Do you see what I see?

Well since Sunday my life has been a blur.Kennedy came down with a high fever ,which turned out to be the start of the flu.She is such a trooper.She does not like to be "down". She is not a complainer either.She is also one of the few who want to eat when they are sick.She reminds me so much of Rachel.Rachel would be so sick ,even with a very upset stomach, and want to eat "food",not crackers or soup, she would want a hamburger or pizza...I was in a way glad to have a distraction.My birthday was yesterday.I had spent the morning cleaning the house just in case I got sick too. The whole day I thought about Rach. Big Red,our favorite Cardinal,showed up bright and early and was singing louder than ever. It reminded me of how a few Christmas's ago our cat took it upon himself to kill a "Big Red", and leave his mangled body at the door for us to find.My husband was not at the home at the time and I was just useless.I couldn't go and clean it up,and I did not want my little girls to see it.Well guess who went and took care of it...Rach...She saved me some of the feathers.When she came back in the house I was washing the dishes ,staring out my kitchen window crying my eyes out.She stood by me and I turned to her and said"can you believe I'm crying over a stupid bird"? Her eyes were watering too,I think for me and not the bird.She said"mom its not stupid, it was Big Red"...she gave me the biggest hug.Then she placed the feathers on the counter.Which prompted me to say " I used to have a little bird ,now all I have is feathers."..(When Rach was little I had gotten her a parakeet, which our yorkie killed the first time we took it out of the cage.Rachel walked in the room and said "I used to have a little bird, now all I have is some feathers.)...Everything I did yesterday made me think about her, how she looked at people ,how she hated to see people hurting. Even last night watching American Idol, I was thinking about how she could not stand to watch the audition part of the show.It literally would break her heart to watch .She sometimes would have tears in her eyes.She said it was so sad to hear the ones singing that were really sooo bad, but they thought they were good.She would have to change the channel some time, because it would just be too much for her.She hated for them to be ridiculed.She just saw things so different.Now,obviously there are people on the show purely for entertainment, and she knew that,but in the first seasons there were many that were used for entertainment that were not funny...just sad.Watching it last night,there were some girls who were just having a bad night, and it made me want to change the channel because it made me so uncomfortable for them.All day there were things that reminded me of her.I was not sad all day though.I was able to see her and remember her in all these things, and just enjoy being in those moments .That does not mean it will be that way today.I think yesterday was a gift to me....and I glady accepted it.

Mine Ebeneezer

Our praise band was requested to play more traditional hymns during our worship service.Come Thou Fount was our first choice.Most people sing that song and never really know,or think about,what the words are.The second verse=Here I raise mine Ebeneezer= any idea what that's about? Isn't is odd how we can just sing songs and not know what we are singing? I found the story about this verse so amazing ,I wanted to share it with you...
Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12..When Israel,under Samuels leadership, finally turned their hearts and minds back to God and He restored them,Samuel put this huge stone right in the middle of town basically,so that the people could see and be reminded of what God had brought them through,and what He promised He would do for them.They could look at that stone for years to come and be reminded of Gods judgement and repentance;His mercy and restoration. I don't have a huge stone,but I consider the bracelet that I have from Rachels car= mine Ebeneezer.It reminds me of what God has brought me through,EVERY STEP OF,and also of what I am walking towards.Remember the verse that is on it? Revelations 21:4, its at the top right of this page.I put the bracelet on the drums when I play.I have it in the car when I drive,and its in the house with me. "Up to this point the Lord has helped us" I am US, too.Surely you can think of a time when God was there for you too.You probably don't have a huge stone either. Some people use a prayer journal.I use the bracelet as a reminder of Gods faithfulness,of His mercies,and of His promises. He is the author and the finisher.



Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

2. Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Don't go there

My sweet friend Theresa who is walking her own path of grief,told me about GriefShare.They send me a daily message, with a scripture.Today's was so good.I wanted to share it with ya'll because it applies not only to grief,but to any situation that causes you worry ,panic or anxiety.If you are dwelling in the uncertainties of the future or clinging to mistakes of the past....
There are days when I constantly see images that I really don't want to see.Images from the wreck site, from the funeral. Some days it is non stop,just like a slideshow..I am able to do all my daily duties, but it is always running. Some days I can remember only the beauty of it all, but on the "dark" days when I am walking in my mind through places where I shouldn't be walking,I'm going to remember what God tells us in Matthew 6:34 to live one day at a time: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." God is walking with me NOW ,Right NOW.When we go to the other places we go alone.God tell us not to worry about the future.He tells us to stay in today..God is with me today.Today I will work on stopping the bitter, sadness one thought at a time..Don't go there (God's not there). I hate to quote a cartoon but...
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery , today is a Gift,thats why it is called the present...
Each day we have is truly a gift.

My Valentine

I can't remember exactly when it started, but for as long as I can remember my husband has been the Valentine fairy. He always sets out Valentine baskets for me and for the girls.Rachel and I used to laugh at him because he always bought us things from the people that set up on the side of the road with those overpriced baskets. One year we actually drove by and saw him shopping!I can still see Rach laughing about that. She told me to call him and see what he says he's doing.That girl..Today was very sad for me.Such a huge gaping hole on my table where her basket would be.I am so thankful for a husband who loved my daughter so much. He was so very protective of her.If we went out to eat she would avoid talking to boys she knew because she knew Kenny was going to go talk to them too. He was amazed at how smart she was. He always told her how beautiful she was. He would tell her that she didn't need some punk boy telling her how beautiful she was to believe it.But she never saw it.I think thats what made her even more beautiful.

If you ever leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
It's just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you'll get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

Hallmark moments-NOT

I went to my local drug store this afternoon with the intention of getting my "Valentine" a card. Every card that I picked up was wrong. They all talked about "everything we've been through, or the good and the bad, or the sorrow" ...I really hadn't thought about not being able to get a card. I could have gotten a funny one ,but they really weren't that funny.I just stood there looking and the rows of cards in disbelief..really..someone needs to address this at Hallmark. I just wanted to share this in case someone else was feeling the same thing.Once again, when it hits =it hits,there is no stopping it.Of course there were 2 girls I went to school with in the store.I tried to do the avoid-dance,but 1 found me at the register with my "punchy,teary eyes". I decided to take a pass on the card and hopefully I can convince my hubby that one is not needed for me.Its gonna be a long weekend.

Walmart Bargains and Blessings

I went to Walmart this morning to get some things for our Valentine party at church tonight.Just like everyone else in this town, I am at walmart at least once a week.The lady who checked me out has done so many times...many times.I've heard her sing hymns,watched her laugh with the customers.Today was different. The man in line in front of me was from my church.He told me the lady who was my cashier,had lost her daughter too. He then looked at the lady and told her I had lost my daughter.I've wrote before about paradigm shifts-Seeing the world through a different lens.Today was one of those lens changing days. When our eyes met I could see so far down into this womans heart.Deep into the places where we carry our pain, our broken dreams, and the love for our daughters.The love that is held by chains so strong that nothing on this earth could ever take it. To look in her eyes and see that one tear, slowly begin to fall,and to know how hot that one drop of saline can feel.My heart felt like it was in my shoes. She lost her daughter 13 years ago.It was a motorcycle accident.Her daughter and my niece were in the same class, same age.I wanted so badly to just go sit somewhere and talk to her.To hear about her daughter. To tell her all the things God has done for me.I wanted,I needed to touch her. I know you don't understand that sentence.Some people get uncomfortable when you talk about "laying hands" on people. If you think about it, its what moms do instinctively when their kids get hurt.The very first thing we do is grab our kids and hug them.We touch what is hurt, as if to take the pain on ourselves.I wanted to put my hand on this woman. I wanted her to feel what I feel. I wanted her to know, "I feel it too. I know your pain." I know how very alone it can feel. Then she said my favorite words,"I'm OK".I told her it was my answer for everything too.Then we talked about how that was the only answer for when people ask "how are you"?I told her my other favorite thing to say" Jesus wept,I get to be sad too".She loved it. She asked for my number, I also gave her this blog site. The point of this very long post is that just yesterday I shared with someone that I wasn't ready to hear about other people grief. I was wrong ...again. I wasn't ready, but God was ready for me too. I don't know why I can't get that through my head. I guess I need to keep my big mouth shut , and keep my heart and my ears open. God's timing....
The party with my GA girls was great. I found these huge lollipops that said LOVE IS.I read from 1 Corinthians 13 what love is.It was very hard because its Rachels favorite verses.I made it through to the verse where it says Love never fails. For some reason that part always gets me.The girls clung to my every word...

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Beautiful Green dresses

I have said many times how much it seems like EVERYTHING reminds me of Rachel.Some days it is non-stop.Its not always in a sad way ,sometimes it is in a funny way.She had the best sense of humor.She loved to laugh. She loved to make me laugh.I see KK trying to do that more and more everyday too.KK is pretty funny (for a 7 year old).Saturday I took Kennedy to go try on pageant dresses.She loves doing the B-B-Q Festival here in our town. She has placed in it several times.I thought this year she might not want to do it, but she is counting down the days.I found this gorgeous white strapless gown for her to try on.It was so pretty on her.It took up almost the whole dressing room, it was so big.Kennedy was looking at herself in the mirror and said"This is a beautiful dress, it reminds me of Rachel." I just smiled and told her how beautiful she looked in it.Later when we got in the car Kennedy said she loved the dress but it was not as pretty as Rachels green dress(the dress in the first video.It was also her burial gown ).I did the best I could to hide my tears.I want her to always talk to me about her feelings and not hold them in because she thinks it makes me sad.I also have this other light green dress that Rach wore in the homecoming parade and to the Jingle Bell Ball.Kennedy asked if when she got older she could wear Rachels light green dress in the pageant.I told her I thought that would be perfect,then she tried to pin me down on how old she had to be to wear it.I am not ready to for that at all, but I know just like everything else worrying about doing it is harder than actually doing it. This month will be 5 months. So much has happened in that short time.Sometimes it seems like so long ago and other times it seems like just days ago it all happened. KK said I needed to get some new eye cream "cuz your eyes look a little punchy"ouch..please leave me some suggestions cuz what I'm using ain't workin!

Pieces of me

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, most of it online.I have a hard time with holding an actual book in my hand and reading it. I think it is because it reminds me so much of Rachel. She read constantly.She was what I would call a speed reader.It amazed my husband how fast she could read and be able to fully comprehend and retain what she had read.When I sit with a book, I see her.Its really doesn't surprise me,everything I do or see reminds me of her.The point is, its easier for me to read online. I have thoughts that stay in my head about the wreck,about Heaven, about Rachel,about death, and its like having a 1000 piece puzzle that you are trying to do without being able to look at a picture of the puzzle. How does it all fit together????? Will I ever be able to piece it together? Does God even want me to?
As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:12: "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know full, even as I am fully known." I'm going to keep reading, and I going to keep hoping,and I going to keep remembering. Thanks for stopping by.

Drumming

Our praise band played during the worship service last month.I really enjoy playing at the drums for them.I have very limited skills ,believe me I know.My brother n law PLAYS the drums.I know the difference.I put Rachels bracelet that was found in her car,that I read at the graveside,on the cymbal stand.It has the verse from Revelation 21:4 engraved on it. She would have loved to see me play.Even when I am playing I am thinking about her,but the sadness is not always there.I think that is why I like to play.Music was always so much apart of us,and it still is.This is just a part of one of the songs we played.My 11 yr old videoed it with my camera so the sound is not that great.I love the chorus" Break my heart for what breaks yours"..... I see a generation Rising up to take their place With selfless faith With selfless faith I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek We're on our knees We're on our knees [Chorus] Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart for what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from nothing to Eternity [Chorus x2] Hosanna in the highest

Save a place for me

On my way to Rachels garden this beautiful song came on.It was timed perfectly.As soon as I got to the end of my road ,I turned up the radio and it started.I want you to listen to the song with no distracting video.I've learned since losing Rach that almost everyone has a story of their own grief.Close your eyes and listen to this song.It is for me and for every person who has ever had someone so very precious torn from their life.This was shared with me from the guy who makes the shields of strength===the bible tells us that a day in heaven is one thousand years on earth. A day is twenty four hours. If you divide both one thousand years and 24 hours by ten you find that 100 years on earth is two point four hours in heaven or a little less than two hours and thirty minutes. Since most of us won’t be here for another 100 years you can divide one hundred years and two and one half hours by two and find that 50 years on earth is one hour and fifteen minutes in heaven. With more division you can find that one year on earth is about one and one half minutes in heaven or ninety seconds. We will be there soon. click on the video ,close your eyes ......


(its only the one song ...it loaded on here wrong.)

KK Bday

On January 23 my baby, KK, turns 7.Rachel came in the room when I was in labor for just a few minutes.Her eyes so wide,trying to have a smile for me.She loved Kaitlin as soon as she saw her.She loved both the little girls.She loved them and worried about them just like a mom would.She couldn't even take a vacation without calling CONSTANTLY to check on them.We took them to the State Fair when KK was about 4 and she was a nervous wreck watching her ride the rides."Mom what if she stands up" "oh my gosh I can't watch" "MOM !"MOM!.That is just the way Rachel was. She "mothered" her brother who is almost 2 years older than she is.I found on Rachels camera a lot of pictures of KK.The 2 of them together,and a lot of just KK.She would always go in Rachs room to see what she was doing, or go aggravate her.In so many pictures Rachel is looking over Kaitlins shoulder. I hope she still is.

Sea Gulls-See God

Monday was a holiday for the kids so we made plans to go to Moody Gardens in Galveston .Me and the 2 girls,and my parents headed out for a day full of fun.I hate to admit it,but my little girls had never even rode on the ferry before.I don't enjoy the beach.I find my peace at the lake.The wind at the beach drives me crazy.Maybe if we had the white sand and the crystal blue water....I'd still want to be at the lake.So on the ferry ride over the seagulls were CRAZY.They were starving and it was a feeding frenzy.Kennedy loved every minute of it.I have never really thought of a seagull as a beautiful bird.We were late leaving Galveston,so on the ferry ride back things were much calmer.I noticed the sky was beautiful.I always am able to see the beauty in the sky,even more so now.I find myself looking up a lot more now than I ever did before.After we got back, I downloaded my photos.I am not a photographer.Never have claimed to be one, which makes the pictures I took even more special.I still do not claim to be a photographer.I consider the pictures to be a gift.They are beautiful.I only wish that my eyes would be able to see daily what can be seen in the pictures.I sent this picture to my Dad.He got it.He was able to see what I saw in them without me telling him.I hope you can see HIM.
Open my eyes that I may see, glimpses of truth Thou hast for me.” –Clara H. Scott

Psalm 19:1-4 The heavens are telling the glory of God; and the firmament proclaims his handiwork.

For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:
I edited the pictures down in size only,I did nothing to the color or effects.Double click on the images to open them larger.
That is my dad in the picture.

Four Months

I posted this video on my Facebook,but for those of you who don't have access to that I am posting it here too.
So much has happened in the past for months.I have made many new friends.I have new friends that have made commitments to pray EVERY day for me.Some of these friends I have never met face to face,but I am so thankful for each and every one of them.Thank you for staying close, even when I ask for space,I still feel you here with me.
I used to play this song for Rach when she would be having "boy" troubles.I would sing really loud and obnoxiously to try and cheer her up.It usually worked.There are no words to use to tell you how very much I miss her.

When The Petals Fall

I wrote another song.This is a very rough draft of it but after being at Rachels
garden this morning,I felt like I should share it.

I'm standing in the stillness
of the quiet resting place.
The flowers gently placed there
all too soon will fade.

But love goes on
even when the petals fall.

A rose wont last forever
and lilies quickly fade
Like all your dreams before me
and all the plans we made

But love goes on
even when the petals fall.

I still can smell the sweetness
from your very last goodbye.
Your hearts in every flower
And never will it die

So love goes on
even when the petals fall.

Fragile

Yesterday was field trip day for Kaitlin.She agreed to go IF I went too.She rode on the bus and I followed them.We went to the Lutcher Theater in Orange to see Frog and Toad, the play. It was really good. I have to admit though that my stomach was in knots following the buses there,considering how last week was.I don't like feeling that way.There is such a hyper-sensitivity to everything.I even noticed in the play there were a lot of references to death."Oh I'm gonna die" dead die= death =blah blah blah ,I thought some of it was unnecessary.I tried to see KK out of the corner of my eye.I tried to not react so that she would not.She seemed to not notice(I hope).I checked her out of school early and headed to Mickey D's.After a few errands I decided to go ahead and get Kennedy early from school to save me a trip back to town.She came down the hall wide eyed and almost pale"WHY ARE YOU GETTING ME EARLY"?.I realized the last time I had checked her out early was Sept. 17...
I explained to her how our day ended early all the while trying to find just the right tone so she knew I understood how she felt ,but without adding anymore to her fear.I told her I would try not to surprise her anymore.Why didn't I think of that?The last thing I want to do is add to her sorrow.There were no tears ,I just knew how she felt and I hated that for her.Being almost 4 months into this process,I have learned a lot but I would never be so unwise as to say I know it all.Every day is a learning process.Some days I redo the same lesson over and over.
I had pressed some rose petals that I saved from the funeral.They turned out beautiful.The colors in them are amazing, but they are so fragile.You have to be very careful with them when you handle them.That's how my little girls are.When you look at them ,they are just so beautiful. I have to remember just how very fragile they are.

So much sadness this week for me..Two sweet girls ,one 17 years old , one 20years old ,were in horrible automobile accidents. And one of Rachs very good friends lost her mother.I just could not understand all that was going on around me.Rachels friend Ashton,the 20 yr old, was involved in a hit and run.She has a broken pelvis,cracked vertebrae,lots of bruising,staples in her head,and she will lose fingers.My heart was so heavy.I needed to go see her.I wanted her to know that I was praying for her,and that she was in my thoughts.She had sent me several messages of encouragement after the funeral, and I just needed to see her.I wanted to bring her something besides flowers.Something that would let her know how very special I thought she was.I know how much she thought of Rachel. I decided to bring her the Shields of Strength that I had found in Rachs room. I know what they meant to me.I know when I read them how they affected me and I know that Ashton has a lot of hard days ahead of her.She is a very strong girl.I did not expect to see what I saw when I went to the hospital.She looked really good ,for what she had been through and she has a very positive outlook on what is ahead for her.She knew what the shields were because she reads my blog (Hi Ashton!).I pulled them out of my pocket to hand them to her.I told her she could just set them on the table and she said "put them on".I put them on for her.They are EXACTLY where they need to be.Please pray for Ashton,for healing, and for strength=just like the shields say:

2Tim. 1:7 For God has not given me the spirit of fear,but the power of love and of a sound mind.

Joshua 1:9 I will be strong and courageous.I will not be terrified or discouraged;for the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.

Ashton sent me this photo of her and Rach hoping it would make me laugh,it did.
Please everyone buckle up and drive safe.

After venting in the blog yesterday(I hope you're still here with me),I opened my email to find this gem.It is day 44 of daily emails I get from GriefShare. Note it says in the title BE EXPRESSIVE.It made me laugh out loud.This happens all the time to me.I guess I'm doing better than I realized.I hope you can find the humor in this.I have to. On a serious note,if anyone else is struggling with grief I really have enjoyed the messages I get from GriefShare.You just have to go to the website and sign up for them.
(This was copied and pasted,I did not add anything to it)
The Second Principle of the Journey: Be Expressive
Day 44

Express your tears and your pain. In order to move on, you cannot push down and pocket your emotions; they must be fully communicated for you to heal.

"Everyone cries," says Dr. H. Norman Wright. "Everyone sheds tears. Some people do it on the outside, but some are only capable of doing it on the inside. From a health perspective, the shedding of tears is very beneficial to physical well-being.

"The people who are unable or haven't developed the capacity to cry are carrying a heavier load of emotion that can actually contribute to some physical difficulties. I don't think you should ever apologize for your tears because you never apologize for something that is a gift from God."

Pull out your emotions. Face the pain head-on. Mourn loudly. Weep bitterly. Be set free.

When Peter realized he had disowned Jesus three times, he "went outside and wept bitterly" (Luke 22:62). When Stephen, the first Christian martyr, died, devout men "made loud lamentation over him" (Acts 8:2 NASB).

Holy God, I'm so adept at pushing down my emotions that I don't know how to pull them up, but I know that I must. Give me the opportunity and the courage to let my emotions pour out freely. Amen.

All Aboard

On Sunday mornings I have the privilege of giving the children's sermon.I usually go pretty close to the start of the service,that way all the little ones don't get restless.Sunday morning they showed a video before I went.It was on,of all things, the new Grief Share class that someone very special at our church is starting.When I say the video was hard to watch, I mean it was H A R D to watch.So I didn't.I couldn't watch it or listen to it.Not if they wanted me to give a children's sermon.I put my head down and put my fingers in my ears like a two year old so I couldn't hear any more of it.I'm sure all the people behind or around me think I need supervision.No, what I need is for people to understand.I love giving the children's sermon.It helps me to have some sort of normalcy in a life that every part of has been ripped to shreds.Its hard enough when everyone wants to "greet' me before church,and by greet I mean ask me how I am.Don't get me wrong, I love the hugs.I love people loving me,its just hard to go and give a lighthearted children's sermon when you're constantly reminded of why you're brokenhearted.Please don't read anything else into this post.It is only meant to be a glimpse into what is my life, now.Like I said,I LOVE my church family and I love all the hugs,prayers ,and encouragement I get from them, but this blog is the real deal, no sugar coating here.I am just trying to work through my sorrow , and I hope it helps someone else to feel "normal".(I put that in quotes because there is no normal in grief.)


Do not judge,and you will not be judged.Luke 6:37
(just incase you were leaning that way)
thanks for riding the crazy train with me.

The New Year

When I graduated in 1984,my church presented me with a book title"Your Next Big Step".The last chapter of the book was this prayer for the new year.I can't tell you how many times I have read it.Its one of those things that stay in my mind and hidden my heart.I am so thankful that I grew up in a home where I heard my father prayer,and watched my mother sing hymns ,and be amazed that she rarely used a hymnal.My faith is what has carried me through these last months of this year.

MY PRAYER FOR THE NEW YEAR

Another year has slipped beyond my grasp.For every wasted
moment,hour,and day, I pray for forgiveness. I cannot live them over
again.They are gone.But as I face this new year Father,I ask that
power be given to use each present moment just for thee-to live,not
waiting for some dazzling hour to serve while other watch,but ever
faithful to those moments known to thee alone ,dear Lord,and me.
Make me humble,Lord.This stubborn will of mine persist.Teach me to
live"thy will be done",in both the unseen and the known.Make me
big in little things.Make me like the Man of Galilee I pray.
Faith in thee,far greater than I now posses,is my desire.Make my
faith strong,that in humility I might live like thee and that through
me,you can quiet the storms ,remove the mountains and change the
hateful souls of mankind.
The pure light of thy love is what this dark world needs.Well do I
know thou hast revealed thy love at an awful cost.One look at
Calvary is enough for me.Nor have I done my best to shed that light
abroad.Help me to love in such a sacrificial ,selfless way,that even
though no one else would live your love,its purifying power could be
made known through me.And what I ask for me,I plead for every
child, that they all might come to know your love and live
victoriously.
In Jesus precious name I pray,
AMEN

The Real Me

My sister and her twin boys came and stayed a couple of days with us.The weather was bad but the visit was good.Our kids play together so well,and for a long time.Lots of tolerance for the age differences.She took this picture of me while we were in a restaurant waiting for our food.When I saw it,I realized that she had captured how I really feel.When I say Rachel is in my every thought,it is not a gross exaggeration.I can be talking with someone and in my mind I am relating this person ,or something about this person ,to Rach.I remember exactly what I was thinking when my sister was taking this picture:Rachel would be freaking out about that new camera.She would be wanting to sell everything she had to try to get one.Man Rach would have loved that camera......its all day.Its exhausting.Some times there is a small window of peace,where my mind is quiet.Then the guilt comes because me heart tells my brain ,you forgot about her.It is so hard to try to find the right way to feel in what is now my new reality.A lot of well meaning people have an opinion on grief. How you should feel,how long you will feel it, and what you should do about feeling it.I'm glad I have this place to go to while they are talking.Grief is as different for every person as labor is for every woman.What helps one will not help the other.You have to trust God, yourself and trust your body .Trust that it is doing what it naturally is supposed to do to help you get through it.I am very aware of my pain,and the ability and inability to mask it.Like I've always said.There is no right or wrong way for me to feel right now.Its just important that I feel.The holidays have been draining and it shows on every part of my face.But make no mistake,my faith is not shaken.The words to this Natalie Grant song say it better than I can.....

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

OK

Well Christmas has come and gone.I was given many "gifts" this Christmas,but not all of them were wrapped, or in a gift bag.I am so glad that God allowed me to have some joy this season.But all too quickly I am reminded of the pain that we all are trying to live with.Tonight when we were helping KK get ready to go to sleep(she likes for both Kenny and I to lay down with her),she said her throat hurt.I asked her if she needed a drink and she she shook her head no and began to cry.She looked at me with such fear in her eyes and said "I don't wanna die".She stared at me waiting for me to say the words that in my heart I knew I could not say.Words filled my head.Do I lie and tell her "your not gonna die".Is that always in her thoughts?Theres not a chapter on this in any of the books I've been given.I looked at her ,I looked at the pain on my husbands face.I did what every mothers first instinct is, I hugged her.I hugged her hoping to transfer her pain into my body.I hugged her hoping to reassure her of something that we have absolutely no control over.All I could say was "its ok","its gonna be ok",because thats my standard answer now for every question,I am ok.Christmas was ok.The girls are ok.Ok seems to be as good as it gets for now.I have decided that ok is ok for now.My pain and my sorrow is manageable.Being ok with not being sad can be as hard as being sad is.Rachel is still in my EVERY thought.Some days things just continually run through my head like a slide show.The days when its all about the wreck or the funeral are the worst.I see her laying in the casket.The whole day plays out in my head over and over. "I don't wanna die" ,not the last words you want to have your child say before she falls asleep.I pray tomorrow brings me wisdom to talk about what I could not say tonight.Maybe her little mind just needed to hear "its ok".

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.psalm 121

Her first real CHRISTmas

Rachel was born on November 1,1989.This is a photo from Rachels first Christmas.My mother had fixed Rach her very own tree.Now she is having her first Christmas with Jesus.Like the song says

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me .
I can only imagine....

One of my sweet boys from my church read this prayer for us during our childens program at church.It is my prayer for myself and for each of you:

Loving Father,help us remember the birth of Jesus,
that we may share in the song of the angels,
the gladness of the shepherds,
and the worship of the wisemen.
Close the door of hate and open the door of love all over the world.
Let kindness come with every gift
and good desires with every greeting.
Deliver us from evil by the blessing which Christ brings,
and teach us to be merry with clear hearts.
May the Christmas morning make us happy to be your children
and Christmas evening bring us to our beds with grateful thoughts,
forgiving and forgiven,for Jesus sake.Amen.

Hearts

On the day of visitation for Rachel,my sister and I went to her least favorite store,Walmart,to grab just a few quick things that we needed for the night.We ended up at the jewelry counter trying to find whatever "heart" shaped items we could find.Neither of us had any , and we felt the need put a lot on, quickly.On the day of the wreck ,I had remembered the heart shaped ring Rachel had bought me while she was on a cruise with her aunt to Mexico.(Its the open heart with a flower of diamonds.)There are 7 diamonds in the flower.7 had also begun to have a lot of meaning to me.I was so glad to have my heart ring.My sister bought herself the heart ring that says LOVE.The day of the funeral, Rachels friend Cody brought the same ring for Rachel.He said he promised he would always remember her.I helped him put it in her hand.I decided for Christmas I would get my mom and myself the same ring.At the funeral my sister read the poem,my mom shared all of the "Rachel=isms"that could be shared in public(rach had an opinion on all things),and I ended with a plea for everyone to search their hearts.We carried her heart through that long,hard weekend,and we will carry it for the rest of our lives.
I wear mine on my right hand and it reminds me of this verse- “I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10.

Christmas poem

Back in September when I went to the tax office to get my car tags that were NOT expired,(my first "episode")sweet Ms.Alice gave me this poem and told me to not read it yet,to put it back for Christmas.
What a sweet lady..

I see the countless CHRISTMAS trees around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS with JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.
I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away.We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me,dear ones.You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all "love"is the gift more precious than pure gold.
It always was important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings or love He has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

:(

This week I was visiting with a friend and we were talking about how we felt a connection with each other even though we only saw each other for a few minutes a week at church.Its a different kind of love than what you have for your family.You're supposed to love your family.This kind of love can only come from abiding in Jesus,and Him abiding in us.That is the tie that binds us.It is so special to see those friends look at your kids and see what you see in them.I am blessed to have that feeling with quite a few members of our church.Some of them encouraged me when I was growing up,and now they are there for my kids.Its amazing how these people can impact your life in such a small amount of time.
I lost one of those very dear people on Saturday night.This lady was the piano player at the little church in Gist.She played like you would dream of playing,so amazing.She was happy playing at that little church for just a handful of members for many years.She always was so encouraging to me,and to Rachel.She saw in Rach what I did.My heart goes out to her family.My heart has been very heavy today.At my church we have been practicing for our Christmas program "The Bells of Christmas".The kids are playing the hand bells and saying a few poems.I realized today I hadn't asked anyone to work the sound for me for the program.I usually didn't have to. Rachel always made my cd's, and helped me with my music.Having to say out loud that my helper was not here, was so painful.I couldn't even do my children's sermon this morning.I couldn't even stay in "big church". I had to leave.I am sad.I was sad all day.I am sad for my friends family.I am missing my daughter.My oldest son came by this evening.He was wearing a cap with long braided threads hanging down the sides like ponytails.He looked so much like Rach, I could hardly bare to look at him.He asked me what was the matter , and I told him.I told him how much he looked like her.I told him how much I missed her.I asked him if he ever dreamed about her, or if he ever heard her talk to him, just wanting to know that he still felt close to her.He said "not yet" , and then he put his head down and took a big breath and looked at me and said,"but sometimes when I'm driving my truck I can see her sitting in the seat with me."I was so glad he shared that with me.The two of them were so close when they were growing up(Talk about a connection.)I know he has the same emptiness that I have in my heart.
According to Griefshare going through grief is like going through a tunnel. The bad news is the tunnel is dark. The good news is that once you enter into that tunnel, you are already on your way out.



"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2)

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.

Ineffable moments

When Rach was a senior she had to do an interview at school for a competition.I found a paper where she had wrote out a few things about herself.
"I enjoy reading and capturing ineffable moments of my family and close friends with photography".
Ineffable -incapable of being described in words.
She saw through her camera lens a totally different view of the same things others saw.She chose to use that lens to create beauty in everything she saw ,for herself.
I'm realizing more and more every day that I have that same choice to make.I have to choose the lens with which I view my daily life.The situation hasn't changed,I just need to change the way,change the lens, through which I look at it.I'm so thankful for her gift.She left me hundreds of photos of herself,and our family.On her phone, and in the computer are so many beautiful photos.She had taken some photos of downtown Beaumont last Christmas.I framed them and put them out this year.They are beautiful.If you would like to print them out for yourself, feel free.A gift to you ,from Rach.

The Singing of The Birds

One of mine and the girls favorite things to do is watch the birds come and feed.Since KK was very little,about 3,she and Kennedy could tell which birds were outside eating just by listening to them sing.The birds had not been here since Sept. 17.They've only been back for a couple of days.Mainly Big Red and Lady Red.Yes that is their name.They all have a name.I screamed like a little girl when I heard that tweet.I love my birds and every scripture that they represent to me.They also remind me of a poem that I had read several years ago that Robert Schuller had written to his soon to be wife.

When the night is past
And the dawning of the new day
is about to break
With fresh hopes and dreams,
Then you will hear the singing of the birds.

When storm clouds break
To drift away
Leaving bright patches of blue
With golden shafts of sunlight
On flower and leaf,
Sparkling with fresh drops of diamond rain,
Then you will hear the singing of the birds.

Yes,there are those times and places
when the cold winter ends.
Springtime returns.
The dark night of the soul
Is dissolved into a happy daybreak.
The storm is over.
Then you will hear the singing of the birds.


For me the storm is not over, but for today I heard the birds sing.

The Rachel Clark Scholarship

When my husband and I first got married we lived out in a little town called Gist.All of his family lives out there.There's a little white wooden church right off the high way.Its been there a long time its called New Cherry Grove Baptist Church.My husband grew up in that church.We went many Sundays.Rachel and I sang there too.When we moved back to Vidor, we went back to the church I grew up in because there were more youth there.Our hearts are with them in Gist every Sunday.Its a small church, but it is so full of love for the Lord.Immediately after Rachels funeral,New Cherry Grove announced plans to start a scholarship in Rachels name.I was so touched.We decided we didn't want it to just be an academic scholarship,we want it to go to the person with the biggest need.The one that has the desire and the dream, but just needs a little help.Don't we all need a little help?If you would like more information about the scholarship or would like to make a donation feel free to email me or you can send it directly to the church.I am struggling for words to explain to you what this means to me.Thank you all for coming and reading my blog.Thank you for lifting me up in your prayers.I pray that this scholarship will be used as a beautiful testimony for a beautiful life.

New Cherry Grove Baptist Church
114 County Rd 826
Buna,Texas 77612

DONE VIDA

I received this beautiful medallion in the mail today from the donor services organization.We had made the decision to donate Rachels heart valves, and pericardium.They had called us within hours of the wreck.My husband and I decided that we could do this because it is a life saving donation.Rachel was the most loving and giving person.Even as a child.I remember on her 4th birthday I had gotten her a bouquet of balloons.Her brother Robin, who is older, came in the room and was admiring them She looked at him and said "here Rob, you can have one".If she had money she spent it on others.ALWAYS.The medal is supposed to be for the headstone.I think it is beautiful,a beautiful reminder of a beautiful life.If you see me in walmart wearing it as a necklace looking like Flava Flav,just smile and say "its beautiful".If you've never thought about being a donor,think about it.I have requested that the recipients contact me.I look forward to that day.
Done Vida=Donate Life

Shields of strength pt 2

I hope you all read the post from Nov.23 " Shields of strength",if not stop here and go read it.Tuesday morning before I got out of bed I prayed.I prayed that God would help me with my faith.Why would he leave me now.What does he want me to do?.I had been having days where it was so hard to hear.Well on my facebook I had a message from the brother of the man who started the Shields of Strength company!!!He had done a google search on their tags and my blog came up. He took the time to read it and shared it with his brother.I gotta tell you these Vaughan brothers are the real deal.They were very touched by what they had read. I wish I had made more post because soo much of what has happened to us since the wreck is not on here.Anyway, I was so touched that they would read my little blog and then take the time to reach out to me .If you are not familiar with their company go to their website and just read Kenny Vaughans' story.If you have a young boy, MAKE them read it too.I have corresponded with both brothers and I have to say their words have spoke volumes to me.All this I'm sure is making Rachel smile.I can hear her freakin out about it so clearly, which makes this all the more special to me.This is all I have wanted since I sat and started this blog.I want everyone to know about my Rachel ,and about our Jesus.I have included the link to the website.Click on the title of this blog and then click on "our story" and read the testimonials too.I feel like Christmas has come early.
Oh and my post that morning on facebook I had wrote"word of God speak."it did.

Learning to Fly

Its odd how everything has a different meaning .Songs,poems, in everything I look for a way to connect them to Rachel or to my feelings.I hadn't read any books on grief or how to grieve ,until today.I was gifted today with a huge basket full of goodies,so much thought was put into every part of it.A book written by 2 ladies about grief was in the basket.I thumbed through it.I really wanted to try to stay away from things that talk about Heaven or anything like that until I had sorted some things out for myself.I figured if it wasn't in the Bible I didn't need to know it.This book is just about grief.Not so much how I should grieve, but just examples or types of grief and different circumstances. In the book there is a quote from Jonathan Livingston Seagull".I read it a re-read about 10 times.This quote had came to one of the writers in a dream after her brother had died=

"If our friendship depends on space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we've destroyed our own brotherhood. But overcome space, and all you have left is Here. Overcome time and all you have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don't you think that we might see each other once or twice?"
It will take a few readings to get it,or maybe you won't.
After reading that quote,I searched for the book on line to try to understand it.And thats when I found this gem=

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have known, and are about to step out into darkness, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen =There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly."
Which makes me remember the song my niece sang at church
"When I call on Jesus all things are possible.You can mount on wings like eagles and soar."
Some days I do feel like I'm flying.I think that the days I feel so low are the days I am relying on "me" too much for strength.Which reminds me of yet another song
"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings."

(rach took this pic)

ThanksLiving

How can I begin to describe the feelings I had in the days leading up to Thanksgiving.There are so many elements to them.Remember how you felt on 9-11?How about after seeing the effects of hurricane Katrina in New Orleans?Or Rita on us?Now think of the saddest movie you've ever seen.The saddest song you know.Put them all in a blender and pour it in your heart.Thats only a fraction of the sorrow.It is all encompassing.But honestly,it sometimes is like that on a daily basis.A holiday or "special"day just intensifies it.But with Gods help I continue to put one foot in front of the other and try to do what I think He wants me to do.
So Wednesday after all the food was bought I decided I wanted fresh Calla lilies to put out on the table to represent Rach on Thanksgiving day.Well of course NO ONE had them.Extra anxiety is really not what I need.I just had to let it go.I decided to just light a candle instead.Well that morning Kenny got up early and started a fire.He had also lit a candle,something he has never done.I knew what it meant .I had prayed before I even opened my eyes that God would see me through this day as he had all the others.It was a double whammy.Thursday and Thanksgiving.I realized that it would always be that.I also realized that God would be there on every one of them.I started cooking the meal for the day.I was at a place where it was just waiting on the bird, so I knew it was time to go to Rachs garden.I wouldn't be able to do anything else until I went.I went in my pj's with a betty boop do rag on my head.I went and sat and just asked God to clear my mind.It was so quiet.I heard nothing in my mind but the wind.It was odd,I could hear the wind in the woods but I did not feel it.I only felt the warmth of the sun.It was so bright that morning I had to shield my eyes.I just sat with my head down just breathing and listening.When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw were these 2 flowers in an Althea tree right by her.Only 2 were within reach .There were others really high up tho.I didn't need Calla lilies.I just needed to "be still".Why is that so hard for me?I brought them home ,vased them, and put them on the table.Robin came over and we ate,we played video games,and we breathed.Robin got the Christmas tree down so me and the girls could get busy on that.It is going to be a beautiful tree.Its all so bittersweet.We bought things Rach would like for the tree.She would have loved it.I'm so gonna need something bigger than a mustard seed to get through this!

Dear Lord for the sake of those whose lives I touch ,increase my faith.amen

Gratitude

I can't overlook the fact that it is Thanksgiving,I've tried,but it ain't working.We are going to stay home and just eat and let the day and our emotions unfold.I know that it will be okay,not perfect,but okay.I want my children to see gratitude in my heart because I am so very thankful.For all my family and friends that pray for me daily.For all of Rachs friends that keep in touch and make me smile.For my little girls who daily let me see glimpses of Rach in them.For my sons who try to be so very brave for me and for the being such great and willing huggers.For all that my immediate family does and for all the things I know they would do if I needed them to ,I am very thankful.I am thankful for a husband who can see through my fragile smile and know what I need;who picks up the slack with the housework or the little girls when I am falling.I am thankful for my Lord and Savior and for all His promises that I cling too.But most of all this year I am thankful for each and every second I had to spend with my beautiful Rach.I am thankful that I wasn't just her "Mom".I'm thankful for our laughter together ,our singing together,our joking together and even the tears.I am so thankful for my beautiful Rachel.

Breath in every moment and hold them in your heart.
We took this photos last Thanksgiving.I am thankful for them too.

Praise and glory and wisdom and THANKS and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever.Amen!rev7:12

Shields of strength

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I Carry Her Heart

This poem is the reason for the title of this blog.I heard it in a movie around Labor day weekend and loved it.I had this urgency to share it with Rach.I pulled it up on the computer and she read it.She loved it too.I think about this poem all the time.I hope when she read it she knew that it was for her.She is with me ALWAYS.Today the girls and I went to Rachels garden.It was the first time that Kennedy didn't cry while we were there.

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywherei go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Heaven In The Face Of My Little Girl

Its been a while since I posted.Kennedy's birthday was the 13th.I think it was harder than Rachs was.My pain has been coming in HUGE waves lately.It is a sorrow that is so raw .It doesn't last for long,but it just is all consuming.To try to deny it is like trying to contain a volcano.It has to come out.For me it is a very private thing.It is like a gaping open wound or the worst burn you can imagine.If you were to touch those, thats how intense these feelings are.I know my family and so many friends are only a phone call away ,but this is how I have to walk through the fire,right now.Thats one thing I've learned,just when you get used to feeling things a certain way they change.
If you haven't heard this song by Steven Curtis Chapman go to youtube and watch his video.He lost his little girl in a car accident also.His older son accidentally ran over her in their driveway.This is such a powerful song.I only could do 1 verse. Keep me in your prayers please.I know most of my feelings are in anticipation of the upcoming holidays.Plus when I am alone now, is usually the times when I was with Rach or she would be texting me .There is such an emptiness.But there are precious little ones that pull me back in,with a hug or something funny.Hug your children extra tight tonight, especially the ones that think they are too big for it.

If we are the body

The weekend after Rachs funeral,our good friends that own Sertinos',where Rachel was working, came to visit us.They had been out of the country on a business trip .They brought me everything from work that was Rachels. Her sign in card.Her application.They had even cut out the article from the paper.I was so glad,because I have this need to see any and everything that has anything to do with her.
I noticed on the outside of this clear folder a crucifix.I had never seen it.Nancy saw me looking at it and explained that it was Rachel's.Rach had put it on her apron at work,but then she took it off and put it on the computer so employees would see it when they signed in or out.I'm in my 40's and struggle a lot for ways to talk about Jesus with my friends,much less people I just met.Rachel had only worked there for a few days when she began talking with them about her Jesus.I was glad to hear this story. You know we are so quick to judge young people because of how they look, or just because of how very visible their struggles with the world seem. I think with age you just get better at hiding them ,because we ALL struggle.We all stumble.Rachel struggled,but she never quit .I've always tried to not judge,but now more so than ever I try to look at people in a different way. The truth is we don't know what is in a persons heart.We don't know what that person lays awake at night and thinks about or talks about with God.Rachel loved the song by Casting Crowns "If we are the body".

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ

Take a minute and watch the video.Listen to the words.Click on the title of this post"If we are the body" it will take you to the video.

Live a life of love,just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.eph.5:2

Sweet Sister V

In the past 7 weeks I have received so many cards,emails,and messages from friends and family and some from people I don't even know.I keep every card.I reread them ALOT.Right after the wreck I received a card from a lady in Beaumont who had read the article in the Enterprise. She had written my name on the envelope and then she wrote "mother of Rachel Vidor tx and that's it.Well I got it!I got the letter.I'm sure going to church with the lady who is over the post office was a huge help,I guess that being a small town helped too,anyway ,it just amazed me.The card was beautiful.She wrote a letter on the card to me also.It was such a beautifully written card.She had wrote"God in His Almighty Graciousness strengthened you in your greatest time of need through spiritual song".I can't tell you how many times I read that card.I needed so badly to put a face to that card.I needed that lady to know I got it, it helped me.I tried to find her phone number, not there.I "googled" her address and found her street.Several times I tried to go but I would hear the voice say not yet.This morning I before I knew it , I was sitting in her driveway.When I knocked on the door I said who I was and the lady said hold on that was my daughter.The sweetest face came smiling into the room.I told her who I was and could barely speak, and I just hugged her.It didn't feel like hugging a stranger.I knew this woman.Sister V. I knew her heart. We sat and talked.It was such a relief to see that sweet face.It was so easy to be there.Their home had such a peacefulness about it.They were getting ready for bible study that morning,but Sister V made time for me.We connected in a lot of ways.I needed her to know all about Rach , and all about the funeral and well...everything.She and her mother both shared with me stories that confirmed even more what I already knew.We serve a very powerful,compassionate God.I asked if I could take her picture and she agreed.I said I would not use her name,I would call her Mrs.V,she said people call her Sister V.I told her that was what we called Rach...sister.My sister always called her sister.I will talk to Sister V again.I asked her to read my blog so she could know more about me and about my beautiful Rachel.Sister V radiates peace.The scripture in the card says=
The Lord is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all He has made .psalm 145:13.
It reminds me of the song Michelle sang as the invitation at the funeral

God's still faithful.
In the midst of it all He's faithful.
When the earth beneath your feet
gives way in defeat He's faithful.
When its just too much for you
and you don't know what to do
God will carry you through.
When hope is all gone
and you've no strength to hold on
God's still faithful.

God is still carrying me through.
With the help of compassionate people like Sister V.

Lord I give you me

Tonight we had a member of our church give her testimony.She shared how God has been working in her life since the tragic death of her husband in a plane crash a year ago.She has been such a source of inspiration to me .She has helped lead me through this thick fog of sorrow.She sends me cards and messages that remind me I'm not alone.Tonight before she spoke, I had the privilege of playing the electric drums with a small group of us from MBC.The song that was sang was called "Lord I give you me".This song had been placed in my friends life during her grief. I had never heard it before this week,but it was like it was already in my heart just waiting to be sung,or banged out on some drums. I brought the silver bracelet that was found in Rachs car with the verse from Revelation 21:4 engraved on it.I hung it on the drums. I played them for her.I wasn't singing the song ,but I look at it like I was the heartbeat of the song....Carrying her heart in the song.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."rev 21:4

Lord, I give You me
I give You my all
I hold nothing back
I'm answering Your call
Though I live or die
Your glory is my life
my royal destiny

Lord, I give You me

Lord, I give You me
It may not look like much
I know that I need change
I know I need Your touch
Take me as I am
Place me in Your plan
That's where I want to be

Lord, I give You me
Lord, with every breath
I'll worship You in life
I'll worship You in death
I lay down my heart, It's all I have to give
As long as I live

Lord, I give You me

I know why the caged bird sings

This week was a very long,hard week.I didn't anticipate being so low after having such a wonderful Sunday.Grief is very unpredictable.Sometimes I can hear a song, no problem.The same song different day,HUGE reaction.I can feel my emotions begin to change.I can feel them welling up inside of me.I had an awful migraine on Thursday and I think my consuming all the chocolate out of the candy bowl didn't help.But Thursday was one of the hardest days I've had.I woke up in tears.I went to Rachels' garden after I dropped the girls off at school.I cried the whole way there.I miss so many things about her.We spent a lot of time together in the car.Music was always a huge part of our life.We sang together.I was Faith she was Tim.I was Jon Bon Jovi she was my Richie Sambora.Whatever song was on= it was an unspoken between us.It just happened.I feel the need to sing now more than ever.I feel in some way like she expects me too.I was thinking about something I heard Mya Angelou say about the poem"I know why the caged bird sings".She said- it has too..That's how I feel.

"I know why the caged bird sings..

It's not a carol of joy or glee,
but a prayer that it sends from its heart's deep core,
a plea that upward to heaven it flings.
I know why the caged bird sings. "

Thursday about 7pm I went to church to "sing".I left with a headache ,I came home with a smile and a song in my heart.

Star light Star bright

I lost my 19 year old daughter on September 17,2009 in a car wreck right at the end of our road.Her birthday was on November 1.We had a ballon release and a wonderful day of celebration.This is the miracle that I believe took place that night.
I haven't updated in a couple of days ,because I wanted everyone to be sure and see the video from Sunday.It was such a beautiful day.Every part of it was just spectacular.Throughout this whole time God has been with us. He has shown me things that some might just say is coincidence.I say it is peace.Peace within the midst of the storm.I have debated on whether or not to share this part with you.I don't want my words to minimize the power of what God can do .1 Peter chapter 3 about verse 15 says "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."I will try with the greatest of respect to share this moment.Open your hearts and listen...
On Sunday night after everyone had left,I stepped out on the back porch to just take a breath and be alone in my thoughts.It was a beautiful night ,I could see airplanes,3 of them, staggered in the sky.I thought it was weird because I had never realized you could see them so clearly," hmmm red lights on them too, not just white", I thought.I stared up into the sky and looked at the stars,and began to talk to
God, something I do a lot.I thanked him for the day,the beautiful day.I thanked him for Rachel.When I said her name my next sentence I said out loud "I know where you are" and then I said "And I know you're with me".At that very moment, as soon as the words were said ,this star right at the top of my sight ever so slightly glimmered and then began to gently fall.It fell only for a few seconds,glimmered again,and then faded out.Okay,I knew it wasn't a plane,God showed me very clearly what a plane looked like, remember???I needed 3 of them .Its like God said "show her a plane so she'll get this".I so got it. I dropped to my knees and just cried.I am so thankful for each and every thing that God has done for me.I want so badly for God to be this real for you too.Close your eyes and let your mind see what I saw.Let it be real to you.It was beyond beautiful.
This is my prayer for you=
"When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope" (Ephesians 3:14-20 NLT)
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Rachs Birthday

The boots

When Rachel was in Jr. high I bought her a pair of black boots for her birthday.They were the knee-hi patent leather, she loved them.It started a new tradition.On her birthday I would buy her new boots.She called them her "hooker" boots.If you knew Rach , you know she loved her boots.Well this year I took her little sisters to get new boots for Rachs birthday.Kennedy found some that looked like some Rach had.Kaitlin ,who is the 6 yr old,picked out a pair made by the company"RACHEL".They have her name on the box and on the inside of the boot.And of course the heart.Somethings just absolutley blow me away.Kennedy and I had a little "moment" in the store, but KK just smiled.She knew what she had.She is so wise beyond her years.Today at 2pm we will go to Rachs school and release balloons.Its a beautiful day, for a beautiful girl.