How can I begin to describe the feelings I had in the days leading up to Thanksgiving.There are so many elements to them.Remember how you felt on 9-11?How about after seeing the effects of hurricane Katrina in New Orleans?Or Rita on us?Now think of the saddest movie you've ever seen.The saddest song you know.Put them all in a blender and pour it in your heart.Thats only a fraction of the sorrow.It is all encompassing.But honestly,it sometimes is like that on a daily basis.A holiday or "special"day just intensifies it.But with Gods help I continue to put one foot in front of the other and try to do what I think He wants me to do.
So Wednesday after all the food was bought I decided I wanted fresh Calla lilies to put out on the table to represent Rach on Thanksgiving day.Well of course NO ONE had them.Extra anxiety is really not what I need.I just had to let it go.I decided to just light a candle instead.Well that morning Kenny got up early and started a fire.He had also lit a candle,something he has never done.I knew what it meant .I had prayed before I even opened my eyes that God would see me through this day as he had all the others.It was a double whammy.Thursday and Thanksgiving.I realized that it would always be that.I also realized that God would be there on every one of them.I started cooking the meal for the day.I was at a place where it was just waiting on the bird, so I knew it was time to go to Rachs garden.I wouldn't be able to do anything else until I went.I went in my pj's with a betty boop do rag on my head.I went and sat and just asked God to clear my mind.It was so quiet.I heard nothing in my mind but the wind.It was odd,I could hear the wind in the woods but I did not feel it.I only felt the warmth of the sun.It was so bright that morning I had to shield my eyes.I just sat with my head down just breathing and listening.When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw were these 2 flowers in an Althea tree right by her.Only 2 were within reach .There were others really high up tho.I didn't need Calla lilies.I just needed to "be still".Why is that so hard for me?I brought them home ,vased them, and put them on the table.Robin came over and we ate,we played video games,and we breathed.Robin got the Christmas tree down so me and the girls could get busy on that.It is going to be a beautiful tree.Its all so bittersweet.We bought things Rach would like for the tree.She would have loved it.I'm so gonna need something bigger than a mustard seed to get through this!
Dear Lord for the sake of those whose lives I touch ,increase my faith.amen
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