Grief Puzzle

I haven't updated as much as I used to.I find it harder than it used to be to sit and put all my thoughts into sentences that will make sense to someone else.My mind goes nonstop day and night now.I used to sleep ALL night.It was like someone just turned the switch off=no dreams=no tossing=just sleep.Now I am awake most of the night.I lay in the dark and try to make myself go back to sleep,because I know how hard the next day will be.
Easter was very draining, as are all the holidays or special days.I didn't dye Easter eggs this year, we made those rice kripy treat eggs that they show on tv.I just didn't want to dye eggs.I remember every year doing them with the kids. Rachel always tried to do something very different to her eggs.And then fixing the baskets....Since my kids were very little,I have always made sure that everything was even, or the same amount, in their baskets.I even fixed the older kids something for Easter even though they thought they were too big.As I was putting jellybeans in plastic eggs this year, I lost it.It just seemed like everything I will ever do is going to be so hard.I've said so many times how EVERYTHING ,every single thing,reminds me of her.And then I had this one moment of clarity.At least I have a million memories. At least every holiday that comes around I can say "I remember "......instead of "I wish"...... I have memories of when Rach was little doing things, and then I have memories of her when she got older helping me do the same things with her little sisters.As hard as it seems now, I am so grateful for them and I know that one day it will be easier to think on them.After Easter I thought well now I can just coast because there aren't any more holidays...and then it hit me what was next...Mothers Day...that is what my life is now....trying to prepare myself for what I am going to have to deal with next.And yes I know that goes against what I had posted earlier "don't go there, God isn't there"...I'm human remember? I'm still trying to sort it all out.And some days I am failing miserably.I find myself thinking too much about the wrong things.Like maybe I should talk to the driver of the truck?Maybe I should talk to the man that was the first responder? Maybe if I could find out what happened????Why? Knowing that is not going to change what has happened..All it is going to do is torture my mind even more.There will be no peace in knowing any more details.I think it is just a part of the grief.I think it is just me trying to jam all these pieces of some very dark puzzles together,and the truth is there really isn't a way to make them fit.But I think I am ok with just letting them touch,or overlap enough so that I can see what I am supposed to see,and hopefully not see what I don't need to see.