Holding on

I went to town yesterday with the hope of finding something special to put out at Rachels garden. I went to several big name chain stores and found nothing. The flowers were the same..nothing in any of the stores stood out, or moved me. It was just stuff. I finally made a purchase. 7 green calla lilies and 3 white hydrangeas. Done .
I already had some beautiful white roses that my sister had given me so the flower part was taken care of. I just needed something else. As I was getting the flowers ready , I pulled a green butterfly out of another arrangement and then turned and found exactly what I needed.







This beautiful angel hugging a heart. It is from the tree that we keep up year round in the pretty room. We put all our "special" ornaments on it. As soon as I saw it I heard myself say..it was right here the whole time.
I went that afternoon to the cemetary. I thought some friends might go on Sunday since the 17th falls on a Monday. I just wanted(needed) to have everything ready .
I dont have any plans for the day. I dont usually do anything special on that day. I prefer to celebrate her life.
I want that day to be whatever God has planned for it to be. He took control of that day 3 years ago. And I mean that with the utmost reverence.


If you've knelt beside the rubble of an aching, broken heart
When the things you gave your life to fell apart
You're not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief, or pain
But the Master promised sunshine after rain

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning
Weeping only lasts for the night
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight

Allegory of the cave

I hate the end of July. Then its August. Then its September.
This year has been so hard emotionally. I have seen grief manifest itself in so many different ways in my life and in the lives of those that I love so dearly. This time though, it has had a different effect on me. It has quieted me. I have learned that grief is not only a circle ,( never ending), it is also like a hibernating grizzly bear. There are times when I am very aware that I am walking into its cave whether its by listening to a song, looking at pictures, or sharing memories, and I know ...I KNOW the bear is in there but I go on in. Sometimes I can just quietly sit and watch the bear and then leave having seen the beauty in it. But then there are times when I walk right up to it and poke it as hard as I can. And then I just stand there as grief mangles and mauls me ...again. Sometimes its not my fault . A friend or family lures me in the cave , and then they poke the grief grizzly and take off running leaving me too battle the giant...and then put the pieces of me back together. The hardest thing is seeing your child being mauled , and not being able to stop it.
' maybe if I be quiet .....it will just go away". Its that kind of quiet.


For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isiah 41:13

Lord you know I just can't make it by myself.
And you know I can't do anything without your help.
Oh Lord my faith gets weak and I need you to help me stand
Don't ever let go of my hand.

When these feet of mine grow tired
From walking mile after mile,
And when I think my faith is steady
Lord here comes Another trial.
When it seems the worlds against me
And no one understands
Don't ever let go of my hand.

Jesus take the wheel

I had the privilege of presenting the Rachel Clark Scholarship at church again this year. It just happened to be on Fathers day. Rachel's brother(he is her step brother, but we don't say it that way) was the recipient this year. You can only imagine all the emotions I was feeling that day. I had Rachel on my mind..Amanda and her precious family...and then knowing how everything that her brother was feeling. It was one of those days where I just had to say those three words "TAKE IT JESUS ". It was so far beyond anything I could handle. The church that does the scholarship was so full of love and hugs. When it came time for greeting people , I saw a woman coming from the front of the church and I knew...it was Amanda mother. I did not get to meet her family last year. As I looked into her eyes I saw where I remembered being. I knew that look . I know that look and the feelings that are behind it. It was so hard for me to stand in front of this family with their grief so new and talk about a hope for a future. Aftere church I was able to speak to her more and realized that they are surrounded by so many loving families and their faith in God unwavering. I honestly don't remember everything I said . I wanted to be sure they knew how grateful I am for them continuing to honor my Rach in this way. I brought one of the wooden cross necklaces to give to Dakota. I shared with them the story of Rachel wearing hers....even as she left this earth. And told hime to let it remind him to have faith
But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. Heb. 11:6

I also shared Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Sometimes our paths are not His paths... so sometimes we just simply need to trust ...we just simply need the cross.
My last verse that I shared was my prayer for Dakota


And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment,
10 that you may approve the things that are excellent,
that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ,
11 being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God...Phil 1:9

Amanda's dad played the guitar and sang a song. Before he sang he spoke about loving your kids no matter what. They aren't gonna be perfect...and we just need to love them . He urged all the dads to take time that day and tell their children -no matter how old...no matter how close or how far away ...find them...and tell them you love them.
LOVE NEVER FAILS

Talking the talk

Tonight I will do something I haven't done in a while. I will be bringing the message in our new contemporary worship at my church. When I was asked weeks ago if I would go in the rotation to speak, I was thrilled. My head has been spinning with thoughts on what to talk about. God has been so good to me . Now as I sit and get ready to pull all my thoughts together, I am feeling a little anxious. But then I am reminded of the Large group of people I spoke to and pleaded with at my daughters funeral. Surely,with Gods help, I can manage a small group. I wrestled with how much of my personal testimony I should give. Losing my child and all that has happened since then, are so much a part of who I am. How could I not include her? I am going to try to keep it light. I mainly just want to do it the way God wants it done.
I went to a online page for our church and I found this photo of my sweet child working the computer.




Hmmmmm. I wonder what You see in it??????


I am also on our praise team , so out of the corner of my eye I catch glimpses of her working the computer...just like her big sister did. There are times when it envelopes me like the best hug, and there are times when it almost drops me to my knees.
I am praying tonight that more than anything the people might be able to say what Job said " My ears had heard of you ...but know my eyes have seen you"

More heartbreak

I knew this day was coming. Im sure you are wondering where I have been. Our youngest son graduates from high school tonite. I made it thru the prom season...watching everyone post their photos of their beautiful girls. I handled his prom well. I knew tonite would be hard. Graduation was such a HUGE deal to Rachel. She graduated distinguished and was ready to take on the world. Even now, as I get ready for tonites ceremony, I am reminded once again how precious and fragile life is. I found out that the young lady named Amanda that I presented the Rachel Clark scholarship to last year, was killed in a car accident. She too was only 19 years old. She was going to be a neonatal nurse. She too was excited for her new journey. You can go back to last years post and read it. I am crushed. I am left choking on my words. I won't ask why. Even if God were to tell me why, I couldnt understand. My thoughts are not His thoughts. I only know that I need someone to press stop so I can get off of this ride..

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your glorious name

It only takes a spark

This past weekend I had the joy of watching 2 of Rachels friends from her church youth group exchange their wedding vows. It was such a beautiful ceremony. The father of the groom was the minister. He was also the pastor of our church while Rachel was in the youth. The youth pastor from their group gave the devotion, and 2 other girls from the youth group sang the special. One sweet friend was also a bridesmaid. Talk about bringing you back in time. So many others from that very special time were there in attendance, or part of the wedding. I grabbed a order of ceremony and of course the first song that was to played was LOVE NEVER FAILS. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the ceremony, but God allowed me to be there , be present in the moment, and drink it all in. I was able to see only the beauty in every moment , every minute of the ceremony. When I tell you I didn't shed a tear, I too found it hard to believe. I was moved beyond words at what was taking place before me, and realizing that it was something I will miss greatly.I think what helped was finding some of my old video tapes that I didnt even know I had. Seeing all the kids so young, and so sweet had really brought me to a place that I didnt think I would get see again. A place that my mind and my heart had not fully been able to see. I made a video of the video to share with you. Rachs brother is obviously the photograper, because it looks like his shakey work. Just view it for what it is, and what it means to me. Rach sang many times at this little church. She sang with me ,she did solos, and she would sing in the choir. The Lord of love has come to me....I want to pass it on. I told you to keep checkin in.....

Happiness is like a butterfly

As if getting through Easter by itself isn't hard enough, I was thrown into a huge pit thanks to Facebook on Friday night. Due to her page being inactive, they deleted my daughters account. I assumed that others writing on her wall would be enough to keep it going. I was wrong. I did have the option to memorialize her page , but then no one could have written on it. That was the reason I stayed on facebook. I loved to read the sweet messages her friends would go and write. And now, its all gone. The photos, everything.. I must have clicked on her link 20 times trying to see it.. I just couldn't believe that is was gone. Rach was gone. I did at least copy most of her pictures into my computer. I just wish I had printed out some of her friends post. Its going to take some time to work this part out. But God is so good ! He has filled my yard with hope.





I have about 20 monarch caterpillars grazing on my milkweed plant. My girls are as excited as I am ! I have never had a "real " caterpillar in my yard, so having the opportunity to watch that many miracles is amazing. I carefully brought some inside and put them in an aquarium to see if they will make a chrysalis. I have wrote on here many times about butterflies and how special they are to me. What a beautiful reminder of Jesus' resurrection too. I tried to hold on to all the verses and promises that I knew to help me get through the long hard weekend. My mind always goes back to Jesus and Lazarus. When Martha is talking to Jesus and tells Him if he would have been there, her brother would not have died. And then she hints for Him to ask God to raise Lazarus. Jesus tells her " your brother will rise again". and Martha says " I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day". Jesus says to her
"I AM THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE. HE WHO BELIEVES IN ME WILL LIVE, EVEN THO HE DIES; AND WHOEVER LIVES AND BELIEVES IN ME WILL NEVER DIE. DO YOU BELIEVE THIS? "
(John 11 21-25)
My family is always there with a hug, or to just BE there with me. I also kept the words to my favorite Easter song in my heart.
Arise my love.
My niece always sang this song at our church . She would sing it at our sunrise service too. This song was also sang at our church by one of my dear friends in the Sunday morning service the day of Rachels funeral. It was already on the schedule for her to sing it, and God gave her the strength to perform it.


Arise, my love.
Arise, my love.
The grave no longer has a hold on you.
No more death sting no more suffering
Arise...arise....





. ...Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder. - Henry David Thoreau

How Marvelous

I woke up very early with a line from a song going full blast in my head.
HE LOOKED BEYOND MY FAULT AND SAW MY NEED
It is from a song that I had played (as best I could) on our piano or organ when I was a kid. We always had one or both to play on. I remember playing this song because well, it was easy. Now let me back up to yesterday. I posted on my Facebook that the first concert I had ever attended was KC and the Sunshine band. I asked my friends to share what theirs was. As I was writing the post I added in parenthesis that "actually my first concert was the Rambos..you know Dottie"...but then I took it off . Well this morning as I was having my very early quiet time on the computer, I typed in my song because I was going to work it in to a blog..well..guess who wrote the song.. DOTTIE RAMBO!!!!!

The story to the song is beautiful

In 1970, Dottie began writing a song about the grace of God, but was unable to finish it. When her older brother was hospitalized with cancer and told that he had only weeks to live, Dottie sat by his bedside and ministered to him. Within a few days, she persuaded him to marry the woman who had borne him five children. Dottie read the Bible to him and prayed with him. One day, after singing at a concert, she returned to ask: “Have you given your life to Jesus since I’ve been gone?”

Eddie, 37, stared at her with sad eyes. “After the wicked life I’ve lived, the Lord won’t raise a person like me,” he muttered. He reminded her of his time in jail and his addiction to drugs and alcohol.

“The Lord left the 99 to bring a lost sheep like you back to the fold,” Dottie told him. She continued to pray for his salvation. Then she went home and finished “He Looked Beyond My Fault.” For years Jimmie Davis, the southern gospel singer and former Louisiana governor, had asked her to write a song to the tune of “Danny Boy.” With this song, she finally discovered the inspiration. Later that day, she returned to the hospital to sing the song to Eddie.”

We see people preach on TV and we hear them sing on the radio and we think they have these perfect lives. Dottie and her family had a great love for the Lord and it poured out in her songs, but their life was not free from trials. I think sometimes we let our circumstances keep us from doing what is truly in our heart. God looks beyond our faults, we should too.I know I have failed miserably at times when I have been so consumed with my grief, but I am so grateful that God could see beyond me and my many flaws and supply me with enough grace to tell my story and allow me be able to see the beauty of my childs life daily in my life.
It is a very short song, but every word is so beautiful.


Amazing Grace..Will always be my song of praise.
For it was grace, that bought me liberty,
I do not know, just why He came to love me so.
He looked beyond my faults and saw my need.

I shall forever lift mine eyes to Calvary,
To view the cross, where Jesus died for me
How marvelous, His grace that caught my falling soul
He Looked beyond my faults and saw my need.




Dottie was also known to rock the side ponytail..as did my Rach.
Thanks for the wake up call Dottie ..
.