9 Months In His Hands

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
psalm73:26
Today is June 17th, and it's Thursday.9 months of grief. Back in October , I posted about the day of the wreck.I wrote that after Rachel left for work, a few minutes later I got up to go to a garage sale that was just down the road. There was such an urgency in my mind to go. Here's the rest of that story. The house that was having the garage sale was right off of Hwy 105. I had been to the house before ,several months earlier, for a garage sale on a Wednesday. Everyone knows that garage sale day is Wednesday, it always has been. This sale on September 17..was on a Thursday. My Mom is the queen of garage sales.She can spot one 2 miles away ,( even if she
has the seat reclined so she can take a nap on the way back from Canton).....she had to drive passed the sale to get to my house that day....she didn't see it. Mrs. Rachel and her daughter Melissa were at my house as soon as they heard about what happened.They too are frequent garage "sale-rs"....they also had to pass it to get to my house....they didn't see it.Sure they were distracted and not looking for one, but ...I will always wonder ..was there a garage sale???I thought about stopping and asking the people if they had a sale that day...then I decided it just didn't matter... Even so ,it is very hard for me to go to garage sales now. I loved going to them. I've tried to go 2 times since September...it's just too hard.. The feelings I had when I was rushing out to go to that sale..I could hear so loud the words " just go".."get up"..." go " .."go"....Was it the Holy Spirit? Was it an Angel? I grabbed my purse and I left... I don't think I had more than 3 dollars in my purse..GO...GET UP ... GO.. Some days when I get to the end of the road, I just sit there and look at the marks that are STILL in the road.Sometimes I think ...I not going to be able to keep living here......but in my heart I know that moving will not make my pain go away... this pain that has taught me so many things..things about myself, and others. I do look at things different now. I have a lot less
tolerance for people whining about their "bad day"....really???? let me tell you what a bad day is..I know that's wrong.. I know that life is hard for a lot of people for a lot of reasons... I try to look at a lot of things differently now...I look at people different.. In some areas of my life I do still have a fog, but in other areas I know I see things more clearly than others do.I'm still the same sinner saved by grace.. I just have the knowledge of knowing how quickly we can go from standing...to kneeling ....on the side of the road...
This is one of my favorite songs.When I feel myself falling, I sing this song..If you would rather listen to it than read it, you can click on the title of this blog and it will pull up the video
Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Letting Go

Well guess who is not as weak as they thought????????? Not only did I do ALL of the water slides at Schlitterbahn, I rode some very scary rides at Kemah on the boardwalk. I have to say our trip to Galveston was exactly what I needed. I have Kennedy to thank for a lot of it. When she grabbed my hand and said "cmon Mom lets go do that big one".... it just felt right. Looking down that huge slide and seeing straight down to the ground, I realized how much trust I had to put in the people that built this slide.People I don't even know.I had to trust that it was going to be ok...(fav word)...I had to let go of my grip, and start the journey down...it was fast, it was bumpy....it was scary .... but I did it... That sounds like a metaphor for something doesn't it?? It was physically the strongest I have felt in a long time. I walked tons of stairs. Walked all over Moody Gardens.Did lots of swimming..came home very tired , but in a good way.I also noticed that some awful weather was in the Dallas area right when we would have been there, had we went to Colorado...God's timing.....always perfect..."He hath made every thing beautiful in his time."..Of course I thought about Rachel nonstop,the little girls always have questions about her. I still related everything I did to her..I just feel like I made it over a huge hump. I know there will be others to come.....As I sit here and type my mind is on what the date is..
The photos are just a sample of what Kennedy made me do.

Rocky Mountain Low

Well, as if last week wasn't hard enough...I got punched in the gut even harder this week.Since September, Kenny and I have been wanting to take the kids to Colorado.The little girls talk about it all the time.The little bit of snow we got here made them want to see REAL snow. Dakota has been snowboarding several times,but we ,as a family, have not been.Rachel went with my mom and dad to New Mexico and had a blast.So we thought at Christmas it would happen....no go...so then we decided to go at the first part of summer.I found out there was snowtubing still going on on the weekends..I spent many hours online looking for a condo to rent..I wasted a lot of time. I knew in my heart , I didn't think I could go, but I was going to try it anyway.There are times when I am just going to Beaumont , and an 18wheeler comes too close that it really bothers me.If I come upon a wreck ,same thing..My sister and her family went to the very place we were supposed to go to a couple of years ago.She was showing me her videos and I realized.....I can't do it..I didn't say it out loud until Saturday morning.We were supposed to leave on Tuesday...Kenny mentioned that I sure was putting off doing a lot of things..I told him that it all felt too hard.. I told him I didn't think I could do it.Just to say it outloud was so hard ,and yet at the same time such a relief.He never tried to talk me into going.Never said I can't believe your doing this.....He just said "I know what you mean. Just tell me what you want to do, and I'll do it." I planned a great trip to Galveston in a matter of 15 minutes.The girls are thrilled. Its gonna be hot, but thats ok...I can be home real quick! Its hard to explain why exactly I couldn't go. I feel a different kind of panic inside. Its not an extreme panic attack type feeling. I am stuck in a place where some things are hard for me to remember , and some things are hard to forget. I was telling my sister how I felt. We talked about how much we think about Rach. For me its not so much images , or events.Its so hard for me to put it into words.. It's like my feelings for her are always there...almost like a vapor just hovering over me...Its not a burden ,or a heaviness...it is just how my life is now. If I were to draw a picture of myself , I would put butterflies and hearts dancing around my head.Its that kind of feeling. Always....it is always there. There have been days lately where I feel like she has been forgotten..I know that is not true. It is just where I am right now. I know this is another dark road that I must go down to get to where I need to be. After I spilled my guts to my sister, I told her that somewhere in there was another song.I wrote it later on that afternoon...The last verse I have to give credit to my niece Amber.I sent it to her and told her to feel free to add to it....boy did she..

Feels Like September

This place I'm in feels like September.
I'm struggling just to remember.
This darkness only clouds my mind.
And makes my memories hard to find.

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

I promise I will hold on to.
Every word of I love you.
My broken heart will surely mend.
When we are face to face again

I'm in a place I've never been.
Where I can't find the truth again.
I can't forget and I can't remember.
This place I'm in feels like September.

One day I'll be where I've never been.
I won't have to look for truth again.
No fear or tears come when I see her.
Cause where she is theres no September.

Summers Here

School is officially over. All I could think about this whole year is summer.I don't know what I think will happen, I just know that in my mind my life seemed easier without having to do school. What I didn't think about was how graduation would affect me.It really all started on Friday night.We had a niece graduate Friday night,and then there was the big crawfish boil for her at my brother-n-laws house Saturday. Friday night I went to drop Kennedy off at a slumber party.Kenny had to work late so we missed the graduation ceremony,so I let Kennedy go to a sleep over.On the way home ,the sunset was breath taking. It was almost a perfect as the one the night of the funeral.I will never forget that sunset.This one was close. I headed to cemetery.One of Rachs school mates that graduated last year was tragically killed in a car wreck just a couple of weeks ago.He was buried in the same cemetery. I went to school with his beautiful mother.It was so overwhelming seeing his grave with all his flowers.Just remebering the start of this journey,I wept that night like I have not wept in a long time. I miss her so much. I stayed until the sky was no longer for me.The next day was the party.Just picking out a graduation card was a chore.I found the perfect one. I came home to get ready.Kenny went ahead to the party with the little girls and Dakota.I went to sign the card ,and reread it. Mistake.....I signed our names and realized , I wasn't going to make it. I found some really ugly sunglasses to wear..not that they would fool anyone. I headed out for the party..Every song on the radio made it worse..I didn't want people to look at me with that sad face...Its so hard to explain.I want to be there, I want to be a part of it..I just don't want to talk about it. People have no idea of the pain.I don't expect them to understand,and at the same time I don't want to explain it to them. I tried to call Kenny to tell him that I was struggling, and mainly to not make fun of me in my sunglasses..no answer.I turned down the street and saw my oldest son headed toward me in his truck.I rolled down the window and saw his face when he saw MY face...."what's wrong"?????? I told him it was just one of those days...he knew what I meant..He just put his head down...I tried to make conversation to not bring him down to where I was.He was going to the store and would be right back..I took a breath and went on...When I got out of my car , the walk down the driveway back to their patio was soooooo long.I finally saw Kenny..All I could do was shake my head. At this point , he knows. He always knows.I walked over to put the card on her table.All her pictures were out.....it was just flooding my mind and breaking my heart...I could see Rachels graduation...I remember all the excitement for her..all the hope.Rachel was so smart, and so beautiful.....I just wanted to go back..I told Kenny I couldn't stay....we went and walked up to the front and sat on the back of truck. I'm so thankful for such a compassionate husband, who will just sit and be with me in that moment.My son came back from the store and walked to me as fast as he could and just grabbed me.He said "its gonna be ok mom, its gonna be ok"..my favorite word....It did get ok...I just had to walk through that part of the journey. Those that knew me ,knew why I was sad.No words needed.Just lots of hugs.I made it through the day. When we got home that night about 9:30, I got online to post a photo of me on my facebook.I had a message from a friend I made through this blog.It said" Thinking of you today and praying for some kind of extra special blessing :)"..the time that is was posted in my messages,was the time I was really struggling at the party!!!! It was one of those moments that you just want to breathe in every second of.. I am so thankful for all of you that read this.I'm so thankful too for all your prayers. I know that losing Rachel is something I will never get over.But I know that with Gods help,I will get through it.I hope this summer to be able to do more post on this blog.It has just seemed hard to sit and type. The same with my guitar..The two things that were healing me have become cumbersome. I know it is temporary. I look forward to seeing how God will use them both. Be safe this summer, and check back often.
"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."(eph 1 16-19)

Otitis

One of Rachels friends had to have her appendix taken out this past week. It made me think about last year with Rachel.Towards the end of April, she had to have her tonsils removed.That meant having to go to the Dr.,who sent us to the ENT(ear nose throat),then to the cardiologist to get clearance for the anesthesia,then back to the ENT, and then the procedure. I said "us" because I went with her,even tho she was considered an adult. I knew she was very nervous about being put to sleep. She got clearance for the surgery, and had it done.She did so good. She only took the really strong pain medicine 2 times,and after that she would only take regular Tylenol. She had a lot of issues with taking medicine. It was nice tho, to have her home for a few days and to be able to really "mother" her.I bought her favorite easy to eat snacks, and fixed her whatever she wanted. Once she felt better,I even took her to Target and pushed her around in a wheel chair just to have an outing.We watched our usual favorite shows, and made our usual jokes. While we were making all the rounds at the different doctors, I noticed the same poster was in every room, the one of the ear and the inner ear.I'm sure you've all seen it. I noticed on the poster it said Otitis Media(its a middle ear infection), I kept saying it...Otitis ...I told her after all this,she should name her kid that ..Otitis...it was our favorite thing to say for a looong time.She would tell me "I'm not having kids". She never said she didn't want them,she just said she wasn't having them.Sometimes when I think back on conversations,when I remember her saying things like that, it always makes me wonder...I know my post have been fewer.My thoughts about Rach have not been ,tho. Sometimes I sit to write,and I just don't know how to put it into words. So many other things have happened in the past weeks that make my grief wounds feel so raw again. There just seems to be so much tragedy. I can hardly watch the news anymore.Sometimes it just seems like too much. School will be out soon, and I am hoping to find some time to just "be still". I want time to slow down.I find myself worrying about summer going by too fast,and September being here too soon.

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends.

I heard this song on the radio.I hadn't heard it in ..well in over 8 months......now I hear these words in my mind..

The Eighth Month

Back in October in one of my post,I asked the question"how long will I count the weeks, when will it turn into months"? I don't remember exactly when it happened, just one day I realized I didn't know how many weeks..8 months today..Imagine going 8 days without speaking to your child, or seeing your child.Then try to imagine 8 weeks.Unless you've had too, you can't.You can't imagine 8 months, or the rest of your life. You have no idea how it feels .There are no words for me to use to get you to understand the feeling that I have when I look at her picture, when I hear a song, or when I see a young girl about her age with her mom in town...or when I am standing at her grave ...in silence..staring at her name.... When I go to visit I always squat down instead of just standing the whole time.For some reason it feels better to be closer to ground. I waited for the rain to stop this evening so I could go. I was staring at the new headstone. It is so beautiful to look at. It was very cloudy and overcast when I got there. As I was crouched down,I noticed how the trees made such a beautiful canopy with their branches. There was a small v shaped cut-out in the middle of it. As I stared at the angel and talked to God,I became aware of how the sun was now shining through the V.It was beaming down through the canopy, to me. It was just like out of a movie, or a painting. I looked over to the other side of the cemetery and there was no sun. It was like it was only there for me. It stayed as long as I was down, and then it just drifted away. I love those moments that I have with God, feeling his all encompassing love.It is in these quiet moments known only to me ,that I find my peace. I know some of you have doubts when you read my post.I pray that my words encourage you to search deeper into your own relationship with God to see how He reveals Himself to you. "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you"James 4:8 The words to this song that we (the praise band) played,are perfect for today:

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Mothers Day everyday

Well last Sunday was Mothers Day.I had been dreading that day since January. For the past several years I have given a Mothers Day breakfast at our church in honor of ALL the ladies in our church.The kids sing and say whats so special about their moms and I give a short devotion. Rachel was always right there with me ,helping me decorate , and even singing a song for the moms 2 years ago..She sang "I'll Stand By You.".It was one of our favorite songs. Last year she made the beautiful pom poms in the pictures for me to use as part of the decorations. After the banquet, I hung them in the nursery for Ms.Rachel and the babies to enjoy. A couple of months ago I had a dream about those pom poms. I could see Rach's hand holding one of them, and I could hear her say,"Mom, I'm right here ,Mom,....I'm right here..." Needless to say, those pom poms are now hanging in my room over my bed. I had my Mothers Day gift..I spent the week before Mothers day getting everything ready.The devotion,the food,the table covers...it was a good to have something to focus on. I found a lighthearted devotion ..A mothers day survival kit... Everything seemed to be so much easier this year..It was the least nervous I had ever been speaking in front of the ladies.I prayed and asked God to let them see HIM in what I was doing.I knew that my being able to speak to them about Mothers day would in itself be such a testimony .At first I felt like they were all just watching and waiting for the flood of emotions to come flowing out of me. It didn't happen.I managed to even work into the devotion how we can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth us.I told them the fact that I was standing there doing what I was doing was proof.There were some very moving moments. Some kids had written lovely things about their Moms.Kennedy had wrote on her paper that she loved me because I gave her siblings.. totally caught me off guard, but it was OK.. We had lunch with my parents at The Olive Garden, and then that afternoon and I went to Rachels garden and put some flowers in her vase and just spent a little time just..... being still.. and remembering how proud I am to be Rachels mom.

You Led Me

Sorry it took so long to get the video together.I have a cassette recording of the song in the video its called You Led ME.Rachel and her sweet friend Sonja sang it in March of 08, right before graduation.I wanted to use it, but I could not get it to work on my computer,so I used the original.I remember the day they sang it,tho.Rachel blew everyone away.She had sang before,in groups, or with me, but this time was different.This was her song.I listen to her sing it a lot. The quality of the tape is poor.I can hear her trying to catch her breath, her asthma was bad that day,but I think it is beautiful.Maybe one day I will figure it out and be able to share it with you.Oh and its NOT 6 minutes long.After it fades to black...its over.(I had some issues with my computer.)

It finally came

I've spent the last couple of days battling with the monument company.The headstone was ready for delivery this week.Without my permission they went and laid the foundation.They tried to set it up but the lady I ordered it from stopped them. I had requested to be there for any part of it.I wanted to say where it went.Rachel is very close to a tree, and then there are other graves to consider.Needless to say ,I was not very happy.There were also problems with the headstone.I was so disappointed.Until this point everything had been so great,so easy. I explained to them how patient I had been, and how very few request I had made.That foundation was mine.The headstone is mine.The place where is was put is MINE. That is all I have left.I wanted them to understand WHO this is for!!!! They got the message....Friday morning at about 10:20 it was delivered. It was misting rain on and off.My brother was there which meant I didn't have to worry about straightening anybody out. The lady I ordered it from came out with them too. Mr.John and Pancho brought me my angel. Mr.John reminded me of Morgan Freeman in Driving Mrs.Daisy.He moved very slow , but with a purpose. He's been doing this for 24 years. Pancho has only been helping a little while.They were both so accommodating.They were ready to make it right.Whatever I needed. The first thing I noticed was how sweet the air smelled. There was a huge ligustrum right by us in full bloom. The rain disappeared. It took awhile for them to set the base, and right away I noticed 2 black marks on it.The lady said it was marks for them to know where to set the angel and that they would wipe off .Then they set the angel.It is so beautiful.Every step they stopped and made sure it was ok. They checked and rechecked to make sure it was measured right.I asked him if those marks would wipe off. Mr.John said they were in the stone.I told him what the lady said and he just shook his head. We set the vase on and that took a while to get it all looking like I needed it to look. Right at the end Mr.John asked me if I wanted him to move the angel up to hide the black mark in the stone.He said he knew it was gonna bother me. We moved it. It is perfect.Pancho got a bucket and a brush and very gently began to wash the headstone .Nothing was rushed. He made sure every part was clean, and then took his hand and rinsed it all off. Robin,my son, came about that time. Mr.John asked me one last time if everything was ok. I told him it was fine, and that I guess those were the marks for the angel ....he just didn't know it. I think between my comments and Bruce's , they are still trying to figure us out.There is always time for a laugh, it's just the way we are. ..Before they left Pancho took his whisk broom and swept the marker next to Rachels off. He spent a lot of time on it. He never looked up to see if anyone was watching , he just did it. I wipe it off when I go too, but not the way he did. He has the right heart for this job. Well by now I'm sure you are wondering where the photos are???? That will be the next post.I wanted you to know the story when you see them. You have been here with me every step of the way, so I just wanted you to be able to feel this too. I worried that once I got the angel there, I wouldn't like it, or it wouldn't be big enough , or blah blah blah..... I love it. I don't think it could ever be big enough ..so this one is fine. People tell me they think the angel looks like Rachel. It does remind me of her too.I understand that people do not become angels , (but they can appear in different forms)but, the angel is holding a heart. That is the part that means the most to me. Rachel left part of her heart here, figuratively , and literally.Everyone that knew her and loved her has a part of her heart , and my hope is that her heart donations were able to be used. That is what it represents to me.The guarding of HER heart....the one that we carry.

Love In Bloom

(i hid the last names for privacy)


The sweet lady that plays the keyboard in our praise band lost her mother last week.The funeral was yesterday, and for them it was a beautiful sunny day.My day went horribly wrong.One of the puppies crawled out of their fence and fell in my goldfish pond.I got her out just in time.It took forever for her to stop shaking and warm up.It happened while I was dropping kids off at school so I don't know how long she had been in there. Then later in the afternoon, I went to go water my porch plants and check on my baby birds.The neighbors dog had destroyed the nest and the baby birds body was lying on the porch...I was so sick, and mad. Throw in lots of other ridiculousness, and needless to say I was ready for a NEW day..Last night as I was laying in the bed trying to sleep ,I was thinking about the nest in my plant from the funeral, which led me to think about the day I got them all.That was without a doubt one of my favorite days..the day the flowers came.I don't know if you know this but, they only bring the flowers that are on a stand to the cemetery.All of the arrangements in baskets and all the potted plants go to the home. When I say my house was full of flowers,I mean FULL. They just kept coming.I had to set up tables to have places to put them.My house smelled so good. There was just so much beauty .Those flowers helped to fill the emptiness that was so palpable in my home.I read every card,and smelled every flower ...and then did it again.I had several beautiful days.I told my husband that I wished there was some way to just keep it this way.There was just so much love represented in those flowers.As they would begin to fade,I would quickly remove them and rework what was left to try to keep it beautiful.As they would fade, part of me would too. I do have several house plants left. I lost a few of them in a freeze but I still have about 15 of them left.The part that gets me the most is that I didn't have enough sense to take pictures of them!!!!Can you believe it? I know I was exhausted ,and barely even functioning, but I can't believe I didn't take a million pictures of flowers.I don't know exactly when I woke up, but I am glad I did finally realize that a picture IS worth a thousand words.I can see all of the arrangements in my mind, but boy would I love to be able and just sit and look at them again.I do have a photo of one of my favorite arrangements.It was from some of my sisters sweet friends .The picture really doesn't show how BEAUTIFUL this arrangement was, but when I see, it I can remember it so clearly and I can remember the love.Thank you all so much for the love.

Held

I think about Rachels hands a lot. Her hands were very different from mine.I have really big knuckles, and well, basically "man hands". I also have double jointed thumbs. Rachel had what I call "smart girl" hands.They were much more feminine.She had really long fingers too.I was always fascinated with her hands (and her feet too, but that's another story).I can see her holding her phone.I see her holding her purse ,or her constantly playing with her hair..But I think the thing I think about the most is seeing Robin-(her brother),and Kennedy touching her hand the night of visitation. I can see it so clearly..Seeing them hold her hand is one of the most precious, tender moments that I have of that night. As all of the other moments play out in my mind, they usually come back to this. I know this is probably really hard to read and to understand. I don't think I can write it with as much beauty, hurt, tenderness, and love as when I saw it happen,but I know I will never forget it.


"This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved, and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held."

When You Know Where It Is

I realized as I approach the 7 month mark ,that I have never shared the song with you that I was given just days before Rachels wreck.My mother-n-law shared it with me Labor Day weekend. I loved the chorus.I played it for Rachel in the car on the way to pick up KK after school the next week.We even talked about who should sing it at church.This song is also one of the first things I heard in my head as I came upon the wreck ,and realized what had happened. The beginning of this video is a little slow,but stay with it, you don't want to miss the end..The funeral for my friend Jodie is today also..this song is so perfect for her too..I pray that I will do just as the song says and take comfort in what I know.

Fly

This week has been a really hard.One of my very dear friends from school passed away on Monday.She had been trying to overcome cancer for the past 7 years. I had known Jodie since Jr High.We were in band together.I got out of band in High school, but we remained friends.She went on vacation with us, we went to the beach together after graduation, and we even shared an apartment.We actually shared a room..You really learn a lot about someone when you live with them.We also were in each others weddings...Jodie was so fun to be around.She was a tall girl.She definitely had a strong presence in a room.She also had a sweetness about her that was very sincere.She really wanted you to be happy.She spent the last years of her life pushing for them to change the age of screening for colon cancer, hoping to help someone else avoid what she had to endure.They say that adversity builds character, but I think it also REVEALS it.Jodie has spent the past 7 years living .Living her life with dignity,grace, and compassion. I regret that I did not go to my 25 year reunion.It was in October,last year..I just couldn't.Jodie came in for it...I wish I could have seen my friend one last time.On my facebook page I posted the words to the Celin Dion song "Fly" just moments after I found out that Jodie had passed..I love the words to the song ..the line that says "take your gentle happiness far to beautiful for this"..it is for my friend Jodie, and for my beautiful Rachel.....

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light



This is part of Jodies story in her own words..her last days were spent taking experimental drugs to try to get rid of the tumors in her brain....take the time to read it ,and then reflect on the "little things" that have been making your life so hard.....

One thing I have learned as I have grown older is that everyone has a story about something that has impacted their life dramatically. This is mine. Five and a half years ago at the age of 37 I thought I was invincible. I was single, active and had a successful business career. I traveled, was involved in the local social scene, had great friends and a wonderful family connection. I had reached a place where I had learned a great deal about myself and felt a level of self confidence I had never felt before. I was in a great place in my life. Then everything changed in a moments notice. I was on a business trip in Arizona when getting ready for work I noticed I had passed a blood clot while going to the restroom before I headed out for the morning. I was startled because it was large and something I had never noticed before. I decided to go to a local medical clinic in town to discuss with a doctor. Upon our conversation, the doctor stated it could be a number of any issues such as stomach problems, ulcers, polyps, etc. His best advice was to go back home and schedule a colonoscopy. I took his advice, and upon arriving back home made the appointment. With my best friend in tow to drive me home after the procedure, I went to my appointment. I was nervous, due to the fact I had heard it wasn’t a pleasant procedure and really had associated it with a much older age group. The procedure took place, and was not anything I had imagined it to be. I undressed, put on my oh- so- fashionable hospital gown, had an IV inserted in my arm and drifted off to sleep. Simple as that. When I awoke, my friend was by my side in my curtained off room as we waited for the doctor who performed the procedure to arrive with information. She came around the curtain looking very serious and proceeded to show me various photographs of my colon, some revealing polyps she had removed, with one shocking photo in particular. It was a large tumor in my sigmoid colon which was revealed to be colon cancer. I was stunned, and really could not absorb the news. My friend took me home, poured me a glass of wine, and let me cry my heart out. How could this be?? I was only 37 years old, thought I was healthy and felt great. Had it not been for my friend, I don’t know how I would have managed. From that point on it was a dizzying time; having to tell my family, scheduling doctor’s appointments, and finally removing about a foot of my colon in a difficult but reasonably non invasive laser surgery. Thank goodness I had been referred to one of the top surgeons in my area for this type of procedure. Later, I was told that had I waited much longer, the tumor would have passed through the lining of my colon and spread all throughout my abdomen, resulting in a very dismal opportunity of survival. The news following my first of many surgeries was one I had hoped I would not face. I felt hopeful that removing the tumor would be the end of the nightmare. Instead it proved to only be the beginning. My surgeon called me about a week after the surgery and reluctantly told me that the cancer had metastasized and the cells were now in my system; there was no way to tell where they would land and what organs could be affected next. I remember being sick at my stomach as I held the phone in my hand and turned to tell my mother, who was staying with me during my recovery. We just sat down together and cried. The days following were filled with many types of emotions; anger, fear, frustration, pain and despair to name a few. It is now over five years, six major surgeries (to remover tumors that formed in my lungs), seven rounds of chemotherapy and lots of prayers later. I have been told again I have new nodules in my lungs and liver as well as cancerous activity in my bones and just stated radiation on a new found brain tumor. I have been able to fight and keep the cancer at bay, but have yet to beat it into remission as treatment options are becoming increasingly limited. My friends, family and co-workers have rallied around me and supported me every step of the way. I have married a man who loves me cancer and all, vowing to always be by my side no matter what. My oncologist, my doctors and nurses are the best and I feel lucky to have them helping me through my battle. My wish is to share my story, especially to a younger group, to raise awareness to get colonoscopies and cancer screening at a much earlier age so that a similar situation can be prevented. I pray daily that I can beat this and put it behind me; but no matter what I will never lose my appreciation for life and all of the blessings that have been given to me. My only regret is that it took something like this to show me the value of every day, and what truly is important in life. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff, and stay positive even in the face of adversity. Please join me in my mission of awareness. The Face for Colon Cancer is a way for me to reach out and touch the 20-30-40 something age group and motivate them to learn more about colon cancer. It is preventable.

The Light

While we were at the lake during spring break,I wrote a couple more poems/songs. Sometimes I sit and try to write and just stare at the computer forever...and nothing happens.Then I will be in the car, or just be caught up in doing several things and somehow through all the noise I hear the words .Being at the lake was very hard.As I write that sentence I hear in my mind "DUH">>.Of course it was hard,its ALL hard.Anyway, I was sitting in the room late one night watching a Roseanne marathon, which made me miss Rach even more.We spent many hours together watching that show, many hours laughing together.I wrote these words very quickly.As I always say =keep in mind this is a rough draft. Maybe one day my "accompanist" can put some more of these to music like she did "Beautiful One"..I hope when you read these you understand some of what I am going through.Maybe you know someone else who is grieving and it helps you to understand what they are feeling.I try to be as honest as I can about where I am right now ,in this moment. This is my journal.I open it to you because I have never in my life felt the things I am feeling, and if my words help someone else to understand that it is OK , it is OK to be sad , it is OK to cry till you think your eyeballs will just pop out. Just keep holding on to your precious Savior.Just keep breathing, and taking one MINUTE at a time ,and if that is too much then do one second.Just keep feeling and keep praying.." He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Here I am once again
finding myself giving in
to all the pain I'm living in
since your not here with me.

Trying to find a way to breathe
when every day your all I see,
and everything I hoped to be
was what I saw in you.


Show me how to see the light
tell me it will be all right.
Take my hand and lead me
to where the dark cant find me...anymore.


I think about you all the time
your name is always on my mind,
and all the dreams you left behind
will live here in my heart.


I think that things would be all right
if I could only tell you bye
or say I love you one more time
and hold you in my arms.





Show me how to see the light
tell me it will be all right.
Take my hand and lead me
to where the dark cant find me...anymore.

Grief Puzzle

I haven't updated as much as I used to.I find it harder than it used to be to sit and put all my thoughts into sentences that will make sense to someone else.My mind goes nonstop day and night now.I used to sleep ALL night.It was like someone just turned the switch off=no dreams=no tossing=just sleep.Now I am awake most of the night.I lay in the dark and try to make myself go back to sleep,because I know how hard the next day will be.
Easter was very draining, as are all the holidays or special days.I didn't dye Easter eggs this year, we made those rice kripy treat eggs that they show on tv.I just didn't want to dye eggs.I remember every year doing them with the kids. Rachel always tried to do something very different to her eggs.And then fixing the baskets....Since my kids were very little,I have always made sure that everything was even, or the same amount, in their baskets.I even fixed the older kids something for Easter even though they thought they were too big.As I was putting jellybeans in plastic eggs this year, I lost it.It just seemed like everything I will ever do is going to be so hard.I've said so many times how EVERYTHING ,every single thing,reminds me of her.And then I had this one moment of clarity.At least I have a million memories. At least every holiday that comes around I can say "I remember "......instead of "I wish"...... I have memories of when Rach was little doing things, and then I have memories of her when she got older helping me do the same things with her little sisters.As hard as it seems now, I am so grateful for them and I know that one day it will be easier to think on them.After Easter I thought well now I can just coast because there aren't any more holidays...and then it hit me what was next...Mothers Day...that is what my life is now....trying to prepare myself for what I am going to have to deal with next.And yes I know that goes against what I had posted earlier "don't go there, God isn't there"...I'm human remember? I'm still trying to sort it all out.And some days I am failing miserably.I find myself thinking too much about the wrong things.Like maybe I should talk to the driver of the truck?Maybe I should talk to the man that was the first responder? Maybe if I could find out what happened????Why? Knowing that is not going to change what has happened..All it is going to do is torture my mind even more.There will be no peace in knowing any more details.I think it is just a part of the grief.I think it is just me trying to jam all these pieces of some very dark puzzles together,and the truth is there really isn't a way to make them fit.But I think I am ok with just letting them touch,or overlap enough so that I can see what I am supposed to see,and hopefully not see what I don't need to see.

I WILL RISE

Rachels name means LITTLE LAMB. Everywhere I go there are little lambs for sale for Easter.I am trying to do things a little different this year.Not that they will be done the same way next year, but for now I just need a change. I am trying also to see what God shows us this time of year in nature.We have 6 beautiful puppies, and a bird has made a nest in one of my flowers ,from the funeral, right outside the little girls window.What a gift each of these things are and what a beautiful reminder of what we have through The Lamb...new life ...new beginnings.Please take a few minutes and watch the video of I Will Rise. Click on the title and it will start.
I gave a quick testimony last Sunday about my Ebeneezer, my bracelet. I was so glad that I could open my mouth and share what was in my heart.I always stumble when I have to say her name out loud. I don't know why it is easier to say "my daughter" than it is to just say "Rachel".I miss Rachel..

Let every man and woman count himself immortal. Let him catch the revelation of Jesus in his resurrection. Let him say not merely, "Christ is risen," but "I shall rise." ~Phillips Brooks

My Miss Princess

after
before

Well she didn't place in the pageant.I have a real hard time letting her do them in the first place. I don't ever want Kennedy to feel that she is not beautiful enough.Not that I want her to think she is prettier than others,I just want her to know how very special she is.She did great before,during and after the pageant.She has a great attitude.Her smile after NOT winning is as big ,if not bigger, than it was before.I think it was just harder for me this year because I have seen Kennedy have so many sad days, I just didn't want to see another one.She handled it better than I could have.I have never heard her say anything bad about any part of it.She just does them and takes what she gets..she'll get a crown ...one day.


Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Pageants and Playing

Thank you all for the words of encouragement I received from the last post.A lot of them were not written here, but were personally said to me.Sometimes I forget when I am writing this blog that OTHER people actually read it,but I am so glad that you do.
My days seem to be getting shorter and shorter.The pageant is this Saturday night.I thought we would never find a dress.Finally, I found one on the Internet, and we go to the ladies house to try it on.It is a very soft rose color.Kennedy doesn't like pink, but ,this dress looked beautiful in the photo.I told her to humor me and try it on,but not to be rude if she didn't like it. It looked so pretty on ....The lady left the room and I looked at Kennedy and she shook her head yes..I said do you like it? She said I LOVE IT!!!! I said are you sure???and then she got that look that I have seen so many times....I could barely hear her words...she said " Its so soft, and beautiful..and it reminds me of Rachel".....I just smiled and kissed her head and said " I think its perfect"...sooo now we are practicing for pageant and our praise band is playing Sunday morning, and I have in the midst of all this decided to sing for the first time in church since September...I love the song I have chosen.I was going to sing a different song ,but it just kept getting pushed back.I think this is the song I needed to sing. Another young lady at church is supposed to be singing a little harmony with me....she keeps trying to get me to do it all by myself....we'll see. The first time I heard this song I loved it...

I'd Need A Savior - Among the Thirsty

How many names
Can I use to explain
The love of my Jesus
The life that He gave
And so many times
Will I praise You today
I lift up my life
Cause You're always the same
And my offering
To you I bring

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior

How many songs
Can I sing to proclaim
Your wondrous love
Oh and beauty so great
Oh and, What would I say
If You brought down the rain
And everyday I walked through the pain
My heart would still say…

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior.

Your what I hold on too,
I know that you brought me through,
All the days of loss and to the cross You knew,
That I'd need a Savior
I'd need a Savior,
I need You Savior.

IIWWMS

This week has been so hard.I think a lot of my sorrow was actually left over from last week on spring break.I held so much in because I wanted the little girls to be able to just ,well, be little girls.They smiled and laughed the whole week. I smiled too ,and held my memories and my sorrow in.Well, it all came out this week.There were also a lot of things new to face.The headstone, the six month marker...Rachs sweet friend Brittni reminded me that from now on every 17th of March ,everyone will be wearing Rachs favorite color..I knew I had been in the "fog" of grief ,but I have realized that after I am through it I always have more clarity about something that has really been on my heart,or something really good happens. I realize it is all a slow process,and I know it WILL get better.I was feeling so low on the 17th and so many friends sent me sweet messages about how I encourage them and inspire them...which made me twinge at first because I just was feeling so low.But then this morning happened.It was so foggy this morning,so grey and just funky.As I was taking the girls to school I looked over ,as I do every morning, to look for the sun .I love seeing the sun rises and the sunsets(I hope you know why).When I looked over this morning ,I really didn't expect to see much because of the fog.Oh my gosh...the sun was so bright you could hardly look at it.It was just this huge ball of light shining, and through the trees you could see the rays cutting through the fog.It was breath taking.So much so that I had to pull my car over.And thats when I realized what a I was seeing was a great reflection of my life.The fog of grief in my heart,in my head, in my whole being .And then there is the SON...shining so bright and cutting through all my grief and pain.But ...here's the thing.How many people drove passed it or through this morning and never saw it.They never even turned their heads to see the sun.Its the same way with The SON. He's there...always,just like the sun , but can you see Him or feel Him in YOUR darkness.And then there are those that even though I wasn't seeing Him, they could see Him working through me.So for today,the fog has not lifted, I can just see "the light" shining through it.My goal is to be able to use I I W W M S as my mantra..It Is Well With My Soul..read the words slowly....

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul

Finding the right words

Today I went to the monument place to tell them what to engrave on the headstone.After everything else I have already had to deal with,I don't understand why this was so hard.I was a mess before I ever even got to the place.Its just words....written in stone.The ladies there are so understanding.It took a while ,but I think I got it like I wanted it. It will be another 3 to 4 weeks before it will be in place.That will be another hurdle,but it too will be ok.It will be hard, but I know it will be ok.I wanted to share this song that I wrote a while back.It was all I could think about today when I was trying to figure it all out.
keep in mind,its a rough draft....



When your lowest isn't kneeling
when your dreams are in the ground.
when you feel your heart is breaking
but you cannot make a sound
look up and see me shining.
look up and see me fall.
I'm in every sun thats rising
I hear your whispers call

I'm here
always
I'm here.
always.

I know your days are lonely
and sleep is sweet relief.
that phony smile you're wearing
just doesn't hide your grief.
so dry your eyes my darling
and open up your heart.
and let my love come in and know
we'll never be apart.

I'm here
always
I'm here
always

One day the dark will shatter
and you will find your peace.
the joy will be endless
and no more will you grieve.
the loneliness wont matter
because you ll finally see
the love that you have carried,
has carried you to me.

Spring Break

This past week was our spring break.I knew this was going to be a long hard week.I spent every spring break with Rach up and until last year.Her job keep her from going with us,BUT as usual, we were on the phone together constantly.Usually on our spring breaks we would go to my sisters house in Houston and hang out,and shop,and go to the zoo etc.A couple of years ago we got to go to Sea World with my sister and her family. It was very hard this year to go to Houston,but that is what the girls wanted to do. It was a really good trip.This year my husband was with us. We spent a full day in Houston and then spent a day at Moody Gardens in Galveston.We came home regrouped and headed to the lake.Thats when it got hard for me.We are fortunate to have a very generous sister-n-law who ,without hesitation, gives us the keys to her lake house.We have spent many days there. I drove many times to the lake with Rachel right there with me.She wasn't able to go this past summer because of her job,again, but we spoke and texted nonstop.We have so many memories at the lake, with ALL of the kids.I am so thankful that we were given the opportunity to go as often as we did.I know Kennedy especially remembers it all. She said she needed to go to the lake to find her memories..They had a good time. I found myself thinking nonstop about Rachel just like I always do, but it was different kinds of memories.The girls wanted to talk a lot about Rach. They weren't sad,they just wanted to hear stories.I was more than glad to share with them.Kenny is always good at telling stories too. Rach was his biggest fan.She would sit with him and say " tell me about ..." she loved to hear him talk about the good ol days.I will be posting more about the trip.I just wanted to update so you wouldn't think I gave up.Some very interesting things happened this week.Right now, I need sleep.

Joy in the morning

Yesterday after having a wonderful Saturday with the little girls,I went to Rachels garden .Thats the way it is for me.It just hits me and I need to go. I go just to be sure its all ok.I go to pray.For whatever reason ,I go.Yesterday when we got there, my mom and dad were there.My mom makes sure that there are always beautiful flowers there. When I walked up I noticed she had put the new ones out,and I noticed my angel was not there.I asked them about it, and they had not moved it.It was gone.I honestly don't think it was just a random angel stealing.I think someone took Rachels angel.There are much prettier angels ,and other decorations in that cemetery.I thought I was going to throw up.It just really made me sick that someone would just take something like that. Today well ,I'm over it,. I refuse to let that take me further down into a place that I don't want to be in. I struggle daily to walk in the light.Maybe whoever took that angel just misses Rachel so much that they needed it...had to have it. Maybe they took it to put on their loved ones grave, I don't know.What I do know is they can take my stuff ,but I refuse to let them rob me of one more day , or one more minute of joy.

"But to give the things you can not keep
For what you cannot lose
Is the way to find the joy
God has for you....
Hold on my child,Joy comes in the morning,"

More than words

I got word today that the headstone that I ordered is finally in.It took longer because I had some modifications made to it.This picture is it while they were working on it.I haven't seen it ,but the lady says it is just beautiful.Now comes the hard part. I have to try to decide what to have engraved on it.How can I possibly put in that small of a space the words to let people know how very special Rachel was. I want every person whoever stands by that grave to know ..Rachel was beautiful..Rachel was beautiful enough to be Miss America,and smart enough to be president.Rachel was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.She was loving,compassionate,and giving.If Rachel had 10 cents to her name ,she would give it to someone else if they needed it because she knew, somehow, she would be okay.Rachel hated to see people hurt.She always found time to listen to others and to let them know she cared and never missed an opportunity to tell them about her Jesus.Rachel was my best friend.Rachel was a best friend to many. Rachel was a loving sister.There aren't words to describe how much we miss her..Somehow just putting her name and "dates" on there just doesn't seem like enough. I've had all these months to think about this and now that it's here, I can't even sort it out.I need it to be perfect,I'll have to see it and read it every time I'm there. Everything else has been so much easier to do.The words for the eulogy just poured out of me.I can talk for hours about her,but I just cant put in a 2 foot space how very much I love her ...Our beautiful Rachel...







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Skidmarks

Its amazing to me how my GriefShare messages are sometimes just right on what I have been dealing with====My extreme feelings of course from day to day .I have been having more days lately where I am not quite so crippled by my sadness.I think having Kennedy home all week has helped. Todays verse was another one of those that I want to share with you. We all have thoughts in our head about the future.We all take one little thing and stretch it into a HUGE thing.Then we add on to that, and twist it ,and "what if"it until we've spent countless hours making it into something horrific because WE kept answering the "what if".We create a fear of the future out of what goes on in our mind.The Bible says that God is love. It also says that love CANNOT coexist with fear. So if Jesus lives in you, you do not need to fear.That is worth repeating...IF JESUS LIVES IN YOU,YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEAR..
"There is NO fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18).
This is one of those little messages that everyone can use,not just those dealing with grief.Why do we say our God is so powerful ,and then put limits on Him with our fear??I know first hand what a loving , mighty God we have.John 16:33 was shared with me this week.......
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

"Be of good cheer".We have to do our part too.It is so much easier for me to say that ,than it is to do that.I can talk all day about all the things God has done for me and all His promises ,and then turn around and stop living it myself.I am really trying to live the "be of good cheer" part.People always want to share that "Footprints in the sand" poem with me.I always tell them that with me its one set of footprints and some skid marks where God is dragging me saying"come one Suzette,you can do this"...one set of skid marks in the sand....maybe that will be my next song.

Did she find Him?

These past 5 months have been so full of emotions and memories. I can think back to the day the wreck happened and remember so clearly almost every minute of that day.Then I'll open a cabinet and ask myself"when did I buy this"?????I guess its just a protective mode we go in out of fear of forgetting.I remember so much about the funeral too.Even as exhausted mentally and physically as I was, I remember even the smallest detail. One thing these past couple of days has really been on my mind, and I keep obsessing over it.After I took the podium and asked the kids not leave the church unless they were sure that if the same thing happened to them ,their mother would know where they were(in Heaven), there was an altar call.After that it was time for everyone to walk up and have their last goodbye. I remember feeling the need to hug every person,or at least just look them in the eyes and let them know how much it meant to me for them to be there.I realize some of those people weren't there because of me or my side of the family,but I still wanted them to know how moved I was that they were there.As people were coming down the aisle, I noticed this young lady coming towards me that looked familiar.She and Rachel had went to school together since elementary.They weren't really close friends , but I have known who this girl is for a long time. She hugged me and could barely talk, but she looked very pleadingly in my eyes and said" I just want you to know, that I've thought about what you said ,and I don't think my momma would know where I am if something happened to me and I think its about time I do something about that." Here's the part that bothers me....I should have grabbed her right then and brought her to my preacher, or anyone ,but instead I just hugged her very tight and told her I was so glad ,and I told her to tell her mother that she loved her .Then she said" I'm gonna do things different"...I'm going to pray that God will put me or someone I know in this young ladys path. I just have really been burdened for this girl.I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I realize I get a "pass" on this one considering how hard the day was.I just want to know that THAT DAY did make a difference in her life.

Do you see what I see?

Well since Sunday my life has been a blur.Kennedy came down with a high fever ,which turned out to be the start of the flu.She is such a trooper.She does not like to be "down". She is not a complainer either.She is also one of the few who want to eat when they are sick.She reminds me so much of Rachel.Rachel would be so sick ,even with a very upset stomach, and want to eat "food",not crackers or soup, she would want a hamburger or pizza...I was in a way glad to have a distraction.My birthday was yesterday.I had spent the morning cleaning the house just in case I got sick too. The whole day I thought about Rach. Big Red,our favorite Cardinal,showed up bright and early and was singing louder than ever. It reminded me of how a few Christmas's ago our cat took it upon himself to kill a "Big Red", and leave his mangled body at the door for us to find.My husband was not at the home at the time and I was just useless.I couldn't go and clean it up,and I did not want my little girls to see it.Well guess who went and took care of it...Rach...She saved me some of the feathers.When she came back in the house I was washing the dishes ,staring out my kitchen window crying my eyes out.She stood by me and I turned to her and said"can you believe I'm crying over a stupid bird"? Her eyes were watering too,I think for me and not the bird.She said"mom its not stupid, it was Big Red"...she gave me the biggest hug.Then she placed the feathers on the counter.Which prompted me to say " I used to have a little bird ,now all I have is feathers."..(When Rach was little I had gotten her a parakeet, which our yorkie killed the first time we took it out of the cage.Rachel walked in the room and said "I used to have a little bird, now all I have is some feathers.)...Everything I did yesterday made me think about her, how she looked at people ,how she hated to see people hurting. Even last night watching American Idol, I was thinking about how she could not stand to watch the audition part of the show.It literally would break her heart to watch .She sometimes would have tears in her eyes.She said it was so sad to hear the ones singing that were really sooo bad, but they thought they were good.She would have to change the channel some time, because it would just be too much for her.She hated for them to be ridiculed.She just saw things so different.Now,obviously there are people on the show purely for entertainment, and she knew that,but in the first seasons there were many that were used for entertainment that were not funny...just sad.Watching it last night,there were some girls who were just having a bad night, and it made me want to change the channel because it made me so uncomfortable for them.All day there were things that reminded me of her.I was not sad all day though.I was able to see her and remember her in all these things, and just enjoy being in those moments .That does not mean it will be that way today.I think yesterday was a gift to me....and I glady accepted it.

Mine Ebeneezer

Our praise band was requested to play more traditional hymns during our worship service.Come Thou Fount was our first choice.Most people sing that song and never really know,or think about,what the words are.The second verse=Here I raise mine Ebeneezer= any idea what that's about? Isn't is odd how we can just sing songs and not know what we are singing? I found the story about this verse so amazing ,I wanted to share it with you...
Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12..When Israel,under Samuels leadership, finally turned their hearts and minds back to God and He restored them,Samuel put this huge stone right in the middle of town basically,so that the people could see and be reminded of what God had brought them through,and what He promised He would do for them.They could look at that stone for years to come and be reminded of Gods judgement and repentance;His mercy and restoration. I don't have a huge stone,but I consider the bracelet that I have from Rachels car= mine Ebeneezer.It reminds me of what God has brought me through,EVERY STEP OF,and also of what I am walking towards.Remember the verse that is on it? Revelations 21:4, its at the top right of this page.I put the bracelet on the drums when I play.I have it in the car when I drive,and its in the house with me. "Up to this point the Lord has helped us" I am US, too.Surely you can think of a time when God was there for you too.You probably don't have a huge stone either. Some people use a prayer journal.I use the bracelet as a reminder of Gods faithfulness,of His mercies,and of His promises. He is the author and the finisher.



Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

2. Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Don't go there

My sweet friend Theresa who is walking her own path of grief,told me about GriefShare.They send me a daily message, with a scripture.Today's was so good.I wanted to share it with ya'll because it applies not only to grief,but to any situation that causes you worry ,panic or anxiety.If you are dwelling in the uncertainties of the future or clinging to mistakes of the past....
There are days when I constantly see images that I really don't want to see.Images from the wreck site, from the funeral. Some days it is non stop,just like a slideshow..I am able to do all my daily duties, but it is always running. Some days I can remember only the beauty of it all, but on the "dark" days when I am walking in my mind through places where I shouldn't be walking,I'm going to remember what God tells us in Matthew 6:34 to live one day at a time: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." God is walking with me NOW ,Right NOW.When we go to the other places we go alone.God tell us not to worry about the future.He tells us to stay in today..God is with me today.Today I will work on stopping the bitter, sadness one thought at a time..Don't go there (God's not there). I hate to quote a cartoon but...
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery , today is a Gift,thats why it is called the present...
Each day we have is truly a gift.

My Valentine

I can't remember exactly when it started, but for as long as I can remember my husband has been the Valentine fairy. He always sets out Valentine baskets for me and for the girls.Rachel and I used to laugh at him because he always bought us things from the people that set up on the side of the road with those overpriced baskets. One year we actually drove by and saw him shopping!I can still see Rach laughing about that. She told me to call him and see what he says he's doing.That girl..Today was very sad for me.Such a huge gaping hole on my table where her basket would be.I am so thankful for a husband who loved my daughter so much. He was so very protective of her.If we went out to eat she would avoid talking to boys she knew because she knew Kenny was going to go talk to them too. He was amazed at how smart she was. He always told her how beautiful she was. He would tell her that she didn't need some punk boy telling her how beautiful she was to believe it.But she never saw it.I think thats what made her even more beautiful.

If you ever leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you'll get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Hallmark moments-NOT

I went to my local drug store this afternoon with the intention of getting my "Valentine" a card. Every card that I picked up was wrong. They all talked about "everything we've been through, or the good and the bad, or the sorrow" ...I really hadn't thought about not being able to get a card. I could have gotten a funny one ,but they really weren't that funny.I just stood there looking and the rows of cards in disbelief..really..someone needs to address this at Hallmark. I just wanted to share this in case someone else was feeling the same thing.Once again, when it hits =it hits,there is no stopping it.Of course there were 2 girls I went to school with in the store.I tried to do the avoid-dance,but 1 found me at the register with my "punchy,teary eyes". I decided to take a pass on the card and hopefully I can convince my hubby that one is not needed for me.Its gonna be a long weekend.

Walmart Bargains and Blessings

I went to Walmart this morning to get some things for our Valentine party at church tonight.Just like everyone else in this town, I am at walmart at least once a week.The lady who checked me out has done so many times...many times.I've heard her sing hymns,watched her laugh with the customers.Today was different. The man in line in front of me was from my church.He told me the lady who was my cashier,had lost her daughter too. He then looked at the lady and told her I had lost my daughter.I've wrote before about paradigm shifts-Seeing the world through a different lens.Today was one of those lens changing days. When our eyes met I could see so far down into this womans heart.Deep into the places where we carry our pain, our broken dreams, and the love for our daughters.The love that is held by chains so strong that nothing on this earth could ever take it. To look in her eyes and see that one tear, slowly begin to fall,and to know how hot that one drop of saline can feel.My heart felt like it was in my shoes. She lost her daughter 13 years ago.It was a motorcycle accident.Her daughter and my niece were in the same class, same age.I wanted so badly to just go sit somewhere and talk to her.To hear about her daughter. To tell her all the things God has done for me.I wanted,I needed to touch her. I know you don't understand that sentence.Some people get uncomfortable when you talk about "laying hands" on people. If you think about it, its what moms do instinctively when their kids get hurt.The very first thing we do is grab our kids and hug them.We touch what is hurt, as if to take the pain on ourselves.I wanted to put my hand on this woman. I wanted her to feel what I feel. I wanted her to know, "I feel it too. I know your pain." I know how very alone it can feel. Then she said my favorite words,"I'm OK".I told her it was my answer for everything too.Then we talked about how that was the only answer for when people ask "how are you"?I told her my other favorite thing to say" Jesus wept,I get to be sad too".She loved it. She asked for my number, I also gave her this blog site. The point of this very long post is that just yesterday I shared with someone that I wasn't ready to hear about other people grief. I was wrong ...again. I wasn't ready, but God was ready for me too. I don't know why I can't get that through my head. I guess I need to keep my big mouth shut , and keep my heart and my ears open. God's timing....
The party with my GA girls was great. I found these huge lollipops that said LOVE IS.I read from 1 Corinthians 13 what love is.It was very hard because its Rachels favorite verses.I made it through to the verse where it says Love never fails. For some reason that part always gets me.The girls clung to my every word...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Beautiful Green dresses

I have said many times how much it seems like EVERYTHING reminds me of Rachel.Some days it is non-stop.Its not always in a sad way ,sometimes it is in a funny way.She had the best sense of humor.She loved to laugh. She loved to make me laugh.I see KK trying to do that more and more everyday too.KK is pretty funny (for a 7 year old).Saturday I took Kennedy to go try on pageant dresses.She loves doing the B-B-Q Festival here in our town. She has placed in it several times.I thought this year she might not want to do it, but she is counting down the days.I found this gorgeous white strapless gown for her to try on.It was so pretty on her.It took up almost the whole dressing room, it was so big.Kennedy was looking at herself in the mirror and said"This is a beautiful dress, it reminds me of Rachel." I just smiled and told her how beautiful she looked in it.Later when we got in the car Kennedy said she loved the dress but it was not as pretty as Rachels green dress(the dress in the first video.It was also her burial gown ).I did the best I could to hide my tears.I want her to always talk to me about her feelings and not hold them in because she thinks it makes me sad.I also have this other light green dress that Rach wore in the homecoming parade and to the Jingle Bell Ball.Kennedy asked if when she got older she could wear Rachels light green dress in the pageant.I told her I thought that would be perfect,then she tried to pin me down on how old she had to be to wear it.I am not ready to for that at all, but I know just like everything else worrying about doing it is harder than actually doing it. This month will be 5 months. So much has happened in that short time.Sometimes it seems like so long ago and other times it seems like just days ago it all happened. KK said I needed to get some new eye cream "cuz your eyes look a little punchy"ouch..please leave me some suggestions cuz what I'm using ain't workin!

Pieces of me

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, most of it online.I have a hard time with holding an actual book in my hand and reading it. I think it is because it reminds me so much of Rachel. She read constantly.She was what I would call a speed reader.It amazed my husband how fast she could read and be able to fully comprehend and retain what she had read.When I sit with a book, I see her.Its really doesn't surprise me,everything I do or see reminds me of her.The point is, its easier for me to read online. I have thoughts that stay in my head about the wreck,about Heaven, about Rachel,about death, and its like having a 1000 piece puzzle that you are trying to do without being able to look at a picture of the puzzle. How does it all fit together????? Will I ever be able to piece it together? Does God even want me to?
As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:12: "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know full, even as I am fully known." I'm going to keep reading, and I going to keep hoping,and I going to keep remembering. Thanks for stopping by.

Drumming

Our praise band played during the worship service last month.I really enjoy playing at the drums for them.I have very limited skills ,believe me I know.My brother n law PLAYS the drums.I know the difference.I put Rachels bracelet that was found in her car,that I read at the graveside,on the cymbal stand.It has the verse from Revelation 21:4 engraved on it. She would have loved to see me play.Even when I am playing I am thinking about her,but the sadness is not always there.I think that is why I like to play.Music was always so much apart of us,and it still is.This is just a part of one of the songs we played.My 11 yr old videoed it with my camera so the sound is not that great.I love the chorus" Break my heart for what breaks yours"..... I see a generation Rising up to take their place With selfless faith With selfless faith I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek We're on our knees We're on our knees [Chorus] Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart for what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from nothing to Eternity [Chorus x2] Hosanna in the highest