Her Guarded Heart

I have worried a lot about how my kids are handling their grief. I know each child is different; they are different ages and they are very different people. I know too that they have watched my every move and tear. The other day Kennedy mentioned that she got a lot of high marks on a paper she had written. I asked her what she had wrote about and she said it had to be on someone special. I asked well who was is? She said I wrote about Rachel. I asked her why I was just now hearing about it..and she said she didn't want to upset me. I asked her if I could read it and she said sure. I breezed through it trying to make sure that I showed NO emotion except a smile. She also said she had to read it to the class. Let me just say how beautiful her paper was. It was so well written. Put that aside..imagine reading it to your classmates. I was so proud of her. I was also relieved to know that my child is OK. I asked her if it was hard for her to read it and she said almost the very same words that I have said to people I LOVE TALKING ABOUT HER.
So here it is..in her own words..from her heart...her truth..

RA RA

A lot of girls or other siblings might find it maddening to have had an older sister; but not me! I had an extraordinary sister , Rachel Ann Clark, for the first eleven years of my life. RaRa was always into sports. Her favorite was volleyball. She also played soccer and softball when she was about my age.Unfortunately she quit her great talent for sports at the end of her sophomore year. One hobby that we have in common is that we have a passion for video games. I remember side by side with her we conquered Rayan, Mario, Catwoman and best of all Zelda. When I was about five, I played her gamecube so much she became enraged. For Christmas a month later I got my own Gamecube! We both thought Zelda was the best video game ever. Another interest we have in common is that we love to read. Reading is one of the many things that Ra Ra did. I bet she can read the whole Harry Potter series in one day!She probably read half of the fiction books in the library by the time she finished High school. Everyone that she knows remembers how hilarious Ra Ra was before she died. She would always take funny pictures of herself. Also she wasn't obnoxious about it like some people. Ra Ra also loved every kind of music. The only music she didn't care for was my favorite music..screamo music. Although she didn't despise it the way I do country music, she cold live without it. Speaking of music, I bet she had the best singing voice in high school. Rachel Clark is the most lovely girl that ever walked the earth. Never did she need make up to look beautiful. Greatly modest. Her hair was as gorgeous as a princess. It was brown, blonde and straight.Best of all, she had the greatest soul.
Ra Ra was kind,sweet, generous , a good Christian, and the best older sister ever.



After she read her paper, there was a time for questions. One of the questions a classmate asked was if it was hard to read the paper.She told them the same thing she told me..


Even in the depths of our sadness, there is a special place in our hearts that is guarded ..that is impenetrable by this darkness of grief. That is the place where faith, hope , and love are formed...
and the greatest of these is Love.

Climbing my mountains

Thursday while I was waiting at the gate to pick KK up from school, I noticed this little girl who was around a year old playing on these concrete bricks. She was so excited.She was trying so hard to climb up on them.Her mom was such a great cheerleader for her too. It was clear that this little angel was just experiencing the feeling of climbing and a lot of other things. Everything she saw and touched was with fresh eyes. An acorn, a blade of grass, and even a stick all seemed to be something amazing when she was looking at it. I watched her as she finally made it to the top of these bricks.She sat down and smiled this huge smile while her mommy clapped for her. She made it look so fun I almost wanted to go over there and sit down too!!! And then I started thinking..how many times a day do we conquer mountains that may seem like no big deal to someone else? Have we just gotten so caught up in the busyness of life that we just cant stop and smile and say " Thank you Lord , we did it" . It might not be a big deal to anyone else but you ... and to God. Maybe if we looked at things with fresh eyes we could see the excitement in doing them, and then be able to smile in the victory. Maybe if we acknowledge God in all the little things He helps us climb, when the really big mountains are in front of us ..we won't be so quick to forget He is with us.




please take a moment and listen to this song

Beyond the sunset

(OK...I lost a couple of sentences while I was editing...and no one noticed?????maybe this will make more sense..)


Sunday night I headed to church for our evening service. As soon as I headed down my road, Rachel came so heavy on my mind. I could see the sunset was going to be beautiful. Honestly, I tried not to see it because I knew I would be a mess at church if I did. I lost it in my rear view mirror and my thoughts shifted back toward church. We were going to be presenting an idea for a new kind of service on Sunday nights...and I'm back to thinking about Rach and how much she would love me still trying to play the drums at church, and how excited she would be about the new service...I made the uturn and the sunset slapped me in the face. It was beautiful. It reminded me of the night of her funeral..as we drove away from this very church..the sky sang to me. It was the same pink and blue cotton candy sky .It wasn't until later that I realized it was the 19th. I lost count of the days after Valentines day. Thats all I used to do was count days . Count the days until "that day" was here. I think the 16th would be as hard as the 17th....I used to dread that number. But then enough days pass and you realize that those feelings are
always there, no matter what the date is...some things make me miss her
more.. The flowers fade, the birds and the butterflies leave, but ...I always have my sunsets..


While I was looking for a photo to use in this post, I found this picture in the computer that was created by Kennedy in June 2009...it has my colors in the sky.

Beyond the sunset,
O glad reunion,
With our dear loved ones
who've gone before,
In that fair homeland
we'll know no parting.
Beyond the sunset
forever more.

What if it's love

It seems like its rained everyday here. It makes it impossible to go to Rachel's garden or to bring anything beautiful out there. I was feeling very down about it early this morning. I walked in the kitchen and saw the things on the table for the girls from their dad and just knew that there was an empty place. I got the girls ready for school and went to put Kk in the truck with all her valentines for school. When I opened her door this was sitting on the seat. She had made it at church and I guess it had gotten lost in the mix. I really don't know what happened, I just know this is what I saw when I opened the door.







I opened it and read it. Everyone has heard this verse (John 3 16)hundreds of times, but when I read it today, it was truly a gift.











Shall Not perish
Everlasting life

That is true love. And it is the best valentine .
(I know her hand writing makes it hard to read.They took the word Valentine and wove John 3 16 in it).

This week I had had one of Rachs friends on my mind. She was in the youth department at church with Rach and after graduation, she got to go to Hillsong college for a year. She sang many times in our church and always gave a testimony with her song. This song that she sang had been going through my head and it was one of the first things I thought of after reading KK's card.....










What if you're right? He was just another nice guy. What if You're right?

What if it's true? They say the cross will only make a fool of you. What if it's true?

What if He takes His place in history with all the prophets and the kings who taught us love and came in peace, but then the story ends?

What then?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more? What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for? What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

What if you dig way down deeper than your simple-minded friends? What if you dig?

What if you find a thousand more unanswered questions down inside?

That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic and begin poke the holes? What if the crown of thorns is no more than folklore that must be told and re-told, and re-told?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's more? What if there's hope you've never dreamed of hoping for? What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?

'Cuz you've been running as fast as you can. You've been looking for a place you land for so long.

But what if you're wrong?

What if You jump? Just close your eyes. What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise? What if He's more than enough? What if it's love?


It is love .
The greatest of these
is love.

The Story of my life

This past weekend I headed to Houston with the girls to spend some time with my sister and her family. She has twin boys that my girls love hanging out with. In her spare time , my sister also writes a blog(among other things) This is what her "about me" says..

As a designer, I specialize in room re-arrangement and putting together the little touches that tell the story of who you are. This blog tells the story of who I am.

As I look around my home , I see so many things that tell the story of who I am, or I guess I should say , who I have become. In every room I have something that has Rachels verse on it. ( you know, Love is...). There are hearts, calla lilies, butterflies, and crosses, and of course little treasures of Rachels that only I know what they are. They are a constant connection to me, not to keep me holding on to the loss, but to remember the life. The story of her life, and mine.
While I was visiting with my sister, she gave me these wonderful shells that look like angel wings. As soon as I got home I started trying to get creative with them. I thought I would use a page from an old book that I have to make a little somthin somethin . I have an old book that I love to use,it has poems and pictures .It is titled The Country Diary of an Edwardian Lady.I turned to September hoping to find something special . I started reading this poem and could only make it through the third line.





One morn I put my heart to sleep.
The story of my life.


I switched gears and went with just a black background in a shadow box . I love it!





As I was driving home from my sisters on Sunday late afternoon, I was given the gift of seeing an incredible sunset in my rear view mirror the entire way home. It also seemed like every song that came on the radio was just for me. There was a connection to Rachel in every one of them . They seemed to tell the story too. I'm so thankful for memories, they fuel me ...even if through the tears.

The story of my life is very plain to read
It starts the day you came
And ends the day you leave
The story of my life begins and ends with you
The names are still the same
And the story's still the truth

I love this song . I remember hearing it when Rachel was very little. The first time I heard it reminded me of my mom and dad. It was one of the songs I heard on the way home.



my sisters blog
http://www.curiousdetails.com/

Just Maybe

This weekend I finally had the courage to go through the last box of
Rachel's " things". It was full of photos, cards(she kept them ALL), report cards, medals, it was such a mix of things. I had gone through all of it before, but I still always have the hope of finding a treasure. I was halfway through the box when I came upon these two pieces of paper folded and tucked in between some cards. I knew as soon as I glanced over that I had not seen it before.There was no date and no name only these printed words.

Just maybe.



Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe … when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe … it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe … the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe … the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe … you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe … there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate
them more.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swin with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you have ever had.

Maybe ..you should always try to put yourself in others shoes.If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person too.

Maybe...you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is to simply leave them alone.

Maybe...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. do not expect love in return..just wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it doesn't be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe...happiness waits for those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all of those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe...you should not go for looks, they can only decieve..don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smke to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe...you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe...you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.





Just maybe.....God will continue to place these special gifts where I can find them.

Hot Heart

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a Hot Hearts convention with my girls and the youth at our church. It is a two day event with speakers, bands, and other entertainment. It was amazing. Hot Hearts was a huge influence on Rachel. She loved it and always came away from them charged up.The theme for the event was
Galatians 5:1
1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
It was to give us a foundation to stand firm on once we left .To be willing to stand at school,home, or wherever for Christ. I got that message, but for me personally God had another word. (Literally) It was the word FREE. It kept coming up for me in scriptures, in songs, just throughout the weekend it was as the scripture that they base the event on says


And they said to one another, "Were not our hearts burning within us while He was speaking to us on the road, while He was explaining the Scriptures to us?" -Luke 24:32,
That word was burning in my heart. I have freedom from a lot of things because of Jesus. I choose to not accept it, or claim it. There are so many verses that talk about freedom. How he has made us free, set us free, rescued us, delivered us, etc..
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered by setting me free. (Psalm 118:5)
I am not talking about a freedom to do as I please, I am talking about how grief, guilt, worry, how we worship, other people, and many other things keep us in bondage. How quickly these things can distort our lives and our truth. God kept showing me in my life how I allowed these things to rob me of my joy. My hope is to continue to be willing to see the things that He is trying to reveal to me. There is a verse that many people like to say part of. If you back up and read the verse before it , it goes well with what I just said.

31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;

32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free..



IF...IF you continue in my word. You shall know the truth..and the truth shall set you free. I knew something great was going to happen there. Within the first 30 minutes I had two special Rachel moments. The first one was from ,of course ,the comedians there. They were doing funny imitations of people that might would be hosting the event. They did a bad Bill Cosby, someone else I don't even remember, and then the guy did Chewbacca...for about 2 minutes he made that sound. That is one if my favorite laughs with Rachel We were in my car and I attempted to a Chewbacca, and failed. She spent the next hour, and many days latter, trying to do it and perfect it. We laughed until we had major tears. I think about that time so often. The next nod was from the mentalist. He picked a random girl out of the crowd and put her in a imaginary scenario. She walked in a bookstore, opened a book, pretended to turn to a page and picked out one word. Then the guy pulls out a sealed envelope with her word on it. He unfolded a huge piece of paper that said in big bold letters
L O V E.
Of any word this teenage girl could have dreamed up..it was my word.
There was so much packed in to those 2 days. I should have videoed every part so I could share it all with you, and go back and see it again when I start to drift away. I am doing some serious searching and I hope you continue to follow me on my journey.

A picture of love

My husband takes my girls shopping every Christmas. They really love picking out special presents for me. They are very different from year to year, so I am always surprised when I open them. This year I kinda hinted that Kirklands was one of my favorite stores. I'm so glad they listened. Kennedy picked out a pair of pictures for me. My husband said as soon as she saw them she wanted knew it was for me. When I peeled back the paper, the first thing I saw was the Calla Lilly and the word LOVE.














I could see Kennedy trying to read my face, so I was very careful in how I looked at her. She looked at her gift and then looked at me again with a different look on her face. " I didn't know it said that"..I read the rest of the phrase.---As if you've never been hurt----." I think its perfect, absolutely perfect",I told her. The other picture said " Laugh as if no one is watching". I hung them in my bedroom, right across from my bed so I see them first thing in the morning . I have reread that quote many times..Love as if you've never been hurt. There are so many ways that applies in my life. I'm just not sure how good I will be at trying to apply it. When your heart has been broken in two , its a very slow healing . I love how God uses my kids to put in my face what I am struggling with. In my Bible studies, the word love seems to be a constant lately too.

1 John 4:16-19 ESV So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.


Maybe that is what 'perfect love "does..it loves like it has never been hurt.
Picture perfect Love.

My crib

Having raised five children in our home, I couldn't wait to get out of the baby phase where Everything the baby needs seems to be in the living room. I just wanted to have my house back. And so finally the day came when I could explain to a four year old that this is now mommy's room. Your toys go in your room. And then a few years later, I watched that little girls heart break as she said goodbye to her sister. I watched a little girl who had always been clingy, need to be surrounded by others even more. Now you can walk into any given room in my house and find some of her toys.

My bed









My tub







Yes there are times when I sit on a Barbie and think...this needs to stop. Or as I slide into the tub only to have a littlest pet shop animal or a very hard dolphin pierce the tender part of my foot, I think it is time to get a grip. But then the reality of how quickly things can or will change enters my mind. Very soon that little girl will turn into a teeneager and my bathtub will only have old lady bath lotions on it. There is a verse in the Bible that says

“Where no oxen are, the crib is clean: but much increase is by the strength of the ox.” --Prov. 14:4
In other words...if you want to have the ox you, have to be willing to put up with the poo.
So move over Yoshi and Barbi...I'm coming in!

What could Possibly happen

When I posted the first day of this new year about all its "possibilities" , I really didn't have a clue what would happen next. How could I have possibly known that my water line under the bathroom sink would break...and flood part of my house. And then on Wednesday morning, I would break my toe. I was not prepared to deal with either one, but I managed to handle both of them. I fixed the water line, and taped up my toe. What caught me most off guard was what happened Wednesday night. As I hobbled in to the gym to teach my class at church, one of my sweet little boys came running up to me with his hand held out in a fist. He smiled at me and said" here Mrs. Suzette, I found this for you"..how could I have possibly known what would be placed in my hand....








A heart.....holding a heart...."carrying a heart". Yes John, you did find that for me.
A Godwink at church..it couldn't possibly get any better than that !

If I were a butterfly

Well, hello 2012.
I went today, this first day of the year, to Rachel's garden. This year already holds so much possibility for me. I am hoping to be in a place where I can reach out more to others and not be so consumed with my own pain. I have been in a place that I refer to as a cocoon. I have been wrapped up in my thoughts and have been being still and waiting. I am hoping that this year is the time that I get to spread my wings. I went today and set out some new flowers and of course some butterflies. To me, butterflies are such a symbol of transformation. What a massive amount of transition this tiny creature goes through in such a short time. Imagine your whole life changing to the point that you are unrecognizable. That is the part that is so symbolic to me. The butterfly never questions what is changing in her life and in her body. If only we could be more like the butterfly as we go through transitions. Spending our time being angry and worrying is wasted time. The butterfly is an example of keeping the faith no matter how things are changing. We are all on our own journey with endless turns and shifts, and at the end we are changed. We are not at all the same person as when we first stepped out on our path. I know I have stumbled so much, and don't have the gracefulness of a butterfly, but I am thankful for the unmerited grace that I do have through my Jesus.



But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."


“Lord I crawled across the barrenness to you with my empty cup uncertain in asking any small drop of refreshment. If only I had known you better I'd have come running with a bucket.” -Nancy Spiegelberg


I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I'm dreaming of ....

At 4:30 Thursday morning I had a very early Christmas present..I had a Rachel dream. I have had very few of them, so when I have one they are so intense.This one really wasn't so much of a story dream, it was just Rach. Her beautiful face kept coming in from the side of my view. The first thing I noticed was her huge smile. She would look at me and do that big smile with her eyes and her mouth. She also had really short hair. It was like one of those old school perms that all the moms used to wear. It felt so full of love and laughter. It was like she came just to tell me to smile..remember to smile....I'm here.. As I was out finishing my shopping I tried to do just that...smile..I made one last trip this morning..Christmas Eve morning, and bought some special heart things for the kids . While I was checking out I saw Rachel's face again. I remembered the dream and how she would throw her head back and laugh ..(maybe because of
her hair)..and I smiled. As I was walking out of the store a family had gathered by the Salvation Army can to sing..here are the words I heard as I stepped out the door...

I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS..IF ONLY IN MY DREAMS...









"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you.... That's where I'll be waiting." ...(.me and the little girls watched Hook the other night..I remembered this line from the movie)
Merry Christmas sweet friends.

I wanna know what LOVE is

I honestly don't remember a time when I had so many loving reminders of Rachel in such a short period of time. Like I said before, everywhere I go I see the same three words..LOVE NEVER FAILS..
Sometimes I wonder what it is I am missing about them. Is it the simple message or is it something bigger..something that I haven't learned. I wonder if it is simply Gods way of reminding me of the fact that He is in control, and He knows I will respond to those words. Maybe I truly haven't learned to live that kind of love..the kind that never fails. I just know that this Christmas I have become very aware of those three words. I gave presents with those words on them, and I recieved presents with those words on them also. I think the one that affected me the most was this beautiful handmade pen that my nieces boyfriend made. He gets olive wood from the holy city of Bethlehem and makes these incredibly beautiful pens.We opened them all at the same time, and when I saw mine it was as if I had never seen those words before. It took my breath away.









I felt the same as when I heard each of my children say "I love you" for the first time. You hear those words all your life ,but then when it comes from your baby for the first time it is as if you had never heard it that way ..or felt that kind of love. I pray that this Christmas , I continue to see and feel LOVE. And that I will be able to live that kind of love....one day.
These are the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 that are before Rachel's favorite verses..

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.


I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older


Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Simply Christmas

This past Sunday night our childrens department presented their CHRISTmas program.I threw together a short set of songs for them to do. We only had six weeks to practice, so I decided to keep it simple. Our first song was done in blacklight with orange glow tape and white gloves...pretty far out huh? It was what I call an attention getter. Our theme for the night was KEEPING CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS. Their last song was a silhouette drama to Mary Did You Know. Every time..EVERY TIME they practiced it moved me. We had a simple set and a simple message ...Gods love came to earth at Christmas..He sent His son Jesus to bring life to you and me.







"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons"


My focus had been on this program so I knew when it was over reality would set in. .........I had to go shopping . I got up Monday morning ready to face it. Last year everywhere I went I saw things I knew Rachel would have loved..that was all I could see ..This years message to me was simple..just like our simple Christmas message ..

LOVE NEVER FAILS
I saw those words EVERYWHERE..In stores I never expected to see it in. It was so overwhelming that I got very little shopping done. In some stores I would smile and say a quiet thank you God..and then other times it would almost knock the breath out of me. Love Never Fails.
Love never fails. Love never fails. Love never fails.




L O V E N E V E R F A I L S


Three simple words


that I simply LOVE.

A bigger bang

The closer I get to this Christmas, the more I realize how very different this one is feeling. The first Christmas we were all just trying to get through, clinging to every word of every poem, card, anything that would give us hope. The next Christmas I pulled those "special ornaments" and things out and rode the hope wave again. This year reality has set in. Remember when you were little and you would get sparklers to do on New Years Eve? Oh they were so beautiful..you would just stand there waiting to light another one, so proud of the circles of light you made. But then a couple of years later you realize that the light they give only last a short time.







You get to the point where you don't even want to mess with lighting one..you need something bigger. That is where I am. My sparkler has gone out and I'm looking in the bag for something
bigger. ..maybe just maybe.. I'm ready to try something with a bang!




In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.
When I wake up, and all i want i have.
You know it's still not what i need something beautiful.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
.... something beautiful

Carol of the Belles

Decorating for Christmas this year did not seem as hard as it was before. The girls have to have some things a certain way. I am fine with that...I get it. Kennedy especially has to have things the way they have been since we lost Rachel. Belle has to be on top of the tree. This year Kennedy also wanted to do more of an all white tree. She said she wanted it to be "Rachels" tree.

It really is a pretty tree. As I sit and stare at it in the early mornings before the girls get up, I sit and think about the movie Beauty and the Beast that Belle is from. Rachel loved that movie from the first time she saw it.She wanted all her life to be Belle.I sat and tried to think of a movie that had captured me the way this one had Rach, and I couldn't find one to compare. Hundreds of times she watched that movie. I started thinking of parts of the movie, of how Rach was so similar to Belle. I pulled some quotes from it that I thought were the most fitting.

(singing] I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand .. To have someone understand ..I want so much more than they've got planned...

It's know no wonder that her name means beauty .. her looks have got no parallel . But behind that fair façade I'm afraid she's rather odd . Very different from the rest of us ..She's nothing like the rest of us .. Yes, different from the rest of us is Belle.

...'cause she really is a funny girl / a beauty but a funny girl / she really is a funny girl... that Belle

It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting *ideas*, and
*thinking*...



But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within

At-at least... I got to see you... one last time....



I let her go.
You what? How could you do that?!
I had to.
Yes, but.... why?
Because.... I love her.


Please. Please! Please don't leave me! [Sobs] I love you...



I fixed Rach a tree with Belle on top of it too...just like hers at home...only hers is her favorite color.




The main line from the movie that I keep hearing Belle say is
COME INTO THE LIGHT..

Then Jesus spoke out again, “I am the light of the world. The one who follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”




Come into the light....

B L O O M !

Well I took off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and headed to Moody Gardens with the girls. I wasn't sure how that would work out, since I was responsible for cooking a huge meal the next day. I made the right decision.








That huge smile stayed on their face the whole day(except when it was time to leave).
They acted like we had never been before. It was an amazing day. The animals were in rare form too. It was so nice to just be able to see them be happy knowing that the next day would have a huge void as we sit down to eat. I had went to the store on Tuesday and bought my favorite flowers...stargazer lilies. I also added some yellow roses to the vase. I bought them early thinking they would open and be perfect for Thanksgiving day. They make the room smell so great too. Well Thursday rolled around and this is what they looked like....





No blooms....no sweet fragrance filling the room... I just stood there looking at them ..I tried adding some warm water thinking it would help them to open..I realized as I stood there staring at my buds that I just got schooled on Thanksgiving. I can't force a flower to bloom..God knows when the exact time is right for that flower to open. Me screaming BLOOM at it won't make it happen. There are other things in my life that I can't force to change , or force them to go on to the next stage..it is all about timing ..God's timing. When I am ready , things will change as they should, not as I force them too. For whatever reason, part of me still needs to stay tight in my own cocooned bulb, and when the time is right.. I can open again. God will do it in his own miraculous way..and in His time.
"But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD, I say, "You are my God." My times are in Your hand."




Friday they began to bloom. They are even more beautiful than I remembered them being. God continues to show me how very much He is in control...and for that I am truly thankful.

Thanks for times of gladness

I have been an unwilling participant in an experiment for the past week..my internet was not working. There is a difference in being at the lake and not having access to the internet..and being somewhere where it SHOULD be working, needing it to work, and not be able to use it. I dare you to turn yours off, hide the modem, and wait 7 days. No sneaking on at work either. No smart phones ...rid yourself of the facebook drama and you will be amazed at how ridiculous it is when you log back on. So many things have happened since my last post. Kennedy turned 12+1..I refuse to say 13. She was 13 on the 13th. It was a great weekend for her.
Last Wednesday night we had our church -wide Thanksgiving meal together. It was the first time since losing Rachel that my little girls came with me. I was so glad to see them not have that look of " I don't want to hear anything sad" on their face. Our preacher had printed out some gratitude scriptures and was walking around asking for volunteers to read them. He handed me one and I looked at it ..it said something about a fig tree.. I told him I would do it if I could pick my scripture. He fanned them all out in his hand and I picked one....




My friend Kelly saw my face and knew something was up...I showed her the scripture,and sat there practicing saying it, hearing myself say those words. The preacher called for us to line up to read them and I was number 4. As I read the scripture I was mindful of how many people in that room had just recently lost loved ones, and of those who had also lost a child. I was able to read the scripture and not shed a tear. My voice did crack a little when I read the very last part..O Lord,my God.. I felt as if I had climbed a mountain. Little did I know I was only halfway up. Sunday morning I finished what I started. I sang the special music, but I didn't do it alone. Rachels sweet friend Lauren that helps me on Wednesday nights sang with me. Our song was No Matter What. I had posted it on here a few weeks ago. I had asked to sing a couple of Sundays ago, but we had to wait ...now I know why. God's timing..always perfect. I was so excited to sing this song and to sing with Lauren....and Lauren knew what it meant to me too. She had grown up in our church with Rach, and she and Rach had sang together many times.




It felt good to sing again. I had my verse with me as I went to the podium,and reminded the congregation of it. After we sang the preacher asked if everyone there could say that they had that kind of love...no matter what..I'm gonna love you. What a great start to our Thanksgiving week. I am not saying I am ready ...I am just ready to try.

Heaven help us

As my little Kk was climbing out of the tub, she looked at me with that pleading sweet face and asked. " what does heaven really look like"? I always know when her heart is heavy. I tried to force a smile and she explained" I know about Hollywood heaven, and how it looks on Tom and Jerry....I think its alot of clouds...clouds everywhere"..how do you explain something that you don't yourself understand? I tried to give her a few sentences to help her but in my heart I knew it was about something else. After she dressed without looking at me she said" ummm...say a little girl went to heaven but her mom and dad didn't...where would she be.." I asked her if she meant a little girl like Rachel? Imagine having this sweet angel face flooded with tears of sorrow.









She is so worried about her sister being alone in heaven, because we, her family, are here! What love she has..I explained to her how much God loves Rach and how many family and friends were there too. And then we just sat on the couch with her face buried in my neck..and bawled our eyes out. Evidently two years don't mean diddly squat in grief. Books give wrong information. There is not a timeline on grief. It is a circle....it has no end. Whether you are 8 or 78 it never stops. Maybe this post is for you or maybe it is for you to better understand someone else's grief. There are some days when my thoughts on heaven are almost paralyzing because they are so intense..and then there are days when I can just smile and know that one day...I will know for sure..

Matthew 18:10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.

THEIR ANGELS ALWAYS see the face of God.
It is amazing how just a few words can bring such comfort. I pray that as the holidays get closer that my girls will find only love in their sweet memories of Rach.

32 forever !

I'm sure you're wondering where I have been? My weekend was full of of spending time with family that I haven't got to really visit with in a long time. My niece came in from Cape Cod with her precious family and we had a get-together Sunday. Watching my three nieces ,who are now beautiful women, interact with each other and watching how they loved each others children was at times overwhelming. My niece Amber started the conversation about age. How she couldn't believe how old she was and how I had seemed to be 32 FOREVER !!! In my mind I am still 32..lol.. I am ok with getting older. Growing old is ok...its the growing away that rips me apart. Wanting so desperately to remember more, to be able to see more vividly the memories of those sweet little girls playing , singing ,growing up with my sweet little girl. It is the drifting away from that time that is so painful. I made it through the weekend knowing what was ahead. We trunk and treated with my nieces children and my brother and his very sweet "lady friend" (as Rach would call her). I took my girls trick or treating on Halloween and then Tuesday 11-1-11 rolled in. I tried to stay as busy as I could knowing that I would be taking them to get their new boots after school. I was touched by all the birthday wishes from Rachels friends and from my friends. I had a wonderful time with my girls. We ate out and boots were found!





KK was hoping to get some more boots like the last ones that were made by the company Rachel...we couldn't find any.We did find these with hearts on the straps !! Yes Kennedys boots are very tall...If you spend five minutes with this girl , she just loves boots...she is modest, and carries herself like a 13 yr old should.. in other words...don't be hatin..lol

For me this year was extra special because I also was given a gift for Rachels birthday from my mother.





Amazing isn't it? The photo does not do it justice. It is a rather large painting, and the detail is so great that you can just caught up in looking at it. Rachels name means lamb. I love everything about this painting, how the girl is Carrying the lamb...its just perfect.
"Ah then to His embrace repair
my soul, thou art no stranger there;
There love divine shall be thy guard
And peace and safety thy reward."

There was so much to take in this weekend. So many God winks, so many special moments for me. Some people say that seeing is believing..I say believing is seeing. I don't just look to heaven and hope for a better day, I look up to heaven because I know God is there..in every sunset..in every twinkling star.

"but the most amazing thing to me about who you are,
is you are here, and you are strong.
You are mighty to save us from all of the wrong.
From the first sunrise , to the day the sun falls...
you hold us together cause you're mighty to love."