Grief Puzzle

I haven't updated as much as I used to.I find it harder than it used to be to sit and put all my thoughts into sentences that will make sense to someone else.My mind goes nonstop day and night now.I used to sleep ALL night.It was like someone just turned the switch off=no dreams=no tossing=just sleep.Now I am awake most of the night.I lay in the dark and try to make myself go back to sleep,because I know how hard the next day will be.
Easter was very draining, as are all the holidays or special days.I didn't dye Easter eggs this year, we made those rice kripy treat eggs that they show on tv.I just didn't want to dye eggs.I remember every year doing them with the kids. Rachel always tried to do something very different to her eggs.And then fixing the baskets....Since my kids were very little,I have always made sure that everything was even, or the same amount, in their baskets.I even fixed the older kids something for Easter even though they thought they were too big.As I was putting jellybeans in plastic eggs this year, I lost it.It just seemed like everything I will ever do is going to be so hard.I've said so many times how EVERYTHING ,every single thing,reminds me of her.And then I had this one moment of clarity.At least I have a million memories. At least every holiday that comes around I can say "I remember "......instead of "I wish"...... I have memories of when Rach was little doing things, and then I have memories of her when she got older helping me do the same things with her little sisters.As hard as it seems now, I am so grateful for them and I know that one day it will be easier to think on them.After Easter I thought well now I can just coast because there aren't any more holidays...and then it hit me what was next...Mothers Day...that is what my life is now....trying to prepare myself for what I am going to have to deal with next.And yes I know that goes against what I had posted earlier "don't go there, God isn't there"...I'm human remember? I'm still trying to sort it all out.And some days I am failing miserably.I find myself thinking too much about the wrong things.Like maybe I should talk to the driver of the truck?Maybe I should talk to the man that was the first responder? Maybe if I could find out what happened????Why? Knowing that is not going to change what has happened..All it is going to do is torture my mind even more.There will be no peace in knowing any more details.I think it is just a part of the grief.I think it is just me trying to jam all these pieces of some very dark puzzles together,and the truth is there really isn't a way to make them fit.But I think I am ok with just letting them touch,or overlap enough so that I can see what I am supposed to see,and hopefully not see what I don't need to see.

I WILL RISE

Rachels name means LITTLE LAMB. Everywhere I go there are little lambs for sale for Easter.I am trying to do things a little different this year.Not that they will be done the same way next year, but for now I just need a change. I am trying also to see what God shows us this time of year in nature.We have 6 beautiful puppies, and a bird has made a nest in one of my flowers ,from the funeral, right outside the little girls window.What a gift each of these things are and what a beautiful reminder of what we have through The Lamb...new life ...new beginnings.Please take a few minutes and watch the video of I Will Rise. Click on the title and it will start.
I gave a quick testimony last Sunday about my Ebeneezer, my bracelet. I was so glad that I could open my mouth and share what was in my heart.I always stumble when I have to say her name out loud. I don't know why it is easier to say "my daughter" than it is to just say "Rachel".I miss Rachel..

Let every man and woman count himself immortal. Let him catch the revelation of Jesus in his resurrection. Let him say not merely, "Christ is risen," but "I shall rise." ~Phillips Brooks

My Miss Princess

after
before

Well she didn't place in the pageant.I have a real hard time letting her do them in the first place. I don't ever want Kennedy to feel that she is not beautiful enough.Not that I want her to think she is prettier than others,I just want her to know how very special she is.She did great before,during and after the pageant.She has a great attitude.Her smile after NOT winning is as big ,if not bigger, than it was before.I think it was just harder for me this year because I have seen Kennedy have so many sad days, I just didn't want to see another one.She handled it better than I could have.I have never heard her say anything bad about any part of it.She just does them and takes what she gets..she'll get a crown ...one day.


Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Pageants and Playing

Thank you all for the words of encouragement I received from the last post.A lot of them were not written here, but were personally said to me.Sometimes I forget when I am writing this blog that OTHER people actually read it,but I am so glad that you do.
My days seem to be getting shorter and shorter.The pageant is this Saturday night.I thought we would never find a dress.Finally, I found one on the Internet, and we go to the ladies house to try it on.It is a very soft rose color.Kennedy doesn't like pink, but ,this dress looked beautiful in the photo.I told her to humor me and try it on,but not to be rude if she didn't like it. It looked so pretty on ....The lady left the room and I looked at Kennedy and she shook her head yes..I said do you like it? She said I LOVE IT!!!! I said are you sure???and then she got that look that I have seen so many times....I could barely hear her words...she said " Its so soft, and beautiful..and it reminds me of Rachel".....I just smiled and kissed her head and said " I think its perfect"...sooo now we are practicing for pageant and our praise band is playing Sunday morning, and I have in the midst of all this decided to sing for the first time in church since September...I love the song I have chosen.I was going to sing a different song ,but it just kept getting pushed back.I think this is the song I needed to sing. Another young lady at church is supposed to be singing a little harmony with me....she keeps trying to get me to do it all by myself....we'll see. The first time I heard this song I loved it...

I'd Need A Savior - Among the Thirsty

How many names
Can I use to explain
The love of my Jesus
The life that He gave
And so many times
Will I praise You today
I lift up my life
Cause You're always the same
And my offering
To you I bring

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior

How many songs
Can I sing to proclaim
Your wondrous love
Oh and beauty so great
Oh and, What would I say
If You brought down the rain
And everyday I walked through the pain
My heart would still say…

Your name is Jesus
Your name is Jesus
You're the wonderful, counselor, my friend
You're what I hold on to
I know that You brought me through
All the days of loss and to the cross, You knew
That I'd need a Savior.

Your what I hold on too,
I know that you brought me through,
All the days of loss and to the cross You knew,
That I'd need a Savior
I'd need a Savior,
I need You Savior.

IIWWMS

This week has been so hard.I think a lot of my sorrow was actually left over from last week on spring break.I held so much in because I wanted the little girls to be able to just ,well, be little girls.They smiled and laughed the whole week. I smiled too ,and held my memories and my sorrow in.Well, it all came out this week.There were also a lot of things new to face.The headstone, the six month marker...Rachs sweet friend Brittni reminded me that from now on every 17th of March ,everyone will be wearing Rachs favorite color..I knew I had been in the "fog" of grief ,but I have realized that after I am through it I always have more clarity about something that has really been on my heart,or something really good happens. I realize it is all a slow process,and I know it WILL get better.I was feeling so low on the 17th and so many friends sent me sweet messages about how I encourage them and inspire them...which made me twinge at first because I just was feeling so low.But then this morning happened.It was so foggy this morning,so grey and just funky.As I was taking the girls to school I looked over ,as I do every morning, to look for the sun .I love seeing the sun rises and the sunsets(I hope you know why).When I looked over this morning ,I really didn't expect to see much because of the fog.Oh my gosh...the sun was so bright you could hardly look at it.It was just this huge ball of light shining, and through the trees you could see the rays cutting through the fog.It was breath taking.So much so that I had to pull my car over.And thats when I realized what a I was seeing was a great reflection of my life.The fog of grief in my heart,in my head, in my whole being .And then there is the SON...shining so bright and cutting through all my grief and pain.But ...here's the thing.How many people drove passed it or through this morning and never saw it.They never even turned their heads to see the sun.Its the same way with The SON. He's there...always,just like the sun , but can you see Him or feel Him in YOUR darkness.And then there are those that even though I wasn't seeing Him, they could see Him working through me.So for today,the fog has not lifted, I can just see "the light" shining through it.My goal is to be able to use I I W W M S as my mantra..It Is Well With My Soul..read the words slowly....

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul

Finding the right words

Today I went to the monument place to tell them what to engrave on the headstone.After everything else I have already had to deal with,I don't understand why this was so hard.I was a mess before I ever even got to the place.Its just words....written in stone.The ladies there are so understanding.It took a while ,but I think I got it like I wanted it. It will be another 3 to 4 weeks before it will be in place.That will be another hurdle,but it too will be ok.It will be hard, but I know it will be ok.I wanted to share this song that I wrote a while back.It was all I could think about today when I was trying to figure it all out.
keep in mind,its a rough draft....



When your lowest isn't kneeling
when your dreams are in the ground.
when you feel your heart is breaking
but you cannot make a sound
look up and see me shining.
look up and see me fall.
I'm in every sun thats rising
I hear your whispers call

I'm here
always
I'm here.
always.

I know your days are lonely
and sleep is sweet relief.
that phony smile you're wearing
just doesn't hide your grief.
so dry your eyes my darling
and open up your heart.
and let my love come in and know
we'll never be apart.

I'm here
always
I'm here
always

One day the dark will shatter
and you will find your peace.
the joy will be endless
and no more will you grieve.
the loneliness wont matter
because you ll finally see
the love that you have carried,
has carried you to me.

Spring Break

This past week was our spring break.I knew this was going to be a long hard week.I spent every spring break with Rach up and until last year.Her job keep her from going with us,BUT as usual, we were on the phone together constantly.Usually on our spring breaks we would go to my sisters house in Houston and hang out,and shop,and go to the zoo etc.A couple of years ago we got to go to Sea World with my sister and her family. It was very hard this year to go to Houston,but that is what the girls wanted to do. It was a really good trip.This year my husband was with us. We spent a full day in Houston and then spent a day at Moody Gardens in Galveston.We came home regrouped and headed to the lake.Thats when it got hard for me.We are fortunate to have a very generous sister-n-law who ,without hesitation, gives us the keys to her lake house.We have spent many days there. I drove many times to the lake with Rachel right there with me.She wasn't able to go this past summer because of her job,again, but we spoke and texted nonstop.We have so many memories at the lake, with ALL of the kids.I am so thankful that we were given the opportunity to go as often as we did.I know Kennedy especially remembers it all. She said she needed to go to the lake to find her memories..They had a good time. I found myself thinking nonstop about Rachel just like I always do, but it was different kinds of memories.The girls wanted to talk a lot about Rach. They weren't sad,they just wanted to hear stories.I was more than glad to share with them.Kenny is always good at telling stories too. Rach was his biggest fan.She would sit with him and say " tell me about ..." she loved to hear him talk about the good ol days.I will be posting more about the trip.I just wanted to update so you wouldn't think I gave up.Some very interesting things happened this week.Right now, I need sleep.

Joy in the morning

Yesterday after having a wonderful Saturday with the little girls,I went to Rachels garden .Thats the way it is for me.It just hits me and I need to go. I go just to be sure its all ok.I go to pray.For whatever reason ,I go.Yesterday when we got there, my mom and dad were there.My mom makes sure that there are always beautiful flowers there. When I walked up I noticed she had put the new ones out,and I noticed my angel was not there.I asked them about it, and they had not moved it.It was gone.I honestly don't think it was just a random angel stealing.I think someone took Rachels angel.There are much prettier angels ,and other decorations in that cemetery.I thought I was going to throw up.It just really made me sick that someone would just take something like that. Today well ,I'm over it,. I refuse to let that take me further down into a place that I don't want to be in. I struggle daily to walk in the light.Maybe whoever took that angel just misses Rachel so much that they needed it...had to have it. Maybe they took it to put on their loved ones grave, I don't know.What I do know is they can take my stuff ,but I refuse to let them rob me of one more day , or one more minute of joy.

"But to give the things you can not keep
For what you cannot lose
Is the way to find the joy
God has for you....
Hold on my child,Joy comes in the morning,"

More than words

I got word today that the headstone that I ordered is finally in.It took longer because I had some modifications made to it.This picture is it while they were working on it.I haven't seen it ,but the lady says it is just beautiful.Now comes the hard part. I have to try to decide what to have engraved on it.How can I possibly put in that small of a space the words to let people know how very special Rachel was. I want every person whoever stands by that grave to know ..Rachel was beautiful..Rachel was beautiful enough to be Miss America,and smart enough to be president.Rachel was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.She was loving,compassionate,and giving.If Rachel had 10 cents to her name ,she would give it to someone else if they needed it because she knew, somehow, she would be okay.Rachel hated to see people hurt.She always found time to listen to others and to let them know she cared and never missed an opportunity to tell them about her Jesus.Rachel was my best friend.Rachel was a best friend to many. Rachel was a loving sister.There aren't words to describe how much we miss her..Somehow just putting her name and "dates" on there just doesn't seem like enough. I've had all these months to think about this and now that it's here, I can't even sort it out.I need it to be perfect,I'll have to see it and read it every time I'm there. Everything else has been so much easier to do.The words for the eulogy just poured out of me.I can talk for hours about her,but I just cant put in a 2 foot space how very much I love her ...Our beautiful Rachel...







s

Skidmarks

Its amazing to me how my GriefShare messages are sometimes just right on what I have been dealing with====My extreme feelings of course from day to day .I have been having more days lately where I am not quite so crippled by my sadness.I think having Kennedy home all week has helped. Todays verse was another one of those that I want to share with you. We all have thoughts in our head about the future.We all take one little thing and stretch it into a HUGE thing.Then we add on to that, and twist it ,and "what if"it until we've spent countless hours making it into something horrific because WE kept answering the "what if".We create a fear of the future out of what goes on in our mind.The Bible says that God is love. It also says that love CANNOT coexist with fear. So if Jesus lives in you, you do not need to fear.That is worth repeating...IF JESUS LIVES IN YOU,YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEAR..
"There is NO fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18).
This is one of those little messages that everyone can use,not just those dealing with grief.Why do we say our God is so powerful ,and then put limits on Him with our fear??I know first hand what a loving , mighty God we have.John 16:33 was shared with me this week.......
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

"Be of good cheer".We have to do our part too.It is so much easier for me to say that ,than it is to do that.I can talk all day about all the things God has done for me and all His promises ,and then turn around and stop living it myself.I am really trying to live the "be of good cheer" part.People always want to share that "Footprints in the sand" poem with me.I always tell them that with me its one set of footprints and some skid marks where God is dragging me saying"come one Suzette,you can do this"...one set of skid marks in the sand....maybe that will be my next song.

Did she find Him?

These past 5 months have been so full of emotions and memories. I can think back to the day the wreck happened and remember so clearly almost every minute of that day.Then I'll open a cabinet and ask myself"when did I buy this"?????I guess its just a protective mode we go in out of fear of forgetting.I remember so much about the funeral too.Even as exhausted mentally and physically as I was, I remember even the smallest detail. One thing these past couple of days has really been on my mind, and I keep obsessing over it.After I took the podium and asked the kids not leave the church unless they were sure that if the same thing happened to them ,their mother would know where they were(in Heaven), there was an altar call.After that it was time for everyone to walk up and have their last goodbye. I remember feeling the need to hug every person,or at least just look them in the eyes and let them know how much it meant to me for them to be there.I realize some of those people weren't there because of me or my side of the family,but I still wanted them to know how moved I was that they were there.As people were coming down the aisle, I noticed this young lady coming towards me that looked familiar.She and Rachel had went to school together since elementary.They weren't really close friends , but I have known who this girl is for a long time. She hugged me and could barely talk, but she looked very pleadingly in my eyes and said" I just want you to know, that I've thought about what you said ,and I don't think my momma would know where I am if something happened to me and I think its about time I do something about that." Here's the part that bothers me....I should have grabbed her right then and brought her to my preacher, or anyone ,but instead I just hugged her very tight and told her I was so glad ,and I told her to tell her mother that she loved her .Then she said" I'm gonna do things different"...I'm going to pray that God will put me or someone I know in this young ladys path. I just have really been burdened for this girl.I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I realize I get a "pass" on this one considering how hard the day was.I just want to know that THAT DAY did make a difference in her life.

Do you see what I see?

Well since Sunday my life has been a blur.Kennedy came down with a high fever ,which turned out to be the start of the flu.She is such a trooper.She does not like to be "down". She is not a complainer either.She is also one of the few who want to eat when they are sick.She reminds me so much of Rachel.Rachel would be so sick ,even with a very upset stomach, and want to eat "food",not crackers or soup, she would want a hamburger or pizza...I was in a way glad to have a distraction.My birthday was yesterday.I had spent the morning cleaning the house just in case I got sick too. The whole day I thought about Rach. Big Red,our favorite Cardinal,showed up bright and early and was singing louder than ever. It reminded me of how a few Christmas's ago our cat took it upon himself to kill a "Big Red", and leave his mangled body at the door for us to find.My husband was not at the home at the time and I was just useless.I couldn't go and clean it up,and I did not want my little girls to see it.Well guess who went and took care of it...Rach...She saved me some of the feathers.When she came back in the house I was washing the dishes ,staring out my kitchen window crying my eyes out.She stood by me and I turned to her and said"can you believe I'm crying over a stupid bird"? Her eyes were watering too,I think for me and not the bird.She said"mom its not stupid, it was Big Red"...she gave me the biggest hug.Then she placed the feathers on the counter.Which prompted me to say " I used to have a little bird ,now all I have is feathers."..(When Rach was little I had gotten her a parakeet, which our yorkie killed the first time we took it out of the cage.Rachel walked in the room and said "I used to have a little bird, now all I have is some feathers.)...Everything I did yesterday made me think about her, how she looked at people ,how she hated to see people hurting. Even last night watching American Idol, I was thinking about how she could not stand to watch the audition part of the show.It literally would break her heart to watch .She sometimes would have tears in her eyes.She said it was so sad to hear the ones singing that were really sooo bad, but they thought they were good.She would have to change the channel some time, because it would just be too much for her.She hated for them to be ridiculed.She just saw things so different.Now,obviously there are people on the show purely for entertainment, and she knew that,but in the first seasons there were many that were used for entertainment that were not funny...just sad.Watching it last night,there were some girls who were just having a bad night, and it made me want to change the channel because it made me so uncomfortable for them.All day there were things that reminded me of her.I was not sad all day though.I was able to see her and remember her in all these things, and just enjoy being in those moments .That does not mean it will be that way today.I think yesterday was a gift to me....and I glady accepted it.

Mine Ebeneezer

Our praise band was requested to play more traditional hymns during our worship service.Come Thou Fount was our first choice.Most people sing that song and never really know,or think about,what the words are.The second verse=Here I raise mine Ebeneezer= any idea what that's about? Isn't is odd how we can just sing songs and not know what we are singing? I found the story about this verse so amazing ,I wanted to share it with you...
Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12..When Israel,under Samuels leadership, finally turned their hearts and minds back to God and He restored them,Samuel put this huge stone right in the middle of town basically,so that the people could see and be reminded of what God had brought them through,and what He promised He would do for them.They could look at that stone for years to come and be reminded of Gods judgement and repentance;His mercy and restoration. I don't have a huge stone,but I consider the bracelet that I have from Rachels car= mine Ebeneezer.It reminds me of what God has brought me through,EVERY STEP OF,and also of what I am walking towards.Remember the verse that is on it? Revelations 21:4, its at the top right of this page.I put the bracelet on the drums when I play.I have it in the car when I drive,and its in the house with me. "Up to this point the Lord has helped us" I am US, too.Surely you can think of a time when God was there for you too.You probably don't have a huge stone either. Some people use a prayer journal.I use the bracelet as a reminder of Gods faithfulness,of His mercies,and of His promises. He is the author and the finisher.



Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

2. Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Don't go there

My sweet friend Theresa who is walking her own path of grief,told me about GriefShare.They send me a daily message, with a scripture.Today's was so good.I wanted to share it with ya'll because it applies not only to grief,but to any situation that causes you worry ,panic or anxiety.If you are dwelling in the uncertainties of the future or clinging to mistakes of the past....
There are days when I constantly see images that I really don't want to see.Images from the wreck site, from the funeral. Some days it is non stop,just like a slideshow..I am able to do all my daily duties, but it is always running. Some days I can remember only the beauty of it all, but on the "dark" days when I am walking in my mind through places where I shouldn't be walking,I'm going to remember what God tells us in Matthew 6:34 to live one day at a time: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." God is walking with me NOW ,Right NOW.When we go to the other places we go alone.God tell us not to worry about the future.He tells us to stay in today..God is with me today.Today I will work on stopping the bitter, sadness one thought at a time..Don't go there (God's not there). I hate to quote a cartoon but...
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery , today is a Gift,thats why it is called the present...
Each day we have is truly a gift.

My Valentine

I can't remember exactly when it started, but for as long as I can remember my husband has been the Valentine fairy. He always sets out Valentine baskets for me and for the girls.Rachel and I used to laugh at him because he always bought us things from the people that set up on the side of the road with those overpriced baskets. One year we actually drove by and saw him shopping!I can still see Rach laughing about that. She told me to call him and see what he says he's doing.That girl..Today was very sad for me.Such a huge gaping hole on my table where her basket would be.I am so thankful for a husband who loved my daughter so much. He was so very protective of her.If we went out to eat she would avoid talking to boys she knew because she knew Kenny was going to go talk to them too. He was amazed at how smart she was. He always told her how beautiful she was. He would tell her that she didn't need some punk boy telling her how beautiful she was to believe it.But she never saw it.I think thats what made her even more beautiful.

If you ever leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you'll get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Hallmark moments-NOT

I went to my local drug store this afternoon with the intention of getting my "Valentine" a card. Every card that I picked up was wrong. They all talked about "everything we've been through, or the good and the bad, or the sorrow" ...I really hadn't thought about not being able to get a card. I could have gotten a funny one ,but they really weren't that funny.I just stood there looking and the rows of cards in disbelief..really..someone needs to address this at Hallmark. I just wanted to share this in case someone else was feeling the same thing.Once again, when it hits =it hits,there is no stopping it.Of course there were 2 girls I went to school with in the store.I tried to do the avoid-dance,but 1 found me at the register with my "punchy,teary eyes". I decided to take a pass on the card and hopefully I can convince my hubby that one is not needed for me.Its gonna be a long weekend.

Walmart Bargains and Blessings

I went to Walmart this morning to get some things for our Valentine party at church tonight.Just like everyone else in this town, I am at walmart at least once a week.The lady who checked me out has done so many times...many times.I've heard her sing hymns,watched her laugh with the customers.Today was different. The man in line in front of me was from my church.He told me the lady who was my cashier,had lost her daughter too. He then looked at the lady and told her I had lost my daughter.I've wrote before about paradigm shifts-Seeing the world through a different lens.Today was one of those lens changing days. When our eyes met I could see so far down into this womans heart.Deep into the places where we carry our pain, our broken dreams, and the love for our daughters.The love that is held by chains so strong that nothing on this earth could ever take it. To look in her eyes and see that one tear, slowly begin to fall,and to know how hot that one drop of saline can feel.My heart felt like it was in my shoes. She lost her daughter 13 years ago.It was a motorcycle accident.Her daughter and my niece were in the same class, same age.I wanted so badly to just go sit somewhere and talk to her.To hear about her daughter. To tell her all the things God has done for me.I wanted,I needed to touch her. I know you don't understand that sentence.Some people get uncomfortable when you talk about "laying hands" on people. If you think about it, its what moms do instinctively when their kids get hurt.The very first thing we do is grab our kids and hug them.We touch what is hurt, as if to take the pain on ourselves.I wanted to put my hand on this woman. I wanted her to feel what I feel. I wanted her to know, "I feel it too. I know your pain." I know how very alone it can feel. Then she said my favorite words,"I'm OK".I told her it was my answer for everything too.Then we talked about how that was the only answer for when people ask "how are you"?I told her my other favorite thing to say" Jesus wept,I get to be sad too".She loved it. She asked for my number, I also gave her this blog site. The point of this very long post is that just yesterday I shared with someone that I wasn't ready to hear about other people grief. I was wrong ...again. I wasn't ready, but God was ready for me too. I don't know why I can't get that through my head. I guess I need to keep my big mouth shut , and keep my heart and my ears open. God's timing....
The party with my GA girls was great. I found these huge lollipops that said LOVE IS.I read from 1 Corinthians 13 what love is.It was very hard because its Rachels favorite verses.I made it through to the verse where it says Love never fails. For some reason that part always gets me.The girls clung to my every word...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Beautiful Green dresses

I have said many times how much it seems like EVERYTHING reminds me of Rachel.Some days it is non-stop.Its not always in a sad way ,sometimes it is in a funny way.She had the best sense of humor.She loved to laugh. She loved to make me laugh.I see KK trying to do that more and more everyday too.KK is pretty funny (for a 7 year old).Saturday I took Kennedy to go try on pageant dresses.She loves doing the B-B-Q Festival here in our town. She has placed in it several times.I thought this year she might not want to do it, but she is counting down the days.I found this gorgeous white strapless gown for her to try on.It was so pretty on her.It took up almost the whole dressing room, it was so big.Kennedy was looking at herself in the mirror and said"This is a beautiful dress, it reminds me of Rachel." I just smiled and told her how beautiful she looked in it.Later when we got in the car Kennedy said she loved the dress but it was not as pretty as Rachels green dress(the dress in the first video.It was also her burial gown ).I did the best I could to hide my tears.I want her to always talk to me about her feelings and not hold them in because she thinks it makes me sad.I also have this other light green dress that Rach wore in the homecoming parade and to the Jingle Bell Ball.Kennedy asked if when she got older she could wear Rachels light green dress in the pageant.I told her I thought that would be perfect,then she tried to pin me down on how old she had to be to wear it.I am not ready to for that at all, but I know just like everything else worrying about doing it is harder than actually doing it. This month will be 5 months. So much has happened in that short time.Sometimes it seems like so long ago and other times it seems like just days ago it all happened. KK said I needed to get some new eye cream "cuz your eyes look a little punchy"ouch..please leave me some suggestions cuz what I'm using ain't workin!

Pieces of me

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, most of it online.I have a hard time with holding an actual book in my hand and reading it. I think it is because it reminds me so much of Rachel. She read constantly.She was what I would call a speed reader.It amazed my husband how fast she could read and be able to fully comprehend and retain what she had read.When I sit with a book, I see her.Its really doesn't surprise me,everything I do or see reminds me of her.The point is, its easier for me to read online. I have thoughts that stay in my head about the wreck,about Heaven, about Rachel,about death, and its like having a 1000 piece puzzle that you are trying to do without being able to look at a picture of the puzzle. How does it all fit together????? Will I ever be able to piece it together? Does God even want me to?
As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:12: "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know full, even as I am fully known." I'm going to keep reading, and I going to keep hoping,and I going to keep remembering. Thanks for stopping by.

Drumming

Our praise band played during the worship service last month.I really enjoy playing at the drums for them.I have very limited skills ,believe me I know.My brother n law PLAYS the drums.I know the difference.I put Rachels bracelet that was found in her car,that I read at the graveside,on the cymbal stand.It has the verse from Revelation 21:4 engraved on it. She would have loved to see me play.Even when I am playing I am thinking about her,but the sadness is not always there.I think that is why I like to play.Music was always so much apart of us,and it still is.This is just a part of one of the songs we played.My 11 yr old videoed it with my camera so the sound is not that great.I love the chorus" Break my heart for what breaks yours"..... I see a generation Rising up to take their place With selfless faith With selfless faith I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek We're on our knees We're on our knees [Chorus] Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart for what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from nothing to Eternity [Chorus x2] Hosanna in the highest

Save a place for me

On my way to Rachels garden this beautiful song came on.It was timed perfectly.As soon as I got to the end of my road ,I turned up the radio and it started.I want you to listen to the song with no distracting video.I've learned since losing Rach that almost everyone has a story of their own grief.Close your eyes and listen to this song.It is for me and for every person who has ever had someone so very precious torn from their life.This was shared with me from the guy who makes the shields of strength===the bible tells us that a day in heaven is one thousand years on earth. A day is twenty four hours. If you divide both one thousand years and 24 hours by ten you find that 100 years on earth is two point four hours in heaven or a little less than two hours and thirty minutes. Since most of us won’t be here for another 100 years you can divide one hundred years and two and one half hours by two and find that 50 years on earth is one hour and fifteen minutes in heaven. With more division you can find that one year on earth is about one and one half minutes in heaven or ninety seconds. We will be there soon. click on the video ,close your eyes ......


(its only the one song ...it loaded on here wrong.)

KK Bday

On January 23 my baby, KK, turns 7.Rachel came in the room when I was in labor for just a few minutes.Her eyes so wide,trying to have a smile for me.She loved Kaitlin as soon as she saw her.She loved both the little girls.She loved them and worried about them just like a mom would.She couldn't even take a vacation without calling CONSTANTLY to check on them.We took them to the State Fair when KK was about 4 and she was a nervous wreck watching her ride the rides."Mom what if she stands up" "oh my gosh I can't watch" "MOM !"MOM!.That is just the way Rachel was. She "mothered" her brother who is almost 2 years older than she is.I found on Rachels camera a lot of pictures of KK.The 2 of them together,and a lot of just KK.She would always go in Rachs room to see what she was doing, or go aggravate her.In so many pictures Rachel is looking over Kaitlins shoulder. I hope she still is.

Sea Gulls-See God

Monday was a holiday for the kids so we made plans to go to Moody Gardens in Galveston .Me and the 2 girls,and my parents headed out for a day full of fun.I hate to admit it,but my little girls had never even rode on the ferry before.I don't enjoy the beach.I find my peace at the lake.The wind at the beach drives me crazy.Maybe if we had the white sand and the crystal blue water....I'd still want to be at the lake.So on the ferry ride over the seagulls were CRAZY.They were starving and it was a feeding frenzy.Kennedy loved every minute of it.I have never really thought of a seagull as a beautiful bird.We were late leaving Galveston,so on the ferry ride back things were much calmer.I noticed the sky was beautiful.I always am able to see the beauty in the sky,even more so now.I find myself looking up a lot more now than I ever did before.After we got back, I downloaded my photos.I am not a photographer.Never have claimed to be one, which makes the pictures I took even more special.I still do not claim to be a photographer.I consider the pictures to be a gift.They are beautiful.I only wish that my eyes would be able to see daily what can be seen in the pictures.I sent this picture to my Dad.He got it.He was able to see what I saw in them without me telling him.I hope you can see HIM.
Open my eyes that I may see, glimpses of truth Thou hast for me.” –Clara H. Scott

Psalm 19:1-4 The heavens are telling the glory of God; and the firmament proclaims his handiwork.

For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:
I edited the pictures down in size only,I did nothing to the color or effects.Double click on the images to open them larger.
That is my dad in the picture.

Four Months

I posted this video on my Facebook,but for those of you who don't have access to that I am posting it here too.
So much has happened in the past for months.I have made many new friends.I have new friends that have made commitments to pray EVERY day for me.Some of these friends I have never met face to face,but I am so thankful for each and every one of them.Thank you for staying close, even when I ask for space,I still feel you here with me.
I used to play this song for Rach when she would be having "boy" troubles.I would sing really loud and obnoxiously to try and cheer her up.It usually worked.There are no words to use to tell you how very much I miss her.

When The Petals Fall

I wrote another song.This is a very rough draft of it but after being at Rachels
garden this morning,I felt like I should share it.

I'm standing in the stillness
of the quiet resting place.
The flowers gently placed there
all too soon will fade.

But love goes on
even when the petals fall.

A rose wont last forever
and lilies quickly fade
Like all your dreams before me
and all the plans we made

But love goes on
even when the petals fall.

I still can smell the sweetness
from your very last goodbye.
Your hearts in every flower
And never will it die

So love goes on
even when the petals fall.

Fragile

Yesterday was field trip day for Kaitlin.She agreed to go IF I went too.She rode on the bus and I followed them.We went to the Lutcher Theater in Orange to see Frog and Toad, the play. It was really good. I have to admit though that my stomach was in knots following the buses there,considering how last week was.I don't like feeling that way.There is such a hyper-sensitivity to everything.I even noticed in the play there were a lot of references to death."Oh I'm gonna die" dead die= death =blah blah blah ,I thought some of it was unnecessary.I tried to see KK out of the corner of my eye.I tried to not react so that she would not.She seemed to not notice(I hope).I checked her out of school early and headed to Mickey D's.After a few errands I decided to go ahead and get Kennedy early from school to save me a trip back to town.She came down the hall wide eyed and almost pale"WHY ARE YOU GETTING ME EARLY"?.I realized the last time I had checked her out early was Sept. 17...
I explained to her how our day ended early all the while trying to find just the right tone so she knew I understood how she felt ,but without adding anymore to her fear.I told her I would try not to surprise her anymore.Why didn't I think of that?The last thing I want to do is add to her sorrow.There were no tears ,I just knew how she felt and I hated that for her.Being almost 4 months into this process,I have learned a lot but I would never be so unwise as to say I know it all.Every day is a learning process.Some days I redo the same lesson over and over.
I had pressed some rose petals that I saved from the funeral.They turned out beautiful.The colors in them are amazing, but they are so fragile.You have to be very careful with them when you handle them.That's how my little girls are.When you look at them ,they are just so beautiful. I have to remember just how very fragile they are.

So much sadness this week for me..Two sweet girls ,one 17 years old , one 20years old ,were in horrible automobile accidents. And one of Rachs very good friends lost her mother.I just could not understand all that was going on around me.Rachels friend Ashton,the 20 yr old, was involved in a hit and run.She has a broken pelvis,cracked vertebrae,lots of bruising,staples in her head,and she will lose fingers.My heart was so heavy.I needed to go see her.I wanted her to know that I was praying for her,and that she was in my thoughts.She had sent me several messages of encouragement after the funeral, and I just needed to see her.I wanted to bring her something besides flowers.Something that would let her know how very special I thought she was.I know how much she thought of Rachel. I decided to bring her the Shields of Strength that I had found in Rachs room. I know what they meant to me.I know when I read them how they affected me and I know that Ashton has a lot of hard days ahead of her.She is a very strong girl.I did not expect to see what I saw when I went to the hospital.She looked really good ,for what she had been through and she has a very positive outlook on what is ahead for her.She knew what the shields were because she reads my blog (Hi Ashton!).I pulled them out of my pocket to hand them to her.I told her she could just set them on the table and she said "put them on".I put them on for her.They are EXACTLY where they need to be.Please pray for Ashton,for healing, and for strength=just like the shields say:

2Tim. 1:7 For God has not given me the spirit of fear,but the power of love and of a sound mind.

Joshua 1:9 I will be strong and courageous.I will not be terrified or discouraged;for the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.

Ashton sent me this photo of her and Rach hoping it would make me laugh,it did.
Please everyone buckle up and drive safe.

After venting in the blog yesterday(I hope you're still here with me),I opened my email to find this gem.It is day 44 of daily emails I get from GriefShare. Note it says in the title BE EXPRESSIVE.It made me laugh out loud.This happens all the time to me.I guess I'm doing better than I realized.I hope you can find the humor in this.I have to. On a serious note,if anyone else is struggling with grief I really have enjoyed the messages I get from GriefShare.You just have to go to the website and sign up for them.
(This was copied and pasted,I did not add anything to it)
The Second Principle of the Journey: Be Expressive
Day 44

Express your tears and your pain. In order to move on, you cannot push down and pocket your emotions; they must be fully communicated for you to heal.

"Everyone cries," says Dr. H. Norman Wright. "Everyone sheds tears. Some people do it on the outside, but some are only capable of doing it on the inside. From a health perspective, the shedding of tears is very beneficial to physical well-being.

"The people who are unable or haven't developed the capacity to cry are carrying a heavier load of emotion that can actually contribute to some physical difficulties. I don't think you should ever apologize for your tears because you never apologize for something that is a gift from God."

Pull out your emotions. Face the pain head-on. Mourn loudly. Weep bitterly. Be set free.

When Peter realized he had disowned Jesus three times, he "went outside and wept bitterly" (Luke 22:62). When Stephen, the first Christian martyr, died, devout men "made loud lamentation over him" (Acts 8:2 NASB).

Holy God, I'm so adept at pushing down my emotions that I don't know how to pull them up, but I know that I must. Give me the opportunity and the courage to let my emotions pour out freely. Amen.

All Aboard

On Sunday mornings I have the privilege of giving the children's sermon.I usually go pretty close to the start of the service,that way all the little ones don't get restless.Sunday morning they showed a video before I went.It was on,of all things, the new Grief Share class that someone very special at our church is starting.When I say the video was hard to watch, I mean it was H A R D to watch.So I didn't.I couldn't watch it or listen to it.Not if they wanted me to give a children's sermon.I put my head down and put my fingers in my ears like a two year old so I couldn't hear any more of it.I'm sure all the people behind or around me think I need supervision.No, what I need is for people to understand.I love giving the children's sermon.It helps me to have some sort of normalcy in a life that every part of has been ripped to shreds.Its hard enough when everyone wants to "greet' me before church,and by greet I mean ask me how I am.Don't get me wrong, I love the hugs.I love people loving me,its just hard to go and give a lighthearted children's sermon when you're constantly reminded of why you're brokenhearted.Please don't read anything else into this post.It is only meant to be a glimpse into what is my life, now.Like I said,I LOVE my church family and I love all the hugs,prayers ,and encouragement I get from them, but this blog is the real deal, no sugar coating here.I am just trying to work through my sorrow , and I hope it helps someone else to feel "normal".(I put that in quotes because there is no normal in grief.)


Do not judge,and you will not be judged.Luke 6:37
(just incase you were leaning that way)
thanks for riding the crazy train with me.

The New Year

When I graduated in 1984,my church presented me with a book title"Your Next Big Step".The last chapter of the book was this prayer for the new year.I can't tell you how many times I have read it.Its one of those things that stay in my mind and hidden my heart.I am so thankful that I grew up in a home where I heard my father prayer,and watched my mother sing hymns ,and be amazed that she rarely used a hymnal.My faith is what has carried me through these last months of this year.

MY PRAYER FOR THE NEW YEAR

Another year has slipped beyond my grasp.For every wasted
moment,hour,and day, I pray for forgiveness. I cannot live them over
again.They are gone.But as I face this new year Father,I ask that
power be given to use each present moment just for thee-to live,not
waiting for some dazzling hour to serve while other watch,but ever
faithful to those moments known to thee alone ,dear Lord,and me.
Make me humble,Lord.This stubborn will of mine persist.Teach me to
live"thy will be done",in both the unseen and the known.Make me
big in little things.Make me like the Man of Galilee I pray.
Faith in thee,far greater than I now posses,is my desire.Make my
faith strong,that in humility I might live like thee and that through
me,you can quiet the storms ,remove the mountains and change the
hateful souls of mankind.
The pure light of thy love is what this dark world needs.Well do I
know thou hast revealed thy love at an awful cost.One look at
Calvary is enough for me.Nor have I done my best to shed that light
abroad.Help me to love in such a sacrificial ,selfless way,that even
though no one else would live your love,its purifying power could be
made known through me.And what I ask for me,I plead for every
child, that they all might come to know your love and live
victoriously.
In Jesus precious name I pray,
AMEN

The Real Me

My sister and her twin boys came and stayed a couple of days with us.The weather was bad but the visit was good.Our kids play together so well,and for a long time.Lots of tolerance for the age differences.She took this picture of me while we were in a restaurant waiting for our food.When I saw it,I realized that she had captured how I really feel.When I say Rachel is in my every thought,it is not a gross exaggeration.I can be talking with someone and in my mind I am relating this person ,or something about this person ,to Rach.I remember exactly what I was thinking when my sister was taking this picture:Rachel would be freaking out about that new camera.She would be wanting to sell everything she had to try to get one.Man Rach would have loved that camera......its all day.Its exhausting.Some times there is a small window of peace,where my mind is quiet.Then the guilt comes because me heart tells my brain ,you forgot about her.It is so hard to try to find the right way to feel in what is now my new reality.A lot of well meaning people have an opinion on grief. How you should feel,how long you will feel it, and what you should do about feeling it.I'm glad I have this place to go to while they are talking.Grief is as different for every person as labor is for every woman.What helps one will not help the other.You have to trust God, yourself and trust your body .Trust that it is doing what it naturally is supposed to do to help you get through it.I am very aware of my pain,and the ability and inability to mask it.Like I've always said.There is no right or wrong way for me to feel right now.Its just important that I feel.The holidays have been draining and it shows on every part of my face.But make no mistake,my faith is not shaken.The words to this Natalie Grant song say it better than I can.....

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

OK

Well Christmas has come and gone.I was given many "gifts" this Christmas,but not all of them were wrapped, or in a gift bag.I am so glad that God allowed me to have some joy this season.But all too quickly I am reminded of the pain that we all are trying to live with.Tonight when we were helping KK get ready to go to sleep(she likes for both Kenny and I to lay down with her),she said her throat hurt.I asked her if she needed a drink and she she shook her head no and began to cry.She looked at me with such fear in her eyes and said "I don't wanna die".She stared at me waiting for me to say the words that in my heart I knew I could not say.Words filled my head.Do I lie and tell her "your not gonna die".Is that always in her thoughts?Theres not a chapter on this in any of the books I've been given.I looked at her ,I looked at the pain on my husbands face.I did what every mothers first instinct is, I hugged her.I hugged her hoping to transfer her pain into my body.I hugged her hoping to reassure her of something that we have absolutely no control over.All I could say was "its ok","its gonna be ok",because thats my standard answer now for every question,I am ok.Christmas was ok.The girls are ok.Ok seems to be as good as it gets for now.I have decided that ok is ok for now.My pain and my sorrow is manageable.Being ok with not being sad can be as hard as being sad is.Rachel is still in my EVERY thought.Some days things just continually run through my head like a slide show.The days when its all about the wreck or the funeral are the worst.I see her laying in the casket.The whole day plays out in my head over and over. "I don't wanna die" ,not the last words you want to have your child say before she falls asleep.I pray tomorrow brings me wisdom to talk about what I could not say tonight.Maybe her little mind just needed to hear "its ok".

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.psalm 121

Her first real CHRISTmas

Rachel was born on November 1,1989.This is a photo from Rachels first Christmas.My mother had fixed Rach her very own tree.Now she is having her first Christmas with Jesus.Like the song says

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me .
I can only imagine....

One of my sweet boys from my church read this prayer for us during our childens program at church.It is my prayer for myself and for each of you:

Loving Father,help us remember the birth of Jesus,
that we may share in the song of the angels,
the gladness of the shepherds,
and the worship of the wisemen.
Close the door of hate and open the door of love all over the world.
Let kindness come with every gift
and good desires with every greeting.
Deliver us from evil by the blessing which Christ brings,
and teach us to be merry with clear hearts.
May the Christmas morning make us happy to be your children
and Christmas evening bring us to our beds with grateful thoughts,
forgiving and forgiven,for Jesus sake.Amen.

Hearts

On the day of visitation for Rachel,my sister and I went to her least favorite store,Walmart,to grab just a few quick things that we needed for the night.We ended up at the jewelry counter trying to find whatever "heart" shaped items we could find.Neither of us had any , and we felt the need put a lot on, quickly.On the day of the wreck ,I had remembered the heart shaped ring Rachel had bought me while she was on a cruise with her aunt to Mexico.(Its the open heart with a flower of diamonds.)There are 7 diamonds in the flower.7 had also begun to have a lot of meaning to me.I was so glad to have my heart ring.My sister bought herself the heart ring that says LOVE.The day of the funeral, Rachels friend Cody brought the same ring for Rachel.He said he promised he would always remember her.I helped him put it in her hand.I decided for Christmas I would get my mom and myself the same ring.At the funeral my sister read the poem,my mom shared all of the "Rachel=isms"that could be shared in public(rach had an opinion on all things),and I ended with a plea for everyone to search their hearts.We carried her heart through that long,hard weekend,and we will carry it for the rest of our lives.
I wear mine on my right hand and it reminds me of this verse- “I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10.

Christmas poem

Back in September when I went to the tax office to get my car tags that were NOT expired,(my first "episode")sweet Ms.Alice gave me this poem and told me to not read it yet,to put it back for Christmas.
What a sweet lady..

I see the countless CHRISTMAS trees around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS with JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away.We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me,dear ones.You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all "love"is the gift more precious than pure gold.
It always was important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings or love He has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

:(

This week I was visiting with a friend and we were talking about how we felt a connection with each other even though we only saw each other for a few minutes a week at church.Its a different kind of love than what you have for your family.You're supposed to love your family.This kind of love can only come from abiding in Jesus,and Him abiding in us.That is the tie that binds us.It is so special to see those friends look at your kids and see what you see in them.I am blessed to have that feeling with quite a few members of our church.Some of them encouraged me when I was growing up,and now they are there for my kids.Its amazing how these people can impact your life in such a small amount of time.
I lost one of those very dear people on Saturday night.This lady was the piano player at the little church in Gist.She played like you would dream of playing,so amazing.She was happy playing at that little church for just a handful of members for many years.She always was so encouraging to me,and to Rachel.She saw in Rach what I did.My heart goes out to her family.My heart has been very heavy today.At my church we have been practicing for our Christmas program "The Bells of Christmas".The kids are playing the hand bells and saying a few poems.I realized today I hadn't asked anyone to work the sound for me for the program.I usually didn't have to. Rachel always made my cd's, and helped me with my music.Having to say out loud that my helper was not here, was so painful.I couldn't even do my children's sermon this morning.I couldn't even stay in "big church". I had to leave.I am sad.I was sad all day.I am sad for my friends family.I am missing my daughter.My oldest son came by this evening.He was wearing a cap with long braided threads hanging down the sides like ponytails.He looked so much like Rach, I could hardly bare to look at him.He asked me what was the matter , and I told him.I told him how much he looked like her.I told him how much I missed her.I asked him if he ever dreamed about her, or if he ever heard her talk to him, just wanting to know that he still felt close to her.He said "not yet" , and then he put his head down and took a big breath and looked at me and said,"but sometimes when I'm driving my truck I can see her sitting in the seat with me."I was so glad he shared that with me.The two of them were so close when they were growing up(Talk about a connection.)I know he has the same emptiness that I have in my heart.
According to Griefshare going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out.



"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2)

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

Ineffable moments

When Rach was a senior she had to do an interview at school for a competition.I found a paper where she had wrote out a few things about herself.
"I enjoy reading and capturing ineffable moments of my family and close friends with photography".
Ineffable -incapable of being described in words.
She saw through her camera lens a totally different view of the same things others saw.She chose to use that lens to create beauty in everything she saw ,for herself.
I'm realizing more and more every day that I have that same choice to make.I have to choose the lens with which I view my daily life.The situation hasn't changed,I just need to change the way,change the lens, through which I look at it.I'm so thankful for her gift.She left me hundreds of photos of herself,and our family.On her phone, and in the computer are so many beautiful photos.She had taken some photos of downtown Beaumont last Christmas.I framed them and put them out this year.They are beautiful.If you would like to print them out for yourself, feel free.A gift to you ,from Rach.

The Singing of The Birds

One of mine and the girls favorite things to do is watch the birds come and feed.Since KK was very little,about 3,she and Kennedy could tell which birds were outside eating just by listening to them sing.The birds had not been here since Sept. 17.They've only been back for a couple of days.Mainly Big Red and Lady Red.Yes that is their name.They all have a name.I screamed like a little girl when I heard that tweet.I love my birds and every scripture that they represent to me.They also remind me of a poem that I had read several years ago that Robert Schuller had written to his soon to be wife.

When the night is past
And the dawning of the new day
is about to break
With fresh hopes and dreams,
Then you will hear the singing of the birds.

When storm clouds break
To drift away
Leaving bright patches of blue
With golden shafts of sunlight
On flower and leaf,
Sparkling with fresh drops of diamond rain,
Then you will hear the singing of the birds.

Yes,there are those times and places
when the cold winter ends.
Springtime returns.
The dark night of the soul
Is dissolved into a happy daybreak.
The storm is over.
Then you will hear the singing of the birds.


For me the storm is not over, but for today I heard the birds sing.

The Rachel Clark Scholarship

When my husband and I first got married we lived out in a little town called Gist.All of his family lives out there.There's a little white wooden church right off the high way.Its been there a long time its called New Cherry Grove Baptist Church.My husband grew up in that church.We went many Sundays.Rachel and I sang there too.When we moved back to Vidor, we went back to the church I grew up in because there were more youth there.Our hearts are with them in Gist every Sunday.Its a small church, but it is so full of love for the Lord.Immediately after Rachels funeral,New Cherry Grove announced plans to start a scholarship in Rachels name.I was so touched.We decided we didn't want it to just be an academic scholarship,we want it to go to the person with the biggest need.The one that has the desire and the dream, but just needs a little help.Don't we all need a little help?If you would like more information about the scholarship or would like to make a donation feel free to email me or you can send it directly to the church.I am struggling for words to explain to you what this means to me.Thank you all for coming and reading my blog.Thank you for lifting me up in your prayers.I pray that this scholarship will be used as a beautiful testimony for a beautiful life.

New Cherry Grove Baptist Church
114 County Rd 826
Buna,Texas 77612

DONE VIDA

I received this beautiful medallion in the mail today from the donor services organization.We had made the decision to donate Rachels heart valves, and pericardium.They had called us within hours of the wreck.My husband and I decided that we could do this because it is a life saving donation.Rachel was the most loving and giving person.Even as a child.I remember on her 4th birthday I had gotten her a bouquet of balloons.Her brother Robin, who is older, came in the room and was admiring them She looked at him and said "here Rob, you can have one".If she had money she spent it on others.ALWAYS.The medal is supposed to be for the headstone.I think it is beautiful,a beautiful reminder of a beautiful life.If you see me in walmart wearing it as a necklace looking like Flava Flav,just smile and say "its beautiful".If you've never thought about being a donor,think about it.I have requested that the recipients contact me.I look forward to that day.
Done Vida=Donate Life

Shields of strength pt 2

I hope you all read the post from Nov.23 " Shields of strength",if not stop here and go read it.Tuesday morning before I got out of bed I prayed.I prayed that God would help me with my faith.Why would he leave me now.What does he want me to do?.I had been having days where it was so hard to hear.Well on my facebook I had a message from the brother of the man who started the Shields of Strength company!!!He had done a google search on their tags and my blog came up. He took the time to read it and shared it with his brother.I gotta tell you these Vaughan brothers are the real deal.They were very touched by what they had read. I wish I had made more post because soo much of what has happened to us since the wreck is not on here.Anyway, I was so touched that they would read my little blog and then take the time to reach out to me .If you are not familiar with their company go to their website and just read Kenny Vaughans' story.If you have a young boy, MAKE them read it too.I have corresponded with both brothers and I have to say their words have spoke volumes to me.All this I'm sure is making Rachel smile.I can hear her freakin out about it so clearly, which makes this all the more special to me.This is all I have wanted since I sat and started this blog.I want everyone to know about my Rachel ,and about our Jesus.I have included the link to the website.Click on the title of this blog and then click on "our story" and read the testimonials too.I feel like Christmas has come early.
Oh and my post that morning on facebook I had wrote"word of God speak."it did.