Held

I think about Rachels hands a lot. Her hands were very different from mine.I have really big knuckles, and well, basically "man hands". I also have double jointed thumbs. Rachel had what I call "smart girl" hands.They were much more feminine.She had really long fingers too.I was always fascinated with her hands (and her feet too, but that's another story).I can see her holding her phone.I see her holding her purse ,or her constantly playing with her hair..But I think the thing I think about the most is seeing Robin-(her brother),and Kennedy touching her hand the night of visitation. I can see it so clearly..Seeing them hold her hand is one of the most precious, tender moments that I have of that night. As all of the other moments play out in my mind, they usually come back to this. I know this is probably really hard to read and to understand. I don't think I can write it with as much beauty, hurt, tenderness, and love as when I saw it happen,but I know I will never forget it.


"This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved, and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held."