Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Friday, June 24, 2011

My bear hug

This week of VBS was really great. Last night was our finale night. After it was over and we were hugging each other and saying our thanks, one of our crew leaders (who was also Rachels youth leader) came up to me and hugged me and said " thanks for bringing Rachel up here with us this week, I saw it the first night " I was surprised and overcome at the same time. Of course he knew what it was because his daughter has one too. It is one of those things that you can't explain. As emotional as it sometimes is, I love when others say her name, or share a Rachel story with me. Just seeing the love helps to make me feel not so alone as I drift through this fog of grief.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Precious panda memories

Well, after many hours of shopping and planning,the stage was finally ready for our VBS. I have handled it all so much better than I did last year. I was afraid that when it came time, I would not be able to sing the one song that was the reason I picked this VBS. The first night was in a word...madness. But God took our mess and turned it into something beautiful. Tonight is the third night of our VBS . It seems like just when you get in the groove , it will soon be over. I love watching the kids sing, and get excited about praising God. I love seeing my own girls on stage with me, leading other kids in worship not because I am forcing them too but because they want to do it. I see so much of Rachel in them. One of Rachels sweet friends that helps me every year is up there again this year. My girls love being with her too. Kennedy asked her how long she had been friends with her sister. She just needs to know that people still love Rach too. No one has found my Rachel "wink" yet that I placed in the set. I know it's there, and I know she is there too, because ..
"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in
my heart.I am never without it.
Anywhere I go go,my dear."

let me know if you find it. if you click on the picture, it will get bigger.

Monday, June 13, 2011

My summer song

My summer song is sad and long.
It talks. Of love and pain.
Flowers bloom and birds still sing
But it always ends the same.
It always says Your name.

My summer songs The only song
My heart will ever sing.
Every starry sky, every butterfly
Will say hello and say goodbye
But they always say..your name.

Sometimes the summertime..
Can flood your soul with dreams.
Leave you wondering what it means..
Wishing it would wash away
The loneliness and drown the pain.

When summers gone my summer song
Will still be in my dreams.
Ill feel the warmth and won't forget
Every sun that I see set..
And how they always say....your name.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I have been very busy this week with vacation Bible school preparatons. Our theme is Pandamania. As soon as I saw the title of one of the songs, I knew this was the one we had to do. I'll give you the edited version....
The last song Rach and I sang together in church was "He knows my name" the Mcraes..We actually sang it at both churches that we attend. Not long after the funeral,my sweet friend brought me a CD of a song that she thought would bring me some comfort.The title was "He knows my name"...different version..but you can imagine my reaction when I saw the title. So, I'm flipping thru the vbs material and I see the music,and I see those four words...HE KNOWS MY NAME...I knew it was the one for us, since I lead the music. Really, I instantly felt drawn to this vbs and without a doubt wanted to do it. Every time we have thought that something would fall apart, God has taken care of it. I know that when vbs gets here, I will miss Rach more than ever. She was always there with me. I will put a little something on the stage as part of the decorations that represents her. Last year it was the sunset that I painted. This year'll just have to wait ...maybe I'll post a picture and let you try to find it.

"When I'm overwhelmed by the pain and can't see the light of day..I know I'll be just fine...cause He knows my name".

Rachel sang the first verse.... after much

Monday, June 6, 2011

Still living with your goodbye

We took a few days off and went to the lake. It was nice to be away,even tho it was a quick visit. I find myself to be in a place that I am not comfortable in. I feel like I keep hitting the same brick wall.I don't know what I can do, or need to do , different.It's like my own kind of "Groundhog Day"..I keep counting the months until September..its June already...July,August,...and then September. Maybe this is what they mean when they say the second year of grief is harder.This year flew by and so much of it is a blur,.but I keep telling myself it will get better. I see glimpses of "better" every now and then. I came across something today that made it better..

It is a CD Rach made for me a couple of years ago. You see it says "heart" Rach. She signed her name that way alot. If she wrote a note to me or one of her friends , it was heart and Rach.I am amazed at how many things I find with a heart on it that I never really paid attention to before. I love finding this CD. I am afraid that very soon there will be no more "winks" to find..I don't know what I will do then. But today, I am thankful for this one, and the smile that her smiley face gave me. I remember playing that cd with her in the car. She was my Tim .I was Faith Hill, and she was my Tim McGraw. Even tho she could sing circles around me, she was happy to just be the harmony and let me pretend. It was so easy to sing with her. It was something we did always. We knew what songs we had to sing on...and even tho she would say " I hate country music"..she would sing it with me..
I love you Rach.