Rocky Mountain Low

Well, as if last week wasn't hard enough...I got punched in the gut even harder this week.Since September, Kenny and I have been wanting to take the kids to Colorado.The little girls talk about it all the time.The little bit of snow we got here made them want to see REAL snow. Dakota has been snowboarding several times,but we ,as a family, have not been.Rachel went with my mom and dad to New Mexico and had a blast.So we thought at Christmas it would happen....no go...so then we decided to go at the first part of summer.I found out there was snowtubing still going on on the weekends..I spent many hours online looking for a condo to rent..I wasted a lot of time. I knew in my heart , I didn't think I could go, but I was going to try it anyway.There are times when I am just going to Beaumont , and an 18wheeler comes too close that it really bothers me.If I come upon a wreck ,same thing..My sister and her family went to the very place we were supposed to go to a couple of years ago.She was showing me her videos and I realized.....I can't do it..I didn't say it out loud until Saturday morning.We were supposed to leave on Tuesday...Kenny mentioned that I sure was putting off doing a lot of things..I told him that it all felt too hard.. I told him I didn't think I could do it.Just to say it outloud was so hard ,and yet at the same time such a relief.He never tried to talk me into going.Never said I can't believe your doing this.....He just said "I know what you mean. Just tell me what you want to do, and I'll do it." I planned a great trip to Galveston in a matter of 15 minutes.The girls are thrilled. Its gonna be hot, but thats ok...I can be home real quick! Its hard to explain why exactly I couldn't go. I feel a different kind of panic inside. Its not an extreme panic attack type feeling. I am stuck in a place where some things are hard for me to remember , and some things are hard to forget. I was telling my sister how I felt. We talked about how much we think about Rach. For me its not so much images , or events.Its so hard for me to put it into words.. It's like my feelings for her are always there...almost like a vapor just hovering over me...Its not a burden ,or a heaviness...it is just how my life is now. If I were to draw a picture of myself , I would put butterflies and hearts dancing around my head.Its that kind of feeling. Always....it is always there. There have been days lately where I feel like she has been forgotten..I know that is not true. It is just where I am right now. I know this is another dark road that I must go down to get to where I need to be. After I spilled my guts to my sister, I told her that somewhere in there was another song.I wrote it later on that afternoon...The last verse I have to give credit to my niece Amber.I sent it to her and told her to feel free to add to it....boy did she..

Feels Like September

This place I'm in feels like September.
I'm struggling just to remember.
This darkness only clouds my mind.
And makes my memories hard to find.

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

I promise I will hold on to.
Every word of I love you.
My broken heart will surely mend.
When we are face to face again

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

One day I'll be where I've never been.
I won't have to look for truth again.
No fear or tears come when I see her.
Cause where she is theres no September.