Thank you for this day

                                                                      Rachel Clark

 Well here I am at the 4 year mark. I opened my eyes and said " thank you Lord for my beautiful Rachel". I went in to the kitchen to fix breakfast for her sisters. Kennedy came in and looked at my face to see how I was. I did the same to her. She grabbed a snack cake to eat. I told her it was a long day and she needed to eat some food. " I can't eat " was her response. She then sat down at the table . She bowed her head and said "Thank you for this day " ..the words went straight my heart. What a picture of grace. And then she said "thank you for this food, amen". I stared out the window and caught a glimpse of the sun coming up. Thank you for this day. Thank you for my family and friends that say Rachels name to me. Thank you for stories that you continue to share with me of how Rachel made a difference in your life. Four years later, I still meet new people . What a difference that beautiful creature made in her world. She did it in the simplest of terms. She accepted people for who they are, and she treated them with loving kindness. What would I give to be able to share breakfast with her, fix her beautiful hair, have those long arms give me a hug, or just sit and watch tv with her and laugh until we cry. Maybe thats something you havent done with your kid in a while. Maybe today, you could make time. We are not promised tomorrow , or even the afternoon. Love your family. Say those 3 simple words that are sometimes so hard to say. I love you.

 If tomorrow starts without me,
 And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
 I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
 Please try to understand, That an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand,
 And said my place was ready, In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind; All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
 I had so much to live for, So much left yet to do,
 It seemed almost impossible, That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, Just even for a while,
 I'd say good-bye and kiss you And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories, Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow.
 But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne,
 He said, "This is eternity, And all I've promised you.
" Today your life on earth is past, But here life starts anew.
 I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last,
 And since each day's the same way, There's no longing for the past.
 You have been so faithful, So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things, You knew you shouldn't do.
 But you have been forgiven, And now at last you're free.
 So won't you come and take my hand, And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me, Don't think we're far apart,
 For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.

Ray of hope

I hear people talk about heaven and I hear them say things like " when I get to heaven I'm gonna ask God"........ people have so many different ideas about heaven and what it will be like. In my Bible study I came across a scripture that made me look at things differently.




John 16 ...I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23 In that day you will no longer ask me anything.


It's the last verse...you will no longer ask me anything. We will know. We won't have to go around with a list and search for answers , we will know...or we just won't care. Either way I'm good. Because it also says I WILL REJOICE !
This season of grief has been very hard, but I know I am still healing and learning to trust. My little girls have had Rach on their hearts so much lately ( I can tell by the conversations they have about her). They are lighthearted, and full of smiles as they share their memories. I am so thankful that they are willing to share...things sometimes get so dark and muddied up. Their memories are like a ray of light that cuts right thru and leads me to that place ...where my heart longs to be.







This photo was taken Sunday night after I spoke at church. I noticed the sky as soon as I walked out of church. I dropped the girls off at home and went to Rachels garden. When I got to the end of our road, the sun was blazing through the trees. This is a where I look , or sometimes avoid looking...everyday. This is where our lives were changed.

Until Then

I try to start my mornings by reading the Bible, even if only a few verses. There are also several Christian blogs I read too for inspiration. One of them is called The Daily Spurgeon. Charles Spurgeon is a Baptist preacher from the 1800's. His writings are so beautiful . The following words were read at his graveside . I share them with you today in memory of Rachel, sweet Amanda as her family tells her "goodnight " and everyone else that you and I carry so dear in our heart.


We bid thee not “Farewell,” but only for a little while “Goodnight.”
Thou shalt rise soon at the first dawn of the Resurrection day of the redeemed.
Yet is the goodnight not ours to bid, but thine; it is we who linger in the darkness;
thou art in God’s holy light. Our night shall soon be passed, and with it all our weeping.
Then, with thine, our songs shall greet the morning of a day that knows no cloud nor close;
for there is no night there.

Here, for a little while, shall rest thy precious dust.
Then shall thy Well-beloved come; and at His voice thou shalt spring from thy couch of earth, fashioned like unto His body, into glory.
Then spirit, soul, and body shall magnify the Lord’s redemption.
Until then, beloved, sleep.
We praise God for thee, and by the blood of the everlasting covenant,
hope and expect to praise God with thee.
Amen.”

It only takes a spark

This past weekend I had the joy of watching 2 of Rachels friends from her church youth group exchange their wedding vows. It was such a beautiful ceremony. The father of the groom was the minister. He was also the pastor of our church while Rachel was in the youth. The youth pastor from their group gave the devotion, and 2 other girls from the youth group sang the special. One sweet friend was also a bridesmaid. Talk about bringing you back in time. So many others from that very special time were there in attendance, or part of the wedding. I grabbed a order of ceremony and of course the first song that was to played was LOVE NEVER FAILS. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the ceremony, but God allowed me to be there , be present in the moment, and drink it all in. I was able to see only the beauty in every moment , every minute of the ceremony. When I tell you I didn't shed a tear, I too found it hard to believe. I was moved beyond words at what was taking place before me, and realizing that it was something I will miss greatly.I think what helped was finding some of my old video tapes that I didnt even know I had. Seeing all the kids so young, and so sweet had really brought me to a place that I didnt think I would get see again. A place that my mind and my heart had not fully been able to see. I made a video of the video to share with you. Rachs brother is obviously the photograper, because it looks like his shakey work. Just view it for what it is, and what it means to me. Rach sang many times at this little church. She sang with me ,she did solos, and she would sing in the choir. The Lord of love has come to me....I want to pass it on. I told you to keep checkin in.....

Happiness is like a butterfly

As if getting through Easter by itself isn't hard enough, I was thrown into a huge pit thanks to Facebook on Friday night. Due to her page being inactive, they deleted my daughters account. I assumed that others writing on her wall would be enough to keep it going. I was wrong. I did have the option to memorialize her page , but then no one could have written on it. That was the reason I stayed on facebook. I loved to read the sweet messages her friends would go and write. And now, its all gone. The photos, everything.. I must have clicked on her link 20 times trying to see it.. I just couldn't believe that is was gone. Rach was gone. I did at least copy most of her pictures into my computer. I just wish I had printed out some of her friends post. Its going to take some time to work this part out. But God is so good ! He has filled my yard with hope.





I have about 20 monarch caterpillars grazing on my milkweed plant. My girls are as excited as I am ! I have never had a "real " caterpillar in my yard, so having the opportunity to watch that many miracles is amazing. I carefully brought some inside and put them in an aquarium to see if they will make a chrysalis. I have wrote on here many times about butterflies and how special they are to me. What a beautiful reminder of Jesus' resurrection too. I tried to hold on to all the verses and promises that I knew to help me get through the long hard weekend. My mind always goes back to Jesus and Lazarus. When Martha is talking to Jesus and tells Him if he would have been there, her brother would not have died. And then she hints for Him to ask God to raise Lazarus. Jesus tells her " your brother will rise again". and Martha says " I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day". Jesus says to her
"I AM THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE. HE WHO BELIEVES IN ME WILL LIVE, EVEN THO HE DIES; AND WHOEVER LIVES AND BELIEVES IN ME WILL NEVER DIE. DO YOU BELIEVE THIS? "
(John 11 21-25)
My family is always there with a hug, or to just BE there with me. I also kept the words to my favorite Easter song in my heart.
Arise my love.
My niece always sang this song at our church . She would sing it at our sunrise service too. This song was also sang at our church by one of my dear friends in the Sunday morning service the day of Rachels funeral. It was already on the schedule for her to sing it, and God gave her the strength to perform it.


Arise, my love.
Arise, my love.
The grave no longer has a hold on you.
No more death sting no more suffering
Arise...arise....





. ...Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder. - Henry David Thoreau

How Marvelous

I woke up very early with a line from a song going full blast in my head.
HE LOOKED BEYOND MY FAULT AND SAW MY NEED
It is from a song that I had played (as best I could) on our piano or organ when I was a kid. We always had one or both to play on. I remember playing this song because well, it was easy. Now let me back up to yesterday. I posted on my Facebook that the first concert I had ever attended was KC and the Sunshine band. I asked my friends to share what theirs was. As I was writing the post I added in parenthesis that "actually my first concert was the Rambos..you know Dottie"...but then I took it off . Well this morning as I was having my very early quiet time on the computer, I typed in my song because I was going to work it in to a blog..well..guess who wrote the song.. DOTTIE RAMBO!!!!!

The story to the song is beautiful

In 1970, Dottie began writing a song about the grace of God, but was unable to finish it. When her older brother was hospitalized with cancer and told that he had only weeks to live, Dottie sat by his bedside and ministered to him. Within a few days, she persuaded him to marry the woman who had borne him five children. Dottie read the Bible to him and prayed with him. One day, after singing at a concert, she returned to ask: “Have you given your life to Jesus since I’ve been gone?”

Eddie, 37, stared at her with sad eyes. “After the wicked life I’ve lived, the Lord won’t raise a person like me,” he muttered. He reminded her of his time in jail and his addiction to drugs and alcohol.

“The Lord left the 99 to bring a lost sheep like you back to the fold,” Dottie told him. She continued to pray for his salvation. Then she went home and finished “He Looked Beyond My Fault.” For years Jimmie Davis, the southern gospel singer and former Louisiana governor, had asked her to write a song to the tune of “Danny Boy.” With this song, she finally discovered the inspiration. Later that day, she returned to the hospital to sing the song to Eddie.”

We see people preach on TV and we hear them sing on the radio and we think they have these perfect lives. Dottie and her family had a great love for the Lord and it poured out in her songs, but their life was not free from trials. I think sometimes we let our circumstances keep us from doing what is truly in our heart. God looks beyond our faults, we should too.I know I have failed miserably at times when I have been so consumed with my grief, but I am so grateful that God could see beyond me and my many flaws and supply me with enough grace to tell my story and allow me be able to see the beauty of my childs life daily in my life.
It is a very short song, but every word is so beautiful.


Amazing Grace..Will always be my song of praise.
For it was grace, that bought me liberty,
I do not know, just why He came to love me so.
He looked beyond my faults and saw my need.

I shall forever lift mine eyes to Calvary,
To view the cross, where Jesus died for me
How marvelous, His grace that caught my falling soul
He Looked beyond my faults and saw my need.




Dottie was also known to rock the side ponytail..as did my Rach.
Thanks for the wake up call Dottie ..
.

Painted heart

A couple of weeks ago, I asked a very talented young lady at my church if she would paint a picture for me. I had seen some of her paintings and they were amazing. She is all of 13 years old . I have taken her to GA camp, taught her in Sunday School,and I teach her currently on Wednesday nights in Flight school. Her mother and her grandparents sang at Rachels funeral. We have a connection. I told her that I was going to tell her what was in my heart and I wanted her to paint it. I said "Madison here is my sentence that I say all the time"...
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.
Now go paint that for me. She did.







She brought it to me last Wednesday night, and it blew me away. The halo, the green butterfly, the yellow rose,...it was just full of symbols to me. Things that she had no idea about. The green butterfly- of course green was Rachels favorite color, but the way that butterfly is painted is what is so important. My mother had a huge butterfly IDENTICAL to it that she brought out to Rachels garden. The yellow rose instantly made me think of Belle from Beauty and the Beast , Rachs favorite movie. The halo, well, I'm sure you know why the halo was there. The angel wings covering the heart...perfect. I knew I would love the painting but I never expected it to be so personal. What a treasure . What a gift.There is a verse in Ephesians that talks about the eyes of your heart ...
"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints"

I have talked many times about seeing things differently because of my grief. What a gift this young girl has. And what a gift she has given to me.



Open the eyes of my heart Lord,
Open the eyes of my heart,
I want to see You. I want to see You.

To see You high and lifted up,
Shining in the light of Your glory.
Pour out Your power and love,
As we sing holy, holy, holy.


I want to see you.

Her Guarded Heart

I have worried a lot about how my kids are handling their grief. I know each child is different; they are different ages and they are very different people. I know too that they have watched my every move and tear. The other day Kennedy mentioned that she got a lot of high marks on a paper she had written. I asked her what she had wrote about and she said it had to be on someone special. I asked well who was is? She said I wrote about Rachel. I asked her why I was just now hearing about it..and she said she didn't want to upset me. I asked her if I could read it and she said sure. I breezed through it trying to make sure that I showed NO emotion except a smile. She also said she had to read it to the class. Let me just say how beautiful her paper was. It was so well written. Put that aside..imagine reading it to your classmates. I was so proud of her. I was also relieved to know that my child is OK. I asked her if it was hard for her to read it and she said almost the very same words that I have said to people I LOVE TALKING ABOUT HER.
So here it is..in her own words..from her heart...her truth..

RA RA

A lot of girls or other siblings might find it maddening to have had an older sister; but not me! I had an extraordinary sister , Rachel Ann Clark, for the first eleven years of my life. RaRa was always into sports. Her favorite was volleyball. She also played soccer and softball when she was about my age.Unfortunately she quit her great talent for sports at the end of her sophomore year. One hobby that we have in common is that we have a passion for video games. I remember side by side with her we conquered Rayan, Mario, Catwoman and best of all Zelda. When I was about five, I played her gamecube so much she became enraged. For Christmas a month later I got my own Gamecube! We both thought Zelda was the best video game ever. Another interest we have in common is that we love to read. Reading is one of the many things that Ra Ra did. I bet she can read the whole Harry Potter series in one day!She probably read half of the fiction books in the library by the time she finished High school. Everyone that she knows remembers how hilarious Ra Ra was before she died. She would always take funny pictures of herself. Also she wasn't obnoxious about it like some people. Ra Ra also loved every kind of music. The only music she didn't care for was my favorite music..screamo music. Although she didn't despise it the way I do country music, she cold live without it. Speaking of music, I bet she had the best singing voice in high school. Rachel Clark is the most lovely girl that ever walked the earth. Never did she need make up to look beautiful. Greatly modest. Her hair was as gorgeous as a princess. It was brown, blonde and straight.Best of all, she had the greatest soul.
Ra Ra was kind,sweet, generous , a good Christian, and the best older sister ever.



After she read her paper, there was a time for questions. One of the questions a classmate asked was if it was hard to read the paper.She told them the same thing she told me..


Even in the depths of our sadness, there is a special place in our hearts that is guarded ..that is impenetrable by this darkness of grief. That is the place where faith, hope , and love are formed...
and the greatest of these is Love.