Lil Quicksand

Today I started a new chapter in this journey. I attended my first seminary class. It is only myself and one other lady in it...The teacher is a our churches minister of education.The class came up in a quick conversation we were having, and I said "sure,I'd love to take it". We took a few minutes before class to tell about ourselves.When it was my turn I said jokingly" didn't you see the paper Sunday"??? No she hadn't...I had to hear myself say out loud my story..I struggle with the phrasing when asked how many kids I have..Then I heard myself say " As a matter of fact its 11 months today"...For a few seconds I couldn't breath. But then I started talking again and I knew that I was going to be ok. I also know what is next,the one year anniversay, and I struggle with what I am supposed to do .But just like everything else I will leave it in God's hands."For this I have Jesus".
I have so many things to share with you about our recent trip to the lake. I'll start with the drive. One of the very first times we made the trip we passed this sign.Rachel said" whenever I turn gangster that is what my street name will be....lil quicksand"... If you knew Rach,you know how she had "nerdy" tendencies so that statement was hilarious... Every drive she would look for that sign.If she was reading she would say "let me know when my name is up"...I had to stop and take a picture of it. Every time she would say it and throw her head back and laugh.. some days I have felt like I was in quicksand. The more I tried to get out of grief ,the more it overtook me..but on the day I took the photo , and today, I was able to move through it. There are days when you feel like you are stuck and you will be stuck there for the rest of your life.. just like when you are in real quicksand they tell you to be still and not fight it,.. I think the same thing can apply to grief. Be still and know....Stand still — not because of a self-made confidence, not because you think you have all the answers.. Be still because of what you know about God.I tried filling my life up with unimportant things to distract me..it really didn't work.It might work for a day or two, but the grief is still there, in the same place you left it.At first I just kept saying" I am sad..I get to be sad"..Jesus wept when he heard how his friend Lazarus had died.The Jews said "See how he loved him"....

See how I loved her....


“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth do change” (Psalm 46:1-2a).