I blinked...and another year has passed.
We had to tell someone else that we love dearly goodbye.
Grief can be brutal.
It can also be healing.
Trying to mange your own grief and help those that you love cope with loss can, at  times ,be overwhelming.
God has continued to send me many "daughters" to love and to minister to. I am thankful for the lessons about love that they teach me . I wonder if I will ever understand the true meaning of love while I live on this earth.
This year also brought the birth of Miss Rachel Ann Jackson. Rachel's dear friend  Ashton named her baby after her. They gave her Rachel's name and her middle name is actually after her dads mom...and it also happened to be Rachel's middle name. Coincidence??? I don't think so...
Holding that precious child for the first time  was pure LOVE...
Every day is still a challenge. To" live love"when I am sad beyond words   sometimes seems impossible.
Twice in the book of John Jesus tells us to not let our hearts be troubled. I am working on having a calm heart. It is something I have to be intentional with. It's hard when everything thing reminds me of her. I see her in my girls. Every other song on the radio is a story about her. It doesn't get any easier . I have just learned to live with this huge hole in my heart. People will say to me" I don't know how you do it". And my response is still the same. Faith, family , and friends. And there are days when I don't do it very well. Those are the days that I am thankful for my family that always goes down into the grief pit with me. And I am thankful for loving friends that pray for me and give me time to just be sad .
I cant imagine where I would be without my faith, my family, or my friends. I honestly don't want to imagine.
God keeps putting people in my path to help me understand His love and to share His love with them. And I am thankful for each and everyone one of them.
Thank you for thinking about me today. And thank you for remembering Rachel.

“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star...”

photo by Tammy Silvestrini

For this reason I kneel before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Eph. 3:14-19

The Fifth Year

Its been an entire year since I sat and even attempted to write. Its not that I don't have words. Believe me , they are constantly pouring out of my heart and my mouth. Its as if God has been wanting to keep me to Himself. He has continued to carry me and has placed many new loving friends in my path.
So that is where I am today. Thinking on how God places people in your life at the very moment you need them. I can clearly remember so many of the conversations the day of Rachel's death , and in the days and months that followed. I have learned so much about God, about people, and about grief.
So 5 years into it, I'm still learning. I'm learning how to be okay with MY grief. Some things affect it more than other things. I know very well what some of my triggers are. And I know that even when I am drowning in my sorrow , my God is still there ..collecting my tears.
He continues to speak to me through songs, and through scriptures. And continues to show me His love through nature.
So as I tried to figure out what I wanted to write, I decided to pull back the curtain and give you a glimpse of my journey ...

God is good ..ALL the time.

Thank you for this day

                                                                      Rachel Clark

 Well here I am at the 4 year mark. I opened my eyes and said " thank you Lord for my beautiful Rachel". I went in to the kitchen to fix breakfast for her sisters. Kennedy came in and looked at my face to see how I was. I did the same to her. She grabbed a snack cake to eat. I told her it was a long day and she needed to eat some food. " I can't eat " was her response. She then sat down at the table . She bowed her head and said "Thank you for this day " ..the words went straight my heart. What a picture of grace. And then she said "thank you for this food, amen". I stared out the window and caught a glimpse of the sun coming up. Thank you for this day. Thank you for my family and friends that say Rachels name to me. Thank you for stories that you continue to share with me of how Rachel made a difference in your life. Four years later, I still meet new people . What a difference that beautiful creature made in her world. She did it in the simplest of terms. She accepted people for who they are, and she treated them with loving kindness. What would I give to be able to share breakfast with her, fix her beautiful hair, have those long arms give me a hug, or just sit and watch tv with her and laugh until we cry. Maybe thats something you havent done with your kid in a while. Maybe today, you could make time. We are not promised tomorrow , or even the afternoon. Love your family. Say those 3 simple words that are sometimes so hard to say. I love you.

 If tomorrow starts without me,
 And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
 I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
 Please try to understand, That an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand,
 And said my place was ready, In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind; All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
 I had so much to live for, So much left yet to do,
 It seemed almost impossible, That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, Just even for a while,
 I'd say good-bye and kiss you And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories, Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow.
 But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne,
 He said, "This is eternity, And all I've promised you.
" Today your life on earth is past, But here life starts anew.
 I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last,
 And since each day's the same way, There's no longing for the past.
 You have been so faithful, So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things, You knew you shouldn't do.
 But you have been forgiven, And now at last you're free.
 So won't you come and take my hand, And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me, Don't think we're far apart,
 For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.

Thanksgiving delivered

On Saturday November 10, my husbands father has a massive heart attack at his home. Several family members performed cpr . My husband and Kennedy were in the woods going to make a hunt. I was at Moody Gardens with KK and one of her sweet friends from church. Kenny got the call to go to the house and when they got there Kennedy stayed in the truck. An ambulance came but, God had already taken Paw Paw home. He was only 66 , but he had endured so much pain(more than most could bear) in his lifetime. When I got the call my heart broke for my husband, and it shattered for my child. Her first words to me when I saw her were " I was so scared". I don't remember her ever telling me that before. In her words the ambulance came and they didn't do anything. This is not the first time that this has happened to someone she loved. In the movies , the paramedics come and save the person. Or the firemen save them. But not for Kennedy. They didn't save Rachel, and they didn't save her Paw Paw. So that is where I have been. Staying very focused on my girls and trying to stay afloat in this deep river of grief. (As if it weren't hard enough already). Funeral plans , Kennedy's birthday..Thanksgiving. It all came so fast. And God took care of each and every part of it. And then on Wednesday afternoon, the young lady who wrote an article about "Real Acts of Compassion" that I started on Facebook, came by my home with a copy of the paper for me to see. My beautiful daughter was on the front page. My story was in other peoples hands..again..Talk about being grateful. There were no words big enough for me to say. I tearfully told her thank you. Gods timing is always perfect.

http://www.theexaminer.com/ Today everyone is back at school and the quiet in my house today has been very welcomed and very soothing. I am ready to just sit in the quiet and listen for God. Be still and know that I am God. "The sound of 'gentle stillness' after all the thunder and wind have passed will be the ultimate Word from God."

Real Acts of Campassion

I'm still here. I've been hesitant to post what I have been struggling with but I have been brutally honest about everything else so here goes. I've been wearing a heart monitor for the past 3 weeks. I've had a few "episodes " ...so now I'm back on my beta blocker and they are running test on everything they can to rule out whatever they can. Soooooo.. I've been a little consumed with my own well being. I have also been trying to come up with some way to remember Rachel's birthday other than putting an ad in our local paper. I finally came up with something that I think she would love..... Real Acts of Compassion In 19 short years my daughter Rachel Ann Clark ,was able to make a difference in many lives. Please join us as we remember the day of her birth November 1, by doing Real Acts of Compassion Plan to go visit that person you have had on your heart. Buy someones food behind you in the drive thru . Go ask that person for forgiveness..or forgive that person. Pay for someones gas, or groceries. Hold a door, give a hug, whatever you can do . Rachels life made a difference . Let's make what would have been her 22nd birthday make a difference too. Whatever you can do ..Do it ! Follow us on Facebook and share how you made a difference. R.I.P. R.A.C. Rachel Clark Class of 2008 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. November 1, 2012 https://www.facebook.com/RealActsOfCompassion follow the link to join us or you can comment here on the blog. Thank you for staying here with me and for helping me continue to carry her heart.

lilies and love

God is so good . This day ... this 17th day of September...I can say Thank you Lord.
You see, He didn't make me wait , or wonder what was going to happen..
Yesterday I had the privilege of leading Rachel's little sister Kaitlin in the sinners prayer.
We had went to Kroger's to buy some of mine and Rachels favorite flowers, calla lilies and stargazer lilies, and right as I was looking through them to find the ones with the most blooms, that precious child looks at me and says " I want to say that prayer and ask Jesus to save me". I said "well, let's go check out". Once we were in the car I talked to KK about her request. I wanted it to be very special for her. I asked her if she wanted to go talk to our preacher , or our children's minister( who has a little girl almost the same age )..As a person who has served in the children's ministry for several years, I have had the opportunity to share Christ with many children. This time..this timing ...seemed overwhelming.
But my child ,who has always done everything on her time, said very boldly " I WANT TO DO IT RIGHT NOW". I talked with her about Jesus 's death , ...and sin..our sin. She has been with me in classes at church so I knew she had heard the message many times... I just wanted to be sure she understood and that she believed. - So KK, Kennedy, and myself held hands in a circle around the lilies and I led her through the prayer. It was so precious. What a gift not just to know that your child is saved, but to have the privilege of sharing the plan of salvation with them . I talk a lot about God on this blog..not religion...God. I can't imagine having to walk this journey without knowing what I know. ...without having all the promises that I find in Gods word to cling too..Maybe you come here out of curiosity. Maybe you read my blog to try to understand..Maybe you need hope. Maybe you need forgiveness. Don't wait another minute.


Dear Father God in heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus. I am a sinner, and I am very sorry for my sins and the life that I have lived. I need your help and forgiveness God.
I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross and shed His precious blood for my sins.
You said in Your Holy Word, Romans 10:9 that if we confess the Lord our God and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead, we shall be saved.
Right now I confess Jesus as the Lord of my soul. With my heart, I believe that God raised Jesus from the dead. This very moment I accept Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior and according to His Word, right now I am saved.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me and giving me everlasting life.
Amen.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him
shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

I heard this song the other day and remembered aggravating Rachel every time it came on. I would sing off key and make fun of how the guy sang it. When it started playing, I remembered her saying.." Mom! stop ! I just wish you would listen to it.Just listen to it".....

Holding on

I went to town yesterday with the hope of finding something special to put out at Rachels garden. I went to several big name chain stores and found nothing. The flowers were the same..nothing in any of the stores stood out, or moved me. It was just stuff. I finally made a purchase. 7 green calla lilies and 3 white hydrangeas. Done .
I already had some beautiful white roses that my sister had given me so the flower part was taken care of. I just needed something else. As I was getting the flowers ready , I pulled a green butterfly out of another arrangement and then turned and found exactly what I needed.







This beautiful angel hugging a heart. It is from the tree that we keep up year round in the pretty room. We put all our "special" ornaments on it. As soon as I saw it I heard myself say..it was right here the whole time.
I went that afternoon to the cemetary. I thought some friends might go on Sunday since the 17th falls on a Monday. I just wanted(needed) to have everything ready .
I dont have any plans for the day. I dont usually do anything special on that day. I prefer to celebrate her life.
I want that day to be whatever God has planned for it to be. He took control of that day 3 years ago. And I mean that with the utmost reverence.


If you've knelt beside the rubble of an aching, broken heart
When the things you gave your life to fell apart
You're not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief, or pain
But the Master promised sunshine after rain

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning
Weeping only lasts for the night
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight

Seventeen

Today is finally here. The first game of volleyball!!!!!! Kennedy has been waiting since the last game of 7th grade. She has also worried about what number she will be. Last year they didn't get to pick their numbers, so she had number 16. This year it is their choice. She wanted the number 17. She does not let that number paralyze her, it drives her. I could tell it was really stressing her out, so I suggested she go talk to the coach and ask her if there was anyway she could be 17. Her coach knows why. I had the conversation with her last year when I had to see if Kennedy could wear a stamp on her arm in memory of Rach. I was so proud of Kennedy . I told her that either way it would be OK. I don't want her to think that things will always go her way. Sometimes you just have to follow the rules and figure out another way. Her coach was so awesome. She told her absolutely she could be 17. She told her she would've done it last year if she would have asked.( I don't think I was ready tho) .
So 17 is the number. And she has not one but 3 Belle stamps on. If you are new to the blog .,.Belle was from Rachel's favorite movie ,Beauty and the Beast.
I hope this season is everything my daughter needs it to be. She has so much family and friends that come to cheer her on. I hope that she always knows how very loved she is. And how much she inspires me.. daily.

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero,
I am strong and wise,
And I know no fear,
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes, Everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace,
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my daughter's eyes.

In September

I have been thinking constantly about my dream. Not trying to analyze or interpret it, just wanting to remember every part of it. The feeling I had was what was so powerful. When I was looking at Rachel it was like I was in the presence of someone very accomplished. ...but not like a celebrity..it was just an amazing feeling. I wasn't sad..I didn't see her as my little girl ..its hard to explain.
Right after I posted about the dream, I did a search about songs that talk about September. This was the same day, just minutes after I hit "publish". The very first song I click ..I read this


I called to tell you that I miss you
And I want to be there with you
I guess there are some things I can't control
So, don't wait up for me I'll see you when you sleep
It's so hard to have to leave
When I was so close to coming home

If you dream Then dream of me
It may break your heart You'll be alright
Cos, I'll be waiting for you And I will see you soon...
So don't forget me come tomorrow
At least I'm not one of those Who never got the chance to say goodbye
It's so hard to end like this With only words to say the things
That I could never say In a thousand lifetimes...

If you dream Then dream of me
It may break your heart You'll be alright Cos,
I'll be waiting for you And I will see you soon...


I've been trying to find the song online...and I can't find it anywhere. The band that sings it has a Facebook page but no other info.

The name of the song is
In September.


Daniel 2:28 ESV

But there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries......

This week is going by so fast . I will blink and it will be Monday. And my God in heaven will be there.

A different kind of September

So much has happened since I last posted. God has been so good to me. There have been two more precious lives that have been taken, and I have been wrestling with my own grief and wanting this September to be different.....it will be.
I have been awake since 3:37 . I know because I looked at my clock as soon as I woke up.
I guess I should say bolted up.
I had a Rachel dream. I have only had a few . This one was so precious. It was only a piece of a dream so it will be hard for me to explain it all to you.
I was at my parents house with the girls. We were upstairs talking to them . I say them because I really can't remember which one it was. It felt like it was both of them , but I could only see one child. It was at night and it was kinda dark in the house. I could hear my mom talking. I don't remember all of it but she kept saying "Rachel" in her sentences. Rachel loves you...Rach is always with us.. I remember walking down the stairs and stopping and thinking " I'm gonna see if she shows up"...weird huh.?
Well guess who came walking out of nowhere!!!!! Not from a door or hallway...it was just a really dark area and she was there. She had on her usual...T-shirt and some jeans. Her hair was pulled up ...and not a spec of makeup. GORGEOUS!!!! She sat down beside her sister (no one else saw her) and put her arm around her. I was talking to myself ...I was hearing my thoughts. I was so excited ..I crouched down on the stairs to watch. .I was saying I'm gonna keep staring at her and see if she sees me . You know how you stare at someone when you want their attention ???? (The whole time I am noticing every detail about her.) She looked over at me and smiled ....She sees me!!!!!!!!! Wow her teeth her white!!!! They are perfect and so white,. She waves at me with Both of her arms. I felt it necessary in my dream to note that. Then she put then both on her chest like they do in the movies for a dramatic effect and looked at me like Oh I love you so much .. and then with both hands she blew me a kiss. And mouthed I love you to me. I kept saying I see you ...I see you. It was magnificent. So beautiful.
I woke up immediately and was in panic mode. I felt like something was wrong ..I immediately started praying for our two sons who are both living out of town now...because I didn't know what was the matter. Then I remembered the dream. That's why I was so excited . It wasn't panic. And I just laid there going over it again and again . Afraid to go back to sleep in case I forgot any part of it.
She waved with both her arms .
And then I remembered my song that my sweet friend sang for me at Rachel funeral....
(Yes I know I posted this song last year on Sept 14...lol..it will always be with me)
This September will be different...and I pray that I am too.
**** I just remembered ******
The last thing we were doing before I put the girls to bed was trying to find a shirt for KK to wear with our school team on it. Hers from last year was way to small. All of Kennedy's were huge. I went and pulled out Rachel's "pirate" T-shirt that Kennedy wore last year. Kks face beamed when she saw it. She knew ..she said ... yes !! I ll wear it tomorrow !!! We all just stood there not saying what we all were feeling, ...just smiling and nodding in agreement.. getting to wear the shirt...Huge step. And doing it with a smile. So of course Rach was on my mind when I drifted off to sleep.



I wonder if this was the T-shirt she had on in my dream??????

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 1 cor. 15:51



When I think back On these times And the dreams We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get To have you in my life
When I look back On these days I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar Above the sky
In my heart There will always be a place For you for all my life
I'll keep a part Of you with me
And everywhere I am There you'll be
And everywhere I am There you'll be

Well you showed me How it feels To feel the sky Within my reach
And I always Will remember all The strength you Gave to me
Your love made me Make it through Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me



'Cause I always saw in you My light, my strength
And I want to thank you Now for all the ways
You were right there for me You were right there for me For always

In my dreams I'll always see you soar Above the sky
In my heart There will always be a place For you for all my life
I'll keep a part Of you with me
And everywhere I am There you'll be And everywhere I am There you'll be
There you'll be

No words

This week we headed back to school. It is the first time that my 4th grader Kaitlin did Not cry. I was so glad to see her be able to talk about how she was feeling, and see her respond to my words. Goodness knows I was not ready for them to go back. I have an 8th grader too. That's means next year she will be in high school. She is now sporting the very same hairdo that Rachel had around her age. Long and straight with a side part. I don't know how it evolved into it. We just let it grow from a bob, and now....its all I can see when I look at her.
Today after I send my girls off to school , I have to do something that is so hard. A family that is very dear to me , lost a precious not even 5 month old baby. It is a heartbreaking story. No medical reasons..just gone.
I went to go visit the grandparents as soon as I found out. Rachel loved them both so much. They are the ones she left me for in vacation Bible school to go do dramas with. The look on his face said it all. It took me back to the day I lost Rach. I knew there were no words, and I didn't want to say one of those well meaning but very painful phrases that get said . " Say something"......I kept telling myself..and all the while my eyes are locked on his pleading face. Tell me this is a dream...tell me I will be OK. ..
I haven't been to the funeral home since Rachel's funeral. I've been to funerals, just not there.
I know God is with this family of believers. When someone asked " why us" the grandfathers response was " why not us"???? Who are we to expect things not to happen to us?
I will walk in and love this family the way so many have loved me. I know it is the only thing that keeps me going.


This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

what a dream means

I have always been fascinated by dreams. Not just my dreams, but other peoples dreams too. I wish we still had dream interpreters like there were in the Bible. I think I spend to much time trying to figure out what my dreams mean. After losing Rachel, I went for a very long time without having Any dreams. It would just be black. I think it was my minds way of protecting me. I say all of that to lead into the fact that last nights dream was very intense. It was not at very long dream, but it was packed with emotion.
I was at a house that I did not recognize with a friend from school and my girls were at home(but not our real home) down the street. It was getting late so I was going to head home to check on them, I suddenly felt an urgency to be home with them. As I stepped onto the road, I could see the other house was only about 2 houses down from me. But as soon as I took the first step , the road turned into something out of a horror movie. Actually , it was everything from every scary movie ever made crammed into 20 yards of road. I could feel the fear and sense evil. It was as if I was walking down Satan's road. Just when I thought I was going to scream, I felt a tight squeeze on my right hand. It was so firm. And I heard a voice say, "you know I'm here. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand". As I walked I could see layers and layers of horrific images unfolding. I began to sing part of a hymn really loud and really slow.

O Jesus, Blessed Redeemer, Sent from the Heart of God, Hold us who wait before the near to the heart of God.

I made it (with the Lords help) to my house and to my girls. Then in my dream I began to analyze what had just happened. I told myself that maybe that small stretch of road was a symbol for my journey... how I had been through so much in such a short time. How grief has caused me to fear Everything and make everything seem to be so much scarier and more dangerous than others would think it was. But what stood out the most was the closeness I felt to my protector and guide. Was it the Holy Spirit? My Angel?

For it is written: "'He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully;

Psalms 138:7 ~ “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me: you shall stretch forth your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand shall save me.”

Psalms 91:1,2, 10,11,12 ~ “He that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God in
Him will I trust. There shall no evil befall you, neither shall any plague come near your dwelling. For He shall give his angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. They shall bear you up in their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.”



I don't know. I just know that I felt safe. I felt protected, and I felt loved.
Love Never Fails.

All kinds of smiles

We finally were able to take a few days off this summer and go hang out at our usual summer hangout ...the lake. It was nice to be able to be off the phone , off the computer, to just be able to turn my brain off. The fishing was not great but our time together in the boat was .
On Saturday afternoon Kenny got ready to make his usual run to "Tidbits" . Tidbits is a convenience store about 15 minutes away in Anacoco. Rachel always rode to the store with Kenny. She said she liked the way he said Anacoco. . I had never been until that afternoon. I knew everyone was getting ready to go but I wasn't..I wasn't "ready" to go. That was Rachel's thing. But when my husband said come on and ride with us, I went. After we turned off of hwy 191 and started down 392 ... I realized why she loved going. It instantly is tree lined hills. It is one of those roads that make you feel like you are going somewhere special. Plus Kenny bought her anything she wanted. They made that trip so many times . I was glad I went.
As soon as we got back we jumped in the boat and headed to the sandbar for some swimming. My favorite time to go is in the late afternoon . When we head back and pull out of the cove we can always see the sun as it is setting right over the lake. It never disappoints. That night it was breathtaking. I was staring at it and I heard Kennedy say "look" !!!! She was pointing at the sky. I said yes it beautiful and she said " no look , a smiley face". There in the sky made out of clouds was in fact a huge smiling face. 2 eyes a nose and a mouth. No other clouds in the sky. I don't know how I missed it. I guess I was too busy staring at the sun I didn't notice. Kennedy did. She was smiling as big as the cloud. Of course I didn't have my camera. We didn't need it. Some sunsets ...you never forget.
On the last day we did something that has taken us three years to do. We let go , just a little. We did what we call a little "tubin".







You pull an inner tube behind the boat and enjoy the ride. Kennedy and Dakota had a smile as big as the one in the sky. I even jumped in and took a ride. Its something people do all the time at the lake, but for us it was a huge step . Change is hard , especially when it is happening to you. It seems like it is when you stop trying to change that it finally happens. When you start showing up, appreciating the present moment, and detaching from the need to know how things are going to turn out. It happens when you stop worrying what other people are going to think and start speaking and living your truth.
Let go and let God.


I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Sunday schooled

Yesterday I did something I hadn't done in about 8 years. I went to an adult Sunday School class. I wasn't sure if I was feeling excited or guilt or both...it just felt different. Of course the lesson was on service. (I recently stepped down from all of my positions in our children's department.) But what was amazing to me was one of the first verses that was read . We were studying Jeremiah, Chapter 1.

4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew [a] you, 5 before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. ”



6 “Ah, Sovereign LORD,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.”

OK..When Rachel was in the youth department at some point this next verse was read to her by someone. She only had to hear it once. She got it. She understood it. I remember her being upset about not being able to do something at church, and she said " what about that verse in Jeremiah"???? I always thought she was talking about a different verse. When I heard this being read ..,as I stared at it in my book ..I could hear her voice saying it.....

7 But the LORD said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD






She was never "only a child". As a child she would say things adults would struggle to say. As a teen ..well, I'm still trying to understand and uncover all that she did. Was she perfect ??? No..I never said she was. She was willing. Just like every murderer, thief, and (as the kids would say) ..."loser" that God somehow used for His glory .


"When the journey ends
There's a new beginning"


A new beginning sounds pretty darn good.




"When I was a child
I walked like a child
But now I'm a soldier
Like the Bride and Groom I will be married"

Those are some of my favorite words from this song The Other County....




Your eyes see the shining city
Your love heals the poisoned mind
When the journey ends
There's a new beginning
When the risen man
Heals the weight of time
I can feel it over the line
I see the other country
I see the other side
Do not be afraid of this earthly city
Do not be afraid when the pharaohs nigh
Draw near the lambs awaiting
Where the river runs thru the sky's align
From that painting of a ship
We have all been chosen
To the painters creation
In his dream design
I can feel it over the line
I see the other country
I see the other side
Do not be afraid of this earthly city
Do not be afraid when the pharaohs nigh
When I was a child
I walked like a child
But now I'm a soldier
Like the Bride and Groom I will be married
I see the other country
I see the other side
Do not be afraid of this earthly city
Do not be afraid when the pharaohs nigh
Even though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death
Even though I sink through the ocean
You will rescue me
I am standing in the fire
But I can hear the choir singing
I was a blind man stumbling
But now I see
I was blind, blind blind
But now I see
I was blind, blind blind
But now I see

Allegory of the cave

I hate the end of July. Then its August. Then its September.
This year has been so hard emotionally. I have seen grief manifest itself in so many different ways in my life and in the lives of those that I love so dearly. This time though, it has had a different effect on me. It has quieted me. I have learned that grief is not only a circle ,( never ending), it is also like a hibernating grizzly bear. There are times when I am very aware that I am walking into its cave whether its by listening to a song, looking at pictures, or sharing memories, and I know ...I KNOW the bear is in there but I go on in. Sometimes I can just quietly sit and watch the bear and then leave having seen the beauty in it. But then there are times when I walk right up to it and poke it as hard as I can. And then I just stand there as grief mangles and mauls me ...again. Sometimes its not my fault . A friend or family lures me in the cave , and then they poke the grief grizzly and take off running leaving me too battle the giant...and then put the pieces of me back together. The hardest thing is seeing your child being mauled , and not being able to stop it.
' maybe if I be quiet .....it will just go away". Its that kind of quiet.


For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isiah 41:13

Lord you know I just can't make it by myself.
And you know I can't do anything without your help.
Oh Lord my faith gets weak and I need you to help me stand
Don't ever let go of my hand.

When these feet of mine grow tired
From walking mile after mile,
And when I think my faith is steady
Lord here comes Another trial.
When it seems the worlds against me
And no one understands
Don't ever let go of my hand.

My View from The View

These past weeks have been flown by as I have been getting things ready once again for our churchs Vacation Bible school. There was much to do since I was co-directing this year plus doing all the talking and leading the singing...and decorating...and shopping....its been busy! But it is worth it. The smiles, the singing, seeing the kids be moved spiritually....it makes everything else disappear. While I was running around my house yesterday, I had The View on just to have something to listen too. Barbara Walters was talking about Nora Ephrons memorial service that was just held. She said there were at least 800 people in attendance. She said those numbers were generally for Heads of state or dignitaries...and I stopped and said very loudly to the TV...OR My Beautiful Daughter.(who had more than 800) So then I looked up the definition of the word Dignitary

Noun 1. dignitary - an important or influential person ,very important person, VIP important person, influential person, personage - a person whose actions and opinions strongly influence the course of events






I guess Barbra was right.

Jesus take the wheel

I had the privilege of presenting the Rachel Clark Scholarship at church again this year. It just happened to be on Fathers day. Rachel's brother(he is her step brother, but we don't say it that way) was the recipient this year. You can only imagine all the emotions I was feeling that day. I had Rachel on my mind..Amanda and her precious family...and then knowing how everything that her brother was feeling. It was one of those days where I just had to say those three words "TAKE IT JESUS ". It was so far beyond anything I could handle. The church that does the scholarship was so full of love and hugs. When it came time for greeting people , I saw a woman coming from the front of the church and I knew...it was Amanda mother. I did not get to meet her family last year. As I looked into her eyes I saw where I remembered being. I knew that look . I know that look and the feelings that are behind it. It was so hard for me to stand in front of this family with their grief so new and talk about a hope for a future. Aftere church I was able to speak to her more and realized that they are surrounded by so many loving families and their faith in God unwavering. I honestly don't remember everything I said . I wanted to be sure they knew how grateful I am for them continuing to honor my Rach in this way. I brought one of the wooden cross necklaces to give to Dakota. I shared with them the story of Rachel wearing hers....even as she left this earth. And told hime to let it remind him to have faith
But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. Heb. 11:6

I also shared Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Sometimes our paths are not His paths... so sometimes we just simply need to trust ...we just simply need the cross.
My last verse that I shared was my prayer for Dakota


And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment,
10 that you may approve the things that are excellent,
that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ,
11 being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God...Phil 1:9

Amanda's dad played the guitar and sang a song. Before he sang he spoke about loving your kids no matter what. They aren't gonna be perfect...and we just need to love them . He urged all the dads to take time that day and tell their children -no matter how old...no matter how close or how far away ...find them...and tell them you love them.
LOVE NEVER FAILS

Ray of hope

I hear people talk about heaven and I hear them say things like " when I get to heaven I'm gonna ask God"........ people have so many different ideas about heaven and what it will be like. In my Bible study I came across a scripture that made me look at things differently.




John 16 ...I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23 In that day you will no longer ask me anything.


It's the last verse...you will no longer ask me anything. We will know. We won't have to go around with a list and search for answers , we will know...or we just won't care. Either way I'm good. Because it also says I WILL REJOICE !
This season of grief has been very hard, but I know I am still healing and learning to trust. My little girls have had Rach on their hearts so much lately ( I can tell by the conversations they have about her). They are lighthearted, and full of smiles as they share their memories. I am so thankful that they are willing to share...things sometimes get so dark and muddied up. Their memories are like a ray of light that cuts right thru and leads me to that place ...where my heart longs to be.







This photo was taken Sunday night after I spoke at church. I noticed the sky as soon as I walked out of church. I dropped the girls off at home and went to Rachels garden. When I got to the end of our road, the sun was blazing through the trees. This is a where I look , or sometimes avoid looking...everyday. This is where our lives were changed.

Talking the talk

Tonight I will do something I haven't done in a while. I will be bringing the message in our new contemporary worship at my church. When I was asked weeks ago if I would go in the rotation to speak, I was thrilled. My head has been spinning with thoughts on what to talk about. God has been so good to me . Now as I sit and get ready to pull all my thoughts together, I am feeling a little anxious. But then I am reminded of the Large group of people I spoke to and pleaded with at my daughters funeral. Surely,with Gods help, I can manage a small group. I wrestled with how much of my personal testimony I should give. Losing my child and all that has happened since then, are so much a part of who I am. How could I not include her? I am going to try to keep it light. I mainly just want to do it the way God wants it done.
I went to a online page for our church and I found this photo of my sweet child working the computer.




Hmmmmm. I wonder what You see in it??????


I am also on our praise team , so out of the corner of my eye I catch glimpses of her working the computer...just like her big sister did. There are times when it envelopes me like the best hug, and there are times when it almost drops me to my knees.
I am praying tonight that more than anything the people might be able to say what Job said " My ears had heard of you ...but know my eyes have seen you"

Until Then

I try to start my mornings by reading the Bible, even if only a few verses. There are also several Christian blogs I read too for inspiration. One of them is called The Daily Spurgeon. Charles Spurgeon is a Baptist preacher from the 1800's. His writings are so beautiful . The following words were read at his graveside . I share them with you today in memory of Rachel, sweet Amanda as her family tells her "goodnight " and everyone else that you and I carry so dear in our heart.


We bid thee not “Farewell,” but only for a little while “Goodnight.”
Thou shalt rise soon at the first dawn of the Resurrection day of the redeemed.
Yet is the goodnight not ours to bid, but thine; it is we who linger in the darkness;
thou art in God’s holy light. Our night shall soon be passed, and with it all our weeping.
Then, with thine, our songs shall greet the morning of a day that knows no cloud nor close;
for there is no night there.

Here, for a little while, shall rest thy precious dust.
Then shall thy Well-beloved come; and at His voice thou shalt spring from thy couch of earth, fashioned like unto His body, into glory.
Then spirit, soul, and body shall magnify the Lord’s redemption.
Until then, beloved, sleep.
We praise God for thee, and by the blood of the everlasting covenant,
hope and expect to praise God with thee.
Amen.”