Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I'm dreaming of ....

At 4:30 Thursday morning I had a very early Christmas present..I had a Rachel dream. I have had very few of them, so when I have one they are so intense.This one really wasn't so much of a story dream, it was just Rach. Her beautiful face kept coming in from the side of my view. The first thing I noticed was her huge smile. She would look at me and do that big smile with her eyes and her mouth. She also had really short hair. It was like one of those old school perms that all the moms used to wear. It felt so full of love and laughter. It was like she came just to tell me to smile..remember to smile....I'm here.. As I was out finishing my shopping I tried to do just made one last trip this morning..Christmas Eve morning, and bought some special heart things for the kids . While I was checking out I saw Rachel's face again. I remembered the dream and how she would throw her head back and laugh ..(maybe because of
her hair)..and I smiled. As I was walking out of the store a family had gathered by the Salvation Army can to are the words I heard as I stepped out the door...


"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you.... That's where I'll be waiting." ...(.me and the little girls watched Hook the other night..I remembered this line from the movie)
Merry Christmas sweet friends.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I wanna know what LOVE is

I honestly don't remember a time when I had so many loving reminders of Rachel in such a short period of time. Like I said before, everywhere I go I see the same three words..LOVE NEVER FAILS..
Sometimes I wonder what it is I am missing about them. Is it the simple message or is it something bigger..something that I haven't learned. I wonder if it is simply Gods way of reminding me of the fact that He is in control, and He knows I will respond to those words. Maybe I truly haven't learned to live that kind of love..the kind that never fails. I just know that this Christmas I have become very aware of those three words. I gave presents with those words on them, and I recieved presents with those words on them also. I think the one that affected me the most was this beautiful handmade pen that my nieces boyfriend made. He gets olive wood from the holy city of Bethlehem and makes these incredibly beautiful pens.We opened them all at the same time, and when I saw mine it was as if I had never seen those words before. It took my breath away.

I felt the same as when I heard each of my children say "I love you" for the first time. You hear those words all your life ,but then when it comes from your baby for the first time it is as if you had never heard it that way ..or felt that kind of love. I pray that this Christmas , I continue to see and feel LOVE. And that I will be able to live that kind of day.
These are the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 that are before Rachel's favorite verses..

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Simply Christmas

This past Sunday night our childrens department presented their CHRISTmas program.I threw together a short set of songs for them to do. We only had six weeks to practice, so I decided to keep it simple. Our first song was done in blacklight with orange glow tape and white gloves...pretty far out huh? It was what I call an attention getter. Our theme for the night was KEEPING CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS. Their last song was a silhouette drama to Mary Did You Know. Every time..EVERY TIME they practiced it moved me. We had a simple set and a simple message ...Gods love came to earth at Christmas..He sent His son Jesus to bring life to you and me.

"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons"

My focus had been on this program so I knew when it was over reality would set in. .........I had to go shopping . I got up Monday morning ready to face it. Last year everywhere I went I saw things I knew Rachel would have loved..that was all I could see ..This years message to me was simple..just like our simple Christmas message ..

I saw those words EVERYWHERE..In stores I never expected to see it in. It was so overwhelming that I got very little shopping done. In some stores I would smile and say a quiet thank you God..and then other times it would almost knock the breath out of me. Love Never Fails.
Love never fails. Love never fails. Love never fails.


Three simple words

that I simply LOVE.

Friday, December 9, 2011

A bigger bang

The closer I get to this Christmas, the more I realize how very different this one is feeling. The first Christmas we were all just trying to get through, clinging to every word of every poem, card, anything that would give us hope. The next Christmas I pulled those "special ornaments" and things out and rode the hope wave again. This year reality has set in. Remember when you were little and you would get sparklers to do on New Years Eve? Oh they were so would just stand there waiting to light another one, so proud of the circles of light you made. But then a couple of years later you realize that the light they give only last a short time.

You get to the point where you don't even want to mess with lighting need something bigger. That is where I am. My sparkler has gone out and I'm looking in the bag for something
bigger. ..maybe just maybe.. I'm ready to try something with a bang!

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.
When I wake up, and all i want i have.
You know it's still not what i need something beautiful.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
.... something beautiful

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Carol of the Belles

Decorating for Christmas this year did not seem as hard as it was before. The girls have to have some things a certain way. I am fine with that...I get it. Kennedy especially has to have things the way they have been since we lost Rachel. Belle has to be on top of the tree. This year Kennedy also wanted to do more of an all white tree. She said she wanted it to be "Rachels" tree.

It really is a pretty tree. As I sit and stare at it in the early mornings before the girls get up, I sit and think about the movie Beauty and the Beast that Belle is from. Rachel loved that movie from the first time she saw it.She wanted all her life to be Belle.I sat and tried to think of a movie that had captured me the way this one had Rach, and I couldn't find one to compare. Hundreds of times she watched that movie. I started thinking of parts of the movie, of how Rach was so similar to Belle. I pulled some quotes from it that I thought were the most fitting.

(singing] I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand .. To have someone understand ..I want so much more than they've got planned...

It's know no wonder that her name means beauty .. her looks have got no parallel . But behind that fair fa├žade I'm afraid she's rather odd . Very different from the rest of us ..She's nothing like the rest of us .. Yes, different from the rest of us is Belle.

...'cause she really is a funny girl / a beauty but a funny girl / she really is a funny girl... that Belle

It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting *ideas*, and

But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within

At-at least... I got to see you... one last time....

I let her go.
You what? How could you do that?!
I had to.
Yes, but.... why?
Because.... I love her.

Please. Please! Please don't leave me! [Sobs] I love you...

I fixed Rach a tree with Belle on top of it too...just like hers at home...only hers is her favorite color.

The main line from the movie that I keep hearing Belle say is

Then Jesus spoke out again, “I am the light of the world. The one who follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Come into the light....