Looking Through The Glass

I've spent the past couple of days shopping REALLY hard trying to piece together a Christmas for the kids. Robin and Dakota really never presented much of a list this year, but I did want Christmas to be special for them . I didn't enjoy shopping this year at all. Everything reminded me of Rach.Things in the store, music on the radio, and way too many young girls her age everywhere I went. They looked like her, they dressed like her..it was hard to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing because I just wanted to watch them..I wanted to hear their conversations...I wanted to know what they wanted for Christmas.. For some reason ,this Christmas seemed harder for all of us than last year. The little girls seemed to be ok, which eases my pain a little. I just don't see things ever being any different than they are for me. Being around others at parties, seeing all the Christmas stuff everywhere, it almost feels like I'm holding a beautiful snow globe with the perfect Christmas scene in it. I can see it, I can hear it...I can be right there by it...but I can't be a part of it.I can't be all the way in it..it is there, it is going on..and I'm going on too...going through the motions, wanting it all to be wonderful for the kids..and all the while I'm thinking of Rach..I have every picture of every time I took her to see Santa.. the images kept rolling through my head . Every thing we did, I could see her doing it...opening presents...fixing her plate..she loved parties so much...coming in the living room on Christmas morning(sniffing constantly)...her hair a big mess...People say that it gets easier...for others I see that is has..I just don't see it being any different for me. I will always miss her greatly...I will always love her..and I will always think of her...maybe I will find way to make the other parts of Christmas easier, but this will just be how my life is. There were small glimpses of the Holiday that I was able to enjoy, and then there were those moments when I would just sit and silently scream because the pain of missing her was so great.Tonight was the last night for the Christmas lights that we go and see at the church by our house.We have went several times this year..and I'm pretty sure that at some point,I cried every time...While we were there tonight they played the song "Mary did you know"..Kaitlin was standing up behind me in the car and she said I'm gonna sing this one for ya'll.The child has no idea how well she sings. It reminded me of Rach singing..it was beautiful..(even the words she got wrong)..I am hoping this coming week to be able to just be still. I haven't done much of that lately.

Psalm 46:10 / Zec. 2:13
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is holy
Be still oh restless soul of mine
Bow before the prince of Peace
Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God
Be still
Be speechless
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know He is our Father
Come rest your head upon His breast
Listen to the rhythm of
His unfailing heart of love
Beating for His little ones
Calling each of us to come
Be still
Be still