Consider the Lilies

The girls and I went to town the other day shopping for a slip n slide.We went into Michaels because they have a clean bathroom..(always important with a little girl).In the front of the store they had a huge bin of flowers on sale. They had every color of Calla lily that you could want.Calla lilies were Rachels favorite flower.She LOVED them. You know how girls always have a new favorite thing? I can't remember Rach loving anything but Calla's. I used them in all her corsages that I made for her while she was in high school.I stll have them. I used them at graduation. (still have them)...While we were at Michaels, Kennedy was asking about Rachs love for them. She said we need to get some new ones for Rachs garden.She said we needed to get the yellow ones .(Yellow????I said)...yes she said,because that is what color Belle's dress is in Beauty and the Beast(Rachs favorite movie since she was 2).Rachel spent her entire life dreaming of being Belle. She wanted to buy everything she saw with Belle on it. She identified so much with that character,Rachel just never realized how beautiful SHE was ,not just to her family, but to so many others.Kennedy picked out her yellow Calla's and some pink daisy looking flowers, because pink is on some of the Belle things Rach has, too.I have to say....they looked perfect. That night I was on the computer looking up information about Calla lilies. The word Calla is from the greek language and it means BEAUTY..I had no idea. It all connects ...sometimes its overwhelming ..especially at 1:00 in the morning when no one else is around to share in your excitement.
Beautiful Calla lilies, for our Beautiful Rachel.
"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these."Luke 12:27

9 Months In His Hands

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
psalm73:26
Today is June 17th, and it's Thursday.9 months of grief. Back in October , I posted about the day of the wreck.I wrote that after Rachel left for work, a few minutes later I got up to go to a garage sale that was just down the road. There was such an urgency in my mind to go. Here's the rest of that story. The house that was having the garage sale was right off of Hwy 105. I had been to the house before ,several months earlier, for a garage sale on a Wednesday. Everyone knows that garage sale day is Wednesday, it always has been. This sale on September 17..was on a Thursday. My Mom is the queen of garage sales.She can spot one 2 miles away ,( even if she
has the seat reclined so she can take a nap on the way back from Canton).....she had to drive passed the sale to get to my house that day....she didn't see it. Mrs. Rachel and her daughter Melissa were at my house as soon as they heard about what happened.They too are frequent garage "sale-rs"....they also had to pass it to get to my house....they didn't see it.Sure they were distracted and not looking for one, but ...I will always wonder ..was there a garage sale???I thought about stopping and asking the people if they had a sale that day...then I decided it just didn't matter... Even so ,it is very hard for me to go to garage sales now. I loved going to them. I've tried to go 2 times since September...it's just too hard.. The feelings I had when I was rushing out to go to that sale..I could hear so loud the words " just go".."get up"..." go " .."go"....Was it the Holy Spirit? Was it an Angel? I grabbed my purse and I left... I don't think I had more than 3 dollars in my purse..GO...GET UP ... GO.. Some days when I get to the end of the road, I just sit there and look at the marks that are STILL in the road.Sometimes I think ...I not going to be able to keep living here......but in my heart I know that moving will not make my pain go away... this pain that has taught me so many things..things about myself, and others. I do look at things different now. I have a lot less
tolerance for people whining about their "bad day"....really???? let me tell you what a bad day is..I know that's wrong.. I know that life is hard for a lot of people for a lot of reasons... I try to look at a lot of things differently now...I look at people different.. In some areas of my life I do still have a fog, but in other areas I know I see things more clearly than others do.I'm still the same sinner saved by grace.. I just have the knowledge of knowing how quickly we can go from standing...to kneeling ....on the side of the road...
This is one of my favorite songs.When I feel myself falling, I sing this song..If you would rather listen to it than read it, you can click on the title of this blog and it will pull up the video
Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Letting Go

Well guess who is not as weak as they thought????????? Not only did I do ALL of the water slides at Schlitterbahn, I rode some very scary rides at Kemah on the boardwalk. I have to say our trip to Galveston was exactly what I needed. I have Kennedy to thank for a lot of it. When she grabbed my hand and said "cmon Mom lets go do that big one".... it just felt right. Looking down that huge slide and seeing straight down to the ground, I realized how much trust I had to put in the people that built this slide.People I don't even know.I had to trust that it was going to be ok...(fav word)...I had to let go of my grip, and start the journey down...it was fast, it was bumpy....it was scary .... but I did it... That sounds like a metaphor for something doesn't it?? It was physically the strongest I have felt in a long time. I walked tons of stairs. Walked all over Moody Gardens.Did lots of swimming..came home very tired , but in a good way.I also noticed that some awful weather was in the Dallas area right when we would have been there, had we went to Colorado...God's timing.....always perfect..."He hath made every thing beautiful in his time."..Of course I thought about Rachel nonstop,the little girls always have questions about her. I still related everything I did to her..I just feel like I made it over a huge hump. I know there will be others to come.....As I sit here and type my mind is on what the date is..
The photos are just a sample of what Kennedy made me do.

Rocky Mountain Low

Well, as if last week wasn't hard enough...I got punched in the gut even harder this week.Since September, Kenny and I have been wanting to take the kids to Colorado.The little girls talk about it all the time.The little bit of snow we got here made them want to see REAL snow. Dakota has been snowboarding several times,but we ,as a family, have not been.Rachel went with my mom and dad to New Mexico and had a blast.So we thought at Christmas it would happen....no go...so then we decided to go at the first part of summer.I found out there was snowtubing still going on on the weekends..I spent many hours online looking for a condo to rent..I wasted a lot of time. I knew in my heart , I didn't think I could go, but I was going to try it anyway.There are times when I am just going to Beaumont , and an 18wheeler comes too close that it really bothers me.If I come upon a wreck ,same thing..My sister and her family went to the very place we were supposed to go to a couple of years ago.She was showing me her videos and I realized.....I can't do it..I didn't say it out loud until Saturday morning.We were supposed to leave on Tuesday...Kenny mentioned that I sure was putting off doing a lot of things..I told him that it all felt too hard.. I told him I didn't think I could do it.Just to say it outloud was so hard ,and yet at the same time such a relief.He never tried to talk me into going.Never said I can't believe your doing this.....He just said "I know what you mean. Just tell me what you want to do, and I'll do it." I planned a great trip to Galveston in a matter of 15 minutes.The girls are thrilled. Its gonna be hot, but thats ok...I can be home real quick! Its hard to explain why exactly I couldn't go. I feel a different kind of panic inside. Its not an extreme panic attack type feeling. I am stuck in a place where some things are hard for me to remember , and some things are hard to forget. I was telling my sister how I felt. We talked about how much we think about Rach. For me its not so much images , or events.Its so hard for me to put it into words.. It's like my feelings for her are always there...almost like a vapor just hovering over me...Its not a burden ,or a heaviness...it is just how my life is now. If I were to draw a picture of myself , I would put butterflies and hearts dancing around my head.Its that kind of feeling. Always....it is always there. There have been days lately where I feel like she has been forgotten..I know that is not true. It is just where I am right now. I know this is another dark road that I must go down to get to where I need to be. After I spilled my guts to my sister, I told her that somewhere in there was another song.I wrote it later on that afternoon...The last verse I have to give credit to my niece Amber.I sent it to her and told her to feel free to add to it....boy did she..

Feels Like September

This place I'm in feels like September.
I'm struggling just to remember.
This darkness only clouds my mind.
And makes my memories hard to find.

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

I promise I will hold on to.
Every word of I love you.
My broken heart will surely mend.
When we are face to face again

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

One day I'll be where I've never been.
I won't have to look for truth again.
No fear or tears come when I see her.
Cause where she is theres no September.