My Miss Princess

after
before

Well she didn't place in the pageant.I have a real hard time letting her do them in the first place. I don't ever want Kennedy to feel that she is not beautiful enough.Not that I want her to think she is prettier than others,I just want her to know how very special she is.She did great before,during and after the pageant.She has a great attitude.Her smile after NOT winning is as big ,if not bigger, than it was before.I think it was just harder for me this year because I have seen Kennedy have so many sad days, I just didn't want to see another one.She handled it better than I could have.I have never heard her say anything bad about any part of it.She just does them and takes what she gets..she'll get a crown ...one day.


Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Pageants and Playing

Thank you all for the words of encouragement I received from the last post.A lot of them were not written here, but were personally said to me.Sometimes I forget when I am writing this blog that OTHER people actually read it,but I am so glad that you do.
My days seem to be getting shorter and shorter.The pageant is this Saturday night.I thought we would never find a dress.Finally, I found one on the Internet, and we go to the ladies house to try it on.It is a very soft rose color.Kennedy doesn't like pink, but ,this dress looked beautiful in the photo.I told her to humor me and try it on,but not to be rude if she didn't like it. It looked so pretty on ....The lady left the room and I looked at Kennedy and she shook her head yes..I said do you like it? She said I LOVE IT!!!! I said are you sure???and then she got that look that I have seen so many times....I could barely hear her words...she said " Its so soft, and beautiful..and it reminds me of Rachel".....I just smiled and kissed her head and said " I think its perfect"...sooo now we are practicing for pageant and our praise band is playing Sunday morning, and I have in the midst of all this decided to sing for the first time in church since September...I love the song I have chosen.I was going to sing a different song ,but it just kept getting pushed back.I think this is the song I needed to sing. Another young lady at church is supposed to be singing a little harmony with me....she keeps trying to get me to do it all by myself....we'll see. The first time I heard this song I loved it...

I'd Need A Savior - Among the Thirsty

How many names
Can I use to explain
The love of my Jesus
The life that He gave
And so many times
Will I praise You today
I lift up my life
Cause You're always the same
And my offering
To you I bring

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior

How many songs
Can I sing to proclaim
Your wondrous love
Oh and beauty so great
Oh and, What would I say
If You brought down the rain
And everyday I walked through the pain
My heart would still say…

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior.

Your what I hold on too,
I know that you brought me through,
All the days of loss and to the cross You knew,
That I'd need a Savior
I'd need a Savior,
I need You Savior.

IIWWMS

This week has been so hard.I think a lot of my sorrow was actually left over from last week on spring break.I held so much in because I wanted the little girls to be able to just ,well, be little girls.They smiled and laughed the whole week. I smiled too ,and held my memories and my sorrow in.Well, it all came out this week.There were also a lot of things new to face.The headstone, the six month marker...Rachs sweet friend Brittni reminded me that from now on every 17th of March ,everyone will be wearing Rachs favorite color..I knew I had been in the "fog" of grief ,but I have realized that after I am through it I always have more clarity about something that has really been on my heart,or something really good happens. I realize it is all a slow process,and I know it WILL get better.I was feeling so low on the 17th and so many friends sent me sweet messages about how I encourage them and inspire them...which made me twinge at first because I just was feeling so low.But then this morning happened.It was so foggy this morning,so grey and just funky.As I was taking the girls to school I looked over ,as I do every morning, to look for the sun .I love seeing the sun rises and the sunsets(I hope you know why).When I looked over this morning ,I really didn't expect to see much because of the fog.Oh my gosh...the sun was so bright you could hardly look at it.It was just this huge ball of light shining, and through the trees you could see the rays cutting through the fog.It was breath taking.So much so that I had to pull my car over.And thats when I realized what a I was seeing was a great reflection of my life.The fog of grief in my heart,in my head, in my whole being .And then there is the SON...shining so bright and cutting through all my grief and pain.But ...here's the thing.How many people drove passed it or through this morning and never saw it.They never even turned their heads to see the sun.Its the same way with The SON. He's there...always,just like the sun , but can you see Him or feel Him in YOUR darkness.And then there are those that even though I wasn't seeing Him, they could see Him working through me.So for today,the fog has not lifted, I can just see "the light" shining through it.My goal is to be able to use I I W W M S as my mantra..It Is Well With My Soul..read the words slowly....

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul

Finding the right words

Today I went to the monument place to tell them what to engrave on the headstone.After everything else I have already had to deal with,I don't understand why this was so hard.I was a mess before I ever even got to the place.Its just words....written in stone.The ladies there are so understanding.It took a while ,but I think I got it like I wanted it. It will be another 3 to 4 weeks before it will be in place.That will be another hurdle,but it too will be ok.It will be hard, but I know it will be ok.I wanted to share this song that I wrote a while back.It was all I could think about today when I was trying to figure it all out.
keep in mind,its a rough draft....



When your lowest isn't kneeling
when your dreams are in the ground.
when you feel your heart is breaking
but you cannot make a sound
look up and see me shining.
look up and see me fall.
I'm in every sun thats rising
I hear your whispers call

I'm here
always
I'm here.
always.

I know your days are lonely
and sleep is sweet relief.
that phony smile you're wearing
just doesn't hide your grief.
so dry your eyes my darling
and open up your heart.
and let my love come in and know
we'll never be apart.

I'm here
always
I'm here
always

One day the dark will shatter
and you will find your peace.
the joy will be endless
and no more will you grieve.
the loneliness wont matter
because you ll finally see
the love that you have carried,
has carried you to me.

Spring Break

This past week was our spring break.I knew this was going to be a long hard week.I spent every spring break with Rach up and until last year.Her job keep her from going with us,BUT as usual, we were on the phone together constantly.Usually on our spring breaks we would go to my sisters house in Houston and hang out,and shop,and go to the zoo etc.A couple of years ago we got to go to Sea World with my sister and her family. It was very hard this year to go to Houston,but that is what the girls wanted to do. It was a really good trip.This year my husband was with us. We spent a full day in Houston and then spent a day at Moody Gardens in Galveston.We came home regrouped and headed to the lake.Thats when it got hard for me.We are fortunate to have a very generous sister-n-law who ,without hesitation, gives us the keys to her lake house.We have spent many days there. I drove many times to the lake with Rachel right there with me.She wasn't able to go this past summer because of her job,again, but we spoke and texted nonstop.We have so many memories at the lake, with ALL of the kids.I am so thankful that we were given the opportunity to go as often as we did.I know Kennedy especially remembers it all. She said she needed to go to the lake to find her memories..They had a good time. I found myself thinking nonstop about Rachel just like I always do, but it was different kinds of memories.The girls wanted to talk a lot about Rach. They weren't sad,they just wanted to hear stories.I was more than glad to share with them.Kenny is always good at telling stories too. Rach was his biggest fan.She would sit with him and say " tell me about ..." she loved to hear him talk about the good ol days.I will be posting more about the trip.I just wanted to update so you wouldn't think I gave up.Some very interesting things happened this week.Right now, I need sleep.

Joy in the morning

Yesterday after having a wonderful Saturday with the little girls,I went to Rachels garden .Thats the way it is for me.It just hits me and I need to go. I go just to be sure its all ok.I go to pray.For whatever reason ,I go.Yesterday when we got there, my mom and dad were there.My mom makes sure that there are always beautiful flowers there. When I walked up I noticed she had put the new ones out,and I noticed my angel was not there.I asked them about it, and they had not moved it.It was gone.I honestly don't think it was just a random angel stealing.I think someone took Rachels angel.There are much prettier angels ,and other decorations in that cemetery.I thought I was going to throw up.It just really made me sick that someone would just take something like that. Today well ,I'm over it,. I refuse to let that take me further down into a place that I don't want to be in. I struggle daily to walk in the light.Maybe whoever took that angel just misses Rachel so much that they needed it...had to have it. Maybe they took it to put on their loved ones grave, I don't know.What I do know is they can take my stuff ,but I refuse to let them rob me of one more day , or one more minute of joy.

"But to give the things you can not keep
For what you cannot lose
Is the way to find the joy
God has for you....
Hold on my child,Joy comes in the morning,"

More than words

I got word today that the headstone that I ordered is finally in.It took longer because I had some modifications made to it.This picture is it while they were working on it.I haven't seen it ,but the lady says it is just beautiful.Now comes the hard part. I have to try to decide what to have engraved on it.How can I possibly put in that small of a space the words to let people know how very special Rachel was. I want every person whoever stands by that grave to know ..Rachel was beautiful..Rachel was beautiful enough to be Miss America,and smart enough to be president.Rachel was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.She was loving,compassionate,and giving.If Rachel had 10 cents to her name ,she would give it to someone else if they needed it because she knew, somehow, she would be okay.Rachel hated to see people hurt.She always found time to listen to others and to let them know she cared and never missed an opportunity to tell them about her Jesus.Rachel was my best friend.Rachel was a best friend to many. Rachel was a loving sister.There aren't words to describe how much we miss her..Somehow just putting her name and "dates" on there just doesn't seem like enough. I've had all these months to think about this and now that it's here, I can't even sort it out.I need it to be perfect,I'll have to see it and read it every time I'm there. Everything else has been so much easier to do.The words for the eulogy just poured out of me.I can talk for hours about her,but I just cant put in a 2 foot space how very much I love her ...Our beautiful Rachel...







s

Skidmarks

Its amazing to me how my GriefShare messages are sometimes just right on what I have been dealing with====My extreme feelings of course from day to day .I have been having more days lately where I am not quite so crippled by my sadness.I think having Kennedy home all week has helped. Todays verse was another one of those that I want to share with you. We all have thoughts in our head about the future.We all take one little thing and stretch it into a HUGE thing.Then we add on to that, and twist it ,and "what if"it until we've spent countless hours making it into something horrific because WE kept answering the "what if".We create a fear of the future out of what goes on in our mind.The Bible says that God is love. It also says that love CANNOT coexist with fear. So if Jesus lives in you, you do not need to fear.That is worth repeating...IF JESUS LIVES IN YOU,YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEAR..
"There is NO fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18).
This is one of those little messages that everyone can use,not just those dealing with grief.Why do we say our God is so powerful ,and then put limits on Him with our fear??I know first hand what a loving , mighty God we have.John 16:33 was shared with me this week.......
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

"Be of good cheer".We have to do our part too.It is so much easier for me to say that ,than it is to do that.I can talk all day about all the things God has done for me and all His promises ,and then turn around and stop living it myself.I am really trying to live the "be of good cheer" part.People always want to share that "Footprints in the sand" poem with me.I always tell them that with me its one set of footprints and some skid marks where God is dragging me saying"come one Suzette,you can do this"...one set of skid marks in the sand....maybe that will be my next song.

Did she find Him?

These past 5 months have been so full of emotions and memories. I can think back to the day the wreck happened and remember so clearly almost every minute of that day.Then I'll open a cabinet and ask myself"when did I buy this"?????I guess its just a protective mode we go in out of fear of forgetting.I remember so much about the funeral too.Even as exhausted mentally and physically as I was, I remember even the smallest detail. One thing these past couple of days has really been on my mind, and I keep obsessing over it.After I took the podium and asked the kids not leave the church unless they were sure that if the same thing happened to them ,their mother would know where they were(in Heaven), there was an altar call.After that it was time for everyone to walk up and have their last goodbye. I remember feeling the need to hug every person,or at least just look them in the eyes and let them know how much it meant to me for them to be there.I realize some of those people weren't there because of me or my side of the family,but I still wanted them to know how moved I was that they were there.As people were coming down the aisle, I noticed this young lady coming towards me that looked familiar.She and Rachel had went to school together since elementary.They weren't really close friends , but I have known who this girl is for a long time. She hugged me and could barely talk, but she looked very pleadingly in my eyes and said" I just want you to know, that I've thought about what you said ,and I don't think my momma would know where I am if something happened to me and I think its about time I do something about that." Here's the part that bothers me....I should have grabbed her right then and brought her to my preacher, or anyone ,but instead I just hugged her very tight and told her I was so glad ,and I told her to tell her mother that she loved her .Then she said" I'm gonna do things different"...I'm going to pray that God will put me or someone I know in this young ladys path. I just have really been burdened for this girl.I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I realize I get a "pass" on this one considering how hard the day was.I just want to know that THAT DAY did make a difference in her life.

Do you see what I see?

Well since Sunday my life has been a blur.Kennedy came down with a high fever ,which turned out to be the start of the flu.She is such a trooper.She does not like to be "down". She is not a complainer either.She is also one of the few who want to eat when they are sick.She reminds me so much of Rachel.Rachel would be so sick ,even with a very upset stomach, and want to eat "food",not crackers or soup, she would want a hamburger or pizza...I was in a way glad to have a distraction.My birthday was yesterday.I had spent the morning cleaning the house just in case I got sick too. The whole day I thought about Rach. Big Red,our favorite Cardinal,showed up bright and early and was singing louder than ever. It reminded me of how a few Christmas's ago our cat took it upon himself to kill a "Big Red", and leave his mangled body at the door for us to find.My husband was not at the home at the time and I was just useless.I couldn't go and clean it up,and I did not want my little girls to see it.Well guess who went and took care of it...Rach...She saved me some of the feathers.When she came back in the house I was washing the dishes ,staring out my kitchen window crying my eyes out.She stood by me and I turned to her and said"can you believe I'm crying over a stupid bird"? Her eyes were watering too,I think for me and not the bird.She said"mom its not stupid, it was Big Red"...she gave me the biggest hug.Then she placed the feathers on the counter.Which prompted me to say " I used to have a little bird ,now all I have is feathers."..(When Rach was little I had gotten her a parakeet, which our yorkie killed the first time we took it out of the cage.Rachel walked in the room and said "I used to have a little bird, now all I have is some feathers.)...Everything I did yesterday made me think about her, how she looked at people ,how she hated to see people hurting. Even last night watching American Idol, I was thinking about how she could not stand to watch the audition part of the show.It literally would break her heart to watch .She sometimes would have tears in her eyes.She said it was so sad to hear the ones singing that were really sooo bad, but they thought they were good.She would have to change the channel some time, because it would just be too much for her.She hated for them to be ridiculed.She just saw things so different.Now,obviously there are people on the show purely for entertainment, and she knew that,but in the first seasons there were many that were used for entertainment that were not funny...just sad.Watching it last night,there were some girls who were just having a bad night, and it made me want to change the channel because it made me so uncomfortable for them.All day there were things that reminded me of her.I was not sad all day though.I was able to see her and remember her in all these things, and just enjoy being in those moments .That does not mean it will be that way today.I think yesterday was a gift to me....and I glady accepted it.

Mine Ebeneezer

Our praise band was requested to play more traditional hymns during our worship service.Come Thou Fount was our first choice.Most people sing that song and never really know,or think about,what the words are.The second verse=Here I raise mine Ebeneezer= any idea what that's about? Isn't is odd how we can just sing songs and not know what we are singing? I found the story about this verse so amazing ,I wanted to share it with you...
Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12..When Israel,under Samuels leadership, finally turned their hearts and minds back to God and He restored them,Samuel put this huge stone right in the middle of town basically,so that the people could see and be reminded of what God had brought them through,and what He promised He would do for them.They could look at that stone for years to come and be reminded of Gods judgement and repentance;His mercy and restoration. I don't have a huge stone,but I consider the bracelet that I have from Rachels car= mine Ebeneezer.It reminds me of what God has brought me through,EVERY STEP OF,and also of what I am walking towards.Remember the verse that is on it? Revelations 21:4, its at the top right of this page.I put the bracelet on the drums when I play.I have it in the car when I drive,and its in the house with me. "Up to this point the Lord has helped us" I am US, too.Surely you can think of a time when God was there for you too.You probably don't have a huge stone either. Some people use a prayer journal.I use the bracelet as a reminder of Gods faithfulness,of His mercies,and of His promises. He is the author and the finisher.



Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

2. Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Don't go there

My sweet friend Theresa who is walking her own path of grief,told me about GriefShare.They send me a daily message, with a scripture.Today's was so good.I wanted to share it with ya'll because it applies not only to grief,but to any situation that causes you worry ,panic or anxiety.If you are dwelling in the uncertainties of the future or clinging to mistakes of the past....
There are days when I constantly see images that I really don't want to see.Images from the wreck site, from the funeral. Some days it is non stop,just like a slideshow..I am able to do all my daily duties, but it is always running. Some days I can remember only the beauty of it all, but on the "dark" days when I am walking in my mind through places where I shouldn't be walking,I'm going to remember what God tells us in Matthew 6:34 to live one day at a time: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." God is walking with me NOW ,Right NOW.When we go to the other places we go alone.God tell us not to worry about the future.He tells us to stay in today..God is with me today.Today I will work on stopping the bitter, sadness one thought at a time..Don't go there (God's not there). I hate to quote a cartoon but...
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery , today is a Gift,thats why it is called the present...
Each day we have is truly a gift.

My Valentine

I can't remember exactly when it started, but for as long as I can remember my husband has been the Valentine fairy. He always sets out Valentine baskets for me and for the girls.Rachel and I used to laugh at him because he always bought us things from the people that set up on the side of the road with those overpriced baskets. One year we actually drove by and saw him shopping!I can still see Rach laughing about that. She told me to call him and see what he says he's doing.That girl..Today was very sad for me.Such a huge gaping hole on my table where her basket would be.I am so thankful for a husband who loved my daughter so much. He was so very protective of her.If we went out to eat she would avoid talking to boys she knew because she knew Kenny was going to go talk to them too. He was amazed at how smart she was. He always told her how beautiful she was. He would tell her that she didn't need some punk boy telling her how beautiful she was to believe it.But she never saw it.I think thats what made her even more beautiful.

If you ever leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you'll get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Hallmark moments-NOT

I went to my local drug store this afternoon with the intention of getting my "Valentine" a card. Every card that I picked up was wrong. They all talked about "everything we've been through, or the good and the bad, or the sorrow" ...I really hadn't thought about not being able to get a card. I could have gotten a funny one ,but they really weren't that funny.I just stood there looking and the rows of cards in disbelief..really..someone needs to address this at Hallmark. I just wanted to share this in case someone else was feeling the same thing.Once again, when it hits =it hits,there is no stopping it.Of course there were 2 girls I went to school with in the store.I tried to do the avoid-dance,but 1 found me at the register with my "punchy,teary eyes". I decided to take a pass on the card and hopefully I can convince my hubby that one is not needed for me.Its gonna be a long weekend.

Walmart Bargains and Blessings

I went to Walmart this morning to get some things for our Valentine party at church tonight.Just like everyone else in this town, I am at walmart at least once a week.The lady who checked me out has done so many times...many times.I've heard her sing hymns,watched her laugh with the customers.Today was different. The man in line in front of me was from my church.He told me the lady who was my cashier,had lost her daughter too. He then looked at the lady and told her I had lost my daughter.I've wrote before about paradigm shifts-Seeing the world through a different lens.Today was one of those lens changing days. When our eyes met I could see so far down into this womans heart.Deep into the places where we carry our pain, our broken dreams, and the love for our daughters.The love that is held by chains so strong that nothing on this earth could ever take it. To look in her eyes and see that one tear, slowly begin to fall,and to know how hot that one drop of saline can feel.My heart felt like it was in my shoes. She lost her daughter 13 years ago.It was a motorcycle accident.Her daughter and my niece were in the same class, same age.I wanted so badly to just go sit somewhere and talk to her.To hear about her daughter. To tell her all the things God has done for me.I wanted,I needed to touch her. I know you don't understand that sentence.Some people get uncomfortable when you talk about "laying hands" on people. If you think about it, its what moms do instinctively when their kids get hurt.The very first thing we do is grab our kids and hug them.We touch what is hurt, as if to take the pain on ourselves.I wanted to put my hand on this woman. I wanted her to feel what I feel. I wanted her to know, "I feel it too. I know your pain." I know how very alone it can feel. Then she said my favorite words,"I'm OK".I told her it was my answer for everything too.Then we talked about how that was the only answer for when people ask "how are you"?I told her my other favorite thing to say" Jesus wept,I get to be sad too".She loved it. She asked for my number, I also gave her this blog site. The point of this very long post is that just yesterday I shared with someone that I wasn't ready to hear about other people grief. I was wrong ...again. I wasn't ready, but God was ready for me too. I don't know why I can't get that through my head. I guess I need to keep my big mouth shut , and keep my heart and my ears open. God's timing....
The party with my GA girls was great. I found these huge lollipops that said LOVE IS.I read from 1 Corinthians 13 what love is.It was very hard because its Rachels favorite verses.I made it through to the verse where it says Love never fails. For some reason that part always gets me.The girls clung to my every word...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Beautiful Green dresses

I have said many times how much it seems like EVERYTHING reminds me of Rachel.Some days it is non-stop.Its not always in a sad way ,sometimes it is in a funny way.She had the best sense of humor.She loved to laugh. She loved to make me laugh.I see KK trying to do that more and more everyday too.KK is pretty funny (for a 7 year old).Saturday I took Kennedy to go try on pageant dresses.She loves doing the B-B-Q Festival here in our town. She has placed in it several times.I thought this year she might not want to do it, but she is counting down the days.I found this gorgeous white strapless gown for her to try on.It was so pretty on her.It took up almost the whole dressing room, it was so big.Kennedy was looking at herself in the mirror and said"This is a beautiful dress, it reminds me of Rachel." I just smiled and told her how beautiful she looked in it.Later when we got in the car Kennedy said she loved the dress but it was not as pretty as Rachels green dress(the dress in the first video.It was also her burial gown ).I did the best I could to hide my tears.I want her to always talk to me about her feelings and not hold them in because she thinks it makes me sad.I also have this other light green dress that Rach wore in the homecoming parade and to the Jingle Bell Ball.Kennedy asked if when she got older she could wear Rachels light green dress in the pageant.I told her I thought that would be perfect,then she tried to pin me down on how old she had to be to wear it.I am not ready to for that at all, but I know just like everything else worrying about doing it is harder than actually doing it. This month will be 5 months. So much has happened in that short time.Sometimes it seems like so long ago and other times it seems like just days ago it all happened. KK said I needed to get some new eye cream "cuz your eyes look a little punchy"ouch..please leave me some suggestions cuz what I'm using ain't workin!

Pieces of me

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, most of it online.I have a hard time with holding an actual book in my hand and reading it. I think it is because it reminds me so much of Rachel. She read constantly.She was what I would call a speed reader.It amazed my husband how fast she could read and be able to fully comprehend and retain what she had read.When I sit with a book, I see her.Its really doesn't surprise me,everything I do or see reminds me of her.The point is, its easier for me to read online. I have thoughts that stay in my head about the wreck,about Heaven, about Rachel,about death, and its like having a 1000 piece puzzle that you are trying to do without being able to look at a picture of the puzzle. How does it all fit together????? Will I ever be able to piece it together? Does God even want me to?
As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:12: "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know full, even as I am fully known." I'm going to keep reading, and I going to keep hoping,and I going to keep remembering. Thanks for stopping by.

Drumming

Our praise band played during the worship service last month.I really enjoy playing at the drums for them.I have very limited skills ,believe me I know.My brother n law PLAYS the drums.I know the difference.I put Rachels bracelet that was found in her car,that I read at the graveside,on the cymbal stand.It has the verse from Revelation 21:4 engraved on it. She would have loved to see me play.Even when I am playing I am thinking about her,but the sadness is not always there.I think that is why I like to play.Music was always so much apart of us,and it still is.This is just a part of one of the songs we played.My 11 yr old videoed it with my camera so the sound is not that great.I love the chorus" Break my heart for what breaks yours"..... I see a generation Rising up to take their place With selfless faith With selfless faith I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek We're on our knees We're on our knees [Chorus] Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart for what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from nothing to Eternity [Chorus x2] Hosanna in the highest

Save a place for me

On my way to Rachels garden this beautiful song came on.It was timed perfectly.As soon as I got to the end of my road ,I turned up the radio and it started.I want you to listen to the song with no distracting video.I've learned since losing Rach that almost everyone has a story of their own grief.Close your eyes and listen to this song.It is for me and for every person who has ever had someone so very precious torn from their life.This was shared with me from the guy who makes the shields of strength===the bible tells us that a day in heaven is one thousand years on earth. A day is twenty four hours. If you divide both one thousand years and 24 hours by ten you find that 100 years on earth is two point four hours in heaven or a little less than two hours and thirty minutes. Since most of us won’t be here for another 100 years you can divide one hundred years and two and one half hours by two and find that 50 years on earth is one hour and fifteen minutes in heaven. With more division you can find that one year on earth is about one and one half minutes in heaven or ninety seconds. We will be there soon. click on the video ,close your eyes ......


(its only the one song ...it loaded on here wrong.)

KK Bday

On January 23 my baby, KK, turns 7.Rachel came in the room when I was in labor for just a few minutes.Her eyes so wide,trying to have a smile for me.She loved Kaitlin as soon as she saw her.She loved both the little girls.She loved them and worried about them just like a mom would.She couldn't even take a vacation without calling CONSTANTLY to check on them.We took them to the State Fair when KK was about 4 and she was a nervous wreck watching her ride the rides."Mom what if she stands up" "oh my gosh I can't watch" "MOM !"MOM!.That is just the way Rachel was. She "mothered" her brother who is almost 2 years older than she is.I found on Rachels camera a lot of pictures of KK.The 2 of them together,and a lot of just KK.She would always go in Rachs room to see what she was doing, or go aggravate her.In so many pictures Rachel is looking over Kaitlins shoulder. I hope she still is.