Giving sorrow words

I had hoped this week would last longer. Next week is creeping closer and closer. Halloween was one of Rachel's favorite things. Then the next day, is her birthday. I will take her sisters to get their new boots as we have done the passed two years. It is just such an empty feeling already. I have a niece that will be in with her family this weekend too, so there will be a big get together with a Thanksgiving type menu....another of Rachel's favorites. I know this time of year is harder because it holds so many memories ,so many wonderful memories . I know that talking about it helps too. Many times I will be talking about Rach and missing her and the conversation will turn to a story about her and we always end up laughing. Shakespeare even said to talk about your grief,,,
Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
Talk about what's in your heart. It does seem hard at first, or maybe uncomfortable is a better word, but the more you do it the easier it gets. It is what is in this heart that I am struggling with.




I keep saying the words of 1 John 4 : 18..THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. ...My go to verse for the days ahead. feel free to steal it and use it too.

He lifted me

I have mentioned before that the main reason I have a facebook is so because I was friends with Rachel so that allows me to go to her profile and look at her photos and read things that her sweet friends go and post. Lately it has become harder than usual. It is really difficult for me to get passed the fact that the people at facebook could just make her disappear.



I have spent way too much time trying to hack into her account to be able to change it, and read her private messages. I know that is wrong, but like I've said before ...walk the journey before you judge. I have also noticed how more time goes on between post on her wall. For most people , they have moved on or maybe it is too hard for them to stay I don't know for sure, I just know that I love to go to her page and find a sweet message of "missing you"..or a dream or anything..sometimes just a heart. But the other day I clicked on her page and found this post from one of her friends.

****Hey Rachel, I've been thinking of you a lot lately. It seems like the closer I get to my wedding, the more I think of you. I know that we weren't very close friends, but I can remember sitting by you in English and hearing your laugh like it was yesterday. My fiancé's mom and I have been discussing flowers a lot lately, and I can't help but think what your grandmaw said at your funeral about you telling her that you want her to do your flowers at your wedding. It makes me tear up every time I remember that. In a way I feel guilty that all of us get to go on with our lives, get married, and start families of our own while you were taken away so young. However, I know that God's plan hasn't finished with us yet. I can't wait until we're all together again!****


and then another sweet friend made a tribute page for her that said








Vhs Memorial Page
Rachel Ann Clark Class of 2008
November 1, 1989 - September 17, 2009

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

... This is my beautiful daughter.

------------------"I carry your heart.I carry it in my heart."-----------------

I started a blog that talks about Rachel and grief.
mbc4kids.blogspot.com

Suzette R. C/O 84

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




She was my best friend. She will always be remembered. ♥
Everyone was touched by Rachel , Even those who didnt know her.
She lived for the Lord and She Loved her family more than anything..
She holds a special place in all of hearts. and I personally cannot wait to see her again.
♥ Haley P. C/O 08'

God Bless you Haley P., and to my dear friend Suzette R. I think of you often and I am continually impressed by your strength. You have always meant the world to all of us that know you.

God makes all of his Angels beautiful, he did not have to change one thing about Rachel

Richard T M.(site moderator)
and so many sweet comments followed.

Just when I was sinking, God reached down and lifted me ..


From sinking sand He lifted me,
With tender hand He lifted me;
From shades of night to plains of light,
Oh, praise His Name, He lifted me!

Tragic

I have wrestled since Sunday morning with writing a new post. Homecoming, parades, even a volleyball tournament all have faded to the background. On Sunday morning after church an 18 year old senior from our school lost his life. For reasons that we may never know, he was laying in the railroad tracks. The train blew the whistle and tried to avoid.....I didn't know Matt. I just know about him. He played varsity football and everyone loved him. He had only lived in our town for a couple of years. I don't know why his death has had such an effect on me. I guess because so much of what has been said about him mirrors things that were said about Rachel. He made people laugh, he helped them with problems, he was the one everyone looked too...I went to his Facebook to read what his friends and family said. I did read several that said they wished they had told him how much he meant to them. That's the part that has kept me in my "cocoon" as my friend calls it. What else has to happen before we really decide to open our hearts and our mouths and let the people that are "so special" to us know now how we feel. We just assume that everyone knows. I don't know what happened to this young man that he felt this was his only option, or if it truly was just an accident. I don't think we will ever know. I just want to know that out of all these hundreds of kids, teachers, coaches, etc..that lives have been changed. This morning the first thought I had was that his mom has to go and tell him goodbye. It is a feeling that you cannot explain. It is comforting to see so many come and be with you, but inside..inside ..its just one long scream. I saw a photo that was taken at the cemetery from this young mans burial. They had brought the inflatable pirate skull that they walk through before the games and his teammates and his coach carried him through for the last time. As a courtesy to his family, I chose not to share the picture.
How quickly your life can change. How quickly a life can end. I know this is not the type of post I usually make. I still know God is in control. I am just like everyone else ...trying to sort things out. So tonight as I sit and type in the darkness, I hope that you can understand . And I hope that it does not take a tragedy to make you see the people in your life as special and you make sure that they know how you feel. Because I know how hard it is to say goodbye knowing that my daughter knew how very special she is too me..
"and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you"
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.

Homecoming warrior princess

Well, my son is home from the hospital. I think it would have been quicker to do exploratory surgery. They ruled out a lot of things with a lot of test, but we are still waiting on the results of a biopsy. I'm just glad he is better.
Tomorrow is homecoming for our schools. Kennedy will be riding in the parade for placing in the pageant. When I called to register her for the line up, the lady on the phone said that my name sounded familiar and she asked me if I my daughter had been in the parade last year. I told her my older daughter had been in the parade, but that was several years ago. As she was telling me what a great memory she had, I began to think about that day when Rach was in the parade. As my mind was flooded with images tears flooded my face. I don't remember what the question was that the lady asked me but I remember her saying " mam....mam" I apologized and then told her why I was crying..."oh my gosh ..that's why I know your name"!!!! She was so kind on the phone. I didn't ask her how she knew, I just wanted off the phone. It seems like the more beautiful the memory, the more it hurts. Rachel had her dream dress on, and rode in her dream car...a Corvette. I still have that dress. Kennedy says she will wear it when she gets in high school. I love that she wants to. I love that she gets to feel like a princess in the parade too. I have told her since she was little that she is a princess, because she is a child of The King. As she has grown, I now see her as a warrior princess. She is smart, beautiful, courageous,strong, non-judgemental, and loving. I see so much of Rachel in her. I hope that as she continues to grow , the qualities will continue characterize her life.

“As painful as the process may be, that which shatters our superficiality also shatters the fetters of our fragility and frees us to walk with dignity and might to our destinies. We are not the fragile flowers we’ve considered ourselves to be. We, like Esther, are the warrior princesses of God” (Beth Moore, Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman).

No matter what

I am posting from the hospital today. My oldest son Rob came down with what I thought was the same virus that I had. His symptoms were presenting different from mine so he made a trip to minor care which placed him in the emergency room and then in a room. At first they thought it was his appendix, then Chrons disease, now they just aren't sure. It's hard to just sit and wait, and not know what's wrong or what's right. I'm not real good at "being still". I think I have mentioned that before..I have noticed that I haven't went to the bad place yet. I know that God is in control and that no matter what ..it will all be OK. It seems that my life is just one big storm lately. I am hunkerin down and hanging on to all of His promises ..that's really all I can do. They changed Robs time this morning for colonoscopy and I wasn't able to get here in time to see him before he went back. I did get to talk to him on the phone, but its not the same,It was a little unsettling to say the least. Right as me and my parents got here, he was finished and was in recovery. He had an easy time with the procedure.The nurse told me that he was asking about me as soon as he woke up. He told them to go tell my mom cuz she's gonna be worried.She asked Rob how old he was and she said she had a 26 year old son. She said it was so nice to see a mother and a son so close. She even said she wished she had that."But my son has a wife ...and....." she didn't even finish her sentence.Yes my son is what I lovingly call a "turd"..be he does have a big heart, and I am so glad that someone else could see the love that I have for my child and his feelings for me..that sweet little boy that would hold my hand in the car on the way to school when he was 12 years old! That big boy who wouldn't go to bed until I could "'come tuck him in". No its not the perfect relationship, it never will be. But if I have learned anything throughout all of this trial,it is to just simply love. No matter what.

You've got 5 minutes

I have spent the last 5 days trying to recover from a stomach bug. So far, no one else in the house has caught it. While I was "out of it" KK decided she wanted to get her ears pierced. She is her own person. She does everything on her terms. She told her daddy that he had five minutes to get ready to take her to the mall..that's funny. I tried to talk her out of it, to wait for me. She said "that's OK...I'll go ahead and do it". I really didn't expect it to happen. I figured they would get there and get ready to do it, and then come home with no holes.But, I was wrong. She came be- bopping into my bedroom so proud.I knew she would pick out blue earrings, that's her favorite color...it has always been . After I was told all the details of the piercing, Kenny looked at me and very softly said " she picked out the September earrings" I just smiled and said " of course she did".
I had no idea that blue was September's birthstone color..I love how everything continues to weave together.






"Life reveals her beauty one precious miracle at a time".

Pinky rings and other things

"A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart".







My brothers sweet friend takes lots of photos for me at Kennedys volleyball games. When I first saw this picture(before I cropped it down), I immediately went to my husbands hand. At first glance you probably think "wow, isn't he a cool dude..he wears a pinky ring". The day before the funeral my mom gave me several silver pieces of jewelry.Some necklaces , hearts, just different "special" things for us to wear. In the mix was the ring he has on his pinky . It simply says RACHEL. He hasn't taken it off since that day. Everyone deals with loss and grief in their own way. My husband wears that ring and carries Rachel in his heart, but he does it for himself. I wear things and go to town wishing someone would ask me about it...please let me tell you why I have this on. But that is me. That is my way. I guess the point of this post is ..maybe things aren't always the way they seem. Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge what someone wears, or what they put on their car, or on a billboard , or on the side of the road. Walk in my shoes for just on day.Or if not me someone else you know that has had to bury a child . Things we do might seem different to you, or maybe hard for you to understand.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love..2Peter 1:5-7...
and it always comes back to love ..

In the quiet

I feel like I haven't stopped mentally or physically for days. Getting up at 5:30 to make lunches and then staying up with my thoughts has been exhausting. The other morning I noticed it was way to quiet . KK said "the bird feeder is empty". She was right. With everything that had been going on the past few weeks, I had let the seed run out but was too "out "of it myself to know. I just knew I was missing something. Now jump ahead about 14hours....
I had just sat down on the couch to maybe watch a little tv and Kennedy poked her head in my room and asked me if I would please blowdry her hair because she was too tired to do it. Honestly, my first thoughts were" what do you think I did all day"?? As I was taking a minute to go thru my list in my mind, the other part of my brain that is linked to my heart started saying.." what would I give to be able to fix Rachel's hair..just one more time"... what would I give..My hands were always in that girls hair. I cut it, I hi lighted it, I styled it for prom..pictures..you name it. " yes sweetie, I will dry it for you". ' I hope when she gets older it is the things that I do for her and with her, and not the things that I buy her that she remembers .I wrote all that to say, its amazing how many new things I still find that I miss about Rach . I guess having a reminder of how sometimes you really don't miss something...until its gone helped me to understand a quote I have in my home..

“We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten.”


PRECIOUS MEMORIES, UNSEEN ANGELS SENT FROM SOMEWHERE TO MY SOUL HOW THEY LINGER, EVER NEAR ME AND THE SACRED PAST UNFOLD.

We are the champions

A little after midnight I was startled awake. I grabbed my computer and saw where my sister and some close friends were on facebook thinking of Rachel too. I got up and for some reason I went into the kids bathroom. I never do that, especially at night. As I walked in on the floor right by the toilet was this little red heart

I don't know how it got there, I just know that it was there.

Well, Kennedy's team came in 1st place in the tournament. I don't know how she was able to play. She carries so much in her heart. I am just amazed by her and how she overcomes.She played from her heart today... Every game. She was the first person to serve today, and she was the last.This is the serve that won the tournament. It all played out like a movie. She was able to make plays that were just amazing.After they had won and were all huddled together is when I began to silently cry. I was so proud and so moved. I am so thankful that God gave us some joy this weekend. This day 2 years ago I began to live minute by minute. Last year I left town for the day..today I watched my child Live her dream..thank you God for today.

Hope for tomorrow

Well, we won ALL of our volleyball games tonight. It was such an exciting night. Kennedy put her stamp on before she went to school. I wore Rachel's Pirate tshirt to the game. It was just amazing to watch. I know tomorrow morning I will be busy because they play early, but don't think for one minute that my Rach is not on my mind every second. So many "winks" today..soo many..Thank you God for them..thank you all for continuing to stay here with me ..and thank you God for my beautiful Rachel.

There you'll be

"There are just some things a mother should not have to do"....I remember so well standing at the counter in the office of our local paper just days after the funeral almost two years ago, with my photo and my scribbled piece of paper...barely able to form a sentence. I handed it all to the lady and just stared at her. The lady looked at me and said those words..
As I was trying to put together something for the newspaper again, those words kept pouring through my mind. And then trying to come up with 1 picture, 1 thing to say. I second guess everything ..because it never feels like it is enough. I wanted this photo because I love how I feel when I see it. And I am so grateful to Tammy Silvestrini, for creating it for me. These words are from the song that Michelle sang at the funeral.( If you click on the photo it will get bigger.)




I sat on the couch Monday after I had spent the morning trying to get this photo to print, struggling through the day. When my husband came home he sat with me and I told him how the day went. Through his own tears he asked " why is this year so much harder"..I don't know ..what I do know is that God is still walking with me. On the way to the paper I stopped to get gas. As soon as I got out of my car , a butterfly came out of nowhere and led me in to the store. I thought that was amazing. When I came back out to pump my gas , a feather was laying right by my door. Like the words to the song say...and everywhere I am ..there you'll be.





****after I wrote this I went back to read it on "the blog"..when I clicked on the photo..I noticed the quote above the picture for the first time..perfect

Stamp of approval

I took the girls to town to find a stamp for Kennedy to wear in her volleyball games. The first "craft" store was awful. All the stamps were in a bin, it was just too hard. We went to hobby lobby next. I had already looked at theirs and knew it was all organized. I tried showing her some things and she, of course, had her own ideas. She wanted a Calla lily.....didn't have it...then she saw this one and grabbed it and said" this is it...and I want green ink..it has to be green..it was Rachel's favorite color".



It was a very hard thing for her to do. There were a few tears as she was standing and staring at the wall of stamps. It all reminds you of her...and when the tears would come, sweet little KK would turn into a little comedian to try to make us laugh...pleading for us to laugh. What an outpouring of love for sisters in a craft store. But then the conversation took us down another road..we had to ask the coach where she could wear the stamp.I told Kennedy I would take care of that. Her coach's response to what we had decided to get was "that's awesome"! Anywhere but on her face or hand..perfect.
Love never fails.

Going up?

I am seven days into September and it has already been overwhelming. I will find out today which team Kennedy is on. If she is on the A team, they have a tournament on Saturday .....the 17th. I don't know if this is good or bad. I see myself sitting in the stands weeping as I watch this child,who everyday reminds me more and more of Rachel,play volleyball. The coach assigned them their number already, she did not get to pick it. Her number is 16. Pretty darn close huh?. I was trying to think of something that Kennedy could wear for the game that would not interfere with playing. Something that she couldn't outgrow, or that would break easy. I thought about a stamp. Some kind of stamp that she could put on her arm, or wherever to remind her of Rach. My choice would not probably not be the same as Kennedys so I will let her pick it out. I am trying to move forward thru this time. I have tried to come up with ways to make you understand. Its not fear that keeps me from moving . I tried to explain it to my sister. I just feel like I am waiting. Like if you were at a train station, or a busy bus station. I see people moving and getting on and going ..and I want to go ..but I stay. Or remember when you were little and you were faced with getting on the up escalator ??? Standing and waiting for the perfect time to step...not too soon, wait ....wait.. not afraid to step...just waiting for it to feel right to step on. That's how I feel. I am not afraid to move up, or forward..It just doesn't feel like this step is for me..right now.

“She wasn’t where she had been. She wasn’t where she was going… but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn’t fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one… And two, you can live completely without complete understanding. .......She was on her way.” -

Dream a little dream...

I can count on 3 fingers how many times I have dreamed about Rachel in the past 2 years. Monday night she made just a brief appearance...just long enough to share a laugh and get on to me about something I was going to do that she thought was wrong. I miss laughing with her so much. Earlier that day, I had found this comedians website that I thought was really funny. There were some expletives in his jokes, but I can read around them..he had other things on the page that were "clean". As I was reading it , I was thinking of all the people that I thought I should tell about it..Well, in my dream Rach and I are laughing at the jokes, but then when I say I am gonna tell people she says" mom, you know it has stuff in it that they shouldn't see"...it was like she was saying, we know its funny, just leave it between us. It was only a short dream but it just felt so happy. It was the very thing I had been missing the most..our
laughing together. That same night one of her sweet friends had a dream about her too! Hers was just what she needed it to be too. I think I have been afraid to dream about her, thinking it would be too hard to see her, but this dream was so much like how we were..maybe I'll make some more bad choices just to see if she shows up..

Bump Set Spike

We are back in school ! This has been a very busy week for us. Starting on Tuesday, I had to have Kennedy up at 5:30 to be a the school by 6:15 for volleyball tryouts. According to her, she has waited four years to be able to play. She started going to volleyball camps during the summer years ago and just fell in love with it. She also knew that Rachel played volleyball in jr high. On the first day of tryouts Kennedy looked at me with that face that I know so well and said " we are supposed to wear a loose fitting tshirt "..in other words ...can I wear one of Rachels..so trying to be as cheerful as I can I told her she should wear Rachs Pirate tshirt.




Perfect. It totally made her day. I get it, I know that feeling...you just need something that you can feel that was part of her. I asked her this morning before while I was brushing her hair if they assigned them numbers or if they get to pick. She said she didn't know. I asked her if she had thought about what number she wanted if she got to pick. Without hesitation she said " I want to be either 17 or 89." It took my breath away. And then I could see the huge tears well up in my child's eyes. I asked her if she was sure, because I didn't want it to be hard for her. She said she was sure..I told her that she could use 7. 8 + 9 = 17.. 17....just take the 7 . You would know what it meant, plus its Gods perfect number.. she said she had thought about it and really wanted one of those numbers. Well, ok..Kennedy made the team, we just don't know which team yet( they have an A and B team).I am very excited about getting to watch her do something that she has waited so long to do. I am also very concerned ,already, about her getting on a bus to go to other schools to play. That is just how it always will be for me. Up and down.I told myself that I can't let my fear of death keep my children from living. I'm trying ..

Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear.
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer.

"but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;"

Thru the fire

Well, I officially have another child in the "youth" department. I have been on such a rollercoaster the last few weeks. I did have a really high spot today too, it was my first day to teach Kk's class. I will really enjoy this year with them, they are the sweetest 3rd and 4th graders. Today at two different times from two different people , I was told the same quote at church...
"disappointments are inevitable, discouragement is a choice."
Yes, I am hardheaded so I had to be told twice..I have thought on it all day. This journey that I am on, this path, is not well paved. It is not for luxury rides.But God will see to it that I have everything I need to endure every bump in the road ,every storm that I drive through. I have been placed on this road by Him.
“The people were much discouraged because of the way.” Another version of this verse says "and the soul of the people became very discouraged on the way. " (num.21:4) The way can get us discouraged: the heat, the storms, the feeling of not having what we need to make the journey. But then there is a Way above the way. Our feet may be on the scorched dry earth but our hearts should be on and in the Way of all ways. Jesus said, “I am the Way”.
I keep hearing the words to one of my favorite songs...

He never promised
that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb

He never offered our victories without fighting
But He said help would always come in time
Just remember when your standing in the valley of decision
And the adversary says give in
Just hold on
our Lord will show up
And He will take you through the fire again

Getting promoted

Last night was the last time for me to teach Kennedy on Wednesday night at church. Sunday morning is promotion day, and she will be going to the youth department. It seems like just yesterday she was in Miss Bonessa's Mission friends class. I have been with her for the past 6 years teaching her in GA 's , and I taught her Sunday School class for 2 years, and then Sunday night class for about 4 years, and then this year doing Flight school. I say all this not to brag, but to say time goes by so fast. Don't wait until next month, next year, or later to decide to get involved with your children. I only got to teach Rachel's classes a couple of times. Most of our time at church was spent together in the worship service, or working on VBS etc. I have so many memories with Rach at church. I am so thankful for the loving teachers that she had growing up at our church. Each and every one of them showed her how to serve, and how to love Jesus.
I hope this inspires you to spend some time with your child at church, or even just to stop and pray together before a meal. I just can't imagine walking this journey without having ALL of this to comfort me.

2 Timothy 3:14-15 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

My sky

It is one month until I have to face THAT day, again. My girls go back to school Monday, and the house will be quiet . Some days are just so hard. I wrote this last night after I saw two of Rachs sweet friends in the store.One girl getting married, the other having a baby. I smile for them, and cry on the way home..

I feel the pain as it swells in my eyes.
I take a deep breath and I realize
True love never dies , it only can grow
Then I look at the sky and its says ", I know."

Reading between the lines

My kitchen remodel ,that I have been hiding in, forced me to clean my "catch all " shelf over my dryer. As I was taking everything down , I picked up these papers that were folded and lying in the very back corner of the shelf.





It was a story Rachel had written for her English class in 2005. I wasn't really sure what I was reading. It didn't look familiar. As I skimmed through the pages the first thing I read was " I realized I couldn't waste my time feeling sorry for myself when other people needed me".. wow..that was all I could read. I sat and just stared at it, trying to understand how I had not found it before. I had been up on that shelf many times...making corsages, getting tools..and there is sat. Here is the story ..

One Windswept Summer

In our life we will come across people who affect the entire way we look at ourselves and the world around us. Animals are the exception. They don't try to conform you to societies perspective; they accept you as you are with all your flaws and imperfections. This makes pets seem closer than any human friend because they listen, without interruption, and they can brighten even the darkest days by being there.It was the summer I went to stay at my Uncle Bruce's farm that I realized this;it was the summer that I found myself through Lamb-Chop.
I was 14 and like many teenagers, I was very introverted and spent most of my time lying in my room staring at the ceiling. My mom, tired of me feeling sorry for myself, decided to send me off to Uncle Bruces farm in hot sticky Louisiana. Let me tell you , I was not thrilled of spending two and half months with a man I only saw once a year at Christmas, but it was nonnegotiable. During the first few weeks on the farm, I stayed confined to my room, wishing my friends were there to feel sorry for me and comfort me. But then everything changed. I was lying in bed one night with the window open, trying to catch a breeze, when I heard a soft moaning coming from below my window. I leaped from the bed, convinced the old house was haunted, and ran to the window. When I looked down, I was surprised to see a tiny lamb lying in the rose bushes, thorns caught in its wool.I raced to the front door, across the wrap-around porch, and to the rose bush to free the tiny lamb.I slowly approached the bush so I wouldn't startle the tiny animal and make it become ever more entangled in the thorns. As quickly as I could without injuring the lamb, I pulled out the thorns, doing my best to make the lamb feel safe. After two minutes that felt like an eternity, the thorns released the lamb from its entrapment.Sitting there in the dark, we just stared at each other , until finally I said " you're free, Lamb-chop. Go back to your family". Lamb-chop sat there staring at me with her gorgeous brown eyes as though she were transfixed, captivated by my presence. I realized that she had no idea where to go and if I left her outside, a bobcat was sure to eat her for a midnight snack. Carefully wrapping the tiny lamb in my sweatshirt, I silently crept back up onto the front porch, through the front door and back into my room.
For the rest of the night, Lamb-chop slept at the foot of my bed, still wrapped in my sweatshirt.The next morning, my uncle, who wasn't exactly thrilled at the idea of having a farm animal sleeping inside,still consented to let me tend to Lamb-chop for the rest of my stay. For the next month and a half, I had been transformed completely into an extroverted person who no longer laid around feeling sorry for myself but spent most of her time running around outside playing with Lamb-chop. I told that tiny animal my deepest secrets and things that I never dreamed I'd tell anyone. I realized that I couldn't wasted my time feeling sorry for myself when other people needed me. Also I realized I had no reason to feel sorry for myself in the first place.I never thought I would actually feel distraught when the summer was over because I never thought I would have the time of my life at a smelly Louisiana farm. Lamb-chop couldn't come back home with me and I cried the whole way home and the next day because over the month and a half that lamb had become my best friend, the one person who I could confide all the deepest desires of my heart and know she would not laugh at me.
The days that followed my return were hard and emotional but I soon realized that even though I lost Lamb-chop, I found myself and I knew the memory of Lamb-chop would not quickly fade. Last summer I went back to my uncle's farm and found that Lamb-chop had been sold to a farm in Kentucky.but instead of feeling remorse,I knew that Lamb-chop's purpose was going to be better served helping their teenage daughter find herself through the love and support she gives.

A test before school even starts

We went today to register Kennedy for junior high. It is hard for me to believe she is two years away from high school. We were there for over an hour going from station to station. We have a relative that went to school with Rach ,whose last name is the same as ours, who was well liked at the Jr high. Several people asked me if I was his mom, or if I was related to him. But when we were almost finished, a lady looked at Kennedy's paper, said her last name..and then said "do you have an old sister"? The look on Kennedy's face was way too familiar. She took what seemed like minutes to absorb the blow. It all went in slow motion for me, watching her take a deep breath, close her eyes, and swallow...I knew that she was struggling with how to answer..not wanting to have to say the words. Finally she looked at me, and I smiled and nodded my head and said " yes" and urged her to say it. She looked at the woman with an almost pleading look and said "yes ma'am I do." Then the lady said what is her name. .I knew that these were all innocent questions. She had no clue about Rach. I was fighting to keep my emotions in check, plus not be in that vicious protect mode. I mainly just wanted it to stop for my child's sake. Once again Kennedy looked the lady right in the eyes and said " her name IS Rachel...Rachel Clark." The lady said oh OK...or something generic..I just remember feeling proud of my child and so sad for her at the same time. Sometimes I wonder how much they have silently endured when I was not there with them . I talked later with Kennedy about it. I explained to her that the lady just saw her last name and thought she recognized it. We talked about what to say or what she could say if it ever happened again. She said it just made her sad. You just don't know when or how or its going to happen... but when you hit that wall of grief, it feels as hard as it did the last time. But , we made it through..that's all that matters.

"When these feet of mine grow tired from walking mile after mile,
And when I think my faith is steady here comes another trial.
When it seems the worlds against me and no one understands...
Don't ever let go of my hand."