Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Steppin Up


This week was extremely busy. I had been asked to lead a Beth Moore bible study "Stepping Up " at our church for ALL the ladies . I said yes without any hesitation. The day I had been asked to lead it , I had spent the morning thinking and praying about that very thing. I LOVE working with the kids, but I had just been feeling that maybe that wasn't all I was supposed to be doing. I just wanted to be sure my insecurities were not keeping me from doing what God wanted me to do. While I was at my seminary class, our Minister of education pulled the Beth Moore book out and was telling me about this new class for all the ladies to attend. I thought he was going to tell me that the preacher and he wanted me to attend it.No he said " we want you to lead it".I said very loudly -NO YOU DON'T.I told him about my morning. I couldn't believe how quickly God had given me an answer..I said yes I would love to do it...quick answer huh? I was nervous about teaching all the women...the older ladies...most of whom I have a very good relationship with. They always encourage me and do whatever I ask them to do if I need help me with the childrens stuff. I just wanted the ladies to be willing to trust me to follow what I was going to lead them to do. I trust God more now than I ever did before. I am confident that if I show up and shut up, He'll take care of the rest..I think the way Beth Moore summed up insecurities is perfect...it is just a form of pride. But the truth is we're not good enough to mess God up...did you get it? I just love that. He doesn't make mistakes. The first night of the class went pretty good.I told myself that if this Bible study makes a difference in only 1 persons life, I will be thrilled....even if that 1 is me..The study is on The Psalms of the Ascent. We talked about "pilgrimage",and being on a journey. I opened the class by sharing my "baggage".I opened my suitcase and pulled out my lactose pills, my heart pills, my allergy meds, and empty candy bags...I have a serious candy addiction....serious...then it got real..I pulled out Rachels letterman jacket..It has her name on the back of it. I told them every day no matter where I was going , I put on my coat of grief..some days it felt lighter , some days heavier , but I put it on everyday. And then I pulled out my black "guilt" t shirt. guilt covered a lot of areas..mommy guilt, wife guilt, doing things I shouldn't have done...etc...and I had some lovely shoes that went with the outfit..cinder blocks.. I chose to carry all that baggage on my journey.I don't have to. It felt really good to be able to pull that jacket out and hear myself say those words and not fall to pieces. I think that just my standing upright in front of them is a great demonstration of God's strength. I pray that their heart and their eyes are open to see what God is doing through me. If this class is only for me..to help in healing me..I can accept that. But I believe that something amazing is going to happen in this class. It has too. Or else it is just another step to get me ready for something.There has to be a reason that I have went through this..there just has to be.

Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have. 2 cor 8:11 -12

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