OK

Well Christmas has come and gone.I was given many "gifts" this Christmas,but not all of them were wrapped, or in a gift bag.I am so glad that God allowed me to have some joy this season.But all too quickly I am reminded of the pain that we all are trying to live with.Tonight when we were helping KK get ready to go to sleep(she likes for both Kenny and I to lay down with her),she said her throat hurt.I asked her if she needed a drink and she she shook her head no and began to cry.She looked at me with such fear in her eyes and said "I don't wanna die".She stared at me waiting for me to say the words that in my heart I knew I could not say.Words filled my head.Do I lie and tell her "your not gonna die".Is that always in her thoughts?Theres not a chapter on this in any of the books I've been given.I looked at her ,I looked at the pain on my husbands face.I did what every mothers first instinct is, I hugged her.I hugged her hoping to transfer her pain into my body.I hugged her hoping to reassure her of something that we have absolutely no control over.All I could say was "its ok","its gonna be ok",because thats my standard answer now for every question,I am ok.Christmas was ok.The girls are ok.Ok seems to be as good as it gets for now.I have decided that ok is ok for now.My pain and my sorrow is manageable.Being ok with not being sad can be as hard as being sad is.Rachel is still in my EVERY thought.Some days things just continually run through my head like a slide show.The days when its all about the wreck or the funeral are the worst.I see her laying in the casket.The whole day plays out in my head over and over. "I don't wanna die" ,not the last words you want to have your child say before she falls asleep.I pray tomorrow brings me wisdom to talk about what I could not say tonight.Maybe her little mind just needed to hear "its ok".

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.psalm 121