Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

My Miss Princess


Well she didn't place in the pageant.I have a real hard time letting her do them in the first place. I don't ever want Kennedy to feel that she is not beautiful enough.Not that I want her to think she is prettier than others,I just want her to know how very special she is.She did great before,during and after the pageant.She has a great attitude.Her smile after NOT winning is as big ,if not bigger, than it was before.I think it was just harder for me this year because I have seen Kennedy have so many sad days, I just didn't want to see another one.She handled it better than I could have.I have never heard her say anything bad about any part of it.She just does them and takes what she gets..she'll get a crown day.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Pageants and Playing

Thank you all for the words of encouragement I received from the last post.A lot of them were not written here, but were personally said to me.Sometimes I forget when I am writing this blog that OTHER people actually read it,but I am so glad that you do.
My days seem to be getting shorter and shorter.The pageant is this Saturday night.I thought we would never find a dress.Finally, I found one on the Internet, and we go to the ladies house to try it on.It is a very soft rose color.Kennedy doesn't like pink, but ,this dress looked beautiful in the photo.I told her to humor me and try it on,but not to be rude if she didn't like it. It looked so pretty on ....The lady left the room and I looked at Kennedy and she shook her head yes..I said do you like it? She said I LOVE IT!!!! I said are you sure???and then she got that look that I have seen so many times....I could barely hear her words...she said " Its so soft, and beautiful..and it reminds me of Rachel".....I just smiled and kissed her head and said " I think its perfect"...sooo now we are practicing for pageant and our praise band is playing Sunday morning, and I have in the midst of all this decided to sing for the first time in church since September...I love the song I have chosen.I was going to sing a different song ,but it just kept getting pushed back.I think this is the song I needed to sing. Another young lady at church is supposed to be singing a little harmony with me....she keeps trying to get me to do it all by myself....we'll see. The first time I heard this song I loved it...

I'd Need A Savior - Among the Thirsty

How many names
Can I use to explain
The love of my Jesus
The life that He gave
And so many times
Will I praise You today
I lift up my life
Cause You're always the same
And my offering
To you I bring

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior

How many songs
Can I sing to proclaim
Your wondrous love
Oh and beauty so great
Oh and, What would I say
If You brought down the rain
And everyday I walked through the pain
My heart would still say…

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior.

Your what I hold on too,
I know that you brought me through,
All the days of loss and to the cross You knew,
That I'd need a Savior
I'd need a Savior,
I need You Savior.

Friday, March 19, 2010


This week has been so hard.I think a lot of my sorrow was actually left over from last week on spring break.I held so much in because I wanted the little girls to be able to just ,well, be little girls.They smiled and laughed the whole week. I smiled too ,and held my memories and my sorrow in.Well, it all came out this week.There were also a lot of things new to face.The headstone, the six month marker...Rachs sweet friend Brittni reminded me that from now on every 17th of March ,everyone will be wearing Rachs favorite color..I knew I had been in the "fog" of grief ,but I have realized that after I am through it I always have more clarity about something that has really been on my heart,or something really good happens. I realize it is all a slow process,and I know it WILL get better.I was feeling so low on the 17th and so many friends sent me sweet messages about how I encourage them and inspire them...which made me twinge at first because I just was feeling so low.But then this morning happened.It was so foggy this morning,so grey and just funky.As I was taking the girls to school I looked over ,as I do every morning, to look for the sun .I love seeing the sun rises and the sunsets(I hope you know why).When I looked over this morning ,I really didn't expect to see much because of the fog.Oh my gosh...the sun was so bright you could hardly look at it.It was just this huge ball of light shining, and through the trees you could see the rays cutting through the fog.It was breath taking.So much so that I had to pull my car over.And thats when I realized what a I was seeing was a great reflection of my life.The fog of grief in my heart,in my head, in my whole being .And then there is the SON...shining so bright and cutting through all my grief and pain.But's the thing.How many people drove passed it or through this morning and never saw it.They never even turned their heads to see the sun.Its the same way with The SON. He's there...always,just like the sun , but can you see Him or feel Him in YOUR darkness.And then there are those that even though I wasn't seeing Him, they could see Him working through me.So for today,the fog has not lifted, I can just see "the light" shining through it.My goal is to be able to use I I W W M S as my mantra..It Is Well With My the words slowly....

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Finding the right words

Today I went to the monument place to tell them what to engrave on the headstone.After everything else I have already had to deal with,I don't understand why this was so hard.I was a mess before I ever even got to the place.Its just words....written in stone.The ladies there are so understanding.It took a while ,but I think I got it like I wanted it. It will be another 3 to 4 weeks before it will be in place.That will be another hurdle,but it too will be ok.It will be hard, but I know it will be ok.I wanted to share this song that I wrote a while back.It was all I could think about today when I was trying to figure it all out.
keep in mind,its a rough draft....

When your lowest isn't kneeling
when your dreams are in the ground.
when you feel your heart is breaking
but you cannot make a sound
look up and see me shining.
look up and see me fall.
I'm in every sun thats rising
I hear your whispers call

I'm here
I'm here.

I know your days are lonely
and sleep is sweet relief.
that phony smile you're wearing
just doesn't hide your grief.
so dry your eyes my darling
and open up your heart.
and let my love come in and know
we'll never be apart.

I'm here
I'm here

One day the dark will shatter
and you will find your peace.
the joy will be endless
and no more will you grieve.
the loneliness wont matter
because you ll finally see
the love that you have carried,
has carried you to me.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Spring Break

This past week was our spring break.I knew this was going to be a long hard week.I spent every spring break with Rach up and until last year.Her job keep her from going with us,BUT as usual, we were on the phone together constantly.Usually on our spring breaks we would go to my sisters house in Houston and hang out,and shop,and go to the zoo etc.A couple of years ago we got to go to Sea World with my sister and her family. It was very hard this year to go to Houston,but that is what the girls wanted to do. It was a really good trip.This year my husband was with us. We spent a full day in Houston and then spent a day at Moody Gardens in Galveston.We came home regrouped and headed to the lake.Thats when it got hard for me.We are fortunate to have a very generous sister-n-law who ,without hesitation, gives us the keys to her lake house.We have spent many days there. I drove many times to the lake with Rachel right there with me.She wasn't able to go this past summer because of her job,again, but we spoke and texted nonstop.We have so many memories at the lake, with ALL of the kids.I am so thankful that we were given the opportunity to go as often as we did.I know Kennedy especially remembers it all. She said she needed to go to the lake to find her memories..They had a good time. I found myself thinking nonstop about Rachel just like I always do, but it was different kinds of memories.The girls wanted to talk a lot about Rach. They weren't sad,they just wanted to hear stories.I was more than glad to share with them.Kenny is always good at telling stories too. Rach was his biggest fan.She would sit with him and say " tell me about ..." she loved to hear him talk about the good ol days.I will be posting more about the trip.I just wanted to update so you wouldn't think I gave up.Some very interesting things happened this week.Right now, I need sleep.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Joy in the morning

Yesterday after having a wonderful Saturday with the little girls,I went to Rachels garden .Thats the way it is for me.It just hits me and I need to go. I go just to be sure its all ok.I go to pray.For whatever reason ,I go.Yesterday when we got there, my mom and dad were there.My mom makes sure that there are always beautiful flowers there. When I walked up I noticed she had put the new ones out,and I noticed my angel was not there.I asked them about it, and they had not moved it.It was gone.I honestly don't think it was just a random angel stealing.I think someone took Rachels angel.There are much prettier angels ,and other decorations in that cemetery.I thought I was going to throw up.It just really made me sick that someone would just take something like that. Today well ,I'm over it,. I refuse to let that take me further down into a place that I don't want to be in. I struggle daily to walk in the light.Maybe whoever took that angel just misses Rachel so much that they needed it...had to have it. Maybe they took it to put on their loved ones grave, I don't know.What I do know is they can take my stuff ,but I refuse to let them rob me of one more day , or one more minute of joy.

"But to give the things you can not keep
For what you cannot lose
Is the way to find the joy
God has for you....
Hold on my child,Joy comes in the morning,"

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

More than words

I got word today that the headstone that I ordered is finally in.It took longer because I had some modifications made to it.This picture is it while they were working on it.I haven't seen it ,but the lady says it is just beautiful.Now comes the hard part. I have to try to decide what to have engraved on it.How can I possibly put in that small of a space the words to let people know how very special Rachel was. I want every person whoever stands by that grave to know ..Rachel was beautiful..Rachel was beautiful enough to be Miss America,and smart enough to be president.Rachel was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.She was loving,compassionate,and giving.If Rachel had 10 cents to her name ,she would give it to someone else if they needed it because she knew, somehow, she would be okay.Rachel hated to see people hurt.She always found time to listen to others and to let them know she cared and never missed an opportunity to tell them about her Jesus.Rachel was my best friend.Rachel was a best friend to many. Rachel was a loving sister.There aren't words to describe how much we miss her..Somehow just putting her name and "dates" on there just doesn't seem like enough. I've had all these months to think about this and now that it's here, I can't even sort it out.I need it to be perfect,I'll have to see it and read it every time I'm there. Everything else has been so much easier to do.The words for the eulogy just poured out of me.I can talk for hours about her,but I just cant put in a 2 foot space how very much I love her ...Our beautiful Rachel...