There Will Be A Day

RACHEL ANN

Nov. 1, 1989

Sept. 17,2009


When you lose someone you love, it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence... a quiet sadness... A longing for one more day... one more word... one more touch... We may not understand why Rachel left this earth so soon, or why she left before we were ready to say good-bye.. but little by little, we will begin to remember not just that she died, but that she LIVED....And that her life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.
We will see you again Rach...some day, in a heavenly place where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye....

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always..

Life Coach?

The past 2 days I have been attending a class on being a "life coach". I had only recently become aware of what one even is. My seminary teacher had attended the class last year and had asked me if he could do a free session on me.He asked me last week in class if I would be interested in taking the course.."sure"...I had spent the last year being so focused on death, "life coaching" sounded like a good challenge. I had told myself if all I got out of it was a new way to talk to my kids about their problems,then it was worth it. I really have enjoyed the class. It has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I really am looking forward to using what I have learned, and learning more about life coaching. I am praying for God to show me how he wants me to use this. I had an AH HA moment while I was talking to someone during one of our "coaching" sessions. I want to find a way to incorporate this in with grief help. I don't like the word recovery..I will never recover from losing Rachel.....I will never stop loving her and I will never stop being her mom. I will never stop acknowledging her in my everyday conversation. I can't imagine not talking about her....that being said, I am anxious to see which path God will set before me with my new tools .I hope my eyes and my heart stay open and I don't try to steer myself down the path I want to go. .."many are the plans is a man's heart, but it's the Lords' purpose that prevail". prov. 19:21

Nine Eleven

if you look close, you can see her cross necklace.(its in a lot of pics)

these photos were on Rachs phone from her trip to Illinois on 9/11/09

I remember so clearly September 11, 2001 and September 11, 2009.The ones in between are not as clear. I remember in 2001 sitting in my living room staring at the tv in shock, disbelief , fear and anger wanting desperately for someone to tell me that what I was seeing was not really happening.. I sat there for days glued to the tv. There are some in events in life that go so deeply .. "cut to the heart" as Acts 2:37 says. Last year on September 1o Rach was flying to Illinois to watch one of her very best friends graduate from boot camp in the Navy...on September 11.They were supposed to fly home that night. I remember thinking ,when she was getting in her car to drive to the airport , " she might not come back"..then their flight was delayed so they had to stay in the airport all night..I was so worried the whole time .....it was only 7 days later ..

From My Daughter

What a nice long Labor Day weekend this one was! I labored all weekend...I decided to do some purging of things in the girls play room, and just spent the days going through drawers and closets.. I found this note underneath one of my jewelry boxes. I remembered the morning I came home from bringing Kennedy to school and found this in my room..Rachel left for school later than the little girls, so she slipped it in there while I was gone. I knew it was something she had found on the internet and copied, but I loved that she had read it and wanted me to have it.She took the time to write it out for me..I read it quite a few times when I found it, both then and now. It was folded in half and on the outside it simply says MOM..




if you click on the image it will make it larger..



Thou O Lord wilt not withhold thy compassion from me;Thy lovingkindness and Thy truth will continually preserve me..psalm 40:11

lovingkindness ......a word that is not said very often , nor do we fully understand what it means to live it..but I am so glad that my Lord does.

While You're Gone,You're Not Forgotten

Five years ago my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary. My mother asked Rachel to write something special for that day. Every since Rach could talk she made up songs, usually they sounded like Disney show tunes. She just had a different way of looking at things.She was a wonderful poet. This is her poem, and these are her pictures. She took them when she had rode to Galveston for the day with my parents.
Happy Anniversay Memom and Mr. Paulien...

FIFTY YEARS

Fifty means never having to say you’re sorry...
But doing it anyway.
Fifty means always knowing just the right thing to say.
Fifty means sharing inside jokes and side-splitting laughter.
Fifty means loving forever and then, some after.
Fifty means knowing that you just don’t care
About the few extra pounds and few less hair.
Fifty means looking good in high-waisted pants and orthopedic shoes.
Fifty means the night’s entertainment is watching CNN news.
Fifty means together maintaining the back yard garden.
Fifty means while you’re gone, ..you’re not forgotten.
Fifty means sticking his stuff back on the store shelf.
Fifty means it’s easier just to be yourself.
Fifty means regular trips to Canton and antique malls.
Fifty means watching each other to make sure no one trips or falls.
Fifty means having grandkids who love you dearly.
Fifty means without each other, you couldn’t think clearly.
Fifty means a lot of things, but one thing rings true;
Fifty years doesn’t seem so long, because I’m spending them with you….

Love;
Rachel

The S Word

Before I opened my eyes this morning, I knew today was going to be hard. Its the last day of August.Tomorrow I have to start saying and writing the month I have been dreading. Of all things I have had to "get through"..September is trying to be the hardest. I've known all month it was coming..I might not be ready , but I know God is. Every morning before I get out of bed, I try to read my GriefShare message of the day. Even if the message doesn't help, the Bible verses always give me comfort. Today's message jolted me awake. It reaffirmed everything that had been "God-breathed" into my heart,soul,and mind. I am going to re post it just as I read it =

The God of Hope
Day 275

One of the consistent testimonies in Scripture is that faith can grow strong during the darkest times of adversity. It is during those darkest moments that you come to know personally that your Lord is the God of hope.

"One thing about being in grief is that your sorrow is certain, and your loss is so real you literally taste it to the depth of your being," says Dr. Joseph Stowell. "You have to have a certainty that is bigger than the certainty of your sorrow.

"That is why you must train yourself in biblical hope where you are absolutely convinced that God is and that He has a world to come for you and that on the other side everything will be okay. That certainty has to be bigger than the certainty of your sorrows."

Ideally, this biblical training should come before times of adversity, so you can be at least somewhat prepared to face it. But if you are not absolutely sure that God is everything He says He is, then tell Him your doubts and confusion. Study the Bible to learn more about Him. We suggest that you begin reading the book of John or Mark.

If you are sure that Christ Jesus is your only secure hope for life, and life after death, then praise His name, and seek to know Him more fully.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you" (1 Peter 1:3-4).

Jesus, I am certain to the depth of my being that You are the living God and that everything will be okay through You. Amen.

my favorite word ...OK
It was even in the prayer! On the day that I needed Him more than ever,God showed me in a very real way...It is gonna be ok. I am holding on to the God that has carried me this far .I don't know what September will hold for me, but I know WHO will be holding my hand.

My Heart is There

beautiful photo created by Tammy Silvestrini


Oh that everyone would be so blessed to have such loving friends to help them through their darkest of days. One special friend sent me this poem.There is a beautiful personal story that goes along with it.She was having her morning devotion time and it was part of it .She thought of this photo of Rach when she read the poem, and sent it to me. The other friend created this picture for me.Both ladies I have a bond with because we the walk the same path. One lady I see at church and correspond with through the computer. The lady that created the photo for me, I have never met in person,we only correspond through the computer.Even so, both have seen into my heart and more importantly have listened to what God has placed in their hearts to share with me..and now I must share it with you.

My heart is there!
Where, on the eternal hills, my loved one dwells
Among the lilies and asphodels;
Clad in the brightness of the Great White Throne,
Clad in the smile of Him who sits thereon,
The glory gilding all His wealth of hair
And making His immortal face more fair--
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.

My heart is there!
With Him who made all earthly life so sweet,
So fit to live, and yet to die so meet;
So mild, so grand, so gentle and so brave,
So ready to forgive, so strong to save.
His fair, pure Spirit makes the Heavens more fair,
And thither rises all my longing prayer--
THERE IS MY TREASURE and my heart is there.

Thank you Theresa for the beautiful poem.

First Day of School

Today was the first day of school for the kids. Kennedy was ready but KK ...well..she has never really "wanted" to go to school.She knows she has to go. This year my stepson is going to be going to school in our district. I was a little worried about how I would feel when I pulled up in front of the school to drop him off. Well God took care of that for me.It was so chaotic at the elementary and the middle school it had me in frenzy. It worked..I made it through the 1st day. Rachel was still part of the day. A photo of her is in part of the "back to school" photo, but the best part was this precious poem KK gave to me . She had drawn a picture of a hand with a heart in it. If you have read any part of this blog , you will understand ...


This special heart I give to you
Because you love me
And I love you.
The heart is you ,the hand is me,
It shows we are a family.

A piece of me I give to you,
This special heart because
I love you!
The heart is you ,the hand is me
It shows that we
are a family.

Sunsets I Won't Forget

Rachel-"whats your favorite color"?
Me-" the purplish pink color the sky turns when the sun is setting".
Rachel- "why"?
Me-" because only God can make it. Every time its a little different, but its always perfect".

I find myself being drawn to the sky.Sometimes it whispers to me..sometimes it screams for me to look at it..Every night that we were at the lake and we were on the water it was perfection..It was very different every night. There is something about being out on the water and being able to see the magnificence of the violet and pink as it becomes one with the sun.. Some nights I can just breath it in and smile.Some nights its as if I am looking into her face and my heart breaks once again..
How could someone look at that sky...and not know that there is a God..

psalm 19
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork.
2 Day unto day utters speech,
And night unto night reveals knowledge.
3 There is no speech nor language
Where their voice is not heard.

14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer

Lil Quicksand

Today I started a new chapter in this journey. I attended my first seminary class. It is only myself and one other lady in it...The teacher is a our churches minister of education.The class came up in a quick conversation we were having, and I said "sure,I'd love to take it". We took a few minutes before class to tell about ourselves.When it was my turn I said jokingly" didn't you see the paper Sunday"??? No she hadn't...I had to hear myself say out loud my story..I struggle with the phrasing when asked how many kids I have..Then I heard myself say " As a matter of fact its 11 months today"...For a few seconds I couldn't breath. But then I started talking again and I knew that I was going to be ok. I also know what is next,the one year anniversay, and I struggle with what I am supposed to do .But just like everything else I will leave it in God's hands."For this I have Jesus".
I have so many things to share with you about our recent trip to the lake. I'll start with the drive. One of the very first times we made the trip we passed this sign.Rachel said" whenever I turn gangster that is what my street name will be....lil quicksand"... If you knew Rach,you know how she had "nerdy" tendencies so that statement was hilarious... Every drive she would look for that sign.If she was reading she would say "let me know when my name is up"...I had to stop and take a picture of it. Every time she would say it and throw her head back and laugh.. some days I have felt like I was in quicksand. The more I tried to get out of grief ,the more it overtook me..but on the day I took the photo , and today, I was able to move through it. There are days when you feel like you are stuck and you will be stuck there for the rest of your life.. just like when you are in real quicksand they tell you to be still and not fight it,.. I think the same thing can apply to grief. Be still and know....Stand still — not because of a self-made confidence, not because you think you have all the answers.. Be still because of what you know about God.I tried filling my life up with unimportant things to distract me..it really didn't work.It might work for a day or two, but the grief is still there, in the same place you left it.At first I just kept saying" I am sad..I get to be sad"..Jesus wept when he heard how his friend Lazarus had died.The Jews said "See how he loved him"....

See how I loved her....


“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth do change” (Psalm 46:1-2a).

Front Page News

I am so glad to be home! We had a wonderful week at the lake.It was beyond hot, but we have our routine down so that we avoid the hottest part of the day. I found myself being way to distracted by what happened Friday before we left, and what was to come.Beth Rankin, the journalist who wrote the article about Rachels wreck, had came to the house for a 3rd interview for a piece she was doing on grief and using media...like this blog... to help.. Panic set in. What did I say ?????? Will anyone even care??? Sunday couldn't get here fast enough. My mom called Sunday morning and asked me what I thought of the article..I told her I hadn't seen it...They didn't have a paper at the lake..She told me I was on the front page...It took a few minutes to process..I thought it might would be on the front of the "Life and Leisure" section..but not the front page.. My mother thought it was wonderful.We cleaned up,packed up, and loaded up to head home. We have to take two cars to bring all our stuff, so KK and I headed home in our car. I stopped in the first town that I saw had a Beaumont Enterprise... I could hardly breath when I saw it.. There I was..sitting on my bed..looking at my computer..which was showing my blog..this blog..With tears in my eyes ,I brought my 2 papers to the register to check out,and then ran to the truck to read it.. I type my heart onto this screen and I let anyone who types the address in their computer come and read it..and hope that when they do, they see my beautiful Rachel, and they read my stories, and they take a look at their own life...the good and the bad, and they realize how quickly they could be right here too..and I pray that in their heart they know the same God that I write about .the one that has carried me through these darkest of days and nights, and has shown me time and again that He is in control....Thank you Beth for making that first call on Sept 17,2009. Thank you for telling our story with so much compassion.

For my out of town friends,and for those here that missed it, I will be adding an online version of the article.

A Prayer For You

One of the sweetest gifts that I received after the funeral was a beautiful coffee mug with a prayer written on it. A sweet lady from my church who walks her own journey of grief from losing a child, brought it to me.On the front of it it says" I said a prayer for you today",and then on the back is a poem. For many months I would get up and drink my coffee from that cup. From only that cup... Getting up out of the bed in the morning after a very long,sad, night...that mug reminded me that I was not alone. I also have a picture of a prayer from another sweet family that stays by my bed to remind me that people are lifting me up...many people..
We are going to take a few days off for much needed time together. I wanted to leave this poem on here because I don't know if I will be able to post for several days.
Thank you all for staying here with me, and for all the prayers...

I SAID A PRAYER FOR YOU TODAY
AND KNOW GOD MUST HAVE HEARD
I FELT THE ANSWER IN MY HEART
ALTHOUGH HE SPOKE NO WORD
I DIDN'T ASK FOR WEALTH OR FAME
I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T MINd
I ASKED HIM TO SEND TREASURE'S
OF A FAR MORE LASTING KIND
I ASKED THAT HE'D BE NEAR TO YOU
AT THE START OF EACH NEW DAY
TO GRANT YOU HEALTH AND BLESSINGS
AND FRIENDS TO SHARE THE WAY
I ASKED FOR HAPPINESS FOR YOU
IN ALL THINGS GREAT AND SMALL
BUT IT WAS FOR HIS LOVING CARE
I PRAYED THE MOST OF ALL...


(frank zamboni)

My God is Real

This morning during our worship service my GA girls got to share what they did at camp.We sang a few songs and showed a slide show of the week. One of my younger girls shared that she wanted to be a missionary. I also learned that one of my 6th graders that went with us was saved at camp.She goes to a different church than ours,so she wanted to talk to her family and preacher first. How awesome is that!!!
I had wrestled all morning about whether or not I should share about MY camp experience. I was back and forth on it. I thought maybe I should wait and just let it be about the girls.The morning was so hectic.Everything I tried to do was a disaster.My video did not work.I had to go back home,get the computer,try to re-burn it.When I came home the dog had dug in the garbage, had an accident in the floor.....everything to try to get me to NOT talk.. Well it didn't work. I got the video ..my girls showed up for me... and when I went into the sanctuary one of Rachs friends was there that I was not expecting to see. I also was not expecting to see the necklace this person was wearing.It had placed it on her headstone and it had been there for several weeks.And then it just was gone.I assumed it had been stolen(like everything else). I told them how glad I was to see them ,and that they had come on a great day because I had a great story to tell. I knew this sweet friend needed to hear it.I also told them I was glad to see who the owner of the necklace was. Now I knew what to do....Once again I was able to be quiet and let God to the talking. If people were only able to know the WHOLE story,the struggle ,daily, that I have.They see me on Sundays smiling and talking to the kids. Sundays are what gets me through the week.They see those few hours ,and never realize that my feelings are still so very raw. But at the same time, talking about the amazing things that have happened fill my gaping wounds. But it is temporary.The more I talk about it, the more I want to talk about it. I pray that God will continue to put these opportunities in front of me, or that He will show me what it is I should do.I just want people to know.I want them to know what He's doing for me,in a very REAL way. When I said today "Her daughters name was Rachel"... there was a huge reaction from the congregation.. They knew...

Say Rach to me

One of my sweet friends who has been helping me from day 1 to walk this path of grief,(she walks it herself)sent me this poem/letter she found in the book Saying Goodbye To Your Grief..it was written anonymously and Lewis and Betty Smoak edited it for their daughter. I have edited it for mine.....


The time of concern is over.
No longer am I asked how are we doing.
Too seldom is the name of our daughter mentioned to me.
A curtain descends. The moment has passed.
A life slips from frequent recall.

There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends,
Sensitive and loving family, Rachel's closest pals.
For most, the drama is over.
The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.
But for me the play will never end.
The effects on me are timeless.
Say Rachel to me.

On the stage of my life she will always be a rising star!
Do not tiptoe around the most consuming event of my life.
Love does not die.
Her name is written on my life….
Say Rachel to me and say Rachel again, and again.

It hurts to bury her memory in silence—
And I will not…
So long as we are here, please
Say Rachel to us.

Live Love

Wow! What an amazing week at camp. 12 little girls from 7 to 12 years old for 5 days.I did ,however,have an amazing helper that went with me.Her daughter and my KK are best friends.She also knew how very special Rach was, so I knew I would be ok if I had a sad day. I was a little worried because the theme this year was LIVE LOVE. I was afraid it would all be about Rachs favorite verse...1 Cor/ 13:4....we sang a song that had it in the words ,but that wasnt all that was talked about. I also knew that the youth had gathered together there for Rach, but once I got to camp, I knew that it was all going to be ok..Wednesday morning I got up a little early to go get coffee before we had to get all the girls up.On my way out, I ran into the preacher.Bro. Carraway was the preacher last year too.He remembered my son having to go to the hospital,and we talked about that and how he was ok, and then I shared with him what happened in September. I tried to cover every part of what had happened,and as I spoke ,tears streamed down his face. I told him how good God had been to been to me and my family..I told him about the funeral.. I just needed him to know.. He told me that he was so glad that he saw me that morning because his sermon was on the woman at the well, and how her testimony brought others to Jesus.He told me that if it was time, that he would love for me to share my story.Immediately my head was filled with " ITS NOT TIME..ITS ONLY BEEN 10 MONTHS...I CAN'T TALK YET...THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW RACHEL"....I told him I would pray about it...and before I could close my mouth ,I could hear myself using my own words against me..."it says in the Bible to always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have"....way to go big mouth....Bro Carraway prayed with me and I went back to the cabin..I had been doing so good all week..no tears ...I of course had thought about her nonstop, so this caught me off guard.I told my other counselor..I told her I was going to pray about it,and that if I did decide to talk,would she please take my girls out because I didn't want them to have to sit through it.Well 4 hours later,I'm sitting in the tabernacle listening to the music.I begin to write down my thoughts "just in case".. It is so hard to edit the story.To me it is ALL is important... I told myself that I couldn't do it..I didn't have enough time...I have to practice ....and then I heard ..."YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHEN ITS TIME...YOU WRITE THAT BLOG AND YOU TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT...WHY CAN'T YOU TALK TO THESE PEOPLE... YOU GET TO DECIDE WHO HEARS????? I DON'T THINK SO.... and then very clearly I heard "PUT UP .... OR SHUT UP"....the preacher was almost at the end of his sermon.I still was not sure what I was going to do,and then I heard him say without even looking at me...." SISTER , IS IT TIME?" and just like at the funeral, before I knew it, I was on the stage... I can't tell you what all I said, but as I spoke I could see the tears from almost every person in there.but I didn't cry..I just stood there and let God's words flow.. I covered it all in about 5 minutes... I ended with what was said at the funeral. Bro Carraway picked up from there and pleaded again... They had an invitation and many girls walked the aisle.. I know that there were decisions made. Some just needed to pray , but at least 4 were saved. Many of the girls from my church came down to pray and just to stand with me.After church we went to lunch..Many girls came and told me how sorry they were.Some just gave me a hug.. I could feel the love and the sympathy, but I did not feel pity..That was what I was afraid of feeling..After lunch we were heading back to the cabin. Another counselor hollered for me.She said that her 12 year old daughter was one of the girls that was saved.She had been praying for her for a long time. She said that I was at that camp for her.. She thanked me for sharing my story..I hugged her and turned around to go, and she grabbed my arm and said MY DAUGHTERS NAME IS RACHEL...I seriously almost passed out.
If you have ever read anything on this blog and had a thought that=oh that was a coincidence, or I was was just twisting things to fit my needs.... you can't deny this one.. I have never felt the way I felt standing in that campground. I think it was the first part of my heart healing. God's timing is always perfect.ALWAYS....I hope you can learn to live that easier than I did...What a great week..What a great God. My girls were all smiles the whole week too.Seeing them sing and be free to worship with their whole heart was so touching. It was just what we all needed.
LIVE LOVE.....
LIVE

Hidden Treasure

I knew all week that today was coming.The 17th... It's been ten months today..Vacation Bible School was great,but all week I missed Rach so much.I had my two little girls on stage with me helping lead the music, and I had two of Rachs very good friends helping too. They were so sweet to my girls. It truly was a great week. We had 19 kids accept Christ. They just kept getting up and walking the aisle..It was so amazing to be a part of that.
Today I started getting ready to take 11 little girls to GA camp. We leave Monday morning, so I spent the morning packing. I opened a small zipper pouch on the outside of my bag and found the most wonderful gift....a pair of Rachels earrings.She had made these herself out of some guitar picks. I guess she left them in there after her trip to Illinois last September. I don't know what she used to put the hole in the pick..She went somewhere with the church and then came home and took these picks from her brother and made these earrings. I think she had gotten a necklace that was made out of a pick..I remember the whole "you don't even know how to play the guitar" conversation she had with her brother when she took his picks.I decided to not show them to Kennedy,yet.She had been having some really hard moments this past week.It's great to be around girls Rachels age, it fills that void that is left there, but then it makes you miss her so much more. I know that's where Kennedy was all week . Maybe when we get back from camp I will find a way to share them with her.I know the little girls don't count the months like all of us adults do.She just knows its been a very long time since she's seen Rach....Kennedy has a pair of red pick earrings already ...they say "pick Jesus"....so I know she will love to have these too. Pray for me as I go to camp. Last year my son went to the hospital while I was at camp with heart trouble. It is also the same place that all of the kids that were in the youth department with Rachel went to not long after her funeral.They are in the 4 month video that I posted on here...so all of it will definitely be on my mind while I am there..... always is...
This was my Promise from Gods Word today..
Gracious is the Lord,and righteous; our God is merciful.The Lord protects the simple ;when I was brought low,He saved me.Return ,O my soul, to your rest,for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you..Psalm 116:3-7

I dreamed a dream

Tonight will be the 3rd night of our vacation Bible school.I have been so busy getting the stage ready,and trying to learn all of the music and hand motions, but it has been so great to see the kids (and some of the adults) be so excited about being at church.I have really missed Rach so much ,she was always so much apart of VBS.My little girls have been on stage with me again this year singing,and doing the motions.I wish I could just go sit down and watch them.They put their whole heart into it.Especially KK who ,not very long ago, did not want anyone to even LOOK at her,much less watch her sing.I was thinking about Rach on the way home last nite.She was so happy the year she did the drama at VBS because she got to play Jesus.She loved the family she was doing drama with, and they let her know how very special she was to them too. I kept seeing this picture of her in my mind.As I turned to come home glaring through my windshield was this HUGE star.There were other tiny specs of stars all over ,but this was one was beautiful. It looked like the stars we draw.You could see the points on it.I had never seen a star do that.I've seen pictures of them where they look like that, but seeing it in my sky was breathtaking.I had to pull the car over so KK could get out of her car seat and see it. One of Rachs sweet friends had just shared this quote with me...“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” -Vincent van Gogh...I sat on the side of the road and dreamed..
if you click on the title it will take you to a song......

Sailin the High Seas

For the past 2 years our church has had a huge 4th of July carnival.The kids really have a great time. Last year we gave cross necklaces out in our goodie bags. If you look closely in some of my pictures on the blogs, you can see Rach wearing the one KK gave her.Once she put it on,she didn't take it off.I don't think there is a holiday that I cannot connect to her..so now the next hurdle is vacation bible school.I have been so busy this week getting things ready for it.I have to turn our sanctuary into a ship ....(like a pirate ship but no pirates) I have been leading the music for the past 4 years. Before, I would teach a class. When I started doing music,Rachel was in the youth dept. so she was able to be my helper.One year she left me to go do drama,but she had the best time. No matter where we were ,she was there with me ,helping me to get it all ready.I try to turn the sanctuary into whatever our theme is. Rachel was always there to help me.I could always count on her honesty for how things were looking.It's just one more of those bittersweet memories...I miss her,but at the same time,I am so glad we had all those moments together. She can show them in heaven how to turn a cardboard box into a rocket, a boat, or one year I even made a water slide coming out of the baptistery.It also was a spacial time for her spiritually ,too. Rachel went to youth camp when she was a junior,and made the decision to rededicate her life.She wanted to be sure that when she had made her first decision that she hadn't done that just because Robin had done it.. but she hadn't followed in believers baptism yet. VBS gave me the opportunity to really share with her some scriptures,and that is why you see photos of her not as a child , but as a teenager being baptized. And that is what has given me so much peace. Like I've said before, I know none of my children are perfect,but I do know who was in Rachels heart.And I know how willing she was to share WHO was in her heart with others. Kennedy is in place where she needs to talk about Rach a lot. She just wants to know everything she can.She has so many question..she misses her so much. we all do....I will be on a "High Seas Expedition " starting Sunday night. I've got so much to do for the decorations PLUS learn songs AND do some talking and a skit...but I am not going to let myself get too stressed about it. I know that God will show me how to get it all done.. He showed me this morning how to fix the stage so I can have a "help" poster that no one can see, to help me to not forget what I am supposed to say.......I'm hoping to live what Mark 6:51 says =Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed......

Robins' little sister

Robin and Morgan Ratcliff at the scholarship presentation


Rachels favorite photo with her brother

Today is Robin's(Rachs older brother) birthday.He turns 22.They were only 16 months apart.We lived in Houston when they were little, and they were inseparable.Rachel would just sit and watch him for hours when she was a baby.Then when she got a little older,everyone would ask if they were twins.They did everything together.Then it went from being twins to being asked" are you Robins little sister"?, which I think she secretly loved...One of my sweetest memories is seeing them in the baptistery water together.When Rachel was about 7 years old she made a profession of faith while listening to her brother being talked to about his decision to ask Jesus into his heart. I didn't take a picture of them.Honestly, I don't need one. I can see it like it was yesterday. It was one of those moments that go so deeply into your heart, you never forget it. It just seemed so perfect,them together ....always....This picture of them was Rachs favorite.She loved looking at it, it always made her smile. Robin and Rachel......I can't tell you how many times that was used in a sentence..Even tho he was older,she always took care of him.She would get up in the mornings when she was just 4 years old and tie his shoes before he went to kindergarten.He knew how to tie them..he just wouldn't do it..and I wouldn't do it to try to make him tie them....but she just knew he needed them tied. It was always that way...If Rachel was gone to stay at a grandparents house Robin would be lost until she came home..."when is Rach coming home"? When they got older they didn't have a lovey dovey kind of relationship, but their bond was unbreakable.... Last Sunday the church presented one of our nieces with a scholarship in Rachels name. Robin was there....for her....

Consider the Lilies

The girls and I went to town the other day shopping for a slip n slide.We went into Michaels because they have a clean bathroom..(always important with a little girl).In the front of the store they had a huge bin of flowers on sale. They had every color of Calla lily that you could want.Calla lilies were Rachels favorite flower.She LOVED them. You know how girls always have a new favorite thing? I can't remember Rach loving anything but Calla's. I used them in all her corsages that I made for her while she was in high school.I stll have them. I used them at graduation. (still have them)...While we were at Michaels, Kennedy was asking about Rachs love for them. She said we need to get some new ones for Rachs garden.She said we needed to get the yellow ones .(Yellow????I said)...yes she said,because that is what color Belle's dress is in Beauty and the Beast(Rachs favorite movie since she was 2).Rachel spent her entire life dreaming of being Belle. She wanted to buy everything she saw with Belle on it. She identified so much with that character,Rachel just never realized how beautiful SHE was ,not just to her family, but to so many others.Kennedy picked out her yellow Calla's and some pink daisy looking flowers, because pink is on some of the Belle things Rach has, too.I have to say....they looked perfect. That night I was on the computer looking up information about Calla lilies. The word Calla is from the greek language and it means BEAUTY..I had no idea. It all connects ...sometimes its overwhelming ..especially at 1:00 in the morning when no one else is around to share in your excitement.
Beautiful Calla lilies, for our Beautiful Rachel.
"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these."Luke 12:27