I can't tell you how many times I've comforted Kennedy while her tears flowed ..over the months there was more time in between , but you could look at her face and tell when she was really missing Rachel. KK had more issues with worrying about dying..or needing to be reassured that I would come back from the store if she stayed home.." you'll come back???" she would ask about 15 times.The same with school. She would ask me many times " you'll be here to get me"?????? this school year she has been doing so much better. I've mentioned how she just recently started sharing her "memories" of Rach with us when we are talking. I know how hard all of this is for me to sort out, I can't imagine being about 8 years old and trying to .Tonight we went to church down the street that has a beautiful light display. You sit in your car and listen to music while the lights dance. The girls love it. We had went with Rach in 2008. It is one of those double edged things...I love to go...but it is so hard.. After we got back, Kennedy went out to the pretty room (Rachs room) to read. We walk through that room several times a day.Out of the blue KK comes running in to my bedroom crying and saying " I miss Rachel so much"... just sobbing her little heart out..She had not done that in a long time. I just sat and cried with her and told her how very much I miss her too. I tried to explaing to her that the way she was feeling was how you feel when you lose someone that you love so much.. you're sad..you're a lot of things... I just wanted her to know that whatever she felt it was ok to feel it.. I know she is so aware of my feelings..She's been keeping her eyes in the sky too..She loves to talk about the colors of the sky in the morning...or point out stars.. The other day she sat and made a book out of some of my computer paper...She gave it to me and told me it was a Sad journal..I could write it in when I was having a sad day...I told her there wasn't enough paper in it for me...and gave a little laugh... there is no telling what that little mind and heart are going through..I told her tonight about all my special things I have all through the house..what they mean to me and how it is like having a little bit of Rach with me.. I told her that sometimes my heart hurts so bad because I want to see her...and she shook her head and put her little hand on her heart...I just held her ,wanting to somehow take her pain ....just put it all on me ...please...just put it on me....I thought we were doing so good...we made it through 2 Thanksgivings...the one at my parents house was especially for the kids....weenie roast...smores... it was wonderful...I have a few weeks and then Christmas break will be here.. I hate so much to see how I feel on their little faces... you'd do anything to make them smile...even if it only last a little while...I know it all just takes time...I know we all are in different places...I know it is all gonna be ok.. this just caught me off guard.. As I sit here typing , all I can hear are the words to this song..
Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?
Are you tired of spinning round and round?
Wrap up all those shattered dreams of your life
And at the feet of Jesus, lay them down.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams, wounded hearts, and broken toys.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
And He will turn your sorrows into joy.
He never said you only see sunshine,
He never said there would be no rain.
He only promised a heart full of singing
About the very thing that once brought pain.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams, wounded hearts, and broken toys.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
And He will turn your sorrows into joy
But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall" (Malachi 4:2
praying for a better tomorrow
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