mind. Very soon that little girl will turn into a teeneager and my bathtub will only have old lady bath lotions on it. There is a verse in the Bible that says

“Where no oxen are, the crib is clean: but much increase is by the strength of the ox.” --Prov. 14:4
In other words...if you want to have the ox you, have to be willing to put up with the poo.
So move over Yoshi and Barbi...I'm coming in!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

What could Possibly happen

When I posted the first day of this new year about all its "possibilities" , I really didn't have a clue what would happen next. How could I have possibly known that my water line under the bathroom sink would break...and flood part of my house. And then on Wednesday morning, I would break my toe. I was not prepared to deal with either one, but I managed to handle both of them. I fixed the water line, and taped up my toe. What caught me most off guard was what happened Wednesday night. As I hobbled in to the gym to teach my class at church, one of my sweet little boys came running up to me with his hand held out in a fist. He smiled at me and said" here Mrs. Suzette, I found this for you" could I have possibly known what would be placed in my hand....

A heart.....holding a heart...."carrying a heart". Yes John, you did find that for me.
A Godwink at couldn't possibly get any better than that !

Sunday, January 1, 2012

If I were a butterfly

Well, hello 2012.
I went today, this first day of the year, to Rachel's garden. This year already holds so much possibility for me. I am hoping to be in a place where I can reach out more to others and not be so consumed with my own pain. I have been in a place that I refer to as a cocoon. I have been wrapped up in my thoughts and have been being still and waiting. I am hoping that this year is the time that I get to spread my wings. I went today and set out some new flowers and of course some butterflies. To me, butterflies are such a symbol of transformation. What a massive amount of transition this tiny creature goes through in such a short time. Imagine your whole life changing to the point that you are unrecognizable. That is the part that is so symbolic to me. The butterfly never questions what is changing in her life and in her body. If only we could be more like the butterfly as we go through transitions. Spending our time being angry and worrying is wasted time. The butterfly is an example of keeping the faith no matter how things are changing. We are all on our own journey with endless turns and shifts, and at the end we are changed. We are not at all the same person as when we first stepped out on our path. I know I have stumbled so much, and don't have the gracefulness of a butterfly, but I am thankful for the unmerited grace that I do have through my Jesus.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

“Lord I crawled across the barrenness to you with my empty cup uncertain in asking any small drop of refreshment. If only I had known you better I'd have come running with a bucket.” -Nancy Spiegelberg

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do