Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Allegory of the cave

I hate the end of July. Then its August. Then its September.
This year has been so hard emotionally. I have seen grief manifest itself in so many different ways in my life and in the lives of those that I love so dearly. This time though, it has had a different effect on me. It has quieted me. I have learned that grief is not only a circle ,( never ending), it is also like a hibernating grizzly bear. There are times when I am very aware that I am walking into its cave whether its by listening to a song, looking at pictures, or sharing memories, and I know ...I KNOW the bear is in there but I go on in. Sometimes I can just quietly sit and watch the bear and then leave having seen the beauty in it. But then there are times when I walk right up to it and poke it as hard as I can. And then I just stand there as grief mangles and mauls me ...again. Sometimes its not my fault . A friend or family lures me in the cave , and then they poke the grief grizzly and take off running leaving me too battle the giant...and then put the pieces of me back together. The hardest thing is seeing your child being mauled , and not being able to stop it.
' maybe if I be quiet will just go away". Its that kind of quiet.

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isiah 41:13

Lord you know I just can't make it by myself.
And you know I can't do anything without your help.
Oh Lord my faith gets weak and I need you to help me stand
Don't ever let go of my hand.

When these feet of mine grow tired
From walking mile after mile,
And when I think my faith is steady
Lord here comes Another trial.
When it seems the worlds against me
And no one understands
Don't ever let go of my hand.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

My View from The View

These past weeks have been flown by as I have been getting things ready once again for our churchs Vacation Bible school. There was much to do since I was co-directing this year plus doing all the talking and leading the singing...and decorating...and shopping....its been busy! But it is worth it. The smiles, the singing, seeing the kids be moved makes everything else disappear. While I was running around my house yesterday, I had The View on just to have something to listen too. Barbara Walters was talking about Nora Ephrons memorial service that was just held. She said there were at least 800 people in attendance. She said those numbers were generally for Heads of state or dignitaries...and I stopped and said very loudly to the TV...OR My Beautiful Daughter.(who had more than 800) So then I looked up the definition of the word Dignitary

Noun 1. dignitary - an important or influential person ,very important person, VIP important person, influential person, personage - a person whose actions and opinions strongly influence the course of events

I guess Barbra was right.