Carrying Her Heart

I am dedicating this site to my beloved daughter Rachel whose earthly life ended on Sept. 17,2009.This is just a glimpse of the path I walk through this journey of grief.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Chillin


So here we are again at Spring Break .Today it was rainy and cold..not what you want for spring break. Everyone at my house is missing Rachel greatly. I had a dream the other night that she was in.This is only the second time I have dreamed about her . I don't really remember this dream, or what it all was about..I just remember her. It was almost like clips of dreams, and she would just be there in it..laughing , smiling ...just there.I remember her hair.Her hair was so incredibly long.And when I spoke to her, it was with the understanding that I hadn't seen her in a while." Wow , your hair is so long now." I remember touching her hair. It was so real.There was also no sadness.No crying. No feeling bad. It was all laughing and , well, it was joyful. It seemed like it lasted all night. I tried so hard to remember all of it, but I couldn't. There was no plot, no story line, just Rach. I think I will call it " the dream of awesomeness", only because it sounds like something she would say. I also think she would love to have the phrase "chillin with Jesus" added to her facebook status. You can feel free to make a face...but I know she would love it. I miss her so much. I miss laughing and just being around her. I have been having days where the words just don't come. I feel like I write the same thing over and over, so I don't write. It is just part of the journey, the ebb and flow...I don't know which is which.I'm assuming "flow" is smoother...f l o w i n g....or it could mean your angry " kiss my grits"...Only you older people will get that...Whether I'm Ebb or Flo...it is exhausting being me.
Isaiah 40:31 NIV
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength....
my favorite part of the verse..renew...I'm ready..

6 comments:

  1. Found your blog while surfing tonight..... first of all, my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine losing a child. Your sweet daughter is beautiful!!!
    I will be visiting...

    http://homeschoolblogger.com/mama25/

    Stop by and see me...
    carla

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  2. Suzette,
    I'm so sorry for your pain. There just aren't any words to say to a mom who has had to let go, except I'm sorry.

    I hope you will have more sunny days soon.

    Blessings,
    Debbie

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  3. Carla and Debbie, thank you both for your kind words. And thank you for joining me on this journey.

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  4. First of all, I guess the fact that I get the "Flo" reference means that I'm one of the "older people" now. Not sure how I feel about that.

    You write when you write, and rest when you need to rest. You'll have days where you feel renewed and have lots to say, and we'll be here to read it.

    I love you and miss you so much!

    Meeves

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  5. I agree with Amber. First, I "get it", Flo. And you are you, and you feel what you feel, and you write what you write, when you write it. Don't you think Our Father has seen us all doing the same things, over and over--yet He patiently waits for us?
    I'm loving that you got to chill with Rach, while she is "chillin with Jesus". I pray you have more dreams like that--just to enjoy them in the moment.
    I don't think anyone here is gonna judge you by what you write, or when you write. I just appreciate you allowing me to join you on your journey.
    Much love,
    Andi

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  6. I honestly expected " crickets" after everyone read this post. Thank you all for letting me be honest and not judging me. I really can feel all of you here with me, and it means more to me than you will ever know.

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