The Traveler

Can I just start off by saying how much I despise halloween ? I just don't like it...well except for the 15 bags of pumpkins I have already consumed...seriously..I have never really liked it..Rach on the other hand loved it.Of course the day after is her birthday , but I never understood her fascination with halloween. I want to just pretend it doesn't exist,but I can't do that with little kids..at least KK is on my side about not liking all the scary stuff about it. Today KK decided she wanted to paint a face on her pumpkins that she forced me to buy. I traced a funny face on for her and then I couldn't find the sharpie to go over it. I was looking in every drawer that I thought might have one.I opened my husbands top drawer that holds an odd mixture of things.I picked up a stack of papers and realized there was a stack of cards in it too.He keeps all the cards that the kids and I give him.I flipped through the stack and found a card with MY name on it.It was from a sweet lady at his job..it had this wonderful poem that I had never heard. I am so glad I found it today..

The Traveler
By James Dillet Freeman


She has put on invisibility.
Dear Lord, I cannot see—
But this I know, although the road ascends
And passes from my sight,
That there will be no night;
That You will take her gently by the hand
And lead her on
Along the road of life that never ends,
And she will find it is not death but dawn.
I do not doubt that You are there as here,
And You will hold her dear.

Our life did not begin with birth,
It is not of the earth;
And this that we call death, it is no more
Than the opening and closing of a door—
And in Your house how many rooms must be
Beyond this one where we rest momentarily.

Dear Lord, I thank You for the faith that frees,
The love that knows it cannot lose its own;
The love that, looking through the shadows, sees
That You and she and I are ever one!

Coming Out Of The Dark

I have tried to be as honest as I could possibly could about everything that I have felt, or seen or done..I hope that when you read this you can understand my pain..this is the dark cloud that has been over my head since the wreck happened ..
I have never had any hard feelings towards the man that was driving the 18 wheeler...my brother made it very clear that the man had done everything he could to try to stop it from happening..I believe him...what has consumed me is the residents of the home where her car stopped.They have made many FALSE claims on my insurance to try to make money off of my daughters death..you wanna talk about having hatred in my heart????? Every time I get to the end of my road and have to see their house and know what they have tried to do...Every time I would get a letter in the mail from the insurance about another claim I just wanted to go and tell them " don't you think me losing my daughter was enough"? your roll of fencing that has been laying there for 4 years is useless...that old car that has been on a trailer for 2 years is a piece of junk....LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! I have been very aware of the fact that I need to let this go..My hope is that maybe in purging this out on my blog ..just getting it out.. will help me to let it go..and of course I know that you will read it and will pray for me about it too...(hint hint)...It just goes so far down into the pit of my stomach...sometimes when I see them outside I just want to go and tell them how wrong they are...but there is no talking to people like this..obviously...I want this part of it to be over...I don't want to sit in a place of panic and be robbed of peace ..but right now I can't even type the three words that I need to say....much less say them out loud..I was given a very good definition of forgiveness.. it means you take your hand off of the persons throat....I've loosened my grip... I haven't let go .....yet....I'm sorry...I'm human..

“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered me by setting me free. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The LORD is with me; He is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.” Psalm 118:5-7 (NIV)

Lord please set me free

Sister

This month is pastor appreciation month. At my church ,this past Sunday, we honored our whole ministry team. This year I was included as the childrens minister. I have been doing the childrens sermons in our worship service for around 5 yrs. When I first started doing them I would rehearse them on Rach while we were at the house and then on the way to church. She would tell me if she thought they were good. I can even remember her being moved to tears during some of them. She was one of my biggest supporters. I know she was proud of me for doing them , not just as a Christian , but as a woman. She always had a hard time with the place of the woman in church. She didn't understand it. She asked me one morning after I did my sermon how come they referred to the men as "brother so and so" but just called me Mrs. Suzette?... I had no idea..I knew that me doing the sermon and saying a prayer was a HUGE deal in our church . I also have known how very supportive everyone at my church has been of me doing them, but no one as much as Rach.. I walked in to my classroom Sunday morning and picked up the bulletin for the day. On the front were all the names of the ministry team that were being honored. When I saw my name I sucked in my breath..It said "Sister Suzette".. It made me laugh and cry.I have never been called that.Rach had been on my mind so much that morning.I knew she would have been so glad to see me be recognized... seeing that made it seem like she was a part of it, even if I was the only one that knew it.

I Wonder

I always wonder what goes on inside my little girls minds .I know for KK ,the 8 yr old, she was the one at first that was comforting us. She would say the most unbelievable things..and then she got to where she would leave the room if we were looking at Rachs pictures or if we were having a sad moment. That lasted for several months, and then out of the blue one day ,when we were in the car,she started talking about things she remembered about Rach. I think what struck me the most was the look on her face and the tone in her voice..and when she finished talking, she would turn her head and look up and out the window and just slightly nod her head ..and then she looked at me and said " I remember too"...I remember then thinking that I wish I could just see in that girls mind..Kennedy on the other hand...oh man....she has to have information to be able to process the situation..I know how her mind works..she needs to know ,so she can stop trying to sort it out..she is one of the smartest, loving kids..she has cried rivers of tears..from day 1 every night when she would lay down to go to sleep she would say " goodnight RA RA "..some nights I could smile, and some nights ...it was just too much..Kenedy loves talking about Rach..she can remember amazing details from things that happened when she was very young...I'm so glad...I said all this to bring us up to this week..Wednesday night when we were leaving church Kennedy looked up at the sky and in a very quiet voice said" every night I wonder where Rachels star is"... I could just hear in her voice that she needed me to fix that for her.... I think it was just the way she said it..I want to be in their minds...just sit back in the corner of their little minds and see what sweet memories they have..and see what they think about..I wonder if my being so honest with them was the right thing to do..I know that I am teaching them how to grieve...I also know how very much a part of their lives Rachel was...I heard Kennedy and KK talking in their room the other day..KK was wishing she had some boots that she could wear with her new shirt..and Kennedy told her "Remember we're gonna be getting some new boots real soon...it's almost Rachels birthday".... (Iwould get Rach new boots for her birthday, so last year I got the girls new boots)..I wonder how many times a day they think about her..I hope it is all sweet ...I hate to think that they carry around the same pain that I do ....they don't know everything that I know....they have no knowledge of the wreck, only that it happened...they only know she's gone... and know that every day ..every day....we miss her.

Lead me to the cross

I have spent the past 4 nights at our church watching the "Strength Team". They tore phone books,broke bats, crushed bricks(on fire), and had just as powerful testimonies.My girls really enjoyed watching them ,so I made a point of being there every night.I know what an lasting impact things like this can have on people.
Plus their messages of "strength in the Lord " were just what I needed.I have had a hard time with October. I know that these next 3 months will be so hard. These were Rachels most favorite months. I know what you all are thinking....you made it through them last year ....well now I know how hard they are going to be...I do know that God is still here with me ,and he will carry me through these months..they are just so emotionally draining. It all already seems so hard. And somehow (as KK always says) I will get through each part of it. Some people say the second year is easier and some people say it is harder..I say it ALL is hard..I don't think it will ever be easier..I think this is just how I will feel. Some days it is just easier to find a way through he darkness, and some days it is just an all consuming pit that rages so loud all around you can't even hear yourself screaming ...but then the sun comes back again and you can see, and your mind can be quiet..little things help to give me peace. Little , simple things... like this cross necklace... It is just like the one Rachel is wearing in so many pictures. KK gave it to her..she wore everyday..she even had on the day of the wreck.. I gave hers to one of her very special friends.. and then a year later I ordered myself one...or I guess I should say one dozen....I had a small panic attack.."what if I lose it? or what if they stop selling them"? I ordered enough to share with friends and family..and some to keep just incase I lose mine.. that little inexpensive wooden cross, helps to give me peace..I keep one by my bed..this little hand is a mold of KK's hand that I made. It is sitting on a glass box filled with dried flowers from the funeral. That little hand reminds me so much of the hand of the angel on Rachs headstone..I love that it is one of the first things I see in the morning ,and one of the last things I see before I go to bed...



Lead me to the cross....the necklace reminds me of this song..

In the Garden

Well I didn't realize it had actually been a week since I had posted. Starting on the 13th and ending on Sunday the 19th it was non stop running for me. I was beyond tired...and I was talked out. I just needed to spend a few days being quiet. And what a coinkydinky that I had the perfect place to do just that. When we came home that Sunday afternoon, I came home to a newly landscaped backyard. My sister in law Shana(also now known as the white Oprah) had spent the weekend giving me the most wonderful gift.Her sweet mother also came and helped create my beautiful new haven - ( a place of refuge or rest). I had "kinda" done a little bit of planting here and there, but what I have now is so beautiful.So much thought was put into every detail of it. When I first walked into the yard my mind really could not comprehend what it was seeing. It was so beautiful ,and there was so much to try to take in ..it was just like being in one of those "makeover" shows..I just sat in one of my new chairs and cried..The girls and I have spent a lot of time out there this week. There were also lots of new birds that came to visit too.There is just something so peaceful about sitting out there and listening to the fountain and just "being still". One of my favorite things is a paver that has a quote on it.It says "Perhaps the stars in the sky are loved ones letting us know they are near by guiding us through the night". You see, one of Rachs sweet friends ,Brittni, had came over Thursday before we left to go out of town. She came with bags full of the most thoughtful gifts.She had pictures of Rach for all the kids, and she had painted KK and Kennedy each a special angel picture.But the best part was she had gotten a star named after Rachel! What a special gift to be given .I really was so moved by the outpouring of love I was shown during those dark days. When I read the paver for the first time , I went right into the ugly cry. It just all went together so well.I am so blessed to have so many caring people surrounding me. My family ,my friends..some old friends ..some new friends..but all wanting so badly to ease just a small portion of my pain even if only for a moment. One friend even showed up with not 1 but TWO cartons of whoppers to help get me through that hard weekend. Oh Christel...you know me so well....She also brought me a collection of scriptures and this wonderful poem she had written for me...every word of it was so meaningful..and she included a cd of a song she wanted me to listen to .The name of it is "He knows my name"..that is also the name of the last song Rach and I sang together. This is a different song...but I just thought out of millions of songs ...thats the name of the one she has for me..Gideon Bibles were also purchased in Rachs name ..thank you Betsy for that.My Dad has been a Gideon for many years.Rach actually went with him one time to pass out Bibles, so remembering her in that way was very special. The girls from her youth group at church got together and had a special time of remembering.. I had so many of Rachs friends reach out to me..I am so glad to have them as my friend now too. I hope I am not leaving anything out..I know that I am not walking alone..I know that you understand that this journey is not over for me..that it never will be..and I pray that you never have to know what it feels like to walk it yourself.
Thank you for continuing to pray for me and my family and thank you for carrying her heart.



(I ate all the whoppers)



"Perhaps the stars in the sky are loved ones letting us know they are near by guiding us through the night".


here is the deepest secret nobody knows....
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide..
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)



And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

Galveston Oh Galveston

I had made the decision days ahead that I would not be in town for September 17th. I did not want to give that day or that number any more power . I miss Rach everyday...EVERY SINGLE DAY...that day would not make me miss her any more than I already do. I decided to take the little girls to the place that makes them the happiest....Moody Gardens in Galveston....I took them out of school for the day , and we headed out .Rob rode over too and stayed overnight with us. I was given an awesome discount on a room at the Moody Gardens hotel.The girls have had that place on their wish list for a long time..We had a wonderful 2 days . So many moments I was able to be filled with memories of her, and smile..When I could feel myself beginning to be sad, something or someone would always lift me up... The sky Friday night was pure amethyst..The fat little baby at the pool who stared at me forever wanting me to make him smile. I tried for at least 30 minutes to get a grin out of that boy..finally his mom said "Oh Angus aren't you gonna smile at that lady"?..He did ..he looked at me with his deep brown eyes and smiled a smile that I thought was just for me..The next day we went to my sisters house in Houston. Her twin 10 year old boys were going to be baptized. I was a little worried about how that would affect me , but I really wanted to be there and I wanted my girls to be there for them.The preacher went into the baptistery and called for both of them to join him..immediately my mind went back to when Robin and Rachel were in the baptistery together...it washed over me like a huge wave , but I was able to stop and say to myself " yes what a precious sight for a Mom ..and to know their child has everlasting life"..
I had a few visitors before I left town, and was given some really special gifts.I was also sent the sweetest cards. I'll save all the gifts for a later post..I was so touched by all the things placed at the cemetery. I was also really moved by all the photos and sweet comments that her friends ,and my friends ,posted on facebook.So much love ....
When I close my eyes I see myself walking down this awful path of grief and ALL of my family and friends- from school and from church and Rachs friends,and people that I know only because of my grief(but that I feel very close too) are all holding hands and making a circle around me..they walk this path with me..sometimes someone will move out of the circle and walk beside me...sometimes they put an arm around me and help me walk..and sometimes they will even walk for me when I cannot stand.....I am so thankful for all of you..even those that are not here in town...I know in my heart you are here ...I know you too are in the circle of love that surrounds me..




Eternal life isn’t only waiting for us one day in heaven. But eternal life is Jesus! and it is a close intimate relationship with Him that begins here on earth.
Jesus said in John 17:3," And this is eternal life, that they might know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."

There Will Be A Day

RACHEL ANN

Nov. 1, 1989

Sept. 17,2009


When you lose someone you love, it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence... a quiet sadness... A longing for one more day... one more word... one more touch... We may not understand why Rachel left this earth so soon, or why she left before we were ready to say good-bye.. but little by little, we will begin to remember not just that she died, but that she LIVED....And that her life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.
We will see you again Rach...some day, in a heavenly place where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye....

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always..

Life Coach?

The past 2 days I have been attending a class on being a "life coach". I had only recently become aware of what one even is. My seminary teacher had attended the class last year and had asked me if he could do a free session on me.He asked me last week in class if I would be interested in taking the course.."sure"...I had spent the last year being so focused on death, "life coaching" sounded like a good challenge. I had told myself if all I got out of it was a new way to talk to my kids about their problems,then it was worth it. I really have enjoyed the class. It has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I really am looking forward to using what I have learned, and learning more about life coaching. I am praying for God to show me how he wants me to use this. I had an AH HA moment while I was talking to someone during one of our "coaching" sessions. I want to find a way to incorporate this in with grief help. I don't like the word recovery..I will never recover from losing Rachel.....I will never stop loving her and I will never stop being her mom. I will never stop acknowledging her in my everyday conversation. I can't imagine not talking about her....that being said, I am anxious to see which path God will set before me with my new tools .I hope my eyes and my heart stay open and I don't try to steer myself down the path I want to go. .."many are the plans is a man's heart, but it's the Lords' purpose that prevail". prov. 19:21

Nine Eleven

if you look close, you can see her cross necklace.(its in a lot of pics)

these photos were on Rachs phone from her trip to Illinois on 9/11/09

I remember so clearly September 11, 2001 and September 11, 2009.The ones in between are not as clear. I remember in 2001 sitting in my living room staring at the tv in shock, disbelief , fear and anger wanting desperately for someone to tell me that what I was seeing was not really happening.. I sat there for days glued to the tv. There are some in events in life that go so deeply .. "cut to the heart" as Acts 2:37 says. Last year on September 1o Rach was flying to Illinois to watch one of her very best friends graduate from boot camp in the Navy...on September 11.They were supposed to fly home that night. I remember thinking ,when she was getting in her car to drive to the airport , " she might not come back"..then their flight was delayed so they had to stay in the airport all night..I was so worried the whole time .....it was only 7 days later ..

From My Daughter

What a nice long Labor Day weekend this one was! I labored all weekend...I decided to do some purging of things in the girls play room, and just spent the days going through drawers and closets.. I found this note underneath one of my jewelry boxes. I remembered the morning I came home from bringing Kennedy to school and found this in my room..Rachel left for school later than the little girls, so she slipped it in there while I was gone. I knew it was something she had found on the internet and copied, but I loved that she had read it and wanted me to have it.She took the time to write it out for me..I read it quite a few times when I found it, both then and now. It was folded in half and on the outside it simply says MOM..




if you click on the image it will make it larger..



Thou O Lord wilt not withhold thy compassion from me;Thy lovingkindness and Thy truth will continually preserve me..psalm 40:11

lovingkindness ......a word that is not said very often , nor do we fully understand what it means to live it..but I am so glad that my Lord does.

While You're Gone,You're Not Forgotten

Five years ago my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary. My mother asked Rachel to write something special for that day. Every since Rach could talk she made up songs, usually they sounded like Disney show tunes. She just had a different way of looking at things.She was a wonderful poet. This is her poem, and these are her pictures. She took them when she had rode to Galveston for the day with my parents.
Happy Anniversay Memom and Mr. Paulien...

FIFTY YEARS

Fifty means never having to say you’re sorry...
But doing it anyway.
Fifty means always knowing just the right thing to say.
Fifty means sharing inside jokes and side-splitting laughter.
Fifty means loving forever and then, some after.
Fifty means knowing that you just don’t care
About the few extra pounds and few less hair.
Fifty means looking good in high-waisted pants and orthopedic shoes.
Fifty means the night’s entertainment is watching CNN news.
Fifty means together maintaining the back yard garden.
Fifty means while you’re gone, ..you’re not forgotten.
Fifty means sticking his stuff back on the store shelf.
Fifty means it’s easier just to be yourself.
Fifty means regular trips to Canton and antique malls.
Fifty means watching each other to make sure no one trips or falls.
Fifty means having grandkids who love you dearly.
Fifty means without each other, you couldn’t think clearly.
Fifty means a lot of things, but one thing rings true;
Fifty years doesn’t seem so long, because I’m spending them with you….

Love;
Rachel

The S Word

Before I opened my eyes this morning, I knew today was going to be hard. Its the last day of August.Tomorrow I have to start saying and writing the month I have been dreading. Of all things I have had to "get through"..September is trying to be the hardest. I've known all month it was coming..I might not be ready , but I know God is. Every morning before I get out of bed, I try to read my GriefShare message of the day. Even if the message doesn't help, the Bible verses always give me comfort. Today's message jolted me awake. It reaffirmed everything that had been "God-breathed" into my heart,soul,and mind. I am going to re post it just as I read it =

The God of Hope
Day 275

One of the consistent testimonies in Scripture is that faith can grow strong during the darkest times of adversity. It is during those darkest moments that you come to know personally that your Lord is the God of hope.

"One thing about being in grief is that your sorrow is certain, and your loss is so real you literally taste it to the depth of your being," says Dr. Joseph Stowell. "You have to have a certainty that is bigger than the certainty of your sorrow.

"That is why you must train yourself in biblical hope where you are absolutely convinced that God is and that He has a world to come for you and that on the other side everything will be okay. That certainty has to be bigger than the certainty of your sorrows."

Ideally, this biblical training should come before times of adversity, so you can be at least somewhat prepared to face it. But if you are not absolutely sure that God is everything He says He is, then tell Him your doubts and confusion. Study the Bible to learn more about Him. We suggest that you begin reading the book of John or Mark.

If you are sure that Christ Jesus is your only secure hope for life, and life after death, then praise His name, and seek to know Him more fully.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you" (1 Peter 1:3-4).

Jesus, I am certain to the depth of my being that You are the living God and that everything will be okay through You. Amen.

my favorite word ...OK
It was even in the prayer! On the day that I needed Him more than ever,God showed me in a very real way...It is gonna be ok. I am holding on to the God that has carried me this far .I don't know what September will hold for me, but I know WHO will be holding my hand.

My Heart is There

beautiful photo created by Tammy Silvestrini


Oh that everyone would be so blessed to have such loving friends to help them through their darkest of days. One special friend sent me this poem.There is a beautiful personal story that goes along with it.She was having her morning devotion time and it was part of it .She thought of this photo of Rach when she read the poem, and sent it to me. The other friend created this picture for me.Both ladies I have a bond with because we the walk the same path. One lady I see at church and correspond with through the computer. The lady that created the photo for me, I have never met in person,we only correspond through the computer.Even so, both have seen into my heart and more importantly have listened to what God has placed in their hearts to share with me..and now I must share it with you.

My heart is there!
Where, on the eternal hills, my loved one dwells
Among the lilies and asphodels;
Clad in the brightness of the Great White Throne,
Clad in the smile of Him who sits thereon,
The glory gilding all His wealth of hair
And making His immortal face more fair--
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.

My heart is there!
With Him who made all earthly life so sweet,
So fit to live, and yet to die so meet;
So mild, so grand, so gentle and so brave,
So ready to forgive, so strong to save.
His fair, pure Spirit makes the Heavens more fair,
And thither rises all my longing prayer--
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.

Thank you Theresa for the beautiful poem.

First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for the kids. Kennedy was ready but KK ...well..she has never really "wanted" to go to school.She knows she has to go. This year my stepson is going to be going to school in our district. I was a little worried about how I would feel when I pulled up in front of the school to drop him off. Well God took care of that for me.It was so chaotic at the elementary and the middle school it had me in frenzy. It worked..I made it through the 1st day. Rachel was still part of the day. A photo of her is in part of the "back to school" photo, but the best part was this precious poem KK gave to me . She had drawn a picture of a hand with a heart in it. If you have read any part of this blog , you will understand ...


This special heart I give to you
Because you love me
And I love you.
The heart is you ,the hand is me,
It shows we are a family.

A piece of me I give to you,
This special heart because
I love you!
The heart is you ,the hand is me
It shows that we
are a family.

Sunsets I Won't Forget

Rachel-"whats your favorite color"?
Me-" the purplish pink color the sky turns when the sun is setting".
Rachel- "why"?
Me-" because only God can make it. Every time its a little different, but its always perfect".

I find myself being drawn to the sky.Sometimes it whispers to me..sometimes it screams for me to look at it..Every night that we were at the lake and we were on the water it was perfection..It was very different every night. There is something about being out on the water and being able to see the magnificence of the violet and pink as it becomes one with the sun.. Some nights I can just breath it in and smile.Some nights its as if I am looking into her face and my heart breaks once again..
How could someone look at that sky...and not know that there is a God..

psalm 19
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork.
2 Day unto day utters speech,
And night unto night reveals knowledge.
3 There is no speech nor language
Where their voice is not heard.

14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer

Lil Quicksand

Today I started a new chapter in this journey. I attended my first seminary class. It is only myself and one other lady in it...The teacher is a our churches minister of education.The class came up in a quick conversation we were having, and I said "sure,I'd love to take it". We took a few minutes before class to tell about ourselves.When it was my turn I said jokingly" didn't you see the paper Sunday"??? No she hadn't...I had to hear myself say out loud my story..I struggle with the phrasing when asked how many kids I have..Then I heard myself say " As a matter of fact its 11 months today"...For a few seconds I couldn't breath. But then I started talking again and I knew that I was going to be ok. I also know what is next,the one year anniversay, and I struggle with what I am supposed to do .But just like everything else I will leave it in God's hands."For this I have Jesus".
I have so many things to share with you about our recent trip to the lake. I'll start with the drive. One of the very first times we made the trip we passed this sign.Rachel said" whenever I turn gangster that is what my street name will be....lil quicksand"... If you knew Rach,you know how she had "nerdy" tendencies so that statement was hilarious... Every drive she would look for that sign.If she was reading she would say "let me know when my name is up"...I had to stop and take a picture of it. Every time she would say it and throw her head back and laugh.. some days I have felt like I was in quicksand. The more I tried to get out of grief ,the more it overtook me..but on the day I took the photo , and today, I was able to move through it. There are days when you feel like you are stuck and you will be stuck there for the rest of your life.. just like when you are in real quicksand they tell you to be still and not fight it,.. I think the same thing can apply to grief. Be still and know....Stand still — not because of a self-made confidence, not because you think you have all the answers.. Be still because of what you know about God.I tried filling my life up with unimportant things to distract me..it really didn't work.It might work for a day or two, but the grief is still there, in the same place you left it.At first I just kept saying" I am sad..I get to be sad"..Jesus wept when he heard how his friend Lazarus had died.The Jews said "See how he loved him"....

See how I loved her....


“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth do change” (Psalm 46:1-2a).

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I am so glad to be home! We had a wonderful week at the lake.It was beyond hot, but we have our routine down so that we avoid the hottest part of the day. I found myself being way to distracted by what happened Friday before we left, and what was to come.Beth Rankin, the journalist who wrote the article about Rachels wreck, had came to the house for a 3rd interview for a piece she was doing on grief and using media...like this blog... to help.. Panic set in. What did I say ?????? Will anyone even care??? Sunday couldn't get here fast enough. My mom called Sunday morning and asked me what I thought of the article..I told her I hadn't seen it...They didn't have a paper at the lake..She told me I was on the front page...It took a few minutes to process..I thought it might would be on the front of the "Life and Leisure" section..but not the front page.. My mother thought it was wonderful.We cleaned up,packed up, and loaded up to head home. We have to take two cars to bring all our stuff, so KK and I headed home in our car. I stopped in the first town that I saw had a Beaumont Enterprise... I could hardly breath when I saw it.. There I was..sitting on my bed..looking at my computer..which was showing my blog..this blog..With tears in my eyes ,I brought my 2 papers to the register to check out,and then ran to the truck to read it.. I type my heart onto this screen and I let anyone who types the address in their computer come and read it..and hope that when they do, they see my beautiful Rachel, and they read my stories, and they take a look at their own life...the good and the bad, and they realize how quickly they could be right here too..and I pray that in their heart they know the same God that I write about .the one that has carried me through these darkest of days and nights, and has shown me time and again that He is in control....Thank you Beth for making that first call on Sept 17,2009. Thank you for telling our story with so much compassion.

For my out of town friends,and for those here that missed it, I will be adding an online version of the article.

A Prayer For You

One of the sweetest gifts that I received after the funeral was a beautiful coffee mug with a prayer written on it. A sweet lady from my church who walks her own journey of grief from losing a child, brought it to me.On the front of it it says" I said a prayer for you today",and then on the back is a poem. For many months I would get up and drink my coffee from that cup. From only that cup... Getting up out of the bed in the morning after a very long,sad, night...that mug reminded me that I was not alone. I also have a picture of a prayer from another sweet family that stays by my bed to remind me that people are lifting me up...many people..
We are going to take a few days off for much needed time together. I wanted to leave this poem on here because I don't know if I will be able to post for several days.
Thank you all for staying here with me, and for all the prayers...

I SAID A PRAYER FOR YOU TODAY
AND KNOW GOD MUST HAVE HEARD
I FELT THE ANSWER IN MY HEART
ALTHOUGH HE SPOKE NO WORD
I DIDN'T ASK FOR WEALTH OR FAME
I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T MINd
I ASKED HIM TO SEND TREASURE'S
OF A FAR MORE LASTING KIND
I ASKED THAT HE'D BE NEAR TO YOU
AT THE START OF EACH NEW DAY
TO GRANT YOU HEALTH AND BLESSINGS
AND FRIENDS TO SHARE THE WAY
I ASKED FOR HAPPINESS FOR YOU
IN ALL THINGS GREAT AND SMALL
BUT IT WAS FOR HIS LOVING CARE
I PRAYED THE MOST OF ALL...


(frank zamboni)

My God is Real

This morning during our worship service my GA girls got to share what they did at camp.We sang a few songs and showed a slide show of the week. One of my younger girls shared that she wanted to be a missionary. I also learned that one of my 6th graders that went with us was saved at camp.She goes to a different church than ours,so she wanted to talk to her family and preacher first. How awesome is that!!!
I had wrestled all morning about whether or not I should share about MY camp experience. I was back and forth on it. I thought maybe I should wait and just let it be about the girls.The morning was so hectic.Everything I tried to do was a disaster.My video did not work.I had to go back home,get the computer,try to re-burn it.When I came home the dog had dug in the garbage, had an accident in the floor.....everything to try to get me to NOT talk.. Well it didn't work. I got the video ..my girls showed up for me... and when I went into the sanctuary one of Rachs friends was there that I was not expecting to see. I also was not expecting to see the necklace this person was wearing.It had placed it on her headstone and it had been there for several weeks.And then it just was gone.I assumed it had been stolen(like everything else). I told them how glad I was to see them ,and that they had come on a great day because I had a great story to tell. I knew this sweet friend needed to hear it.I also told them I was glad to see who the owner of the necklace was. Now I knew what to do....Once again I was able to be quiet and let God to the talking. If people were only able to know the WHOLE story,the struggle ,daily, that I have.They see me on Sundays smiling and talking to the kids. Sundays are what gets me through the week.They see those few hours ,and never realize that my feelings are still so very raw. But at the same time, talking about the amazing things that have happened fill my gaping wounds. But it is temporary.The more I talk about it, the more I want to talk about it. I pray that God will continue to put these opportunities in front of me, or that He will show me what it is I should do.I just want people to know.I want them to know what He's doing for me,in a very REAL way. When I said today "Her daughters name was Rachel"... there was a huge reaction from the congregation.. They knew...