No words

This week we headed back to school. It is the first time that my 4th grader Kaitlin did Not cry. I was so glad to see her be able to talk about how she was feeling, and see her respond to my words. Goodness knows I was not ready for them to go back. I have an 8th grader too. That's means next year she will be in high school. She is now sporting the very same hairdo that Rachel had around her age. Long and straight with a side part. I don't know how it evolved into it. We just let it grow from a bob, and now....its all I can see when I look at her.
Today after I send my girls off to school , I have to do something that is so hard. A family that is very dear to me , lost a precious not even 5 month old baby. It is a heartbreaking story. No medical reasons..just gone.
I went to go visit the grandparents as soon as I found out. Rachel loved them both so much. They are the ones she left me for in vacation Bible school to go do dramas with. The look on his face said it all. It took me back to the day I lost Rach. I knew there were no words, and I didn't want to say one of those well meaning but very painful phrases that get said . " Say something"......I kept telling myself..and all the while my eyes are locked on his pleading face. Tell me this is a dream...tell me I will be OK. ..
I haven't been to the funeral home since Rachel's funeral. I've been to funerals, just not there.
I know God is with this family of believers. When someone asked " why us" the grandfathers response was " why not us"???? Who are we to expect things not to happen to us?
I will walk in and love this family the way so many have loved me. I know it is the only thing that keeps me going.


This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held