The S Word

Before I opened my eyes this morning, I knew today was going to be hard. Its the last day of August.Tomorrow I have to start saying and writing the month I have been dreading. Of all things I have had to "get through"..September is trying to be the hardest. I've known all month it was coming..I might not be ready , but I know God is. Every morning before I get out of bed, I try to read my GriefShare message of the day. Even if the message doesn't help, the Bible verses always give me comfort. Today's message jolted me awake. It reaffirmed everything that had been "God-breathed" into my heart,soul,and mind. I am going to re post it just as I read it =

The God of Hope
Day 275

One of the consistent testimonies in Scripture is that faith can grow strong during the darkest times of adversity. It is during those darkest moments that you come to know personally that your Lord is the God of hope.

"One thing about being in grief is that your sorrow is certain, and your loss is so real you literally taste it to the depth of your being," says Dr. Joseph Stowell. "You have to have a certainty that is bigger than the certainty of your sorrow.

"That is why you must train yourself in biblical hope where you are absolutely convinced that God is and that He has a world to come for you and that on the other side everything will be okay. That certainty has to be bigger than the certainty of your sorrows."

Ideally, this biblical training should come before times of adversity, so you can be at least somewhat prepared to face it. But if you are not absolutely sure that God is everything He says He is, then tell Him your doubts and confusion. Study the Bible to learn more about Him. We suggest that you begin reading the book of John or Mark.

If you are sure that Christ Jesus is your only secure hope for life, and life after death, then praise His name, and seek to know Him more fully.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you" (1 Peter 1:3-4).

Jesus, I am certain to the depth of my being that You are the living God and that everything will be okay through You. Amen.

my favorite word ...OK
It was even in the prayer! On the day that I needed Him more than ever,God showed me in a very real way...It is gonna be ok. I am holding on to the God that has carried me this far .I don't know what September will hold for me, but I know WHO will be holding my hand.

My Heart is There

beautiful photo created by Tammy Silvestrini


Oh that everyone would be so blessed to have such loving friends to help them through their darkest of days. One special friend sent me this poem.There is a beautiful personal story that goes along with it.She was having her morning devotion time and it was part of it .She thought of this photo of Rach when she read the poem, and sent it to me. The other friend created this picture for me.Both ladies I have a bond with because we the walk the same path. One lady I see at church and correspond with through the computer. The lady that created the photo for me, I have never met in person,we only correspond through the computer.Even so, both have seen into my heart and more importantly have listened to what God has placed in their hearts to share with me..and now I must share it with you.

My heart is there!
Where, on the eternal hills, my loved one dwells
Among the lilies and asphodels;
Clad in the brightness of the Great White Throne,
Clad in the smile of Him who sits thereon,
The glory gilding all His wealth of hair
And making His immortal face more fair--
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.

My heart is there!
With Him who made all earthly life so sweet,
So fit to live, and yet to die so meet;
So mild, so grand, so gentle and so brave,
So ready to forgive, so strong to save.
His fair, pure Spirit makes the Heavens more fair,
And thither rises all my longing prayer--
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.

Thank you Theresa for the beautiful poem.

First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for the kids. Kennedy was ready but KK ...well..she has never really "wanted" to go to school.She knows she has to go. This year my stepson is going to be going to school in our district. I was a little worried about how I would feel when I pulled up in front of the school to drop him off. Well God took care of that for me.It was so chaotic at the elementary and the middle school it had me in frenzy. It worked..I made it through the 1st day. Rachel was still part of the day. A photo of her is in part of the "back to school" photo, but the best part was this precious poem KK gave to me . She had drawn a picture of a hand with a heart in it. If you have read any part of this blog , you will understand ...


This special heart I give to you
Because you love me
And I love you.
The heart is you ,the hand is me,
It shows we are a family.

A piece of me I give to you,
This special heart because
I love you!
The heart is you ,the hand is me
It shows that we
are a family.

Sunsets I Won't Forget

Rachel-"whats your favorite color"?
Me-" the purplish pink color the sky turns when the sun is setting".
Rachel- "why"?
Me-" because only God can make it. Every time its a little different, but its always perfect".

I find myself being drawn to the sky.Sometimes it whispers to me..sometimes it screams for me to look at it..Every night that we were at the lake and we were on the water it was perfection..It was very different every night. There is something about being out on the water and being able to see the magnificence of the violet and pink as it becomes one with the sun.. Some nights I can just breath it in and smile.Some nights its as if I am looking into her face and my heart breaks once again..
How could someone look at that sky...and not know that there is a God..

psalm 19
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork.
2 Day unto day utters speech,
And night unto night reveals knowledge.
3 There is no speech nor language
Where their voice is not heard.

14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer

Lil Quicksand

Today I started a new chapter in this journey. I attended my first seminary class. It is only myself and one other lady in it...The teacher is a our churches minister of education.The class came up in a quick conversation we were having, and I said "sure,I'd love to take it". We took a few minutes before class to tell about ourselves.When it was my turn I said jokingly" didn't you see the paper Sunday"??? No she hadn't...I had to hear myself say out loud my story..I struggle with the phrasing when asked how many kids I have..Then I heard myself say " As a matter of fact its 11 months today"...For a few seconds I couldn't breath. But then I started talking again and I knew that I was going to be ok. I also know what is next,the one year anniversay, and I struggle with what I am supposed to do .But just like everything else I will leave it in God's hands."For this I have Jesus".
I have so many things to share with you about our recent trip to the lake. I'll start with the drive. One of the very first times we made the trip we passed this sign.Rachel said" whenever I turn gangster that is what my street name will be....lil quicksand"... If you knew Rach,you know how she had "nerdy" tendencies so that statement was hilarious... Every drive she would look for that sign.If she was reading she would say "let me know when my name is up"...I had to stop and take a picture of it. Every time she would say it and throw her head back and laugh.. some days I have felt like I was in quicksand. The more I tried to get out of grief ,the more it overtook me..but on the day I took the photo , and today, I was able to move through it. There are days when you feel like you are stuck and you will be stuck there for the rest of your life.. just like when you are in real quicksand they tell you to be still and not fight it,.. I think the same thing can apply to grief. Be still and know....Stand still — not because of a self-made confidence, not because you think you have all the answers.. Be still because of what you know about God.I tried filling my life up with unimportant things to distract me..it really didn't work.It might work for a day or two, but the grief is still there, in the same place you left it.At first I just kept saying" I am sad..I get to be sad"..Jesus wept when he heard how his friend Lazarus had died.The Jews said "See how he loved him"....

See how I loved her....


“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth do change” (Psalm 46:1-2a).

Front Page News

I am so glad to be home! We had a wonderful week at the lake.It was beyond hot, but we have our routine down so that we avoid the hottest part of the day. I found myself being way to distracted by what happened Friday before we left, and what was to come.Beth Rankin, the journalist who wrote the article about Rachels wreck, had came to the house for a 3rd interview for a piece she was doing on grief and using media...like this blog... to help.. Panic set in. What did I say ?????? Will anyone even care??? Sunday couldn't get here fast enough. My mom called Sunday morning and asked me what I thought of the article..I told her I hadn't seen it...They didn't have a paper at the lake..She told me I was on the front page...It took a few minutes to process..I thought it might would be on the front of the "Life and Leisure" section..but not the front page.. My mother thought it was wonderful.We cleaned up,packed up, and loaded up to head home. We have to take two cars to bring all our stuff, so KK and I headed home in our car. I stopped in the first town that I saw had a Beaumont Enterprise... I could hardly breath when I saw it.. There I was..sitting on my bed..looking at my computer..which was showing my blog..this blog..With tears in my eyes ,I brought my 2 papers to the register to check out,and then ran to the truck to read it.. I type my heart onto this screen and I let anyone who types the address in their computer come and read it..and hope that when they do, they see my beautiful Rachel, and they read my stories, and they take a look at their own life...the good and the bad, and they realize how quickly they could be right here too..and I pray that in their heart they know the same God that I write about .the one that has carried me through these darkest of days and nights, and has shown me time and again that He is in control....Thank you Beth for making that first call on Sept 17,2009. Thank you for telling our story with so much compassion.

For my out of town friends,and for those here that missed it, I will be adding an online version of the article.

A Prayer For You

One of the sweetest gifts that I received after the funeral was a beautiful coffee mug with a prayer written on it. A sweet lady from my church who walks her own journey of grief from losing a child, brought it to me.On the front of it it says" I said a prayer for you today",and then on the back is a poem. For many months I would get up and drink my coffee from that cup. From only that cup... Getting up out of the bed in the morning after a very long,sad, night...that mug reminded me that I was not alone. I also have a picture of a prayer from another sweet family that stays by my bed to remind me that people are lifting me up...many people..
We are going to take a few days off for much needed time together. I wanted to leave this poem on here because I don't know if I will be able to post for several days.
Thank you all for staying here with me, and for all the prayers...

I SAID A PRAYER FOR YOU TODAY
AND KNOW GOD MUST HAVE HEARD
I FELT THE ANSWER IN MY HEART
ALTHOUGH HE SPOKE NO WORD
I DIDN'T ASK FOR WEALTH OR FAME
I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T MINd
I ASKED HIM TO SEND TREASURE'S
OF A FAR MORE LASTING KIND
I ASKED THAT HE'D BE NEAR TO YOU
AT THE START OF EACH NEW DAY
TO GRANT YOU HEALTH AND BLESSINGS
AND FRIENDS TO SHARE THE WAY
I ASKED FOR HAPPINESS FOR YOU
IN ALL THINGS GREAT AND SMALL
BUT IT WAS FOR HIS LOVING CARE
I PRAYED THE MOST OF ALL...


(frank zamboni)

My God is Real

This morning during our worship service my GA girls got to share what they did at camp.We sang a few songs and showed a slide show of the week. One of my younger girls shared that she wanted to be a missionary. I also learned that one of my 6th graders that went with us was saved at camp.She goes to a different church than ours,so she wanted to talk to her family and preacher first. How awesome is that!!!
I had wrestled all morning about whether or not I should share about MY camp experience. I was back and forth on it. I thought maybe I should wait and just let it be about the girls.The morning was so hectic.Everything I tried to do was a disaster.My video did not work.I had to go back home,get the computer,try to re-burn it.When I came home the dog had dug in the garbage, had an accident in the floor.....everything to try to get me to NOT talk.. Well it didn't work. I got the video ..my girls showed up for me... and when I went into the sanctuary one of Rachs friends was there that I was not expecting to see. I also was not expecting to see the necklace this person was wearing.It had placed it on her headstone and it had been there for several weeks.And then it just was gone.I assumed it had been stolen(like everything else). I told them how glad I was to see them ,and that they had come on a great day because I had a great story to tell. I knew this sweet friend needed to hear it.I also told them I was glad to see who the owner of the necklace was. Now I knew what to do....Once again I was able to be quiet and let God to the talking. If people were only able to know the WHOLE story,the struggle ,daily, that I have.They see me on Sundays smiling and talking to the kids. Sundays are what gets me through the week.They see those few hours ,and never realize that my feelings are still so very raw. But at the same time, talking about the amazing things that have happened fill my gaping wounds. But it is temporary.The more I talk about it, the more I want to talk about it. I pray that God will continue to put these opportunities in front of me, or that He will show me what it is I should do.I just want people to know.I want them to know what He's doing for me,in a very REAL way. When I said today "Her daughters name was Rachel"... there was a huge reaction from the congregation.. They knew...

Say Rach to me

One of my sweet friends who has been helping me from day 1 to walk this path of grief,(she walks it herself)sent me this poem/letter she found in the book Saying Goodbye To Your Grief..it was written anonymously and Lewis and Betty Smoak edited it for their daughter. I have edited it for mine.....


The time of concern is over.
No longer am I asked how are we doing.
Too seldom is the name of our daughter mentioned to me.
A curtain descends. The moment has passed.
A life slips from frequent recall.

There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends,
Sensitive and loving family, Rachel's closest pals.
For most, the drama is over.
The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.
But for me the play will never end.
The effects on me are timeless.
Say Rachel to me.

On the stage of my life she will always be a rising star!
Do not tiptoe around the most consuming event of my life.
Love does not die.
Her name is written on my life….
Say Rachel to me and say Rachel again, and again.

It hurts to bury her memory in silence—
And I will not…
So long as we are here, please
Say Rachel to us.

Live Love

Wow! What an amazing week at camp. 12 little girls from 7 to 12 years old for 5 days.I did ,however,have an amazing helper that went with me.Her daughter and my KK are best friends.She also knew how very special Rach was, so I knew I would be ok if I had a sad day. I was a little worried because the theme this year was LIVE LOVE. I was afraid it would all be about Rachs favorite verse...1 Cor/ 13:4....we sang a song that had it in the words ,but that wasnt all that was talked about. I also knew that the youth had gathered together there for Rach, but once I got to camp, I knew that it was all going to be ok..Wednesday morning I got up a little early to go get coffee before we had to get all the girls up.On my way out, I ran into the preacher.Bro. Carraway was the preacher last year too.He remembered my son having to go to the hospital,and we talked about that and how he was ok, and then I shared with him what happened in September. I tried to cover every part of what had happened,and as I spoke ,tears streamed down his face. I told him how good God had been to been to me and my family..I told him about the funeral.. I just needed him to know.. He told me that he was so glad that he saw me that morning because his sermon was on the woman at the well, and how her testimony brought others to Jesus.He told me that if it was time, that he would love for me to share my story.Immediately my head was filled with " ITS NOT TIME..ITS ONLY BEEN 10 MONTHS...I CAN'T TALK YET...THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW RACHEL"....I told him I would pray about it...and before I could close my mouth ,I could hear myself using my own words against me..."it says in the Bible to always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have"....way to go big mouth....Bro Carraway prayed with me and I went back to the cabin..I had been doing so good all week..no tears ...I of course had thought about her nonstop, so this caught me off guard.I told my other counselor..I told her I was going to pray about it,and that if I did decide to talk,would she please take my girls out because I didn't want them to have to sit through it.Well 4 hours later,I'm sitting in the tabernacle listening to the music.I begin to write down my thoughts "just in case".. It is so hard to edit the story.To me it is ALL is important... I told myself that I couldn't do it..I didn't have enough time...I have to practice ....and then I heard ..."YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHEN ITS TIME...YOU WRITE THAT BLOG AND YOU TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT...WHY CAN'T YOU TALK TO THESE PEOPLE... YOU GET TO DECIDE WHO HEARS????? I DON'T THINK SO.... and then very clearly I heard "PUT UP .... OR SHUT UP"....the preacher was almost at the end of his sermon.I still was not sure what I was going to do,and then I heard him say without even looking at me...." SISTER , IS IT TIME?" and just like at the funeral, before I knew it, I was on the stage... I can't tell you what all I said, but as I spoke I could see the tears from almost every person in there.but I didn't cry..I just stood there and let God's words flow.. I covered it all in about 5 minutes... I ended with what was said at the funeral. Bro Carraway picked up from there and pleaded again... They had an invitation and many girls walked the aisle.. I know that there were decisions made. Some just needed to pray , but at least 4 were saved. Many of the girls from my church came down to pray and just to stand with me.After church we went to lunch..Many girls came and told me how sorry they were.Some just gave me a hug.. I could feel the love and the sympathy, but I did not feel pity..That was what I was afraid of feeling..After lunch we were heading back to the cabin. Another counselor hollered for me.She said that her 12 year old daughter was one of the girls that was saved.She had been praying for her for a long time. She said that I was at that camp for her.. She thanked me for sharing my story..I hugged her and turned around to go, and she grabbed my arm and said MY DAUGHTERS NAME IS RACHEL...I seriously almost passed out.
If you have ever read anything on this blog and had a thought that=oh that was a coincidence, or I was was just twisting things to fit my needs.... you can't deny this one.. I have never felt the way I felt standing in that campground. I think it was the first part of my heart healing. God's timing is always perfect.ALWAYS....I hope you can learn to live that easier than I did...What a great week..What a great God. My girls were all smiles the whole week too.Seeing them sing and be free to worship with their whole heart was so touching. It was just what we all needed.
LIVE LOVE.....
LIVE

Hidden Treasure

I knew all week that today was coming.The 17th... It's been ten months today..Vacation Bible School was great,but all week I missed Rach so much.I had my two little girls on stage with me helping lead the music, and I had two of Rachs very good friends helping too. They were so sweet to my girls. It truly was a great week. We had 19 kids accept Christ. They just kept getting up and walking the aisle..It was so amazing to be a part of that.
Today I started getting ready to take 11 little girls to GA camp. We leave Monday morning, so I spent the morning packing. I opened a small zipper pouch on the outside of my bag and found the most wonderful gift....a pair of Rachels earrings.She had made these herself out of some guitar picks. I guess she left them in there after her trip to Illinois last September. I don't know what she used to put the hole in the pick..She went somewhere with the church and then came home and took these picks from her brother and made these earrings. I think she had gotten a necklace that was made out of a pick..I remember the whole "you don't even know how to play the guitar" conversation she had with her brother when she took his picks.I decided to not show them to Kennedy,yet.She had been having some really hard moments this past week.It's great to be around girls Rachels age, it fills that void that is left there, but then it makes you miss her so much more. I know that's where Kennedy was all week . Maybe when we get back from camp I will find a way to share them with her.I know the little girls don't count the months like all of us adults do.She just knows its been a very long time since she's seen Rach....Kennedy has a pair of red pick earrings already ...they say "pick Jesus"....so I know she will love to have these too. Pray for me as I go to camp. Last year my son went to the hospital while I was at camp with heart trouble. It is also the same place that all of the kids that were in the youth department with Rachel went to not long after her funeral.They are in the 4 month video that I posted on here...so all of it will definitely be on my mind while I am there..... always is...
This was my Promise from Gods Word today..
Gracious is the Lord,and righteous; our God is merciful.The Lord protects the simple ;when I was brought low,He saved me.Return ,O my soul, to your rest,for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you..Psalm 116:3-7

I dreamed a dream

Tonight will be the 3rd night of our vacation Bible school.I have been so busy getting the stage ready,and trying to learn all of the music and hand motions, but it has been so great to see the kids (and some of the adults) be so excited about being at church.I have really missed Rach so much ,she was always so much apart of VBS.My little girls have been on stage with me again this year singing,and doing the motions.I wish I could just go sit down and watch them.They put their whole heart into it.Especially KK who ,not very long ago, did not want anyone to even LOOK at her,much less watch her sing.I was thinking about Rach on the way home last nite.She was so happy the year she did the drama at VBS because she got to play Jesus.She loved the family she was doing drama with, and they let her know how very special she was to them too. I kept seeing this picture of her in my mind.As I turned to come home glaring through my windshield was this HUGE star.There were other tiny specs of stars all over ,but this was one was beautiful. It looked like the stars we draw.You could see the points on it.I had never seen a star do that.I've seen pictures of them where they look like that, but seeing it in my sky was breathtaking.I had to pull the car over so KK could get out of her car seat and see it. One of Rachs sweet friends had just shared this quote with me...“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” -Vincent van Gogh...I sat on the side of the road and dreamed..
if you click on the title it will take you to a song......

Sailin the High Seas

For the past 2 years our church has had a huge 4th of July carnival.The kids really have a great time. Last year we gave cross necklaces out in our goodie bags. If you look closely in some of my pictures on the blogs, you can see Rach wearing the one KK gave her.Once she put it on,she didn't take it off.I don't think there is a holiday that I cannot connect to her..so now the next hurdle is vacation bible school.I have been so busy this week getting things ready for it.I have to turn our sanctuary into a ship ....(like a pirate ship but no pirates) I have been leading the music for the past 4 years. Before, I would teach a class. When I started doing music,Rachel was in the youth dept. so she was able to be my helper.One year she left me to go do drama,but she had the best time. No matter where we were ,she was there with me ,helping me to get it all ready.I try to turn the sanctuary into whatever our theme is. Rachel was always there to help me.I could always count on her honesty for how things were looking.It's just one more of those bittersweet memories...I miss her,but at the same time,I am so glad we had all those moments together. She can show them in heaven how to turn a cardboard box into a rocket, a boat, or one year I even made a water slide coming out of the baptistery.It also was a spacial time for her spiritually ,too. Rachel went to youth camp when she was a junior,and made the decision to rededicate her life.She wanted to be sure that when she had made her first decision that she hadn't done that just because Robin had done it.. but she hadn't followed in believers baptism yet. VBS gave me the opportunity to really share with her some scriptures,and that is why you see photos of her not as a child , but as a teenager being baptized. And that is what has given me so much peace. Like I've said before, I know none of my children are perfect,but I do know who was in Rachels heart.And I know how willing she was to share WHO was in her heart with others. Kennedy is in place where she needs to talk about Rach a lot. She just wants to know everything she can.She has so many question..she misses her so much. we all do....I will be on a "High Seas Expedition " starting Sunday night. I've got so much to do for the decorations PLUS learn songs AND do some talking and a skit...but I am not going to let myself get too stressed about it. I know that God will show me how to get it all done.. He showed me this morning how to fix the stage so I can have a "help" poster that no one can see, to help me to not forget what I am supposed to say.......I'm hoping to live what Mark 6:51 says =Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed......

Robins' little sister

Robin and Morgan Ratcliff at the scholarship presentation


Rachels favorite photo with her brother

Today is Robin's(Rachs older brother) birthday.He turns 22.They were only 16 months apart.We lived in Houston when they were little, and they were inseparable.Rachel would just sit and watch him for hours when she was a baby.Then when she got a little older,everyone would ask if they were twins.They did everything together.Then it went from being twins to being asked" are you Robins little sister"?, which I think she secretly loved...One of my sweetest memories is seeing them in the baptistery water together.When Rachel was about 7 years old she made a profession of faith while listening to her brother being talked to about his decision to ask Jesus into his heart. I didn't take a picture of them.Honestly, I don't need one. I can see it like it was yesterday. It was one of those moments that go so deeply into your heart, you never forget it. It just seemed so perfect,them together ....always....This picture of them was Rachs favorite.She loved looking at it, it always made her smile. Robin and Rachel......I can't tell you how many times that was used in a sentence..Even tho he was older,she always took care of him.She would get up in the mornings when she was just 4 years old and tie his shoes before he went to kindergarten.He knew how to tie them..he just wouldn't do it..and I wouldn't do it to try to make him tie them....but she just knew he needed them tied. It was always that way...If Rachel was gone to stay at a grandparents house Robin would be lost until she came home..."when is Rach coming home"? When they got older they didn't have a lovey dovey kind of relationship, but their bond was unbreakable.... Last Sunday the church presented one of our nieces with a scholarship in Rachels name. Robin was there....for her....

Consider the Lilies

The girls and I went to town the other day shopping for a slip n slide.We went into Michaels because they have a clean bathroom..(always important with a little girl).In the front of the store they had a huge bin of flowers on sale. They had every color of Calla lily that you could want.Calla lilies were Rachels favorite flower.She LOVED them. You know how girls always have a new favorite thing? I can't remember Rach loving anything but Calla's. I used them in all her corsages that I made for her while she was in high school.I stll have them. I used them at graduation. (still have them)...While we were at Michaels, Kennedy was asking about Rachs love for them. She said we need to get some new ones for Rachs garden.She said we needed to get the yellow ones .(Yellow????I said)...yes she said,because that is what color Belle's dress is in Beauty and the Beast(Rachs favorite movie since she was 2).Rachel spent her entire life dreaming of being Belle. She wanted to buy everything she saw with Belle on it. She identified so much with that character,Rachel just never realized how beautiful SHE was ,not just to her family, but to so many others.Kennedy picked out her yellow Calla's and some pink daisy looking flowers, because pink is on some of the Belle things Rach has, too.I have to say....they looked perfect. That night I was on the computer looking up information about Calla lilies. The word Calla is from the greek language and it means BEAUTY..I had no idea. It all connects ...sometimes its overwhelming ..especially at 1:00 in the morning when no one else is around to share in your excitement.
Beautiful Calla lilies, for our Beautiful Rachel.
"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these."Luke 12:27

9 Months In His Hands

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
psalm73:26
Today is June 17th, and it's Thursday.9 months of grief. Back in October , I posted about the day of the wreck.I wrote that after Rachel left for work, a few minutes later I got up to go to a garage sale that was just down the road. There was such an urgency in my mind to go. Here's the rest of that story. The house that was having the garage sale was right off of Hwy 105. I had been to the house before ,several months earlier, for a garage sale on a Wednesday. Everyone knows that garage sale day is Wednesday, it always has been. This sale on September 17..was on a Thursday. My Mom is the queen of garage sales.She can spot one 2 miles away ,( even if she
has the seat reclined so she can take a nap on the way back from Canton).....she had to drive passed the sale to get to my house that day....she didn't see it. Mrs. Rachel and her daughter Melissa were at my house as soon as they heard about what happened.They too are frequent garage "sale-rs"....they also had to pass it to get to my house....they didn't see it.Sure they were distracted and not looking for one, but ...I will always wonder ..was there a garage sale???I thought about stopping and asking the people if they had a sale that day...then I decided it just didn't matter... Even so ,it is very hard for me to go to garage sales now. I loved going to them. I've tried to go 2 times since September...it's just too hard.. The feelings I had when I was rushing out to go to that sale..I could hear so loud the words " just go".."get up"..." go " .."go"....Was it the Holy Spirit? Was it an Angel? I grabbed my purse and I left... I don't think I had more than 3 dollars in my purse..GO...GET UP ... GO.. Some days when I get to the end of the road, I just sit there and look at the marks that are STILL in the road.Sometimes I think ...I not going to be able to keep living here......but in my heart I know that moving will not make my pain go away... this pain that has taught me so many things..things about myself, and others. I do look at things different now. I have a lot less
tolerance for people whining about their "bad day"....really???? let me tell you what a bad day is..I know that's wrong.. I know that life is hard for a lot of people for a lot of reasons... I try to look at a lot of things differently now...I look at people different.. In some areas of my life I do still have a fog, but in other areas I know I see things more clearly than others do.I'm still the same sinner saved by grace.. I just have the knowledge of knowing how quickly we can go from standing...to kneeling ....on the side of the road...
This is one of my favorite songs.When I feel myself falling, I sing this song..If you would rather listen to it than read it, you can click on the title of this blog and it will pull up the video
Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Letting Go

Well guess who is not as weak as they thought????????? Not only did I do ALL of the water slides at Schlitterbahn, I rode some very scary rides at Kemah on the boardwalk. I have to say our trip to Galveston was exactly what I needed. I have Kennedy to thank for a lot of it. When she grabbed my hand and said "cmon Mom lets go do that big one".... it just felt right. Looking down that huge slide and seeing straight down to the ground, I realized how much trust I had to put in the people that built this slide.People I don't even know.I had to trust that it was going to be ok...(fav word)...I had to let go of my grip, and start the journey down...it was fast, it was bumpy....it was scary .... but I did it... That sounds like a metaphor for something doesn't it?? It was physically the strongest I have felt in a long time. I walked tons of stairs. Walked all over Moody Gardens.Did lots of swimming..came home very tired , but in a good way.I also noticed that some awful weather was in the Dallas area right when we would have been there, had we went to Colorado...God's timing.....always perfect..."He hath made every thing beautiful in his time."..Of course I thought about Rachel nonstop,the little girls always have questions about her. I still related everything I did to her..I just feel like I made it over a huge hump. I know there will be others to come.....As I sit here and type my mind is on what the date is..
The photos are just a sample of what Kennedy made me do.

Rocky Mountain Low

Well, as if last week wasn't hard enough...I got punched in the gut even harder this week.Since September, Kenny and I have been wanting to take the kids to Colorado.The little girls talk about it all the time.The little bit of snow we got here made them want to see REAL snow. Dakota has been snowboarding several times,but we ,as a family, have not been.Rachel went with my mom and dad to New Mexico and had a blast.So we thought at Christmas it would happen....no go...so then we decided to go at the first part of summer.I found out there was snowtubing still going on on the weekends..I spent many hours online looking for a condo to rent..I wasted a lot of time. I knew in my heart , I didn't think I could go, but I was going to try it anyway.There are times when I am just going to Beaumont , and an 18wheeler comes too close that it really bothers me.If I come upon a wreck ,same thing..My sister and her family went to the very place we were supposed to go to a couple of years ago.She was showing me her videos and I realized.....I can't do it..I didn't say it out loud until Saturday morning.We were supposed to leave on Tuesday...Kenny mentioned that I sure was putting off doing a lot of things..I told him that it all felt too hard.. I told him I didn't think I could do it.Just to say it outloud was so hard ,and yet at the same time such a relief.He never tried to talk me into going.Never said I can't believe your doing this.....He just said "I know what you mean. Just tell me what you want to do, and I'll do it." I planned a great trip to Galveston in a matter of 15 minutes.The girls are thrilled. Its gonna be hot, but thats ok...I can be home real quick! Its hard to explain why exactly I couldn't go. I feel a different kind of panic inside. Its not an extreme panic attack type feeling. I am stuck in a place where some things are hard for me to remember , and some things are hard to forget. I was telling my sister how I felt. We talked about how much we think about Rach. For me its not so much images , or events.Its so hard for me to put it into words.. It's like my feelings for her are always there...almost like a vapor just hovering over me...Its not a burden ,or a heaviness...it is just how my life is now. If I were to draw a picture of myself , I would put butterflies and hearts dancing around my head.Its that kind of feeling. Always....it is always there. There have been days lately where I feel like she has been forgotten..I know that is not true. It is just where I am right now. I know this is another dark road that I must go down to get to where I need to be. After I spilled my guts to my sister, I told her that somewhere in there was another song.I wrote it later on that afternoon...The last verse I have to give credit to my niece Amber.I sent it to her and told her to feel free to add to it....boy did she..

Feels Like September

This place I'm in feels like September.
I'm struggling just to remember.
This darkness only clouds my mind.
And makes my memories hard to find.

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

I promise I will hold on to.
Every word of I love you.
My broken heart will surely mend.
When we are face to face again

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

One day I'll be where I've never been.
I won't have to look for truth again.
No fear or tears come when I see her.
Cause where she is theres no September.

Summers Here

School is officially over. All I could think about this whole year is summer.I don't know what I think will happen, I just know that in my mind my life seemed easier without having to do school. What I didn't think about was how graduation would affect me.It really all started on Friday night.We had a niece graduate Friday night,and then there was the big crawfish boil for her at my brother-n-laws house Saturday. Friday night I went to drop Kennedy off at a slumber party.Kenny had to work late so we missed the graduation ceremony,so I let Kennedy go to a sleep over.On the way home ,the sunset was breath taking. It was almost a perfect as the one the night of the funeral.I will never forget that sunset.This one was close. I headed to cemetery.One of Rachs school mates that graduated last year was tragically killed in a car wreck just a couple of weeks ago.He was buried in the same cemetery. I went to school with his beautiful mother.It was so overwhelming seeing his grave with all his flowers.Just remebering the start of this journey,I wept that night like I have not wept in a long time. I miss her so much. I stayed until the sky was no longer for me.The next day was the party.Just picking out a graduation card was a chore.I found the perfect one. I came home to get ready.Kenny went ahead to the party with the little girls and Dakota.I went to sign the card ,and reread it. Mistake.....I signed our names and realized , I wasn't going to make it. I found some really ugly sunglasses to wear..not that they would fool anyone. I headed out for the party..Every song on the radio made it worse..I didn't want people to look at me with that sad face...Its so hard to explain.I want to be there, I want to be a part of it..I just don't want to talk about it. People have no idea of the pain.I don't expect them to understand,and at the same time I don't want to explain it to them. I tried to call Kenny to tell him that I was struggling, and mainly to not make fun of me in my sunglasses..no answer.I turned down the street and saw my oldest son headed toward me in his truck.I rolled down the window and saw his face when he saw MY face...."what's wrong"?????? I told him it was just one of those days...he knew what I meant..He just put his head down...I tried to make conversation to not bring him down to where I was.He was going to the store and would be right back..I took a breath and went on...When I got out of my car , the walk down the driveway back to their patio was soooooo long.I finally saw Kenny..All I could do was shake my head. At this point , he knows. He always knows.I walked over to put the card on her table.All her pictures were out.....it was just flooding my mind and breaking my heart...I could see Rachels graduation...I remember all the excitement for her..all the hope.Rachel was so smart, and so beautiful.....I just wanted to go back..I told Kenny I couldn't stay....we went and walked up to the front and sat on the back of truck. I'm so thankful for such a compassionate husband, who will just sit and be with me in that moment.My son came back from the store and walked to me as fast as he could and just grabbed me.He said "its gonna be ok mom, its gonna be ok"..my favorite word....It did get ok...I just had to walk through that part of the journey. Those that knew me ,knew why I was sad.No words needed.Just lots of hugs.I made it through the day. When we got home that night about 9:30, I got online to post a photo of me on my facebook.I had a message from a friend I made through this blog.It said" Thinking of you today and praying for some kind of extra special blessing :)"..the time that is was posted in my messages,was the time I was really struggling at the party!!!! It was one of those moments that you just want to breathe in every second of.. I am so thankful for all of you that read this.I'm so thankful too for all your prayers. I know that losing Rachel is something I will never get over.But I know that with Gods help,I will get through it.I hope this summer to be able to do more post on this blog.It has just seemed hard to sit and type. The same with my guitar..The two things that were healing me have become cumbersome. I know it is temporary. I look forward to seeing how God will use them both. Be safe this summer, and check back often.
"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."(eph 1 16-19)

Otitis

One of Rachels friends had to have her appendix taken out this past week. It made me think about last year with Rachel.Towards the end of April, she had to have her tonsils removed.That meant having to go to the Dr.,who sent us to the ENT(ear nose throat),then to the cardiologist to get clearance for the anesthesia,then back to the ENT, and then the procedure. I said "us" because I went with her,even tho she was considered an adult. I knew she was very nervous about being put to sleep. She got clearance for the surgery, and had it done.She did so good. She only took the really strong pain medicine 2 times,and after that she would only take regular Tylenol. She had a lot of issues with taking medicine. It was nice tho, to have her home for a few days and to be able to really "mother" her.I bought her favorite easy to eat snacks, and fixed her whatever she wanted. Once she felt better,I even took her to Target and pushed her around in a wheel chair just to have an outing.We watched our usual favorite shows, and made our usual jokes. While we were making all the rounds at the different doctors, I noticed the same poster was in every room, the one of the ear and the inner ear.I'm sure you've all seen it. I noticed on the poster it said Otitis Media(its a middle ear infection), I kept saying it...Otitis ...I told her after all this,she should name her kid that ..Otitis...it was our favorite thing to say for a looong time.She would tell me "I'm not having kids". She never said she didn't want them,she just said she wasn't having them.Sometimes when I think back on conversations,when I remember her saying things like that, it always makes me wonder...I know my post have been fewer.My thoughts about Rach have not been ,tho. Sometimes I sit to write,and I just don't know how to put it into words. So many other things have happened in the past weeks that make my grief wounds feel so raw again. There just seems to be so much tragedy. I can hardly watch the news anymore.Sometimes it just seems like too much. School will be out soon, and I am hoping to find some time to just "be still". I want time to slow down.I find myself worrying about summer going by too fast,and September being here too soon.

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends.

I heard this song on the radio.I hadn't heard it in ..well in over 8 months......now I hear these words in my mind..