The Real Me

My sister and her twin boys came and stayed a couple of days with us.The weather was bad but the visit was good.Our kids play together so well,and for a long time.Lots of tolerance for the age differences.She took this picture of me while we were in a restaurant waiting for our food.When I saw it,I realized that she had captured how I really feel.When I say Rachel is in my every thought,it is not a gross exaggeration.I can be talking with someone and in my mind I am relating this person ,or something about this person ,to Rach.I remember exactly what I was thinking when my sister was taking this picture:Rachel would be freaking out about that new camera.She would be wanting to sell everything she had to try to get one.Man Rach would have loved that camera......its all day.Its exhausting.Some times there is a small window of peace,where my mind is quiet.Then the guilt comes because me heart tells my brain ,you forgot about her.It is so hard to try to find the right way to feel in what is now my new reality.A lot of well meaning people have an opinion on grief. How you should feel,how long you will feel it, and what you should do about feeling it.I'm glad I have this place to go to while they are talking.Grief is as different for every person as labor is for every woman.What helps one will not help the other.You have to trust God, yourself and trust your body .Trust that it is doing what it naturally is supposed to do to help you get through it.I am very aware of my pain,and the ability and inability to mask it.Like I've always said.There is no right or wrong way for me to feel right now.Its just important that I feel.The holidays have been draining and it shows on every part of my face.But make no mistake,my faith is not shaken.The words to this Natalie Grant song say it better than I can.....

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me