Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

We like sheep

I took my girls (plus a friend) to our state fair. The last time we went, Rachel was with us. I had wrote on here how hard it was for her to watch her little sisters ride the rides. She didn't think it was safe, she was afraid her littlest sister would try to stand up, she was a mess. Guess who was a mess last night?
It all started out ok, but then the reality of what I was looking at began to sink in. People flock in to these arenas like mindless sheep. We allow ourselves to be dangled by wires and chains, and slung around on rail. All of this put together and operated by people that we don't know anything about (scary carnival man) ... As I watched my child hang upside down with only a bar and a strap of material holding her in, I started to realize that once you've seen behind the curtain ( just like on the Wizard of Oz) you are never the same. Losing a child changes everything.
I also started to question why we were so willing to trust these strangers
with our life, but we aren't willing to do the same with God. We only are willing to get on the "merry go round" with Him. Anything that causes unpleasant feelings, we panic. But just for fun...let me get spun around so much my brain scrambles ..
Yes I know...its just a carnival...its just something I thought about..and just another way my life has been changed.

Psalm 118:5-6, 8 (NLT) In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and rescued me. The Lord is for me, so I will not be afraid… It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in people.

Friday, March 23, 2012

How Marvelous

I woke up very early with a line from a song going full blast in my head.
It is from a song that I had played (as best I could) on our piano or organ when I was a kid. We always had one or both to play on. I remember playing this song because well, it was easy. Now let me back up to yesterday. I posted on my Facebook that the first concert I had ever attended was KC and the Sunshine band. I asked my friends to share what theirs was. As I was writing the post I added in parenthesis that "actually my first concert was the know Dottie"...but then I took it off . Well this morning as I was having my very early quiet time on the computer, I typed in my song because I was going to work it in to a blog..well..guess who wrote the song.. DOTTIE RAMBO!!!!!

The story to the song is beautiful

In 1970, Dottie began writing a song about the grace of God, but was unable to finish it. When her older brother was hospitalized with cancer and told that he had only weeks to live, Dottie sat by his bedside and ministered to him. Within a few days, she persuaded him to marry the woman who had borne him five children. Dottie read the Bible to him and prayed with him. One day, after singing at a concert, she returned to ask: “Have you given your life to Jesus since I’ve been gone?”

Eddie, 37, stared at her with sad eyes. “After the wicked life I’ve lived, the Lord won’t raise a person like me,” he muttered. He reminded her of his time in jail and his addiction to drugs and alcohol.

“The Lord left the 99 to bring a lost sheep like you back to the fold,” Dottie told him. She continued to pray for his salvation. Then she went home and finished “He Looked Beyond My Fault.” For years Jimmie Davis, the southern gospel singer and former Louisiana governor, had asked her to write a song to the tune of “Danny Boy.” With this song, she finally discovered the inspiration. Later that day, she returned to the hospital to sing the song to Eddie.”

We see people preach on TV and we hear them sing on the radio and we think they have these perfect lives. Dottie and her family had a great love for the Lord and it poured out in her songs, but their life was not free from trials. I think sometimes we let our circumstances keep us from doing what is truly in our heart. God looks beyond our faults, we should too.I know I have failed miserably at times when I have been so consumed with my grief, but I am so grateful that God could see beyond me and my many flaws and supply me with enough grace to tell my story and allow me be able to see the beauty of my childs life daily in my life.
It is a very short song, but every word is so beautiful.

Amazing Grace..Will always be my song of praise.
For it was grace, that bought me liberty,
I do not know, just why He came to love me so.
He looked beyond my faults and saw my need.

I shall forever lift mine eyes to Calvary,
To view the cross, where Jesus died for me
How marvelous, His grace that caught my falling soul
He Looked beyond my faults and saw my need.

Dottie was also known to rock the side did my Rach.
Thanks for the wake up call Dottie ..

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Painted heart

A couple of weeks ago, I asked a very talented young lady at my church if she would paint a picture for me. I had seen some of her paintings and they were amazing. She is all of 13 years old . I have taken her to GA camp, taught her in Sunday School,and I teach her currently on Wednesday nights in Flight school. Her mother and her grandparents sang at Rachels funeral. We have a connection. I told her that I was going to tell her what was in my heart and I wanted her to paint it. I said "Madison here is my sentence that I say all the time"...
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.
Now go paint that for me. She did.

She brought it to me last Wednesday night, and it blew me away. The halo, the green butterfly, the yellow rose, was just full of symbols to me. Things that she had no idea about. The green butterfly- of course green was Rachels favorite color, but the way that butterfly is painted is what is so important. My mother had a huge butterfly IDENTICAL to it that she brought out to Rachels garden. The yellow rose instantly made me think of Belle from Beauty and the Beast , Rachs favorite movie. The halo, well, I'm sure you know why the halo was there. The angel wings covering the heart...perfect. I knew I would love the painting but I never expected it to be so personal. What a treasure . What a gift.There is a verse in Ephesians that talks about the eyes of your heart ...
"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints"

I have talked many times about seeing things differently because of my grief. What a gift this young girl has. And what a gift she has given to me.

Open the eyes of my heart Lord,
Open the eyes of my heart,
I want to see You. I want to see You.

To see You high and lifted up,
Shining in the light of Your glory.
Pour out Your power and love,
As we sing holy, holy, holy.

I want to see you.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Where ya going?

I came across this one night while I was Not sleeping.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson.

Chapter 1:

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes
forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2:

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t

believe I am in this same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still

takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3:

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in … it’s a habit … but my

eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out


Chapter 4:

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the

sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5:

I walk down a different street.

I instantly could see how this related to grief, addiction, eating many things that we wrestle with daily. After I read this a couple of times, I started to think that for me personally, parts of it didnt fit. When I had fallen down into my dark holes, I knew I was not alone. I did feel at times that people didn't really understand the depths of my pain.But I always knew that God was right there with me. I also knew that I would not stay down in that hole forever. Sometimes it just felt more comfortable in the darkness. I know you don't understand that. I still wrestle with being "out of the hole". I don't have guilt for not being as sad I had been(believe me, I still have many sad days) just feels like I'm not in my skin.That deep sadness is all I have known for over 2 years. You hold on so tightly to everything that you feel for the person that you lost because it almost feels like...thats all you have left of them..and you don't want to lose that too.The truth is, we all have choices daily that we have to make. Choices in how we treat others, and how we treat ourselves.
Proverbs 4:26 says " Ponder the path of your feet".
I think that best sums up what the poem was trying to say.
Ponder the path of your feet..

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Her Guarded Heart

I have worried a lot about how my kids are handling their grief. I know each child is different; they are different ages and they are very different people. I know too that they have watched my every move and tear. The other day Kennedy mentioned that she got a lot of high marks on a paper she had written. I asked her what she had wrote about and she said it had to be on someone special. I asked well who was is? She said I wrote about Rachel. I asked her why I was just now hearing about it..and she said she didn't want to upset me. I asked her if I could read it and she said sure. I breezed through it trying to make sure that I showed NO emotion except a smile. She also said she had to read it to the class. Let me just say how beautiful her paper was. It was so well written. Put that aside..imagine reading it to your classmates. I was so proud of her. I was also relieved to know that my child is OK. I asked her if it was hard for her to read it and she said almost the very same words that I have said to people I LOVE TALKING ABOUT HER.
So here it her own words..from her heart...her truth..


A lot of girls or other siblings might find it maddening to have had an older sister; but not me! I had an extraordinary sister , Rachel Ann Clark, for the first eleven years of my life. RaRa was always into sports. Her favorite was volleyball. She also played soccer and softball when she was about my age.Unfortunately she quit her great talent for sports at the end of her sophomore year. One hobby that we have in common is that we have a passion for video games. I remember side by side with her we conquered Rayan, Mario, Catwoman and best of all Zelda. When I was about five, I played her gamecube so much she became enraged. For Christmas a month later I got my own Gamecube! We both thought Zelda was the best video game ever. Another interest we have in common is that we love to read. Reading is one of the many things that Ra Ra did. I bet she can read the whole Harry Potter series in one day!She probably read half of the fiction books in the library by the time she finished High school. Everyone that she knows remembers how hilarious Ra Ra was before she died. She would always take funny pictures of herself. Also she wasn't obnoxious about it like some people. Ra Ra also loved every kind of music. The only music she didn't care for was my favorite music..screamo music. Although she didn't despise it the way I do country music, she cold live without it. Speaking of music, I bet she had the best singing voice in high school. Rachel Clark is the most lovely girl that ever walked the earth. Never did she need make up to look beautiful. Greatly modest. Her hair was as gorgeous as a princess. It was brown, blonde and straight.Best of all, she had the greatest soul.
Ra Ra was kind,sweet, generous , a good Christian, and the best older sister ever.

After she read her paper, there was a time for questions. One of the questions a classmate asked was if it was hard to read the paper.She told them the same thing she told me..

Even in the depths of our sadness, there is a special place in our hearts that is guarded ..that is impenetrable by this darkness of grief. That is the place where faith, hope , and love are formed...
and the greatest of these is Love.